by Lee Wardlow
He was embarrassed, and I knew without him responding that he hadn’t been. I didn’t know what he was waiting for. He was twenty-five now.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed Seth,” I told him.
He nodded. “I listened to what Granddad said. I mean really listened and I decided that I wanted what he had with Grammy. I’ve seen what Matt and Layla had too. I even stayed with him some as a kid, you know before I screwed up,” he explained.
Seth was looking at his hands clasped between his knees not at me. I could tell that he was uncomfortable with this conversation, but he didn’t need to be. It was me. His big brother. I wasn’t going to make him feel bad about being a virgin. “Before Layla didn’t like me anymore,” Seth added.
I realized that Layla leaving hurt Seth not like it had hurt Matt. My brother was destroyed by her, but it had hurt Seth too. When they started dating Seth was only five. I remembered now how they used to take him places with them to get him out of Mom’s hair. Layla was sweet to Seth. He was the only brother that she was ever truly kind to.
“I want to be with one girl, Ben. I just haven’t found her yet.”
I nodded. A noble want and gesture. “What if she’s been with other men?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. If she’s the right one for me, it shouldn’t matter.”
I nodded at him.
“Did you love Jasmine?” He asked.
I didn’t. “I ran from her before I had the chance to develop real feelings.” He didn’t need to know that I ran because I was in love with Disa, her cousin. They worked together. Seth wasn’t known for keeping secrets.
“But you could have?” He prodded. Seth was digging into feelings that I preferred not to think about because then I might have to admit to him that I had feelings for Disa and Jasmine was her replacement.
“I’m angry at her, Seth. She lied to me.”
“Are you angry at Asia?” He asked.
“That’s stupid,” I snapped at Seth.
“No, it isn’t. You didn’t go and see her. Just the one time is all. How could you stay away for six weeks?”
Because I was afraid of her mother and the thoughts that she was stirring in me. Thoughts about Disa Riley. I didn’t want to see her, but I wanted to see my child. I thought every day about my daughter though. “That brother is why you were taking me home from the bar a lot.”
“That’s stupid,” Seth rolled his eyes at me.
“Yeah, it was,” I agreed.
I sat the bottle down and laid Asia against my chest. I patted her on the back. I looked at her face just watching her. She yawned, and I chuckled.
“She eats, sleeps and poops,” Seth informed me.
“Pretty much, Seth.”
She gave me a sense of peace and gave that same feeling to Heath too. She filled my emptiness that I didn’t know I had. She gave me purpose. In a million years, I never would have expected to be so happy about having this tiny person in my life. Ten months ago, I wasn’t happy about it but now…I couldn’t stop smiling when I could keep my eyes open.
My phone was ringing once again. “That’s work or Mom. Grab my phone. Would you?” I asked Seth.
He ran down the hall. I continued to burp Asia. He returned with my phone and handed it to me. “Mom,” he informed me.
Rachel wasn’t happy that I had overslept. I explained that I had been up and down most of the night for an entire week straight. I hadn’t slept more than four hours every night and I was beat.
I listened to my mother ramble about her and Dad as parents when they were young. I rolled my eyes at Seth. “Yes Mom, I hear you. Tim was great about it. He said all new fathers take off. He told me that I should take today and Monday. Asia has an appointment on Monday anyway, so I’ll probably do as he suggested.” Seth shook his head at me. My brother was feeling my pain. None of us enjoyed a Rachel lecture at this time of the morning.
“I think I should go with you,” she said.
It would be so easy to say yes, please go with me. I would be eternally grateful if you would. While you’re at it, could you keep her just one night, so I could sleep a solid eight hours? Just once. Instead, I said, “No, I’ll be fine.”
Rachel stammered and stuttered but what could she say? Finally, she said, “If you say so.”
I needed for Rachel to understand my feelings right now. “Mom, the best thing you did to me was force me to bring her home with me and leave us.”
“I did?” Rachel sounded shocked by that declaration coming from me.
