by B Truly
“You’re crazier than I thought if that’s what you believe.”
“You saw for yourself how your sister is into me. Tanya’s cool. We’re of the same feather.”
He nailed that fact on the head!
“We’re all gonna be family soon, so let’s try to get along.”
I almost choke. “That will never happen.” I backtrack further, attempting to inch my way near the concession stand. I don’t trust him, and after mouthing off, I’m terrified he may try something.
Jackson narrows his eyes. Leaning toward me, he whispers, “Watch yourself. You already saw how your own sister is on my side.”
My body begins to tremble. He comes so close, I can feel his breath on my ear. Jackson grabs a spiral from my hair, pulling it down. The curl springs back in place when he releases it.
“Shame things between us turned out this way. I would have been good to you if you’d chosen me. I would’ve dropped all these other chicks like a bad habit.” Jackson shakes his head, trying a different tactic. “I only backed off because my brother’s in love with you, and I respect him. But you don’t wanna get on my bad side, so don’t cross me.”
I whimper. My mind is whirling from his multiple personality disorder. Jackson basically admitted he wished I’d chosen him over his brother—only to back door with a warning to stay in line or else.
Jackson brushes his thumb along my cheek. It would’ve been a sweet intimate gesture coming from his twin. Jackson’s touch smothers me, like I can’t breathe. My heart contracts like a heavy pressure is crushing it.
“See you at home,” Jackson relays. He spins on his heels, tearing down the hall.
My stomach churns. I barely make it to the restroom toilet before the Sprite I’d drunk on the way here comes up. A handful of girls are inside the restroom.
“Ewe, yuck,” one comments as I continue to dry heave.
I hide in the stall for a long while. Once my stomach stops clenching, unwillingly, my mind repeats what Jackson whispered. That vicious side to him scares the heck out of me. If I tell anyone and he gets his hands on me, he’ll make me pay. I whimper, pressing both hands to the sides of my head.
How long will this go on? If Jackson tires of Tanya and gets X-ed out again, he may return to me, just because he knows he can get away with it. The thought sickens me. No matter how hard I push, I can’t get him out of my mind. His words haunt me. Flashes of how he seduced me in the bathroom on my birthday ransack my mind. My chest tightens, then I’m thrown back to that first night. My arms ache, my body hurts, and his weight is crushing me.
I blink rapidly, having forgotten where I am. I lie in a fetal position on the dirty floor in a restroom stall. I must’ve zoned out. I don’t even remember lying down. All is quiet except the hammering in my chest. Gathering my reservations, I force myself to get up. Glancing in the mirror, I hardly recognized myself. Dilated cinnamon-brown eyes stare back at me. My already light brown complexion is even paler.
“There you are,” Amber says, almost causing my heart to stop as she whisks inside.
I jump, clasping my chest. The little composure I have gained slips away. “You … startled me.” My hands begin to tremble. For a sec, I thought he’d come to harass me more, or worse.
“Well, sorry. You’ve been in here forever. Third quarter is almost over. I’ve been texting you like crazy, but you haven’t returned my messages. The concession stand is holding your food.”
“I’m not hungry anymore.”
“Um, okay. Are you sick?” Amber draws closer, getting a better look at me. “What did I miss? It looks like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Nothing!” I turn from her questioning gaze.
“Nah-un. What’s wrong? You’re shaking.”
Those haunting images are trying to surface again. What is wrong with me? I don’t understand why I’m so distraught. I grip the counter with both hands. Squeezing my eyes shut, I do everything in my power to keep them at bay. Not sure how I will explain a full-on panic attack to Amber.
She gently rubs my shoulder. “Madison, what’s going on? You’re starting to scare me.”
I blow my breath out slowly before opening my eyes. Thankfully, the images are fading. “I’m fine.” Another horrible lie. The list of those is getting endless. “I just get panic attacks sometimes.”
“Why?”
“I can’t really talk about it. Well, I’m not sure how.”
