by S. K Munt
Then another day would pass and a letter wouldn’t come from Martya, and I’d go to the main bathroom which was rarely ever used and brush my teeth alone, trying to think of a letter to write to Kohén to express all I was feeling, that I wouldn’t mind being read by the royal official who checked our mail.
In the end, I couldn’t think of one thing to say that wouldn’t get me banished, so I studied until I was too tired to think, practiced dance until I was too tired to move and fell asleep, too exhausted by being a third-born to dream.
23.
We received word halfway through March that Kohén was due to return home in two weeks, and the girls in my dorm promptly lost their minds. Mercifully for me, he’d been gone for Emmerly’s sixteenth birthday, and since Rayleigh had left us too, no one else would be eligible to be taken into the harem until I turned sixteen, which was a fact that I was dreading and thankful for in equal measures. On one hand, people would start whispering about me and my appalling looks when I continued to get about without so much as a golden hairpin after Kohén’s birthday to show for his debasements, but at least I wouldn’t have to see the evidence of his dalliances on anyone but Emmerly until Lette turned sixteen in July. And that was only if the girls succeeded in their seductions, which I continued to pray would fail and serve to keep my faith in my friend intact.
But I had no way of knowing if he had changed his mind about sleeping with Emmerly because I hadn’t written back to Kohén yet, or heard from him again. I felt the absence of our friendship like a hole in my chest, and because I hadn’t heard from Martya either, or allowed myself to dwell on what Kohén had almost said in his last letter well, curiosity was killing this third-born cat from the inside out. Did Kohén have feelings for me? Was Martya all right? What had happened between mother and Jaiya to cause a separation, and how was Finch faring, because he had not written to me in months!
To counteract my anxiety, I started training more and more and when I grew tired of the automated running machine in the gymnasium, took to circling the palace grounds in the early mornings and evenings to sweat out my apprehension. But it was on one of these early morning runs that I happened across yet another jagged crack in God’s great design. Our maid, Lindy, on her hands and knees behind some shrubbery at the furthest corner of the grounds, vomiting repeatedly while Coaxley held back his wife’s hair.
‘It’s okay, my love…’ the guard whispered, wiping Lindy’s fevered brow. ‘It’s okay…’
‘It’s not okay!’ she gasped, steadying herself with her hands in the soil and spitting into the mess she’d already purged from within her bulky frame. Tear tracks ran down her flushed face. ‘Nothing will ever be okay again!’
‘There there…’ Coaxley whispered. ‘You had this with the other two dear and they turned out all right. In a week or so this phase will run its course and then-’
‘And then I’ll be able to feel my broken heart more than my illness, yes, I’m aware…’
‘Oh God!’ I came to a halt at the foot of the hedge and cupped my hand over my mouth. Had I just heard that right? Was Lindy pregnant for a third time?
‘Oh no!’ Lindy was a big woman but she got to her feet quickly. ‘Lark! What are you doing out here?’
‘Larkin!’ All of the blood drained from Coaxley’s face when he saw me and ever the guard, he stepped between his wife and I protectively. ‘Go inside, now! My wife is ill and-’
‘You’re having a third baby?’ My eyes filled with tears. ‘How could you do this to yourselves? Do you have any idea what…?’ My voice broke off and I turned away and stuffed my fist into my teeth so that I could bite down on it as memories of my own cold childhood flashed before my eyes. ‘They fire castle staff for breaking rules like that, don’t they?’
‘It was an accident…’ Coaxley croaked, looking defeated to realise that I saw the truth behind what he was trying to hide. ‘She was on medication for her back and apparently it rendered the elixir useless….’ I heard him shuffle towards me on the grass. ‘Larkin, please. I know you must think of us as abominable people right now but if you tell anyone…’
I whipped back to face him. ‘You think I’d do that?’
He frowned at me. ‘It’s your obligation, and I feel terrible for begging you to keep it to yourself but-’
‘Then don’t beg, just know that I’d never tell a soul,’ I said, stepping closer to him and wiping the misty rain and sweat out of my eyes. ‘But what are you going to do about the baby? And your jobs?’
