“I know damn well you’re inside, Emory,” Josh said angrily. “I see your black Mini in the driveway with its showy, look-at-me stripes. Answer this damn door before I call the cops and tell them I smell an odd odor coming from your house. They’ll think you’re dead because that’s our new normal and come busting through the door.” He banged some more and added, “You better have clothes on unless you want them to see you in your skivvies or buck-ass naked.”
Fuck! I remembered that I had an appointment to have Josh color and trim my hair. I was slow to move even though I was relieved that it was only my new friend and not my future lover. I made my way to the rear door and parted my curtains so Josh could see that I was alive and there was no need for him to call 911. I had avoided looking in the mirrors so that I didn’t have to see my traitorous reflection. I worried that he would look satiated and happy when I felt dead inside. I must’ve looked horrible because Josh audibly gasped when our eyes met through the glass.
He’d been furious when he came over; I heard it in his voice and could tell by the way he pounded on my door. He took one look at me, and the starch faded immediately from him.
“Please let me in, Emory.”
I unbolted the door and opened it a crack. I had no intention of letting Josh inside. “Hey,” I said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t call and cancel my appointment.”
Josh plastered a stubborn look on his face and shoved past me. He was much stronger than I expected. He stood in the middle of my kitchen looking at me expectantly. What did he want? I already apologized to him. I felt frustration rising to the surface, and I was happy to embrace another emotion besides sorrow.
“Josh, now isn’t a good time.”
“Now’s the perfect time because I happen to have an empty salon chair for the next one hundred and eighty minutes. So,” Josh pulled out a chair and sat down at my kitchen table, “why don’t you tell me what’s going on. Every time I turned around, you were in my face, and today I had to force myself on you. That’s a big turn of events. I’m starting to get my feelings hurt that you didn’t like my cooking or something.”
“You know that’s not the case,” I said in a grim voice. “I just had a setback and needed time and space to deal with it.” I just wanted to be left alone so that I could sort things out. Hell, I hadn’t returned Memphis’s phone calls, and he was closer to me than any living person. Not for long. I fisted and unfisted my hands, unsure of what to do with them. I wanted to press them to my ears, but it wouldn’t do any good. The disturbing dialogue was internal. I glanced at Josh to see how he was taking my nervous breakdown, certain that he was ready to bolt from my house. He was too busy looking around my kitchen speculatively to notice my fidgeting and twitching.
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, which I thought was odd until I remembered he claimed to be a hellacious poker player. His impassive mask slipped the second he locked eyes on me again. “Talk to me, Emory. You can tell me anything; I promise you that I won’t gossip.”
I looked away from Josh’s earnest eyes and watched my finger draw the infinity symbol on the shiny wood surface of my kitchen table. River and I had planned to get matching infinity tattoos, but he died before we got them. So what’s stopping you from getting one now? That was the first thought I’d had in days that didn’t make me sick to my stomach.
“I’m not sure talking about it will help me, Josh, but I appreciate your willingness to listen,” I said after several quiet moments.
Josh covered my hand to stop the motion. “I have to be honest with you, Emory. It looks like not talking is killing you. Is this about a vision?”
I snorted and said, “You could say that.”
“It’s about Jonathon Silver, isn’t it?” I snapped my gaze up to Josh in surprise. “I saw the way you reacted to him when your hands touched. Is he in trouble?”
“I don’t know about that, Josh. It wasn’t that kind of vision,” I somberly said.
Josh looked confused for a long moment then said, “Oh,” when he realized why my vision shook me.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I, um… we appeared to be very happy in the vision.” My tone of voice was so grave that you would’ve thought I just announced the end of the world was near. To be honest, that was exactly how I felt.
“You don’t want to be happy, Emory?”
“I don’t deserve to be happy, Josh, and that’s my problem. I just can’t. Not after what happened…” My words broke off before I could finish. Josh seemed to know what I almost said, but how could he? Josh couldn’t possibly begin to understand the depths of my despair unless he had experienced a similar type of loss. I prayed that he didn’t know how it felt because I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially not someone I was starting to think of as my friend.
