by Lee Wardlow
I tilted back the cover and I saw Disa lean forward pushing her breasts up as she did. I cleared my throat, so I could speak. “She looks like you,” she observed.
“Yeah,” I replied. I unbuckled Asia and lifted her carefully to my chest.
“You’re good with her, Ben,” she noted.
“You sound shocked.” I patted her back. Her head rested right at my chin. I couldn’t resist. I kissed the softness of her hair. Disa was watching me, taking in my actions, trying to determine how genuine they were.
“Could you make her a bottle?” I asked. “Please,” I added.
“You’re different,” Disa noted.
I was. Asia changed me long before she got here. I glanced down at her. Her face so close to mine. I spent years being a bad boy chasing girls, running away from the woman across the table and the feelings that we had for each other that I didn’t fight for.
I should have told Dad that I was nothing like him when he said I was too young to be falling for Disa. He didn’t want her to get hurt.
As I sat here, looking across the table at her, I was afraid of her even as I wanted her. Afraid of what she made me feel and want because nothing had changed. Dad would still not approve. I had slept with Jasmine, her cousin. That would be the first thing that he would remind me of.
It didn’t help that girls threw themselves at me. I accepted whatever was thrown my way trying to block out the feelings for Disa that I couldn’t escape from. I was cocky and arrogant, but I was careful. I used condoms religiously. I had listened to what Dad said. I had half listened to what Granddad said.
Love like he had with Grammy, I wasn’t sure existed anymore except with girls like Disa Riley. I knew she was honest and caring. She would have been a good woman for me like my Grammy was to Granddad. I had thrown it away by hurting her twice now.
I thought Jasmine was like Disa, but she was like every other girl. She lied to me about her age and maybe about being on birth control and it hurt. No matter what I was before I was with Jasmine, I was always honest with every woman I had slept with and there weren’t as many as the townspeople of Sherwood liked to gossip about.
“I am different,” I agreed.
“What happened?” She asked.
“When did you talk to Jasmine last?” I watched her shake the bottle.
“Could I give it to her?” She asked.
I got up and walked to her side of the booth. I bent over to give her Asia and our eyes met. She had the most amazing, crystal, blue eyes. I had forgotten how beautiful they were when I was this close to them. They were almost colorless with just a hint of blue like a perfect topaz. They were gorgeous. I looked away first and handed her my daughter.
She settled the baby in her arms and stuck the bottle in her mouth. Then she looked at me. “I haven’t talked to her since Asia was born. I got a picture of her, from Danni sent at Jasmine’s request but this is the first time I’ve seen her in person.”
That surprised me. I could see the hurt in Disa’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said unsure of what else to say to her.
“It’s not your fault. Jasmine thought I had something to do with you not coming around her after she told you she was pregnant.”
“What?” I remarked as I slid into the booth.
She nodded. “I didn’t help her try to sway you, so she thought I had something to do with you not being in her life.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Disa.”
She gazed at Asia. “Me too.”
The server came to our table and took our drink order. I knew what I wanted and so did Disa. Of course, she ordered healthy. A grilled chicken club sandwich, no mayo. I ordered a double cheeseburger with everything. I had a cast iron stomach now. Who knew how it would be when Asia was grown, and I had to worry about her being with boys and getting into trouble.
Then we were back to that awkward silence until Disa asked me, “Ben, why Jasmine? What was so special about her?”
I couldn’t tell her that part of Jasmine’s appeal was that she reminded me of her, so I skirted around the obvious. “Her innocence was appealing, but yet she had this free, spirited soul that I loved.”
“Did you love her?” Her eyes were wide and interested, waiting for my response.
“I didn’t. I slept with her and got scared. So, I ran.” I couldn’t tell her that I got scared because of my feelings for her. I couldn’t do that to her or to us. It wasn’t fair. She had been through enough because of me.
“You took Jasmine on dates though. You never date,” she declared. She was right about that. Before Jasmine, Disa was the last person I had dated, six years ago.
I nodded.
“You never date anyone. You sleep with women. Not date them. She’s only been with one other man. I thought the whole thing with me,” she hesitated like it might still hurt that I had broken up with her, “I thought maybe you broke it off with me because of my innocence but that attracted you to Jasmine.” She was confused.
“You work for Dad,” I told her.
Her eyes met mine. I really wanted to grab Asia and run. This conversation was making me twitchy. I never wanted to hurt Disa, but I couldn’t let her know that once, I was falling in love with her as much as she might have been with me.
This would get us nowhere right now. The woman still worked for my dad and I didn’t think that he would like me starting a relationship with her now anymore than he did then. Besides, how could she forgive me for being with her cousin. Someone she was close to.
Disa shook her head at me. Then she took the bottle out of Asia’s mouth and put her up on her shoulder to burp her. She pounded her back much harder than I would. I frowned.
“What Ben?”
“Isn’t that a little hard?” I asked.
Asia let out a burp that could be heard two booths down. The couple sitting there turned and chuckled at us. “Nope, that wasn’t too hard. I babysat children at the compound from the time I was twelve years old. Certified in life saving for infants to toddlers. It would do you good to take a course too.”