“You did, and I love you for it,” I informed her.
“You do?” She asked getting teary on me. I rolled my eyes at the ceiling. I hated it when Mom cried. I could run into the woods with Elijah when I knew she was pissed about something to avoid her but her tears they gutted me.
“Of course, I do. Mom, I need to go. I’m going shopping. I need diapers.”
“Okay. Ben…”
“What Mom?” I asked.
“I love you too and your beautiful daughter.”
“Thanks, Mom. We love you too.”
Chapter 6
I mozied about the store with Asia’s carrier in the back of the shopping cart, just browsing the baby stuff. Beneath the cart I had already stuffed two big boxes of baby diapers in her size.
I was near the baby shampoos and lotions when a new mother stopped me. How did I know she was a new mother? I was getting good at scoping these women out. Baby in the carrier wasn’t much younger or older than Asia. Hard to tell when they are this age.
The mother was still carrying a little baby weight and she wore a baggy outfit trying to cover those few extra pounds. Something comfortable. The last clue this woman was as tired as me.
“You look exhausted,” she informed me starting a conversation which happened frequently if I stopped at the store with Asia on my way home from Mom’s house, after work.
“She’s not sleeping well,” I replied.
“You need this purple baby bath and lotion. They are live savers,” she told me. Was it for me or the baby, I wondered? “So soothing.” I almost bought two bottles of each. Anything that would bring me, and Asia relief was a lifesaver.
“I use it too sometimes,” she informed me. I almost laughed out loud when she said that because I had been thinking that very thing. I might just try it.
That’s when she deposited the two bottles in the seat of my cart where I had a couple of cans of formula sitting too. She winked at me. “You’ll thank me later.”
“Thanks,” I told her and went looking for more things.
I grabbed a package of wipes and was about to put them in my cart when another mother with her baby sitting up in the seat in her cart snatched it out of my hand. “Oh honey, you do not want to use that on your baby. Mommy sent you shopping, didn’t she? She forgot to tell you which brand to get,” she said.
I scratched my head. How do I answer that question? I’m a single dad, raising my daughter because her mother is nineteen and ran out on her. She tricked me too because I’m an idiot. I smiled at her and kept my thoughts to myself.
She peeked in the carrier. “Oh, she’s gorgeous, just like her Daddy,” she cooed.
I was used to being flattered by women not usually in front of my daughter. “I…uh…thanks,” I muttered.
She smiled at me. She was pretty, too. Blonde. Nice figure. The last Mommy was cute too, but I wasn’t interested in women right now. Not just any woman that is. I was interested in Asia and maybe the beautiful blonde that still worked for my dad at Ike’s.
“Buy these,” she held them out to me.
“What’s the difference?” I asked.
She pointed to the package. “Fragrance free. See, right here.”
I nodded. “No fragrance.” But the purple stuff had a fragrance. Lavender scent. I held up a bottle. “Is this okay?”
“Yes, that is perfect. It soothes the baby.” That’s what the first Mommy had told me too. “Sometime
s Mommy, too.” She winked at me and I chuckled.
“Thanks,” I said and moved Asia along. I needed more blankets. I couldn’t keep up with the laundry, so I was getting her more blankets, more sleepers and more onesies because inevitably my daughter spit up or peed on multiple items a day and she had a lot of them but needed more.
I grabbed a package of blankets. “Not those,” I turned and there stood Disa Riley. The woman who had been haunting my thoughts and my dreams more so since that kiss.
She took the package from me and handed me another one. They were softer, I discovered running my thumb over the fabric. “Those women were flirting with you, Ben. You didn’t flirt back. Has the man whore lost his touch?”
I flinched at her insult. “That’s not nice,” I said.
She looked at me. I thought she might apologize then she looked in the cart. “You have Asia.” She touched her cheek. Then she looked at me as if she were waiting on an answer. “I thought you weren’t seeing her,” she said.
“I did see her at the hospital,” I defended myself. “I told you that I wanted to see her. Jasmine decided to leave her with Jenny and Elijah.”