“You don’t think River would want you to be happy?” Josh asked me.
“River wouldn’t want you to be lonely.” “River would want you to move on with your life and be happy.” “River would want you to rejoin your rightful place in the company.” Everyone was suddenly an expert on what my husband would and wouldn’t have wanted for me. Odd, when some of them didn’t bother to know him while he was alive. I’d heard every variation of what people thought River would want for me, but I couldn’t be sure. Besides, moving on and finding happiness isn’t something River could choose for me. My heart had to choose, but it had died with River. I mean, I still had a beating organ in my chest that pumped blood and oxygen throughout my body, but the part that knew how to love and accept love was gone.
“Josh, if not for me, he wouldn’t be dead. I don’t have the right to go out and be happy after what I did.”
I could tell Josh wanted to know what happened, but I also saw that he’d never ask me. Instead, he reached across the table and covered both my hands with his. “Whenever you want to talk, I promise to be here—well, unless your visions tell you differently,” he added wryly. “Until then, why don’t you tell me what you had planned to do with your hair today. I’ll get my stuff and do it here instead.”
“You don’t have to do that, Josh. I can reschedule.”
“Honey, your roots will be grown out hideously by the time you get in again. It was a miracle you got in when you did. My skills are in high demand,” Josh said confidently, but not arrogantly. “I’ve got the time and skill; you have the peace and quiet.”
My lips quirked up in the first hint of a smile in days. “Okay,” I finally said after a long pause. “Thank you.”
Josh rose to his feet and headed for the door but stopped suddenly. He turned and looked at me suspiciously. Did he think I would ignore him when he returned? Instead of leaving, Josh called Chaz and asked him to bring the things he needed to my house.
When the knock came on the back door, Josh was careful to block me from Chaz’s view. “Do you need me to reschedule your next appointment?” Chaz asked Josh in concern.
“No, I’ll be back in time. Thank you, though.” Josh faced me again once he shut the door. He smiled then asked, “Color and trim?”
I was ready to say yes automatically, but an irrational thought occurred to me. In all my visions, Jonathon Silver was fascinated by my long hair. He fisted it, ran his fingers through it, and pushed it back off my face. My life had seemed out of control, as if I was nothing more than a puppet on an invisible string, once I started having visions. I did everything they revealed to me because it at least felt right, but not Jonathon. That was too much. “I want a haircut, not a trim.” I felt an insane rush of power flow through me once the words left my mouth.
“Like a few inches or…”
“Short,” I replied. “I want something new.” It was such a drastic change; I could tell Josh was uncertain. “I’m positive,” I told him before he could voice his concern.
“I told you to quit reading my mind, Emory. It’s just fucking rude.” Josh’s prim tone was at odds with his crude language, and it made me laugh for the first time since… the last time he made me
laugh. Maybe Josh was the reason I moved to Blissville.
“You search for hairstyles you like on your phone while I whip up magic potions in my bowls,” Josh said while he unpacked the bag Chaz brought him. “It’ll help me know where best to place your highlights.”
“I want something chunkier this time,” I told him while searching on my phone. “It doesn’t need to look natural. In fact, I want it to be more obvious.”
“Damn, you sound like one of the dramatic before and after advertisements,” Josh teased. “If that’s what you want, Emory, then that’s what I’m going to do.”
“It’s what I want,” I said with more conviction than the last time.
“Then that’s what you shall have, Emory.”
Josh wrapped a cape around my shoulders and got to work. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of his fingers through my hair, which was nothing like I felt with River or… When Josh touched my hair or scalp, it felt relaxing, not sensual. I relaxed for the first time in days as stress seemed to melt away beneath his talented touch.
A little over an hour later, Josh looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. “Damn, I’m good,” he said. “Let’s go find a mirror so you can see your new look.”
