Mere stopped dancing anyway to hug me goodbye. “I’m so glad you told Kyle the truth,” she whispered in my ear.
I was too stunned to say anything once she pulled back. Mere saw that Kyle and I had grown closer and assumed the conversation had taken place already. She thought I was a much better man than I truly was and I didn’t want to shatter her impression of me.
“Have a good weekend,” I finally said once I could speak again.
Mere noticed my reaction, but Harley pulled her back into his arms and spun her around before she could say another word. Holy shit, what the fuck have I done? I had carried things way too fucking far and didn’t know what to do.
I found Kyle waiting for me outside the marquee. He was looking up at the twinkling stars in the sky with a goofy grin on his face.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Thanking my lucky stars,” Kyle said softly then looked at me. “You know, Chaz. I was thinking earlier that we’ve never had a real date. I was hoping to change that next weekend if you’re free.” It was one of the classic romance book moments where you yelled at the main character not to blow it.
I didn’t have the luxury of playing along with the madness I’d started because Kyle wasn’t a fictional book boyfriend; he was a living, breathing, beautiful human being who deserved a chance at happiness. I had fooled myself into believing that I was good enough for him, but I knew better. It was time to pull a Gideon and yank that Band-Aid off.
“I’m sorry, Kyle. I can’t.”
I walked away and left him standing beneath the stars again, but not before I saw the hurt in his eyes. I knew that wounded look would follow me around for the rest of my life. I kept my shit together until I got home and saw the beautiful flowers he sent me sitting on my bedside table. I touched the petals gently while I cried over my stupidity for ruining the best thing to ever happen to me.
Once in fifth grade, our gym class was divided into two teams to play a rousing game of kickball. Gym teachers had a penchant for being purveyors of bullies with their bright idea of picking the two most popular kids as team captains and asking them to choose their teams. Of course, I was the fat, uncoordinated kid they always chose last. Of course, the captain saddled with me on his team would say things like, “just stay out of our way” instead of “welcome to the team.”
Well, I’d had enough of people telling me to stay out of their way that day and took action. The other downside I faced was the other team constantly targeting me. They’d kick the ball as hard as they could in my direction because they knew I wouldn’t catch or field it cleanly. “No more,” I had said softly to myself.
I stood tall and proud when the next kid stepped up to the makeshift plate in the gym. I squared my body like I’d seen the other kids do and had my arms up ready to catch the ball that I knew was coming my way. I underestimated the speed of the rubber ball and took a line-drive shot to my balls. It hurt so fucking bad and knocked the wind out of me. I thought I was going to puke all over the polished gym floor. I could still hear the laughter of the other kids in the class as I dropped to my knees holding my nuts.
I can honestly say that Chaz rejecting me outright then walking away was a thousand times more painful than the nut shot in gym class that day. He knocked the wind out of me, and I felt like I was going to be sick all over Gabe and Josh’s lawn. In addition to the searing pain, I was so fucking confused. Not ten minutes before his “I can’t, Kyle,” we were smiling, laughing, and making plans to spend the night wrapped up in each other. What the hell happened to me being better than any fictional book boyfriend?
I don’t know how long I stood there numbly staring before I pulled myself together and went home. I didn’t sleep a wink that night and dragged my ass through Sunday and Monday in a dazed fog. What the hell happened kept repeating in my mind over and over. I couldn’t answer the question no matter how many times I replayed the night. Chaz was fine until he went to tell Meredith goodnight. I was tempted to call her, but I decided against it. She and Josh were Chaz’s best friends and asking them to betray his confidence was just wrong.
The only available option for me was to accept that Chaz and I didn’t want the same things. He wasn’t going to be my happily ever after. Acknowledging it didn’t make me feel better, but I at least felt a little more in control of my emotions. Even so, I wasn’t as excited about touring the house after work on Monday night. Becker Howard was all teeth, reminding me of the cat from Alice in Wonderland.