‘We’re going to keep it,’ Coaxley said sharply, his eyes darkening with a defiance that I knew wasn’t meant for me. ‘I have a sister on a farm in Janiel who has agreed to adopt it.’
‘Seriously?’ I demanded, relieved by his desire to protect his child while already doubting his ability to do so. ‘How are you going to get a baby across Calliel without anyone noticing? Or grow it between now and then without the duchess firing you on the spot?’
‘I’ve almost finished my first trimester, and no one has noticed yet, except for you,’ Lindy said, pushing off from the ground and rising unsteadily to her feet before patting her stomach. ‘And I won’t show if I’m careful-I never have before on account of how big I am.’ She grimaced a smile at me. ‘And then when it gets close to the due date in September, I’ll put in for the right to visit my sister. I haven’t taken leave in two years, so they’re bound to grant me some time off.’
‘But only if no one finds out before then,’ Coaxley said, shouldering his gun and stepping towards me with an anxious expression on his handsome face. ‘Please…’
‘You have my word to keep your secret, and don’t offend me by implying that I’d let slip to another soul,’ I said firmly.
‘Thank you Larkin,’ Coaxley stepped forward and wrapped me in a tight bear hug. ‘I always knew you were special!’
I groaned when he squeezed me too tight, but struggled to take a big whiff of his sweaty, fatherly scent before struggling free. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, no one with a heart would turn you in.’
‘Ha!’ Coaxley said, but didn’t elaborate.
I pulled back and gripped his elbows, giving him a firm look. ‘I respect what you guys are trying to do for the sake of the child, but I’d feel better if Lindy tried to leave sooner, rather than later. Can’t you transfer to another kingdom, like Yael?’
‘We’d never have a transfer approved, because my gorgeous husband here is the duchess’s favourite guard,’ Lindy said sadly, stepping into her husband’s side and allowing him to enfold her in a hug. ‘Besides, I need this job and the accommodation that comes with it. If I go somewhere else, I may be employed as a maid but getting a live-in position with two daughters and a husband is almost impossible. Besides, I need every cent I can save if we’re going to buy the fake papers we’re going to have to hand my sister in order to explain the baby’s appearance.’
‘Besides, it would look suspicious if she up and left after twelve weeks of being unwell,’ Coaxley said, kissing his wife’s sweaty forehead. ‘So we’ll wait for mid-August, and pray that her leave is granted and that it’s time enough for her to get away from here and give birth.’
‘And if not?’ I asked, almost afraid of the answer.
Lindy and Coaxley smiled at each other sadly. ‘We run,’ she whispered before turning to me to add: ‘Or in my case, waddle.’
My heart sank at the very idea of it and I silently vowed to do whatever I could do to help them. But I wasn’t sure if that would amount to anything and I didn’t want to give them false hope, so I wished them good luck, promised one final time that I would guard the secret with my life and then jogged back to the palace before Kelia could come out looking for me, because Kelia had proved more than once that secret-keeping was her greatest weakness.
*
When I returned to the kingdom, I knew that I was still far too flushed and distracted for my mood to go unnoticed and so I let myself into the west wing, deciding to cool down with a dip in the
pool, which was always empty at dinnertime. I avoided the south wing and the people streaming into the doors that were going to listen to a band in the ballroom (the king had started putting on a roast feast with live entertainment every Sunday night to squash the rumours that the locust plagues were crippling our food supply) and headed directly into the north wing. The gymnasium was dark and deserted which suited me perfectly, and as soon as I’d navigated a path across the room without banging my head on a weight or kicking a steel frame, I ducked into the female change room at the back and turned on the interior light, shivering from the cold combined with lingering shock over Coaxley and Lindy’s predicament. What could I do to help? Get them some money somehow? Ask Kohén for advice without giving them away? It was tempting to do so of course, because we’d always been confidantes, but I disregarded that idea as soon as I recalled the way he’d screamed at me about my third-born status under our hemlock that last night that I’d seen him, as though he hadn’t been spared that same status by a mere eleven minutes!