I stood up and went to the guest bathroom off the living room. I flipped on the light and couldn’t believe my reflection. A wide smile slowly spread across my face. “Holy fuck! I look so different with short hair.”
“Do you like it?” Josh asked.
Like was too tame of a word. “I love it, Josh. It’s just the change I needed too.” I ran my fingers through the long bangs that cut across my forehead. I’d picked an asymmetrical cut that made my bone structure look more prominent. My eyes looked bigger, and my mouth seemed wider with the new style. “There won’t be any hair for him to fist,” I muttered under my breath. My eyes widened when I realized what I spoke out loud. “Um…”
“You don’t have to say anything else,” Josh told me. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.” He left me alone in the small bathroom, and I stared at my reflection for a long time.
I returned to the kitchen and headed into the pantry. I walked back into the kitchen with the broom and dustpan in my hands. I hadn’t planned to talk to Josh about my sorrows. They just rolled off my tongue when I opened my mouth. “I saw something that I am not prepared for now, probably never if I’m honest. I just thought maybe this,” I gestured to my hair, “might change the course of things.”
Josh looked skeptical but didn’t reply.
I began sweeping my hair into piles. “River didn’t want to go out that night,” I said softly. “He wanted to stay in, order pizza, and watch his favorite movies. I insisted we go out on the town for his thirtieth birthday. If I had just listened to him…” My words broke off, and I began to cry.
“Emory.” Josh dropped what he’d had in his hands and hugged me tightly while my body shook with the force of my sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
“He was my whole world, and I didn’t listen to him. I put myself first and lost everything that had any meaning to me. I don’t want to feel or love again. That part of me died with him in that icy water.” I ran my fingers through my bangs again and said, “River loved my long hair; I just can’t stand the thought of anyone touching it as he did.”
“I wish I could make this better for you, Emory.” Josh sounded tearful, and I hated that I upset him.
“Nothing and no one can help me,” I told him. Why couldn’t I just shut up and let Josh get on with his day? Why did I feel the need to pull everyone into my quagmire of misery? I groaned and covered my face with my hands.
“I hate to leave you here like this, Emory. I will cancel the rest of my appointments and…”
“No! Don’t do that for me. I promise you that I’m okay. The whole thing with Jonathon hit me hard and has left me reeling since. I feel better now, Josh. Thank you.” I wasn’t lying just to get him to leave either. The new haircut felt like a fresh start and would help me move forward.
I could tell that Josh didn’t want to go, but he didn’t argue. He threw his arms around me once more and hugged me. “I’m just a short walk or a phone call away,” Josh said. “Anytime you need a friend.”
“Thank you.” It amazed me that a person’s kindness could move me to tears as quickly as something hurtful. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
Josh gave me a small wave and walked out the back door. I dried my eyes and went into the living room to retrieve the notebook where I’d recorded my book ideas. I made a few notes while they were fresh on my mind then picked up my cell phone when I finished. I clicked on the camera icon and chose the selfie feature. I was happy to see that my eyes were no longer red and puffy. I snapped the picture before I could talk myself out of it and sent it to Memphis with a message that read: Guess what I did?
His response was swift. I will show up on your doorstep in Blisstucky if you ever ignore my motherfucking calls and texts for three days again. Do you hear me, Em? You scared me to death.
Knowing I upset him so much caused fresh tears to form in my eyes. I’m sorry, Memphis. I just had a really bad setback. I won’t do it again. I promise. Love you.
Love the new haircut. And the rest of you isn’t so bad either.
At least that part was right again in my world. I would be thankful for small favors.
I wasn’t cut out to manage people. I easily killed enemies of the United States of America without blinking, but settling a dispute between two pissy bartenders, who were fighting each other over a club patron, was not my area of expertise. It would’ve been easier to take them out and make it look like an accident, but that wasn’t my life anymore. Besides, they weren’t an enemy to me or my country, and I drew the line at killing people just because they got on my nerves. I wasn’t a psychopath for fuck’s sake!