“Are you ready to see your forever home?” he asked.
Are you ready to eat your stupid fucking teeth? I forced myself to snap out of my funk because it wasn’t Becker’s fault that I was in a foul mood. I offered him a small smile and said, “Wow me, Becker.”
Becker looked me up and down like he was trying to figure out if I was still talking about the house or something else. Look, the guy was cute, and his attention was flattering—especially on the heels of Chaz’s rejection. Sure, I might’ve felt better if I fucked him against the foyer wall, but regret would’ve moved in before I could remove the condom. He must’ve seen the true meaning of my words in my expression because he smiled professionally then he opened the front door and said, “Right this way.”
The interior of the two-story spacious home blew me away. The first thing you saw when you entered was a grand staircase made of dark, polished wood. The front level was an open floor plan, which meant I could see the large picture window in the family room wall at the rear of the house from the front door and it offered an amazing view of the pond and wooded acres behind the house.
“Wow,” I said.
“Isn’t it something?” Becker asked, sounding mighty pleased with himself.
“It truly is,” I answered.
“I’m just going to hang out here in the kitchen and catch up on some emails while you tour the house. Sound good?” he asked.
“Yes, thank you.” I was relieved that I didn’t have to attempt inane banter when I wasn’t in the mood. I had one mission: determine if this was the house for me. I was glad I could do that in peace and quiet.
I started upstairs and took my time looking at each of the bedrooms and full bathrooms. There were more bedrooms than I could imagine needing, but I’d rather have too much space than too little. I stood in the smallest of the bedrooms and thought it would make a great home office. It overlooked the pond and trees, and I thought it would inspire a lot of writing. My heart lurched as soon as the thought crossed my mind. No, the room wouldn’t be used to write best-selling novels, but I was certain I could put it to good use.
I checked out the finished basement and the first floor before I met Becker in the kitchen. “I love that master bedroom,” I told Becker. I didn’t tell him that the custom tile shower was exactly like the one I hoped to share with Chaz. I also didn’t tell him that the gourmet kitchen was way more than I needed since I basically only used the microwave.
“Would you like a day or two to think about it?” Becker asked. “I think the homeowners wouldn’t mind giving you that time before they list the house on the market.”
“I want this house,” I told Becker.
He wrote up the offer, and the homeowners accepted it a few hours later. I started working with my loan officer the next morning so that I had something positive to focus on instead of the emptiness I felt with Chaz’s absence in my life. I took my family over to the house a few days later to see it because they were excited for me, plus my mom needed an idea so she could help me decorate.
Mom leaned against the kitchen island and smiled up at me. “I told you that Becker knew his stuff.”
“You were right,” I told her.
“Cute too,” she added.
“Mom,” I said in a warning tone.
“I know the look of heartbreak when I see it,” she said. “I know that you’re not ready to move on right now, but Becker has potential when that day comes.”
Becker was cute, smart, and funny. My br
ain said he was my type, but my heart said otherwise. My mom might’ve been right, and I only needed time, but I didn’t think that was the case. If I ever got over Chaz Hamilton, I was pretty sure that Becker wasn’t the guy I would seek.
The next two weeks dragged on at a torturously slow pace. I miraculously avoided running into Chaz, which was good and bad. I didn’t want to be around him, but I needed to see that he wore misery all over his face like I did. I knew that my staff worried about my withdrawn mood, but they didn’t say anything. On a whim, I started bringing Sadie to work with me and that lifted my spirits. She was great with my animal patients, their owners, and my staff adored having her around all day. Having her and Otis helped ease my loneliness, but it wasn’t a cure.
I was supposed to go to dinner at Josh and Gabe’s the Sunday after they returned from their two-week honeymoon. It was the last place that I wanted to be, but I went anyway. I tried my best not to even look in Chaz’s direction because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me. I had decided to move on with my life and get over him at any cost. The first step was to suck it up and spend time near him while not really being with him. I sat quietly in a corner and sipped my beer, hoping no one would notice I wasn’t interacting with the others. Of course, I wasn’t that lucky.
