by Chelle Bliss
to be alone with him, and I figure if she stays, this will turn into an interrogation. Although I love them both for different reasons, their worlds don’t mix.
“Thanks, B,” Bruno says.
I have to hide my laughter. They both call each other B. It’s kind of cute and nauseating at the same time.
Becca kisses me good-bye and I thought she’d just shake Bruno’s hand, but she doesn’t. To my shock, she hugs him and whispers in his ear. He laughs, she smiles, and I’m lost as he walks her to the door. They’ve formed a friendship without me knowing, but I know I’m their commonality.
When she leaves, he strolls into the living room and leaves me by the front door, scratching my head in confusion. “What did she say to you?” I asked.
“Nothing.” He sits on the couch with his arms outstretched and a huge smile on his face. His dark eyes twinkle with playfulness.
My eyes narrow and I know they aren’t telling me something. “What are you two up to?” My hands instinctively land on my hips and my entire body screams bullshit.
“Seriously. We’re not up to anything.” He pats the cushion next to him and glances at it, waiting for me. “Come here.”
I shake my head. “Nope. Not until you tell me what she said.”
He looks me straight in the eye. “She said to fuck you good tonight.”
My mouth hangs open and I blink. “Well.” I clear my throat and blink again. Would Becca really say that to him…? Nah. “You’re lying.”
He motions for me to come hither. “Kiss me and I’ll tell you.”
“It’s that easy?” I take a step forward.
“Yep.”
I stop and stand about three feet away and study him. “It’s a trick, isn’t it?”
He tilts his head and grins. “How could a kiss be a trick?”
“I’m sure you’ll figure out a way.”
“Get your fine ass over here and kiss me, Cal.”
I close the distance between us and think about how lucky I am. Crawling into his lap, I straddle him and look into his eyes. He stares back before placing my face in his hands and kissing me. Softly at first before turning it into something more demanding and soulful.
“Bruno,” I murmur between breaths.
“Shh. No sex. We’re just kissing,” he tells me and goes back to kissing me.
Relief floods me. Although I feel good, I’m not ready to be with him again. My body isn’t ready for it. My head would be on board, but the rest of me isn’t there. Chemo did that to me. Every inch of sexiness I felt has evaporated and my libido has vanished.
Being in his arms with him between my legs, kissing me, feels better than anything. His emotions pass from his lips, and I feel them in my soul. We stay like this for a long while until he lifts me into his arms and carries me to bed.
“Bruno,” I whisper after lying in bed for over an hour, unable to sleep. I wouldn’t normally wake him, but I know he isn’t sleeping either. His breathing hasn’t changed and his fingers are still stroking my arm with his body curled against my back.
“Yeah?” He rolls onto his back, taking me with him.
I curl into his side and glance up at him in the darkness. Just the outline of his face is visible in the moonlight. “Do you think there’s anything after this?”
“I’m hoping breakfast.”
I slap his chest. “I’m being serious.”
His hand covers mine, holding it against his chest. “I don’t think about it too much.”
“Do you believe in God?” I’ve never thought about it either. After losing my mom, I stopped believing. If there were some supreme being, why would he or she allow so much suffering?
“I was raised Catholic.”
“We were all raised something.”
I stroke his chest while he holds my hand against him. “I hadn’t prayed in years. When Lee got sick, I found myself turning to God to make her better.”
My smile is small and soft. “I think everyone does in a time of need.”
“Maybe.” He kisses my forehead tenderly and lets his lips linger.
“You know what scares me more than dying?” I ask because I have to tell someone. Holding secrets and fears to myself has eaten at me since the day I heard that cancer was growing inside me.
“What?” he murmurs against my skin.
“That when we die there’s nothing afterward. Like when you’re asleep and not dreaming. Just darkness. You don’t exist anymore. It scares me to death, Bruno.”
“Baby,” he whispers and pulls me closer to his body. “I don’t believe that’s what it’s like.”
“You don’t?” I’m shocked.
“I don’t.” His hand glides across my back.
“Huh,” I mumble.
“Life seems pointless without something more.”