People were passing us in the aisle. We were having a personal conversation here. I didn’t really want my business spread all over Sherwood.
I wanted to reach out and caress her like I had at the pub, but I knew she wouldn’t like that. “Disa, I’m sorry about the other night.” I wasn’t sorry. I needed to explain I realized when I saw her face take on a look that seemed to be hurt.
“I mean I’m not sorry that I kissed you. Never sorry about that,” I rambled. She shook her head at me. Still I was uncertain about this woman and what she was thinking or feeling. Once a long time ago, I could read her well. “I’m just sorry that it happened when I was drunk and in the men’s restroom at Ike’s.”
She laughed at me then. A soft, sweet sound. I had forgotten how good her laughter sounded and how it made me feel. I smiled at her
“Ben, do you want to have lunch?” I was shocked by the invitation because the tension between us had been bad since she found out I had slept with her cousin. It wasn’t any better when she had to help me get my zipper unstuck.
“Why?” I asked scrutinizing her closely. We hadn’t been on the best of terms recently because of Jasmine. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go to lunch with her because I did. I would spend any time with this woman that she would give me.
“I’d like to see Asia,” Disa replied without batting an eyelash.
I didn’t have to think about a response. “Sure,” I declared. “I’ll have lunch with you, so you can see Asia.” I wasn’t kidding anyone, most of all not Disa about why I wanted to have lunch with her. I wanted to spend time with her. Just being in her presence filled me with thoughts and feelings I knew I shouldn’t be having but I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t turn my heart or my head off where this woman was concerned.
She named a restaurant two doors down from where we were right now. “Twenty minutes?” She asked.
“Sounds good,” I replied.
I started to grab another two packages of blankets off the shelf when Disa turned to me. “Ben?” I looked up at her. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“For what?” I had already forgotten her insult of the past few minutes apparently.
She swallowed. “For a lot of things.”
“Sure,” I replied. Although I wasn’t sure what she had to apologize to me for. I had hurt her.
I watched her walk away. Disa was beautiful. Long, curly blonde hair. A natural blonde, I was pretty sure. There were no dark roots. Big, blue eyes. She didn’t wear make-up except at the pub where she worked for my dad. Then, she only wore a little eyeliner and a bright red lipstick.
She was a knockout all right, but she was off limits according to my dad. His conversation with me still stung after all these years. She worked for Dad and Disa Riley was innocent. He told me in no uncertain terms to back off.
Disa was virgin innocent saving herself for the right man and that man could have been me six years ago, but Ben Hatfield didn’t do virgins according to my dad. Dad thought he knew me so well. There were all sorts of complications attached to being with a virgin. I looked back at that conversation with my father and wondered now why I hadn’t fought him harder because obviously I hadn’t gotten over Disa.
She was twenty-one then and had just started working for Dad when she moved out of her family’s compound. I was probably twenty-two at the time or maybe had just turned it. We weren’t that far apart in age. I had known her our whole lives only being a year apart in school. She was friends with my sister, Danni. Disa knew the bad boy reputation I was just starting to earn but was not deterred by it.
She was sweet and innocent. We dated over six months. My reputation with women was like AJ said, a little blown out proportion. Rumors started and suddenly I was a legendary ladies’ man but with Disa I was different.
Respectful. Caring. I was falling in love then one day at the pub a girl was flirting with me. I was just being nice. I smiled and was friendly. Dad took me aside. He told me that I was just like him and too young to settle down. He liked Disa too and wanted her to remain the way she was and not become one of the many women who drunkenly complained to him at Ike’s that I never called them back.
I tossed the two packages of blankets into the cart almost hitting my daughter. Lucky for me, the handle caused the packages to drop to the side instead of hitting her in the face.
I gasped. “Baby girl, I’m so sorry.” She was sleeping, oblivious to what was going on around her.
I sighed. That was close. I needed to pay better attention to what I was doing with Asia. I grabbed a package of onesies then another. Then moved down to sleepers and picked out a few before heading to checkout.