Amber’s forehead wrinkles, her eyes are full of sincerity. “Talking helps. Maybe if you get it out, you’ll feel better.”
At the moment, I’m fighting tears, so sick of being the victim. “I….”
“Is this about Justin? Did your relationship end badly? What did he do?”
Just the mention of his name reminds me of what his brother has done. I break down. Once my tears fall, they don’t stop. Amber hugs me while I sob on her shoulder. I’m grateful she hasn’t pressed me with more questions—she only offers words of comfort.
We must stay in there for another quarter. My cell buzzing jounces me back to reality. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I freak out at the name appearing on the screen. It’s not surprising, I just can’t handle it.
“Whose calling?” asks Amber. Her expression is filled with reservation.
“I can’t talk to him, I just can’t.”
“Well, send him to voice mail.”
Justin hangs up, and then calls back. “I drove his truck to the game, and he needs a ride home. So, I can’t really avoid him.”
“Yeah, I forgot. Just text him then.”
Amber doesn’t know Justin like I do. If he is calling, then he wants to talk over the phone. I send a text anyway, my fingers shaking as I do. “I’ll try.”
Hey, I’ll meet u in the parking lot shortly.
Hi! Why aren’t u picking up?
Know him like a book. My cell starts ringing again. I cringe, my hands trembling more.
“I’ll add persistent to Justin’s list.” Amber grabs my phone. “Hey. Nah, it’s Amber. I’m in the restroom with Madison. She’s indisposed. Peeing as we speak, so she told me to answer for her.” I hear Justin chuckle. “Okay. We’ll meet you in fifteen.”
Amber is quick on her feet. “I appreciate that.”
She smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “No problem. But you’re going to have to face him in a minute. How are you going to hold up?”
The thought almost makes me sob again.
Amber changes her footing. “Come on. It’s gonna be crowded. Let’s get going.”
On our way to the parking lot, several peers stop to chat. Amber steers away any questions directed at me about Justin. I’m glad she does, because it feels like I’m in the Twilight Zone. I’m only walking and going through the motions.
Amber hasn’t parked far from me. I assume she’s waiting to see what occurs with Justin, since the mention of his name sends me into a frenzy. Her support means a lot, especially since I haven’t given her any details. We aren’t at Justin’s Aviator long before he strolls up. His twin is at his side with a couple other buds. I immediately look away.
“Yo, bro, I’m gonna head to that party. You coming?” I hear Mr. Schizo say.
“I’m not sure,” Justin replies. I can feel his gaze on me.
“Whatever, man. Text me if you do.”
“Hello, ladies,” Justin greets us.
“Hey, Justin.” Amber shifts her weight.
“Hi.” My voice is no louder than a whisper, and I don’t dare meet his eyes.
“Ready, Madison?” asks Justin. “Wanna grab a bite? I’m starving.”
“Um … I already ate.”
Amber’s eyes grow as big as golf balls. “I can take you home, Madison.”
Amber is a life saver. My heart feels more compressed with each passing second. There is no way I can be alone with him. He is bound to ask questions—answers I can’t give. More relevant, Justin has his same face. If I look at him, I may lose it on the spot—barely
holding it together after the confrontation with his twin.
“I’ll take her home,” Justin insists.
“You go ahead and grab a bite. I’ll ride with Amber.” Handing him his keys, I can sense he’s mad at me.
“Yeah, whatever,” Justin sighs. “I’m going to head to that party.” Opening the door, Justin jumps in without another word. He guns the engine and swerves out of the lot.
“I think you hurt his feelings,” Amber acknowledges.
Hurt feelings are only the tip of the iceberg. I feel like such a terrible person.
After we arrive at my house, Amber and I sit quietly in her car. “I wish there were something I could do. I don’t mean to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong, but you both look miserable.”
“It’s more complicated than you think.”
“Fill me in. I’d love to offer advice. I just have no idea what’s going on with you.”
Maybe if I share a part of it, I’ll feel better. At the moment, I really don’t care. I want to scream, or punch something. I need an outlet or I’m going to explode. “Know what … I don’t care. Come inside.”