“I wish I could believe,” I admit and lace my fingers with his against his chest.
“What makes you doubt it?”
I nuzzle my face against his skin, capturing his warmth, and I wish I could crawl inside him. Everything about him makes me feel comfortable. Like I could face anything in the world as long as he is with me. “When I lost my mom, I lost any faith I had.”
His fingers flex in mine and tuck under my palm. “Yeah, I can understand that. I felt that way when I lost Maggie and our unborn child.”
“There’s just so much sadness in the world that it’s hard for me to believe it’s all part of some plan.”
“I think that without the struggles in life, we wouldn’t savor the beautiful things. Nothing would be as sweet if it weren’t for the bad.”
“I don’t know.” I chew on the inside of my lip.
“Like without the darkness, the sunrise wouldn’t be as spectacular, Cal. The color wouldn’t be as brilliant. You know?”
Who the hell is this man? No one with his nickname talks like that. How can he believe in God, in the beauty of the world, and possibly murder people? What am I talking about? I have no idea what he does, but it’s something he isn’t willing to divulge.
“Can we watch the sunrise?” I ask and stop trying to figure him out.
“I couldn’t think of anything more perfect.”
“In the morning?” I relax into him.
“I’ll wake you up,” he says, leaning forward to kiss me. I move my face and kiss him first. He makes me happy.
As I lie there, waiting for sleep to take me, I feel completely at peace. There’s no inner turmoil, no fear of sleep or death. Just pure happiness. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve thought about cancer in the last twenty-four hours. Instead of becoming the crippling factor in my day, it has become a second thought. There’s too much good to fear the what-if.
22
Beauty & Belief
We sit on the beach, listening to the waves in complete darkness. True to his word, Bruno woke me for the sunrise. It has been ages since I’ve taken the time to watch the sun kiss the horizon before blazing to life.
Sitting between his legs, I close my eyes. I clear my mind and concentrate on the feel of him against me and the water crashing against the sand just feet from us.
I must’ve fallen asleep because Bruno kisses my forehead and wakes me. “It’s time, Cal,” he whispers against my skin.
I straighten and rub the sleep from my eyes. “Sorry, I dozed off.” I glance up at him. “It’s just so early.”
“You’re making up for a month of not sleeping.”
I nod, my smile growing wider. “I always sleep well when you’re with me.”
“Look.” He points toward the horizon and my eyes follow.
The sun isn’t visible yet, but colors touch the horizon as if a rainbow has flattened to get closer to the water. The red grows more brilliant, the yellow scorching the sky as the first hints of the sun rise above the surface. I hold my breath, in awe of the beauty of the entire thing. The sun has barely peeked above the horizon, but the majesty of the rays streaming across the sky gives me chil
ls.
Bruno holds me tightly. “Breathe.”
I suck in a breath, completely lost in the moment. The beauty is too much. Too real. Too raw. Sitting in his arms, watching the sun come up on a new day reminds me of the specialness in each day.
He’s right. When you see the blue sky day after day and never pay attention to the darkness, the sunrise isn’t as beautiful. But when you watch the black fall away and see the colors blaze across the sky, it’s hard to deny there’s something bigger than we are.
The appreciation for the light can never come without the darkness.
It’s a metaphor for my life.
I never really appreciated much before now. Don’t get me wrong. I love my shoes, my job, and my clothes, but what are they, really? Nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Time is the most precious thing we have. We blindly go through our days as if they’re in infinite supply. Each year, time moves faster, evaporating before our eyes, and we don’t even realize it. The only time we pay attention to time is when we’re told ours is running out.
When the finish line is in sight, we finally understand how limited and precious time really is, but we’re powerless to stop its passage. I’d never thought about my death. It wasn’t until it crept closer that I realized I wanted more. It was the only thing that mattered. No money in the world could buy more time, and inevitably, we would all succumb to the same fate. But I’m not ready to throw in the towel and cross the finish line of my life.
“It’s so beautiful,” I whisper, blinking back tears. He kisses my head and doesn’t speak.
I can’t move.
