by Jiz Lee
PRAISE FOR COMING OUT LIKE A PORN STAR
“We all have secrets, alter egos, and live double lives. Coming Out Like a Porn Star is an incredibly rich and moving narrative of an experience we can all relate to. We can learn something from all of the authors.”—Belle Knox, ‘Duke Porn Star’
“This revealing, moving, and often surprising collection lets you go deep inside the lives of generations of porn stars and explicit performers. It’s an absolute must-read for anyone interested in sex industry politics, sex-positive culture, and porn studies–– and for anyone whose friend, lover, or family member has taken their pants off in front of a camera. One after the other, these memoirs add up to a powerful, if ironic, conclusion: Porn stigma is the biggest problem many adult performers face, and it is at least as likely to come from our feminist moms as from prudish conservatives. Once you’ve heard the clear, articulate voices of these porn stars, you’ll never look at a sex movie, or the people who make it happen, the same way again.”—Carol Queen, PhD Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture
“A one-of-a-kind collection with perspectives from a terrific mix of adult entertainment professionals, Coming Out Like a Porn Star is a timely, insightful read that will change perceptions about an industry so often misunderstood.”—Dan Miller, XBIZ™
“Jiz Lee has spearheaded a compelling and heartfelt collection—one that engages wider society’s fascination with porn performers in order to humanize, edify, and enlighten.”—Dr. Chauntelle Tibbals, Author of Exposure: A Sociologist Explores Sex, Society, and Adult Entertainment
“Intimates the fascinating story of adult performers who’ve ‘come out’.”—Jayme Waxman, Playgirl Magazine June 2015
“Frank and decidedly humorous, this collection takes the stereotypical narrative of what it means to be a porn star and puts it out of its misery. Without a doubt, this is the most honest, diverse, and innately human take on the art form we call porn I’ve ever read. Stories like these have the power to change minds, shatter conventions, and completely reframe the entire genre of porn.”—Jerome Stuart Nichols, sex & wellness coach, creator of LTASEX.com
“Coming out is never a straightforward process. Lee’s collection of essays offers a nuanced, heartfelt, and incredibly honest look at what it means to come to terms with a highly public, incredibly sexual identity within the bounds of one’s private life.”—Lux Alptraum, former editor/publisher, Fleshbot.com
“Finally—a collection of essays bold enough to embrace—and express—the complexities and contradictions of performing sex. With uncompromising thought and lucid prose, Lee and fellow contributors rewrite the public record.”—Nichi Hodgson, author of Bound To You
“A manifesto, a reclamation by Lee of the role of porn as a positive artistic form.”—Rachel Kramer Bussel, Salon.com
“Coming Out Like a Porn Star fundamentally changes the cultural conversation about porn performers. Never before have adult performers been given the space to talk about coming to terms with what they’re doing with their bodies, their careers, and their lives. It is in this space that we find out they’re neither victim nor villain; instead we encounter people whose inner strength and thoughtful, well-articulated sense of self can teach us a thing or two about how we can better relate to our loved ones, ourselves, and society at large.”—Violet Blue, journalist and author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Privacy
COMING OUT
LIKE A PORN STAR
ESSAYS ON PORNOGRAPHY,
PROTECTION, AND PRIVACY
Edited by Jiz Lee
Foreword by Dr. Mireille Miller-Young
ThreeL Media | Berkeley
Published by
ThreeL Media | Stone Bridge Press
P. O. Box 8208, Berkeley, CA 94707
www.threelmedia.com
© 2015 Jiz Lee
Cover design by Jamee Baier. Illustration based on photography credited to:
Courtney Trouble, Jiz Lee, Karma Pervs.
Book design and layout by Linda Ronan.
Copy Edited by Lauren Manoy.
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher.
Republishing permissions: Some stories in this collection were previously published and are reprinted with permission. “Liabilities and My Mother” by Ashley Blue appeared in GIRLVERT (Rare Birds Press). Jesse Jackman’s “Hi Mom, I’m a Porn Star” originally appeared in Huffington Post. Jackman’s essay “Job Security” originally appeared on his blog at JessieJackmanXX.com. “How They React” by Zak Sabbath appeared in We Did Porn (Tin House Books).