I’d keep that in mind.
Janice our server, a regular at Ike’s dropped our drinks on the table. “Your food will be right up.”
“Thanks,” Disa and I said at the same time. She was feeding Asia once again. Focused on her.
The silence between us was thick. Me, I was a straight forward guy. I believed in speaking what was on your mind and clearing the air except in this case I should have known better. Forcing Disa to talk was like walking on a mine field.
“Want to tell me what’s bothering you?” I asked unable to bear the silence any longer.
“What is wrong with me?” Disa asked.
I blinked a few times. Her eyes focused on me like tiny blue lasers. “Wrong with you?” I asked deciding that playing dumb might be my best option for getting out of here unscathed. I never should have broached this topic.
“Don’t play dumb with me, Ben. I know you too well.”
Shit. I rubbed my hands over my face and through my hair which had gotten a little too long. I wasn’t like Elijah. I didn’t want to wear my hair in a ponytail. I don’t think my job would like that either since I held a supervisor position.
“Disa, you work for my dad,” I repeated. “There was nothing wrong with you. You’re gorgeous.” That was an honest statement, but it didn’t make her happy.
She kept her eyes on Asia. “Jasmine accused me of being jealous.”
“Of…” I prodded knowing if it wasn’t smart to delve further into this topic. It wouldn’t do either of us to open these old wounds. I had been doing enough contemplation and regretting that I had lost Disa. She didn’t need to start doing that too.
I could guess what she was jealous of but why would she be jealous after this long? She had dated Kevin Ayers for nearly a year. A year that I waited in anticipation of hearing that she would marry him. That is what usually happened when you were our age and dated that long. Then she broke it of
f.
Slowly, her eyes raised, and she was looking at me. The honesty in them was unnerving. “You and her.” The statement was painful for her to make. If she thought I was going to ask her to expound on that statement I was not. I had asked enough questions.
Rachel raised bright, intelligent Hatfield men who knew when to quit asking dumb questions. This was dangerous territory for us.
Every single day after I walked away from her, I regretted it. Every single day, after my father told me I was just like him. Too young to settle down. After my father informed me that I couldn’t spoil Disa Riley. She was a nice girl. Too nice for me. After that, my womanizing ways only got worse. I was in pain and I wanted to block out that pain.
When I would go to Ike’s with Elijah and Disa was working she was nice to me but aloof. Her flirty smiles were directed at other men. I might have gotten a little jealous, but it was the best for me and my relationship with Dad. It was best for Disa, I told myself. She came with too much baggage. Dad and Rachel Hatfield. Disa went to church with my mother. Sometimes they even set together in the same bench.
She was a nice girl. At that time, I didn’t need a nice girl, I kept telling myself that same lie over and over trying to ease the pain of losing her.
I needed to get my itches scratched, Dad had told me and Disa was too complicated. There were those times when I heard she was seeing someone that the regret was stronger. I felt heartache for the woman that I had lost but I pushed them back and ignored them. The Hatfield brothers were good at that.
“Ben, I’ll be honest, Jasmine was right. I was jealous of her and you, but I didn’t not help her with you because I was jealous. I just didn’t want to get involved. I was hurt. I thought there was something wrong with me. You chose someone who not only looks just like me except has dark hair, she is exactly like me in personality too and I just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.”
I gazed at Disa for a moment. Then I swallowed hard, so she had realized too that my attraction to Jasmine was because of her connection to Disa. I cringed while I gazed across the table at Disa because I could see the hurt in her face. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt your feelings,” I replied.
She lowered her lashes, so I couldn’t see those eyes of hers. Disa’s eyes, I realized were unnerving. “It’s my fault not yours. You can’t help who you like. I just wanted to clear the air. The tension between us since you were with her has been terrible.” Then she looked at me. “Ben, we were close friends once. I’d like that again.” Her voice was soft and enticing. I wanted so much more than friendship from this woman. I almost laughed at her description of us.
“I’d like that too, Disa,” I replied telling that voice in my head to ask her for more to shut the hell up. I couldn’t put us through that again.
“I would like to be a part of Asia’s life. Jazzy and I were close at one time. Why did she leave her? I just don’t understand her leaving her newborn baby.”
I explained what I knew from the letter. Disa frowned at me and I stopped talking. “What now?” I asked knowing something was wrong.
“Ben, her Mom isn’t a drinker. She does have a lot of children. She picks the worst men but Stephen, the father of the twins has been with my aunt for some time. He treats them all very well, including Jasmine. She left home at eighteen not sixteen. She had been on her own for a year when you met her. She was struggling to make ends meet. She had turned her back on her family because she thought they put too much on her, but my aunt was hoping that Jasmine would come around.”
So, she had lied about more shit. I licked my lips contemplating saying something to Disa but decided to just drop it. It didn’t do any good now. It didn’t change the past. I still had Asia and I couldn’t say that I regretted her. I gazed at the child in Disa’s arms and shook my head. I had no regrets at all for the child that I loved only the hurt my relationship with her mother had caused Disa.