The spectacularness of an event that happens every day hasn’t become lost. I’ve never woken up early to watch. I’ve taken it for granted just as I did with the minutes left in my life.
How did the world get so jumbled? I know when it happened for me. Losing my mother was the defining moment in my life. It should have made me realize how fleeting everything was, but it didn’t. It made me jaded. I questioned everything, even God, and walked through life with blinders on.
I was too young to realize that time wasn’t infinite. The second we’re born, a clock starts ticking toward our death. Facing my own mortality made me hyperaware of how badly I wanted more of something that had an unchangeable expiration date.
“Do you see what I mean?” Bruno whispers in my ear, crushing me with his arms. “Only the night shows the true beauty of the sunlight.”
“I do.” I barely get the words out between my tears. The joy, peace, and awe I feel watching the sunrise are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
Bruno did that. He gave me that piece of solace and understanding that hadn’t yet clicked in my brain.
Instead of thinking about cancer as a curse, I realize that it will make everything sweeter. Each moment left in my life, however long it may be, will be savored and never taken for granted again.
23
Set Straight
“I let the last holiday slide, but I refuse to let you sit alone on Christmas,” Becca tells me on the phone.
“It was Thanksgiving. The only part of the holiday I liked was Black Friday anyway.”
Really, it is the best part. I used to plan my attack days in advance and scour the Internet for the sneak-peek ads. I never waited for the newspaper the morning of Thanksgiving. Becca and I always spent Black Friday running from store to store, snapping up every deal we could get our hands on. But that was impossible this year. I was too sick to deal, and my immune system too low to be around crowds. Plus, I had no desire to buy more things I didn’t need.
Mindlessly, I flip through the channels on the television while Becca chews me out and doesn’t stop for air. “Christmas is special.”
“It’s not to me.” Being without a family doesn’t make the holiday special for me. Not since I was a child had I felt excitement for the holiday season.
She gasps. “But my parents are expecting you.”
“Bruno invited me to Christmas with him,” I blurt out, trying to get her off my back.
“Really?” I can hear the shock in her voice. “He didn’t tell me.”
“Yes, really.” I can’t hide the annoyance in my voice. “By the way, when did you two become BFFs?”
“We’re not.” She sighs. “We just both worry about you.”
“Huh.”
“So are you going with him?”
“I don’t know.” When I think about spending a holiday with his family, it makes me smile, but it also terrifies me. Meeting someone’s family for the first time is stressful enough; throw in Christmas and it could make it one for the record books.
“I think you should,” she tells me to my utter shock.
I drop the remote in my lap. Who has kidnapped my best friend? “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“It’ll be good for you.”
I rub my face, confused and unable to make the decision. “I’ll think about it. Either way, I promise not to be alone on Christmas. Okay?”
“I’ll hold you to it, Cal.”
“I know you will.” Because she never forgets a promise. The woman has a mind like a steel vault. Ask her what she ate yesterday and she probably can’t remember. Ask her what you said to her in 2008 after a date gone wrong and she can recall it word for word. She scares me sometimes with her uncanny ability to remember stupid shit.
She laughs, which makes me smile. I’ve missed her laughter…the beauty in it. Every time she laughs, I can’t help but smile. It is the kind of laughter that has a little geek in it and sometimes a snort. It is precious and makes me love her more.
Only a few weeks left until Christmas, and I know I have to make my decision soon. I have one chemo treatment left, which means I’ll probably find out if I am in remission right around the big day. Lucky me.
“I got to run, Bec. I have things to do.”
“You do?”
“I do,” I lie. I just didn’t want to talk about Christmas anymore.
“Call me later?”
“I will.”
“Love ya.”
“Smooches, babe.”
As soon as we hang up, I make an executive decision. In light of my new lease on life and way of thinking, I’ll spend Christmas with Bruno. Why not try something different? For years, Becca’s parents have invited me to be a part of their family, and I’m thankful for it. Sometimes it makes my heart hurt, but I would have been lost without them.
Christmas with the— Wait, I don’t even know his last name. I’ve never bothered to ask him, and it hasn’t even crossed my mind. I’ve never even heard it in passing. He has always been Bruno “The