All of us Given girls had access to the health facility but so far, I was the only one who actually opted to use it in her free time and so I had my own locker with my own swimsuit, towel, goggles and flip flops waiting for me. I’d taken swimming lessons right through the previous summer and fall, but the solar panels that usually kept it heated during the warmer months had been in disrepair since we’d had a wild blizzard mid-winter, and had not been fixed since, leaving the pool too cold for anyone to swim in, even me- and I almost never felt the cold!
It was spring now so it should have been warmer than it had been, but it had also been drizzling rain for weeks from overcast skies, so twenty seconds was probably all I was going to need in the pool, before the freezing water would turn my cold sweat into a chill bumps and numb my fear and panic.
My swimsuit was a simple white maillot with one shoulder which was cut in an athletic way across the very upper thighs and though it was skin-tight and revealed more of my shape than I usually allowed, it served to hold me in place while I did laps without riding into uncomfortable areas, as the Companions skimpy swimsuits did. Once it was on, I began to unravel my braid and it was like trying to detangle a spider’s web, for my hair was still damp and sticking together from the rain. When I hit a particularly large snarl, I turned to reach for a brush, but almost yelped when I saw the reflection of a girl in the mirror on the other side of the room. At first, I thought that some stranger had snuck in behind me but when I pressed my hand to my chest, the girl in the mirror did too and I immediately began to tremble again.
I was looking at myself, and I didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me at all.
Frozen to the spot in shock, I stared back at myself for a long moment, taking in how much I’d changed since I’d worn my swimsuit last with a racing heart. It was too tight for me now and though I’d felt that when I’d struggled to get into it, seeing it was another matter entirely- one that made my face flush. I’d grown both upwards and outwards, so the stretchy fabric was binding me and pressing my breasts in uncomfortably, making them appear huge.
Is that why my undergarments have been so uncomfortable lately? Oh my gosh! They’re...
I swallowed, turned to the side and lifted an eyebrow when I saw how golden my skin had become after having spent the month in the gardens. Martya was right! Once I’d been the very definition of the word pale but now, well, I was anything but!
I couldn’t believe that I had changed so drastically without noticing! Our Given clothes were all the draped sort, silk with empire waists and high necklines, and our sleeping clothes were equally loose, and had been designed that way to keep up the pretence of us being ladies, so it was hard for us to show off our bodies without the help of push-up bras and corsets, which Emmerly and Elfin had been wearing religiously under their virginal day dresses since they had turned fourteen, making their budding cleavage as obvious as possible. And now that Emmerly had been given the one-shoulder dress to wear like the other Companions, it was impossible not to notice how she had filled out, or Elfin’s envious gaze when her former best friend sashayed past us with swinging hips on her way ‘home’ to the north wing.
We were all changing, and fast, yes, but I’d been so exhausted from my training and preoccupied by my worries, that I hadn’t even noticed the changes in my own figure during my showers. The other girls had been discussing their physical changes when they dressed for the day and making comparisons- but I’d always been too shy to change in front of anyone, even Kelia, and I never stood naked in front of a mirror so none of them had noticed either. In fact, I had been avoiding my reflection completely since the night that Kohén had called me a corpse.
But things had changed without me having to monitor them, and drastically. And to my complete horror, I now saw that I looked… good? Better than good, perhaps? When had I gotten so tall? When had my hair grown long enough to brush the top of my thighs? Where was Larkin?
And most importantly, how could I stop everyone from noticing it or discussing it? If Emmerly learned that my breasts were now twice the size of hers, she’d find some way to make me feel worse about it than I already did! Elfin and Kelia were the ones who threatened her now, and Satan help me but I liked it that way because I liked being invisible. Maybe Elfin would have bragged in my position but I was not looking to be the subject of envy in our dormer, no way. That got a girl spiders in her sheets for her trouble!
