Ben (The Sherwood Series Book 3)

by Lee Wardlow

  Lying on top of the comforter, sleep was elusive, so I stared at the ceiling. I wondered if Disa would slip out before I woke in the morning? I wanted to see her before she left. I wanted to tell her good morning like we used to do. She had slept in my bed before while I slept on the sofa.

  So long ago. I felt like a baby then compared to now. So much had changed. Yet, she was letting me back in now if only as a friend.

  For now.

  The house was quiet except for the occasional settling noise of the trailer that sat on foundation that we poured ourselves. We had spent a shit ton of money, getting water, electric and gas to the location where we were putting our home. We built the front porch and the back deck ourselves too. Once the gravel was delivered, we complained the entire time about spreading it evenly down the drive.

  Saturday morning with nothing to do was a strange concept for me. I had the baby to take care of but nothing else. Usually Elijah and I would do things together. Men, manly things. Now, I was up to my eyeballs in dirty diapers and bottles.

  Funny how different my path in life was these days. I couldn’t say that I was unhappy about it. Asia had brought about a new perspective for me. She showed me what I was missing and trying, to fill with woman after woman. I needed substance and stability. I needed something I could love that couldn’t be taken from me.

  I crossed my ankles and put my hands behind my head. I still couldn’t sleep. I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. The bold, red letters let me know that it was nearing the time when Asia would wake for her bottle. That three to three thirty feeding was coming soon.

  Mom and Dad had talked to me about going to court to establish full custody of Asia. I didn’t know what to do about that. It felt weird that I had to seek custody of my own child but maybe they were right. Maybe I should do something so that one day, if Jasmine decided to return, she couldn’t just walk in and take her from me, years down the road or three weeks from now.

  It wasn’t that I wouldn’t be reasonable with Jasmine. I would but in just a week I had fallen more in love with my daughter than I had ever thought was possible. I wanted to be sure that Jasmine was reasonable with me too.

  I hated the idea of it. It made me twitchy, but I didn’t see an alternative to ensuring that Asia’s custody was safe with me now that Jasmine was gone. I didn’t even know what my rights were as her father and Rachel pointed that out every morning when I dropped Asia off to her.

  My momma was singing a different tune now that Jasmine was gone and it kind of irritated me to be honest but that was Rachel.

  My daughter started crying. I climbed out of bed and walked right out my door heading towards Elijah’s room. I heard her footsteps behind me. I stopped and turned. There she was only a few steps away. Disa looked sleepy-eyed, and beautiful with her hair tousled and her eyes heavy lidded like she wasn’t quite awake.

  “I thought maybe I could get her, so you could sleep,” Disa said. “You looked so tired at the store yesterday morning.”

  I chuckled. “Seth woke me when he got home. I couldn’t get back to sleep anticipating her waking soon.”

  “Maybe I should go home, then.” She turned like she might leave.

  “No, don’t go,” I said to her surprising myself and Disa.

  I had a feeling about this woman when I was with her. The same one that I had six years ago when we were falling in love.

  That is why I wanted her to stay so badly. I was fighting an internal battle between wanting to stay focused on Asia and wanting to be near Disa. To absorb this feeling of peace when I was with her.

  Disa hesitated then she walked down the hall to me. I put my arm around her shoulders and we headed to the baby’s room. I got Asia out of her bed and changed her diaper then I carried her to my room with Disa right beside me.

  I left Disa with Asia while I went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water, formula and two bottles. One for now and one for the six-a.m. feeding.

  I was half awake and stumbled into my room tripping over my own feet. Disa smiled at me but she wanted to laugh. I handed her the items in my hand and watched as she poured the water into the bottle then mixed the powder in and shook it.

  We leaned against the solid, wood headboard. Disa handed me the bottle and I stuck the nipple near Asia’s mouth. She grabbed it with a greediness that didn’t surprise me. My daughter was a good eater. Disa was cold so she pulled the comforter over her lap and leaned her head on my shoulder, watching Asia like I did.