“What did you do?” Gabe asked.
“Me?” I was shocked that he asked me such a ridiculous question. “Me?”
“Yes, you,” Gabe said. “You looked like you were so close to getting everything you deserved and now… Well, it looks like everything went tits up.”
“Tits up?” I asked.
“It’s a saying that Josh is prone to use on occasion. That one and ‘calm your tits.’ So, what did you do?” Gabe asked again.
“It’s not me,” I said, holding my right hand up like I was swearing in before giving testimony. “I thought we were finally heading in the right direction, but he put the brakes on when I asked him on a date. He turned me down flat.”
“You asked Chaz on a date, and he turned you down flat? No explanations or nothing?” Gabe asked to clarify.
“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head because I still couldn’t believe it. “One minute he was looking at me with eyes that begged me to kiss him again, and the next he was telling me that he couldn’t go out with me, but didn’t say why. I think I’m just going to give up.”
“Don’t do that, Kyle,” Gabe said firmly. “If you weren’t upset about it, then I’d agree with you, but you are upset. That means you do care and brushing away your feelings isn’t the right thing to do.” I knew Gabe was thinking about all the twists and turns he and Josh had taken before they fell madly in love with one another. “I promise you that it’s worth the battle.”
I inhaled deeply and released my breath slowly. I turned my head and looked over to where Chaz was sitting next to Emory. Chaz looked up just then, and our eyes met and held for a few seconds before he looked away again. Our connection didn’t last long, but I saw the same yearning in Chaz’s eyes that I felt in my heart. I recognized the sadness and loneliness looking back at me and wondered why we were apart if we were both so damn miserable. “Yeah, okay.”
“Good man,” Gabe said and patted me on the shoulder.
That didn’t mean it was easy for me to be patient and bide my time while Chaz sorted himself out. I fought with myself every day not to call or text him over the next two weeks. My conviction flew out the window when I showed up at Josh and Gabe’s Halloween party and saw Chaz wearing leather pants. It was the icebreaker I needed though.
“Are you a leather daddy?” I asked him.
“Hardly,” Chaz said and snorted. “I’m Ross from Friends.” The episode where Ross sweated in the leather pants and couldn’t pull them up was one of my favorites also. “Where’s your costume?” Chaz asked.
I smiled shyly and undid the top three buttons on my shirt. “I came as Chandler,” I said, flashing him my fake third nipple.
“Oh my God! You have a nubbin!” Chaz threw his head back and laughed. I had missed the sound of his laughter almost as much as his kisses. “That’s perfect.” The smile slid from his face, and he looked somberly at me. “I didn’t think you were coming.”
“I wasn’t sure either,” I said honestly. I’d talked myself in and out of it multiple times that day. By the time I arrived at the party, it was in full swing. Hell, I hadn’t even sought out the hosts to say hello before I made my way to Chaz.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I opened my mouth to respond, but someone cranked up the volume on Bobby Pickett’s “Monster Mash.” I chuckled as the people started getting down to the popular Halloween song before I turned my attention back to Chaz. “I can tell that you’re sorry, but I wish I knew why.” I had raised my voice so he could hear me over the music. “Are you sorry that you hurt me or sorry that nothing has changed?”
Chaz flinched as if I hit him, but he didn’t break eye contact with me. I saw his resolve to talk to me in his expression and in the way he squared his shoulders. “I need to tell you something, Kyle. I should’ve told you months ago,” he said.
“You can tell me anything,” I told Chaz. I was certain that nothing he said would change my feelings for him. “I won’t like you any less.”
Chaz leaned forward and pressed his lips to my ears and said, “I’m Drew.”