CONTENTS
Foreword by Dr. Mireille Miller-Young
How to Come Out Like a Porn Star: An Introduction Jiz Lee
Winning at Porn: My Parents’ Opinions Still Matter AliceInBondageLand
Out or Bust Andre Shakti
Coping with Showing Your Junk for a Living Anna Cherry
The Luxury of Coming Out Annie Sprinkle
Hiding in Plain Sight Anonymous
Please Don’t Publish This with My Name Anonymous
Perpetual Coming Out Bella Vendetta
Even Someone Like Me: How I Came Out as a Smut Starlet Betty Blac
The Call Candida Royalle
Shark’s Teeth Casey Calvert
My Second Coming Out Chelsea Poe
Only Silence Chris Lowrance
Coming Out to My Parents about Sex Work Christopher Zeischegg
Changing the World through Sex Cindy Gallop
Porn Changed Everything Cinnamon Maxxine
From Opera Conductor to Porn Producer Colin Rowntree
The Name of Your First Pet and the Street You Grew Up On Conner Habib
Daddy Issues Courtney Trouble
The Mechanism of Disappearing to Survive Cyd Nova
Little Data Dale Cooper
I Always Wanted to Be a Porn Star Denali Winter
Coming Out Again (and Again) Drew DeVeaux
Like Getting Kicked in the Gut D. R.
What’s in a Name? Edward Lapple
Mom, Are the People in Your Films Always Naked? Erika Lust
On Coming In Gala Vanting
Coming Out While Trans Emma Claire
Coming Home Harley Hex
Concealment Hayley Fingersmith
What Is Best for Them Today Jaffe Ryder
Coming Out about Porn from Inside Oppression Ignacio Rivera, a.k.a. Papí Coxxx
Orange Is the New Jack Jack HammerXL
Porn Witness Protection Program Jackie Strano
Blood and Butter James Darling
Job Security Jesse Jackman
Mom, I’m a Porn Star Jesse Jackman
Porn Made Me Like My Parents Joanna Angel
Branded: The Precarious Dance between Porn and Privacy Kitty Stryker
This Is Who I Am Lily Cade
Why I Love Hickies and Queer Crip Porn Loree Erickson
Naming Lorelei Lee
Hot Pink Handbag and Other Garish Things That Cry Out, “Take Me!” Lyric Seal
Reveal All, Fear Nothing: Raising a Feminist Madison Young
Queen Beloved Milcah Halili Orbacedo
So, What Is It You Do, Exactly? Ms. Naughty
Culture Clash Nina Hartley
Happy to Be Excluded Nikki Silver
Liabilities and My Mother Orianna Small, a.k.a. Ashley Blue
Against the Grain: Coming Out to My Parents Phoenix Askani
Hardcore Dykecore Shar Rednour
Noooooooodie Girl Stoya
Exhibitionists and Exposure Tina Horn
Familial Feminisms Tobi Hill-Meyer
Do You Have What It Takes? Verta
&nbs
p; Coming Hard, Coming Out: Privacy, Exhibitionism, and Running for Parliament Zahra Stardust
How They React Zak Sabbath
FOREWORD
Dr. Mireille Miller-Young
Dr. Mireille Miller-Young is associate professor of feminist studies at the University of California, Santa Barbara. She is the coeditor of The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure, and the author of A Taste for Brown Sugar: Black Women in Pornography.
What does it mean to come out? Where do we come from, and at what place do we arrive? Coming out has been one of the central issues for the gay rights movement. The idea of “coming out of the shadows” became a rallying point for gays, lesbians, transvestites, and transgender folks in the 1960s who were fed up with the oppression of silence, denial, police raids, violence, and discriminatory laws that shaped their everyday lives. The famous Stonewall Riots of 1969, and other lesser known uprisings like the one at Compton Cafeteria 1966 in San Francisco’s Tenderloin, marked the mounting awareness and activism of a new generation of queer people who did not wish or were not able to keep their sexual and gender identities and expressions “in the closet.” They bravely defied abuse by eschewing the tactics previous generations of queer people employed to survive harassment. They became radical, outspoken advocates for the right to be “out and proud,” and used their visibility—whether chosen or forced—to build a movement that would change the face of the nation.