  “She’s so beautiful, Ben. You make a beautiful little girl,” she teased me. Her voice was soft and low, so she didn’t disturb my daughter.

  I smiled at her. Her face was close to mine as we both looked at Asia. Then Disa glanced up at me. Our eyes locked on each other for a briefest of moments. Just a second where I could read that she wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss her too.

  I moved closer about to kiss her then she looked back at Asia. Avoidance was better for both of us right now. I was disappointed. I breathed in and exhaled, calming my frazzled self.

  Easier, I thought.

  For now.

  I needed to focus on my daughter.

  For now.

  Mom and Dad would still be a road block if I was interested in Disa. They wouldn’t understand, that I had changed. I wanted something different in my life now that I had a daughter who needed more than a father who went from woman to woman looking for something that didn’t exist in one-night stands.

  I glanced at the woman sitting next to me. Looking for something that didn’t exist because I couldn’t find the woman in them that I was looking for. I could never find the woman that was sitting next to me right now until Jasmine, her cousin.

  Woman after woman was easier. Easier to not commit when I was younger and wasn’t ready. Couldn’t have what I wanted, anyway. That way of life became a habit. Became the norm for me. Mom and Dad’s divorce gave me pause for sure. If they couldn’t make it who could? Now Matt and Layla.

  Layla had left Matt for another man. Their dissolution was final, and he had full custody of Justin because Layla was living in Florida with her soon to be second husband. I had heard this from a friend of Layla’s, but Matt didn’t want to know where she was. Or at least, he said he didn’t.

  The Hatfield’s weren’t doing the best in the love department except Elijah. He and Jenny were happy. My other brothers weren’t even looking except Seth. My baby brother had stars in his eyes when it came to romance. He believed in true love. He thought it was out there waiting for him somewhere with the right girl.

  I caught sight of the Disa out of the corner of my eye. She had fallen asleep on my shoulder. Her long hair fell over her shoulder in soft, ringlets. I wanted to touch it like a child tempted by something he knew he shouldn’t have or want. I turned to Asia and checked the bottle. She needed burping, so I sat the bottle between me and Disa and lifted Asia to my shoulder trying to not disturb the women who was asleep on my shoulder.

  She slid down and curled to her side near me then laid her hands beneath her face and went to sleep. I chuckled. I guess she was staying in my bed. After Asia burped I laid her back in my arms and put the bottle back in her mouth. Then I glanced over my daughter’s head at the woman asleep in my bed.

  In high school, she wore, long flowing skirts that hid the beautiful legs she had. A requirement of her religion. Clothes that didn’t accentuate her fine figure. Clothes that didn’t draw attention to her beauty.

  She was curvy in the right places. T-shirts that didn’t show what a beautiful body she had. That didn’t happen in high school. Disa didn’t go to high school football or basketball games. She wasn’t allowed to go to our dances.

  Her long hair was always braided or in a bun. Now, she wore it back from her face sometimes, but rarely wore it braided and never in a bun. She didn’t hide how beautiful her curls were. It wasn’t a sin to hide her beauty. It was a sin to make her feel like she had to.

  When Asia was done with
her bottle. I took her back to her room. She was still awake but not fussing. I kissed her forehead and laid her on her back in the crib. I patted her tummy before I walked out of the room.

  At the door, I looked back at my daughter. I whispered, “I love you baby.” Then I shut the door.

  In my bedroom, Disa still slept on her side looking like the angel she was that was too good for me. I took a breath. I had never just slept with a woman except for her once or twice when we were too tired to be tempted. So many memories were slamming me in the face right now while I stared at her sleeping so peacefully.

  I could go to the living room and sleep on the sofa or I could crawl into bed with this woman and hold her in my arms. The need to be near her was strong. My heart won over my head which was telling me to get my ass to the sofa and sleep there.

  I went to the bed and slid beneath the comforter beside Disa. As if it was the most natural thing in the world to her, Disa curled up next to me. “I’m cold, Ben,” she whispered.