When I was changed, I left the cabana and walked out into the pool room, feeling so many complex emotions that my breathing was laboured from the effort of just trying to think. I couldn’t get over how alien I now looked, and I couldn’t shake the way that Kohén’s final letter had made me feel. Hopeful. Loved… wanted? Would that desire that I had sensed in his kiss increase if he caught sight of me in a get up like this? I shuddered and vowed to get Lindy to sew me a more modest suit or failing that, never swim again, at least in front of other people.
I didn’t pretend… did you? I didn’t pretend… did you?
The poolroom was as idyllic as every other facet of the castle- the water a cerulean blue like Kohén’s eyes, with underwater lights that changed the hue of it in the evenings. A glass ceiling rose high above my head, letting light in to warm the water as much as possible as it did in the throne room, and the pool itself was oddly-shaped, and in places, tucked in to form little crevasses and nooks beneath waterfalls which flowed from boulders rife with foliage.
Half of the pool was inside the castle, but the other half oozed out into the courtyard behind it beneath one large man-made waterfall, so that summer swimmers could enjoy the natural climate when it was warm. And of course, the mural of St Miguel Barachiel’s Redemption made even the walls look as spectacular as the water did. The paint curved with the ceiling, decorating the panels around the skylights with fluffy white clouds stained a pale pink with an eternal sunset on one half, and a field of stars in twilight across from it. Once when we’d come in for a splash together, Kohén had lain on a deck chair beside me and had named the constellations in the stars, followed by every painted face depicting each of the original twelve survivors. We’d been about eleven then and I’d already known the name of everything that he pointed out to me, but he so enjoyed teaching me things that I had allowed him to go on, uninterrupted.
My heart pinged as I recalled that night. I missed him so much! I was still angry about the horrible things he has said to me, but I was angrier with myself for missing him regardless. I was angry at myself for having replayed that kiss in my mind too many times too, and I was terrified by what would happen when he returned in two weeks. What was I going to say to him, or him to me?
So distracted was I by my thoughts, that I didn’t notice how foggy and humid the room was, or hear sound of female laughter floating above the strains of the band playing from the opposite wing, until I was practically on top of the naked tangle of limbs at the edge of the steps into the shallow end.
‘Oh my…! O
h!’ I turned away from the shockingly erotic sight of a man propping himself up with his palms in the shallow and thrusting up his hips into a woman’s face. I squeezed my eyes shut but I knew I’d never un-see the sight of his member sliding in and out of the girl’s open mouth. It wasn’t the first time I’d happened across a couple in some sort of erotic clinch within Eden’s walls (things got a little crazy after and during the balls in the courtyards and gardens!) -but it was the first time I’d seen three going for it at once while completely naked.
And the first time I’d recognised any of them.
‘Eek!’ a girl squeaked. ‘Oh! That’s that blonde girl from-’
‘I’m sorry!’ I turned to bury my face in the fog that had closed behind me, wanting to die. How had I not noticed the fact that music was being played over the internal speakers, or the cloud of heat shrouding the room and screaming ‘Occupied,’? And there had been a ‘Closed’ sign on the door too! I felt like such an idiot! Now I’d seen the future king of Arcadia getting serviced by Martya’s aunt and another blonde and the consequences of that could prove to be disastrous for me.
24.
‘I’m sorry,’ I repeated, shielding my face with my hands while stretching out a hand to find a wall to guide me out. ‘I’m going! I didn’t see anything!’
Male laughter followed my apology. ‘Larkin? Is that you?’
‘No,’ I lied, fumbling for the wall. ‘It’s no one. I’m lost. I don’t exist just… carry on, I’m leaving I swear!’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Karol grumbled, and I heard a splash behind me. ‘Adeline… Caprice, would you wait for me back in your rooms please? It appears that I have a distressed Given girl to calm down. She’s prone to fainting and I fear that we’ve startled her to the point of hyperventilation.’
My heart hit my feet. He thought he could smooth this over? Was he insane? Oh, I wished I’d never fainted in the courtyard in front of him that day- I’d only done that once in my life and now he was making me look foolish for it!