Nowadays, in the age of colorblindness that refuses to acknowledge the abuse of our racial caste system, we also face the unwillingness to see sexual hierarchies and sexualized violence, which are endemic to our society. Here, I do not intend to draw an equivalency between racism, sexism, and homophobic repression, or the movements to end them, but to say that these oppressive forces overlap and intersect in important ways. We do not see the absolutely vital ways that sexual difference matters, the abiding injustice of sexual criminalization, or the everyday struggles of sexual minorities, and how all of these function alongside and through race, gender, ability, age, and citizenship status. But some of us are pulling back the blinders and claiming visibility as a tactic for gaining freedom. That is the story of Coming Out Like a Porn Star. The authors in this volume are, like their brave foreparents, coming out about their participation in one of the most vilified industries on the planet: porn.
In some ways the porn industry is viewed as more evil than Big Oil, Big Tobacco, or Big Pharma. The porn industry is not simply seen as an agent of rapacious greed that destroys our health and our environment. Porn is perceived as the cause of our modern cultural decline, the trafficker of thousands of innocent women and girls, and the purveyor of a rampant and misogynist prurience that is infecting the minds our youth. The sex panic around porn is, of course, convenient. It distracts from the more complex questions of what kind of sexual morality should be embraced in today’s democratic nations, why so many people choose to work in the sex industry instead of more acceptable arenas for labor, and how exactly youth come to gain an education about sex and sexuality in the age of abstinence-only instruction and the repeal of legal and monetary support for comprehensive sexual health resources and information.
This book is so valuable, right here and right now, precisely because of these large-scale battles over sexual access and rights taking place. It intervenes in the sex panic about porn by giving voice to the industry’s workers. Carving through the problematic misrepresentations of porn workers as dupes complicit in their own exploitation, these voices expose how the heavy stigma of porn affects the performers’ everyday lives, choices, and aspirations. The disgust and debasement lobbied at porn filters down to its workers. These voices sound off about the painful ways that porn performance can lead to estrangement from one’s family and friends. Porn actors find that negotiating the potential disappointment and dismissal of loved ones is one of the most difficult aspects of the job. Facing the wrath or dismissal of employers and colleagues in the “straight” employment sector, outside of the sex industry, porn workers who come out put at risk current and future careers. They constantly face the question: to come out or not to come out?
Coming out as a porn star has critical consequences for one’s relationships, one’s sense of self and integrity, and one’s livelihood and social mobility. Coming out means risking everything. Coming out is hard. I applaud the authors in this volume for speaking so honestly and eloquently about their decisions to come out or not to come out. They are both aware of the privilege of being able to come out—as opposed to street-based sex workers who we might say do not have that option—and the profound injustice of needing to decide whether to come out when this is not something that workers in other industries have to face. Lawyers do not have to come out, nor do tax agents, or those in any other reviled professions. Sex work is one of the only professions where workers must choose whether to admit their status, and if they do, are potentially subject to merciless harassment and stalking, the release of their personal data online, the loss of custody of their children, and the foreclosure of opportunities for other kinds of work.
Given these stakes, most porn workers choose discretion in their work. Some find power in their anonymity and invisibility, while others feel that their race or embodiment already mark them in ways that put them at risk of violence, hostility, and misrepresentation. Still others believe that we must transform larger ideological and social structures that present porn as shameful and dirty before we can ask its most vulnerable workers to subject themselves to harm by coming out. Yet a growing number find that coming out is a kind of rebellion, an extension of the insurgent attitudes many sex workers already hold towards conservative sexual norms, expectations, and regulations. They challenge the notion that porn labor is bad and should be hidden, and instead insist on openness, pride, and vocal resistance to the status quo.