  It was cooler tonight at the end of October, the weather could go either way in fall and October had been a cool month so far. Disa knew exactly where she was and what she wanted.

  “I’ll warm you right up,” I promised her. She laid her head on my chest. Her cheek rested near my heart and her palm laid flat against my sternum. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She snuggled closer to me.

  So much for sleeping tonight, I thought as her body fit with mine. I was wrong.

  Her warmth surrounded me. Comforted me. Soon I was sleeping too with her wrapped around me. Her hair spread over my arm and tickled my face during the night. Shit, I didn’t care. I had Disa in my arms.

  That hair is what woke me in the morning not Asia who usually cried by seven a.m. Disa stirred. She realized where she was. Her foot moved up and down my bare, hairy, leg. She moaned. I almost did. Then she rolled to her back.

  She peeked at me from beneath those thick lashes with a sleepy-eyed look. She grinned sheepishly at me. “Good morning,” she said.

  “Morning,” I replied. The huskiness of my voice didn’t hide the need I was feeling.

  She was so close to me that I could smell her scent like honeysuckle. It reminded me of the flowers behind Granddad’s farmhouse. She always smelled sweet or like flowers. I closed my eyes for a second and inhaled her. I wanted to imprint her scent on my brain in case I didn’t get this opportunity again.

  That’s when Asia let out her usual, I’m up and ready for a diaper change and a bottle, cry. “Let me get her,” Disa suggested.

  I opened my eyes. I stared into hers. I wanted to move to get my daughter. My thoughts were running rampant. I wanted to roll this woman to her back and make love to her. I wanted to show Disa Riley what she was missing. The blood from my brain went straight to my cock.

  Probably a good idea she was moving to get Asia because right now, I needed a moment to calm down. I bent my leg to cover the obvious need I was feeling. Some of it was plain and simple, morning wood and some of it was desire for the woman who slid out of my arms and headed for the bedroom door to get Asia.

  I wanted her.

  It wasn’t possible, I told myself.

  But I wanted her my body told me even if my head kept saying that it was a bad idea.

  She was still off limits as far as Dad and Rachel were concerned.

  I told myself it was because I hadn’t been with anyone for a long time, but I wasn’t so sure about that anymore. She had always had this effect on me. I had wanted her six years ago and I was pretty sure her description of us then was accurate. We were falling in love. I had damn well loved her.

  I had backed away because Dad wanted me to. Now? I wasn’t sure that I wanted to again. How many times does a man get the opportunity with a woman like Disa Riley before she gives up on him. Had she already given up on me because of Jasmine? That was the question.

  She couldn’t be mine without incurring the wrath of Rachel and Dad would be standing behind her with his arms folded, glaring at me as he at the bar when he saw how interested I was in her, but the other woman was flirting with me. He thought I was flirting back. I wasn’t. I was being friendly but not flirting.

  Why had I believed that I was like him? Because I was young and stupid. Because I was afraid of the growing feelings that I had for this woman then and now.

  She was special. The intensity of my feelings for her were frightening. I was only twenty-two at the time. I believed Dad because I felt that I didn’t really deserve Disa Riley. She was too good for me then…and now.

  Disa returned to the bedroom cooing at Asia. She slipped onto the bed beside me. I glanced at her, marveling at her comfort with me considering how innocent she was supposed to be.

  Her eyes were focused on my girl. “If you need a sitter, I’d be glad to help you,” Disa informed me.

  Wonderful. She was thinking about my child while I was thinking about how to get the woman naked and in my bed. I glanced at her nodded.

  If I was honest, that wasn’t all I wanted from her and it scared me. She was sweet. She had a little temper when poked. A guest at the bar had learned the hard way not to poke the bear too hard.

  She wasn’t as tall as Danni, but she wasn’t short. This man was six foot even and Disa decked him with a solid right hook for patting her butt one too many times. I was there that night. Come to think of it, I almost did it for her.

  She gazed at me for a moment then she looked back at Asia. Then her eyes, those damn eyes of hers were looking at me, looking at her. “What?” She asked. I was making her uncomfortable.