I jerked back from him and looked into his eyes. He wasn’t joking as I had first suspected. Anger and humiliation washed over me. Chaz knew this whole fucking time? He made me talk about the situation with Drew during lunch. Oh my God, had he been playing me? First as his alter ego, Drew, until that got old. I was horrified as I recalled some of the intimate things I chatted about with Drew.
I couldn’t think anymore; I reacted instead. I tossed Chaz over my shoulder caveman style and started carrying him toward the door.
“What are you doing?” Chaz squealed in alarm.
Fury rose swift and fierce inside me and I wasn’t sure how to process it. “Not a word out of you,” I said sharply then followed my command with a slap to his leather-clad ass. What the fuck was I doing? I should’ve postponed our conversation until I was calmer, but I couldn’t put him down and walk away. I wasn’t one to anger quickly, or hardly at all. I was always calm, cool, and in control until Chaz Hamilton came into my world.
“Where are you taking me?” he demanded to know.
Chaz didn’t take direction very well, so I slapped his ass again.
“I’m taking you somewhere we can hash this out in private,” I said. “I can’t believe you, Chaz.” As angry as I was at him, the prodominant emotion I felt was disappointment. I had been let down by people many times during my lifetime and I didn’t always live up to my own expectations, but somehow I didn’t expect that from Chaz. I held him to a higher standard even though he hinted that I shouldn’t the morning after we have sex for the first time. I couldn’t imagine Chaz had a good reason, but I knew in my heart that Chaz wasn’t a jerk, even if his actions indicated otherwise. I would hear what he had to say for himself then make a decision on where to go from there.
I carried Chaz to my truck and unceremoniously dumped him in the passenger seat. “Don’t you fucking move.”
“Okay then,” Chaz said agreeably, but it lacked the perky tone of voice he normally used. Then I realized where I’d heard that phrase. Drew! He used it a lot when we played online or chatted. How the hell did I miss that?
Chaz wisely stayed put and didn’t say anything else until we arrived back at my house. “Spill it,” I said after I gave him a few minutes to greet my pets.
“Otis is growing so fast,” Chaz said sadly.
“Chaz,” I growled in a warning tone. “You owe me an explanation.”
“I do,” Chaz agreed. He swallowed hard and started telling me how it all began. “I only created that profile to use as research for my book.”
“The one you just finished?” I asked.
“No, the one I already published a few months ago,” he said shyly.
“Wait, you didn’t tell me that the book you finished last month was your second book,” I interjected. How intricate was Chaz’s web of lies?
Chaz closed his eyes while he inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled a few times. Fuck, I was the one who needed to do yoga breathing to calm down. Finally, he opened his eyes and looked at me with sincere regret in his expressive eyes. “If I told you about the book, you would’ve wanted to read it and I couldn’t—”
“—Oh my God!” I cut him off before he could say anything else. “Did you put what I did with Drew in the book?”
“I didn’t use any of the conversations we had or specific things we did, but I worried that you’d recognize some of the situations,” Chaz said.
“Situations?” I practically screeched. Wow, I didn’t realize my voice could get that high.
“Kyle, I didn’t use anything specific,” he reiterated. “I meant how we met and started chatting on the app. My book characters took things further and used Skype and eventually met in person.”
“They did?” I asked. “Is that why you refused to meet me?”
“Kyle, how the hell could I have met you?” Chaz asked irritably. “Besides, the relationship you had with the real me was nothing like the one the book characters had.”
“How was it different?” I don’t know why I needed to know; I just did.
“Well, for starters, one of the characters turned out to be a serial killer and—”
“Did you make me the killer?”
“Babe, I think we veered way off topic here,” Chaz told me.
Then we stood there blinking at one another when we both realized he called me babe. I could tell he wanted to take it back, but I knew it was the most genuine reaction I got from him that didn’t involve sex.
“I think I need a beer. Then I want to hear this again from the beginning,” I told Chaz. “I want to know at what point you knew it was me and why you didn’t tell me before you dirty messaged me through masturbation.”
Welcome to Blissville Page 108