Two fucking days later, I could still hear those two dumbasses bickering in my office like two little kids while Michelle and I looked on.
“You’re just jealous because he gave me his phone number and not you,” Tyler had said to Jamar.
Jamar looked down at his nails as if the entire conversation was boring him. “I’ve had his phone number for a few weeks, jackass.” Jamar rolled his eyes dramatically. “You know what? You can have him because I don’t want a guy who has such pitiful taste in men.”
Tyler put his hands on his hips and cocked his head to the side. “Oh yeah, Jamar? I seem to recall that you liked how I tasted just fine. What happened to, ‘Oh, baby, you’re the best I’ve ever had’? I believe those words slid out of your mouth right after my cock did.”
“That was last week,” Jamar said with a casual shrug.
“Then why don’t you want me calling Brandon? Are you jealous?” Tyler demanded.
“Of you?” Jamar sounded like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard, but I wondered if Tyler might be right. Then I questioned why the fuck I even cared.
“That’s enough!” I yelled before Tyler could answer. Both men jumped a little and stiffened at the harsh tone I used. “I can’t believe I got called in here for some Knots Landing bullshit.” I could tell by their confused expression that they’d never heard of the show. I only knew because it had been my mother’s favorite. “Never mind,” I groused. “You two work out your problems after your shift is over. I don’t want to see you bring your personal shit in here again? Do you hear me?”
The two men glared at one another briefly before they responded to my question. “Yes, sir,” they said at the same time.
“For what it’s worth, I’m not sure how any of you had time to notice the patrons when you’re so busy eye fucking one another. Sort. It. Out. Fuck. It. Out. Just do it away from the club.”
Their faces flushed pink with embarrassment, but I noticed they dropped their pretenses when they looked at one another again.
“Do you want to come over after work?” Jamar asked Tyler.
“I’d love that, J.”
“The
re you go,” I said encouragingly. “Now get the fuck out of my office.”
They left without another word. I saw Tyler pull Jamar to him for a quick kiss in the hallway before the door shut. I returned home after the argument was solved. Home? It was Nate’s home, but it never felt like mine. It was too modern and wasn’t a good fit for me, but selling the house seemed wrong.
Nagging thoughts of Emory didn’t do anything to alleviate my discontent with my surroundings and new career as a club owner. I couldn’t get his haunted green eyes out of my mind. I felt like I was losing my freaking mind in the days that followed Easter Sunday. I kept as busy as I could by staying on top of things at the club and monitoring the sales and income data. So far, the thief hadn’t struck again. I had a feeling that he or she would wait until they thought I’d lost interest before they started siphoning money and liquor from my club again. If so, they didn’t know jack about me.
By mid-week, I was ready to climb the ceiling. I was minutes away from making arrangements for a long weekend in New Orleans to see if I could find my center again, but that didn’t feel right to me either. I hated the hold that Emory unknowingly had on me. It felt like he had my cock in a cage and had the only key. I wasn’t used to being on anyone’s leash, and I hated it with a fucking passion.
“Fuck it,” I snarled after running five miles on the treadmill. I headed into the home office to retrieve my phone to make the arrangements and saw that I missed a call from Gabe. He left a brief message and asked me to call him at my earliest convenience. There was a lightness to his tone that I’d only heard when he spoke to, or about, his boyfriend. He sounded happy. Did that mean he had a break in Nate’s case?
“What’s up, Gabe?” I asked when he answered the phone. I figured we were on a first name basis after our little holiday dinner together.
“I made an arrest in your brother’s case, Silver.” Okay, maybe he wasn’t quite ready to be best buds, but I was willing to overlook it in light of his announcement. “I can’t give you any details right now, but I’m certain I’ve got the right man. I’ll share more with you when I can.”
Welcome to Blissville Page 125