Grappling with these choices and consequences, the authors of this book show the courage and resilience of porn’s stars, and their deep political awareness. We must listen to their voices and learn from the experts. So, here for your reading pleasure, Coming Out Like a Porn Star, which is to say, with audacity, artfulness, wit, and warmth.
Mireille Miller-Young
Santa Barbara, June 2015
HOW TO COME OUT LIKE A PORN STAR: AN INTRODUCTION
Jiz Lee
Jiz Lee has worked in porn for over ten years, in more than 200 projects from six countries spanning independent, queer, and hardcore gonzo pornography. They are the recipient of multiple AVN and XBiz Award industry nominations and Feminist Porn Awards, and were featured as one of the inaugural honorees of The Trans 100. Jiz presented most recently at Princeton University, the American Studies Association Conference, and Wonderlust Helsinki (awarded by the Finnish Association for Sexology). They’ve been on MSNBC, Fox News, and proudly, Lifehacker. Jiz works behind the scenes at Pink & White Productions (CrashPadSeries. com, PinkLabel.tv) and fundraises for LGBTQ and sex worker-focused organizations through their erotic philanthropic art project, Karma Pervs. Their writing appears at JizLee.com and in the pages of The Feminist Porn Book, Genderqueer, and Best Sex Writing, among others. They are also the coeditor of the Porn Studies Journal Special Issue: Porn and Labour. When not working in porn, Jiz is training for an IRONMAN 70.3.
It all started with one ignored phone call from my dad.
You see, I’m a terrible liar and answering his phone call meant having to explain why I was across the world in Berlin. (Porn. I was there doing porn.) I let his call go to voicemail and slumped down on the ground. This wasn’t one of those moments where I avoided a phone call because I was either too busy or just not in the mood to talk; that one, single act represented something much more profound and problematic. Jetlagged and defeated, I sat there on the floor, haunted with the realization that I was going to have to finally come out to my family about my other life in porn. How does one even begin to do that?
Coming Out Like a Porn Star started from the personal question
s I asked fellow porn performers as I struggled with the reality of telling my family about my increasing involvement in the adult industry. Were others out to their parents? How did they talk about it to their siblings? What could I learn from their experiences? In asking the questions, I’d hit a nerve. Everyone had a story to tell. Some were heartbreaking, others casual. Some surprised and inspired me. Stories ranged from funny to fucked up. They taught me about stigma. They revealed privilege. Gave me relief. Made me furious. They encouraged my own process of coming out. Through their examples, I found myself more prepared.
I realized this topic was bigger than just myself. Sharing our coming out stories might not only help other performers like myself, but may also help people outside the industry relate to us, humanizing our experiences. What these stories have in common is their honesty. I saw them each as truths that existed far beyond the narrow moralistic debate of whether or not porn could be feminist or ethical, good or bad. The stories ran the gamut, embodying the very essence of the grey area we all exist within. The details varied differently, but each story revealed what I had long suspected: although society may think of porn performers as some sort of “damaged enemy against the moralistic good,” it is actually the stigma from having performed that proves to do the greatest harm and is our largest obstacle. If we are to overcome these cultural roadblocks and gain rights for sex workers, it is precedent that we create a dialogue that stands firmly on the fact that people who chose to perform in porn are no different than anyone else. If all people are to achieve universal sexual, gender, and reproductive freedoms, it will be through the undoing of the very same stigmas, the sex shaming and victimization, that is found in porn and sex work at large. Hearing the stories from people I admired and respected gave me the strength to begin talking to my family and trying to undo stigmas of my own.
I had been performing in adult videos since 2005, but being in a “niche” queer porn genre, I’d dabbled through the early years in relative obscurity without feeling like I particularly needed to tell my family anything. Unless they actively sought it or a friend let something slip on Facebook, their chance of coming across me was virtually nil. As my career grew, so were the chances of them stumbling across my photo in a news article. This hobby of mine was getting serious, and so was the very real possibility of being outed to my family.