  “Nothing,” I declared. I had to stop this. I had to stop this now or I was going to do something stupid like declare my love for her and we hadn’t even gone on a damn date in six years. She would think I was crazy. “I’ll go to the bathroom then get Asia a bottle.”

  I climbed out of bed. I heard her protest about the bottle. I had water sitting right there on the nightstand next to me. I had gotten it when I got up at three in the morning.

  There was a fresh bottle too, but I was already heading towards the bathroom to get the hell out of the room and away from her. I needed to clear my head for a moment before I said something ridiculous like I love you, Disa. I never stopped as a matter of fact.

  I shut the door behind me and went to the sink where I turned on the cold water and splashed myself in the face several times, but it didn’t do me any good.

  I gazed at the man in the mirror and hardly recognized him. My hair was nothing like it usually was. I always had a tight haircut but right now it was an unruly mess.

  My beard was always neat if I had one. I ran my hand over my face and watched a droplet of water run down my cheek and plop into the basin.

  I couldn’t hide in here forever. I did my business washed my hands and looked in the mirror again. All I could see was me and how I thought I looked with Disa wrapped around me in my bed. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, inhaling a deep breath of air to clear my head as much as my lungs.

  Then I opened the door and headed towards the kitchen but Disa stopped me. “I already fixed a bottle for Asia,” she called to me.

  “Oh, okay,” I responded then headed back to my room where she was sitting in my bed fully clothed, holding my daughter. She was anything but a temptress, but she was tempting the shit out of me as if she were undressed and beckoning me. Disa’s eyes met mine over Asia. “I know you pretty well, Ben. What’s going on inside that head of yours?”

  I slid back into bed beside her. “Nothing,” I replied. I gazed at Asia who was sucking down that bottle pretty, quickly. I ran my hand over her head watching the soft hair fall back into place. She had my hair, I think. Jasmine’s was curly, like Disa’s.

  I glanced out of the corner of my eye at Disa. I touched a curl hanging near me and let the piece of hair slip through my fingertips. It was soft like I remembered. I had always played with her hair when we were together before.

  She was that close to me sti
ll. I could breathe in her scent. I could turn my head and feel the softness of her shoulder with a tender kiss beneath my lips.

  I leaned on my bent leg and watched Disa slip the bottle out of Asia’s mouth. I had to put these thoughts out of my head. She checked the number of ounces with care and put Asia over her shoulder to burp her. Then she patted her back. I turned my head away.

  “Are you sure, you don’t want to talk about what is going on?” She asked.

  “I’m fine,” I replied glancing at her then away once again. “I was going to take Asia to the park today if the weather holds out. Just to walk around and get some fresh air,” I explained.

  She chuckled at me. “Are you inviting me along?”

  “I am. I’m enjoying having company besides Seth. I haven’t gotten out much in the last week.”

  “Wow could be any more enthusiastic, Benjamin?” I glanced at her.

  I realized that I hadn’t really offended her, but my invitation wasn’t too inviting either. “I’ve missed this easiness, Disa. We always had it until we didn’t,” I explained. I didn’t want to bring up Jasmine’s name, so I left it alone with just that vague statement, but she knew. That’s when our relationship went to the dogs when I took her cousin out and slept with her. That’s when I hurt her once again.

  “I know,” she replied lowering her eyes. “That was my fault for getting my nose out of joint when you made it clear that you didn’t want me, when you broke it off.” Her voice held no reproach only honesty.

  I was thinking Jasmine. She was thinking six years ago. I frowned. Then, I turned my head towards Disa. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you Disa, because I did. Dad didn’t like me being interested in you. He was concerned for you. Afraid that I would hurt you.”

  She stopped patting Asia’s back and stared at me. “You were a grown man, you could have made up your own mind,” she informed me. I could hear the hint of irritation in her tone.

  I huffed at Disa. “And incur the wrath of Rachel. “I still lived at home then. Elijah and I moved out a year later which made our mother very happy,” I added.