Her eyes light up with curiosity. Amber has picked me up and dropped me off on a handful of occasions, but neither I nor Tanya have ever invited her inside. Both of us wanted to keep how we really knew the Jenkins’ brothers on the down low. Amber will figure it out soon enough.
“I’m thrilled to finally get invited in.”
“There’s a reason you never were. A fact we didn’t want to get out.”
“Um, okay…. Well, no worries. I’m not a person who gets a kick out of spreading gossip.”
“I know. It’s part of the reason I’m inviting you in.” Somehow letting her come inside makes me feel better, like I’m in control.
Amber stares wide-eyed, taking in the massive house. “This crib is even tighter than I imagined. It must be great living in such a fancy home.”
“Would you like something to drink?” She nods. I head through the formal living room on my way to the kitchen, purposely. Once Amber gets a glimpse of the huge family photo, she’ll get an eye full.
Amber halts in her tracks, catching sight of the picture hanging on the wall. “I’m a little stumped as to why there’s a family photograph of the Jenkins twins?”
I smirk. “Guess?”
“I’m kinda scared to.”
“Well, it’s pretty simple.” Far from it. “Their father is dating Tanya’s and my mother.”
Her mouth gapes open. “Come again?”
“They’re engaged, actually.”
The wheels begin turning inside her head. “Are you saying that you and Tanya live here, too?”
“Yep.”
“This is nuts.”
“Tell me about it.”
“So that’s why y’all never told anyone, because you didn’t want the word spreading like wildfire.” I nod. “I guess it would make things awkward if you fell for your stepbrother.”
“It definitely wasn’t planned. It’s hard living here with him now. Especially since our parents are engaged.”
“Oh, Madison! That must be awful.” I don’t think her eyes can get any bigger. “You guys broke up and still have to live together. No wonder you’re such a mess.”
“Now you have insight of what the problem is.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
I shrug. “Not unless you can go back in time and change stuff.”
Amber offers me a warm smile. “Wish I could. There are several things I’d like to change in my past, too.”
Sighing, I add, “If only life were that simple.”
“I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but I sense it’s more than you and Justin breaking up.”
“Much more…. It’s just not a topic I can bear to discuss.”
“Well, if you change your mind, I’m here for you. You’re a good person, Madison.”
“Really? I haven’t felt like one lately. Kinda been keeping to myself.”
“You’ve got a lot on your plate. But you are—you trusted me enough to tell me your secret.”
“You’re a good friend.”
“I promise, I won’t tell a soul about your situation.”
“Thank you.”
With my emotions unraveling after Jackson cornered me, I thought I didn’t care if the secret came out. I’ve calmed down now and realize that won’t help matters. If anything, it will make it worse, by being gossip of the year. The way my life is going, I don’t need any extra conflict. In my current dilemma, memories of my darkest secret have been eating away at me. With our parent’s engagement, I believe the phrase, “less is best” sums it up in a nutshell. Still, I don’t regret letting Amber in on part of the secret. It’s nice to have someone to talk to.
33
This Can’t Be Happening
Spring break arrives and we have the week off. I haven’t spoken to my grams in over a month. I miss her and decide to call. I’ve called my grandma Gigi since as far back as I can remember. It’s nice hearing her voice. I admit to being sad about the one-year anniversary of the death of my father, which is two weeks away.
“Is something else bothering you, dear, besides your father?”
I stare at the phone, wondering if my grandma can read minds. “Being here is just overwhelming at times,” is the best I can come up with. I can’t confess what’s really festering inside me.
“Why don’t you come stay with me this summer? You can hang out with Dari. She misses you.”
My spirit brightens with her invitation. I don’t realize how homesick I am until she asks. “I’d like to stay the summer.”
“Good, then it’s settled. Just promise to call me every week to let me know you’re okay.”
“I will.”