I could see Disa two checkout lanes over. I laid my things on the belt and watched the numbers adding up while peeking over at Disa Riley too. Man, she only became prettier as the years passed. I wondered if she was dating anyone now that she had dumped Kevin?
“Child, you are expensive,” I told my daughter when the associate finished with my purchases. My daughter continued to sleep, sucking on her pacifier.
The woman behind the register chuckled at me. “It only gets worse,” she teased. “Wait until you have to buy prom dresses at three hundred dollars a pop for a dress she will wear one time.”
I didn’t need to hear that. “Thanks.” I sighed at the baby sleeping peacefully in the carrier. I think she really had adjusted well to her mother being gone. Except at night. I needed to figure that one out still.
I slid my credit card through the machine and put the bags in the cart. Then I saw the boxes beneath the cart.
“I’m sorry, I forgot these,” I told the associate.
“No problem. New father. Not getting enough sleep.”
“You got that right,” I replied.
“Just hold one up here so I can scan it for you honey,” she said.
“Trying to run off without paying for the diapers?” Disa teased me.
I held up the diaper box while I glanced over my shoulder at Disa. She had her hair pulled back from her face making her look even younger like she did when I had dated her making me feel more regret than I had been for letting her go.
The rest of her hair cascaded over her shoulder and down her back. Her t-shirt clung to her figure as did her jeans. I hadn’t been with a woman in months. So maybe this wasn’t a good idea to go to lunch with Disa. I was trying to be a gentleman with her especially after the rough kiss up against the bathroom wall at Ike’s.
The taste of her lips was still a memory that I couldn’t shake from my brain even though it was addled by alcohol. I didn’t think I would ever forget how sweet she was, and I was sure she was still innocent. Right now, my focus should be only on Asia. Disa could be my friend. I needed friends, I told myself, but I couldn’t imagine myself being just friends with this woman when I wanted so much more from h
er.
I cleared my throat and swiped my card again while Disa tucked the diaper box beneath the shopping cart. “Thanks,” I said to both the associate behind the register and to Disa.
I tucked my wallet back into my pocket and pushed the cart behind the woman affecting my comfort level. Not good. This gave me a perfect view of her perfect backside.
“Disa, I’m going to drop this stuff off at the truck,” I told her. My voice was froggy. She glanced at me over her shoulder and shrugged at me.
“Sure, want me to get us a table?” She asked, even her voice had a low, sexy quality to it.
“That would be fine.”
I couldn’t back out on her. She wanted to see Asia. I wanted to see her, but I doubted my sanity at spending time with a woman I couldn’t have. I don’t think she would ever forgive me after sleeping with Jasmine.
I went one way towards the parking lot while she headed towards the restaurant. A milkshake and burger shop. The place had an atmosphere like places from long ago when my grandparents used to hang out at restaurants called, Toots and Route 68, a little place on the two-lane road that ran through Brown County. They played good music and had bar food like my dad’s pub.
I dropped everything into the back seat and then pushed Asia in the shopping cart to the cart corral. I lifted her carrier and the diaper bag out of the cart and gave it a shove. Then I headed towards the restaurant. Again, I questioned my sanity about having lunch with Disa based on previous experience with her and my current state of frustration and confusion.
I glanced in the carrier. She was wide awake now and probably getting hungry. “I’ll feed you soon, baby girl,” I told her.
It didn’t take long to get to the restaurant. Soon I wouldn’t have to go to the gym. Not that I had since Asia had come to my house. Lifting her in this carrier was working out my biceps and chest.
Inside, I looked around for Disa. Then I saw her waving to me. I peeked at Asia then I headed towards the woman smiling at me with such sweetness I wanted to lean over and kiss those lips I had tasted just a few days ago.
I didn’t do it. I slid the baby carrier into the booth first then I sat down. I handed Disa the diaper bag. There wasn’t room on my side of the bench for both of us and the diaper bag.