“Jasmine got tired of being asked to do chores. Be responsible. My aunt had her hands full with Jasmine that last year before she left home. She knew where Jasmine was and decided maybe tough love would bring her home. I kept an eye on her from distance,” she explained. “So, did the owner of the diner where she worked.”
“What about her father?” I asked.
She shook her head. “I don’t know much about him,” she replied. “I don’t think he lives here anymore.”
“So, everything she said in the letter was a lie?” I asked Disa. My voice was soft and filled with hurt that she had tried to trick me again with the heartfelt letter.
“No, not exactly.” I could see that Disa didn’t want to badmouth Jasmine to me. “My aunt has a lot of kids. She expected Jasmine to help at home. Maybe too much for a teenager?” She suggested. “A teen who wanted to be free and do what she wanted to do but I couldn’t have left my child, no matter how hard I thought my own childhood had been,” she declared.
I was angry at Jasmine for more than leaving Asia but her leaving her had given me the opportunity to get to know my daughter. Disa laid the bottle on the table. She rocked Asia gently back and forth. I leaned on the table and watched.
“Disa, did you know that Jasmine told me she was twenty-five?” I asked.
Her eyes shot up to my face. I could see the surprise. She hadn’t known. “Once you took her out, we hardly talked. When she found out she was pregnant and asked for your number, we didn’t talk at all. She’s just a kid but Ben she said some hurtful things to me. Especially after Asia was born.”
I reached across the table and covered her arm wrapped around Asia. Her eyes went to my hand. I saw the tear that rolled down her cheek and I reached up, wiping it away with just my fingertips. “Hey now, don’t do that.”
Suddenly, Disa got up and handed me Asia. “I can’t do this Ben.”
I stared at her dumbfounded by this change of emotion. She snatched up her purse and took off just as Janice brought us our lunch. She laid mine in front of me and stared at Disa’s chicken as we both watched her exit the restaurant.
“Box that for me, would you?” I laid Asia in her carrier.
“Sure honey.”
Janice turned and walked away with Disa’s plate. I was going to run by Disa’s apartment with her lunch. Hopefully, she would let me in, so we could talk. I glanced at Asia. “Why am I so bothered by her being upset, baby?” I asked my daughter. “It’s been six years, but I can’t seem to forget her.”
Her little legs kicked, and her arms flailed about. She stuck her fist in her mouth because her pacifier was somewhere beneath her.
I dug around until I came up with it. “Yeah, kiddo, we’re doing all right,” I told my daughter. Then I scarfed down that double burger like a starving man.
Chapter 7
I knocked on Disa’s door. I knew she was here because her ancient, Volkswagen bug was parked outside. I waited on her to answer. Asia was getting heavy. I knocked again. “Come on Disa. I know you are in there.”
Finally, she answered the door and stepped back to let me in. “I’m embarrassed,” Disa said.
“Why?” I asked handing her the Styrofoam container.
“Let me get my purse, so I can pay you.” She had taken her hair down; leaving it tousled around her face.
“Don’t,” I told her. “I don’t want your money.” I sat Asia on the floor by my feet and crossed my arms over my chest.
I gazed at Disa, dressed now in baggy shorts that hung low on her curvy hips, same t-shirt from earlier with her hair now down, Disa looked just as pretty.
“Talk to me,” I said.
“Come in.” She waved her hand down the hallway towards the living room. She was inviting me to stay so I was staying.
I followed her down the hallway. Her couch was a sectional. How did she afford it on her income? It wasn’t real, leather but it still had to be six or eight hundred dollars at one of those small, value stores.
I perched on one end and sat Asia at my feet. Disa sat at the other
end putting distance between us and put her container on the coffee table. The woman didn’t have a television or a radio that I could see. How did she amuse herself when she was here?
I glanced around at the minimum of furnishings she had. Just a few paintings, then I noticed the initials in the corner.
Hers.
“You paint?” I questioned her. I guess I had forgotten this from high school.
“I do. My one major expense. The sofa was my grandmother’s. She gave it to me when I moved out of my parent’s home at the compound. It was something that they would never own. Do you remember my grandmother?” She asked.
I did. The woman didn’t belong to the church her parents did and because she refused to join them she didn’t see her grandchildren often. I remember conversations with Disa where she talked about the hurt that caused her.
“It’s the only furniture I have. I sleep on it too.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t sure what to say to that.
“I asked Jasmine to move in with me before she met you, but she wouldn’t. She wanted to maintain her freedom and her privacy. I even told her that she could have the bedroom. It’s empty,” she added pointing down the hall.
She drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. Protecting herself. I had seen Danni do this and I knew that move well. She had no reason to protect herself from me, not again. I wouldn’t hurt her for anything. Seeing her pain, twice was more than enough for me.
I glanced at the painting behind me. The mystic quality of it caught my eye. She had created a realistic fogginess with fireflies that flittered across a night time sky surrounding a dark, colorless pond. She was a fantastic artist.
“I like your work.”
“Thank you,” she replied. “I’m in that painting.”
I turned quickly and looked for her. She was in the corner by the pond, near a rock disguised as a fairy. I stood and looked at her painting closer. There was so much more that was hidden in the depths of this painting that you didn’t see at first glance.