Spending the summer with Gigi gives me something to look forward to. I can gain some perspective while I’m away. Maybe Jackson will decide he’s bored of taunting me, and when I return, I can move forward with my life.
* * *
Amber surprises me by asking if I want to spend the rest of the weekend with her. I don’t have any other plans, so I happily accept. It beats moping around here.
Later that day, Amber picks me up. We watch movies on Netflix and laugh at funny videos on Snapchat. Amber is obsessed with bloggers. We check out what’s going on in the real lives of the people she follows. My favorite is the Prince family. I feel a kinship with them since they live in Houston, TX, also. The couple is fairly young with two cute sons. They’re a laid-back family who loves to post pranks—most of which are hilarious. The two bloggers got popular when the guy’s dad actually objected at their wedding—poor girl. Lucky for them, they got it sorted out and went forward with their vows. The Prince family has made a new fan. I’m following them now.
Amber doesn’t ask about Justin, which I appreciate. We stick to safer topics, like the fact that she plans on getting a job over the summer. Also, a tidbit of good news—she and Santiago are finally official. I couldn’t be happier for Amber.
Amber drops me off on Monday and I don’t have long to fret, worried about bumping into either brother. Cara sends a group text with Lina about hanging out at her house for a couple of days. More girl time is the perfect antidote to staying in good spirits. I run it by Regan about being gone for another few days, like I had when I was at Amber’s. He’s fine with it, of course. I don’t think Regan could ever tell me or Tanya no. He seems to fall into the category of “the girls have their dads wrapped around their fingers.”
The next morning, I catch an Uber to Cara’s and Lina arrives soon after. For the rest of the week, we binge on popular TV shows we’ve heard about on Netflix. We also play Sims, which is very addicting. All in all, I have a nice spring break.
* * *
April is halfway over, and I’ve been even sleepier lately. I could be low on vitamin D or have an iron deficiency. I’ve heard both can make you feel drained. I’ll have to stop at th
e store for vitamins to see if that will boost my energy.
Mondays are always a drag. Seeing Justin and Reba getting closer doesn’t help matters. Reba’s upper body is so close to him, her boobs are practically touching his chest. Her arm is wrapped around his waist, and he isn’t pushing her away. They appear to be more than friends. Red invades my vision. I want to yank her away of him. Envisioning myself grabbing her arm and twisting it behind her back makes me feel better. Not that I have any claim over Justin. It’s been months since I lied and threw in his face that I’d chosen another guy over him. To add insult to injury, in his eyes, it had been while we were still together.
It stings Justin is moving on, but I left him with no choice. Justin deserves someone who can give him her whole heart. At least we have a more easy-going companionship now. Justin hasn’t asked me any questions about my so-called boyfriend, and he doesn’t seem to harbor any hard feelings toward me. Not even after the night of his game. We speak and even make small talk sometimes. I wish there could be more to it, but I think we have finally accepted that it can’t be.
* * *
Before taking a shower, I look under the counter for the shampoo. I notice a pack of maxi pads and scrunch my nose. My cycle is very irregular. I only get seven or eight a year, but when was the last time I had one?
The beginning of December!
That was almost four months ago. The longest I’ve gone before without a period is about two months. Fear of what it could mean ransacks my mind. I raise my shirt, feeling my eyes grow wide. My stomach has always been as flat as a washboard, except when my cycle is about to start. I’m definitely bloated beyond measure. My stomach has a slight bump. When I rub my hand over my abdomen, it feels harder. I touch my breasts and they’re tender, too. Maybe I’m about to start at any moment. That must be the reason. I can’t bear the alternative. I can’t remember if Jackson bothered to strap up. He’d said he would take care of it, but I don’t recall him pausing once our pants were off. Terror rocks me to the core.
Unable to think about anything except the worse possible outcome, I must know for sure. The following day after school, I stop at the store and buy two different kinds of tests. I go into the bathroom. My hands tremble as I bore holes at the first pregnancy test applicator. The wait is excruciating. A pink line comes across the screen. I hold my breath, dreading to see if a second line will follow.
