There was no one moment that I fell in love with him. There was no instant when the wave of feelings came over me. There was no lightbulb that went off in my head or flashing neon sign sprawling across the sky. There was nothing he said or did that sent me falling head over heels. To be frank, there was nothing romantic about it in the slightest. But in a way I kind of think that’s the most romantic thing of all. Falling in love with him felt so natural, I didn’t notice it had happened. I don’t even know if I’d call it falling.
They say when you know, you know. When you meet the person you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with, your vision is clouded with fireworks and an overwhelming awareness of it all happening right in front of you. I, on the other hand, had no idea. I had no intention of falling in love with Mats. The first time I met him, I sure as hell had no idea that would be the outcome. Even in our early stages of dating, I wondered how long we’d last. When things got more serious, I still didn’t know. I took us for what we were and I thought about nothing but the present. We carried on with our lives. Somewhere along the way, with no fuss or flares, we realized that when we weren’t paying attention, we had somehow managed, in a sea of billions, to find our one.
So that was my chapter about falling in love. I don’t have the words to express it, and saying that I love him more than I thought humanly possible doesn’t even cover half of it. But that doesn’t mean that that love comes without struggles. Relationships are hard work. I truly thought that if you were with “the one” it would just be a breeze. But life isn’t a breeze. Life is fucking hard. Shit happens, and you’re not always prepared for what’s coming next. Just like friendships go through phases, relationships do too. We’re ever-changing beings and with every decision and choice we make in life, we shape who we are as people and what partner we look for. We’re all flawed; it’s not about finding someone who you think is perfect. It’s about finding out whose flaws you want to deal with. Who you want to fight with. Who you want to spend the shit times with. Who you want to go to therapy with. (Side note: Every couple should go to therapy. It’s life changing. Shout-out to our therapist.) For me, that person is Mats. Hopefully it will be for a long time.
As I write this, we’ve been together for more than four years. Now, I won’t lie: I’ve taken those rose-colored glasses off, and so has he. This is both the longest and most serious relationship either of us has been in. We *unofficially* moved in together less than a year in, and *officially* just a month after that mark. In hindsight I don’t recommend moving in together that soon. Living with a partner is a lot. It escalates a “serious” relationship and gives it much higher stakes. It also makes it more serious—which might seem obvious, but I think I was surprised at how quickly it made us talk about the future and our plans. It makes some things way easier, like having someone to grocery shop with or someone to take out the trash. Someone to fall asleep next to and wake up beside. But it also makes some things harder: the trivial things like watching your show without the other, or realizing that your ideas of quality time differ completely. Sometimes you go to bed mad and you wake up mad. When you live with someone, you can’t just leave them on read. You can’t run away from your problems if you live with the person you’re having problems with. It’s hard. I won’t say it’s not. And maybe there was a part of me that didn’t expect relationships to be hard. Maybe that was the tiny hopeless romantic hiding inside my jaded mind, telling me that when you love someone, everything is easy. But I think it’s exactly the opposite. When you love someone, it makes it hard. (Yes, yes, yes, penis joke. We get it.) I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way. I think anything worth having won’t come easy. I once asked a friend if she thought the couples in wedding videos were lying when they said their partner was “the best person they’ve ever known.” I asked her if her boyfriend was the best guy she had ever known. She laughed and said, “Fuck no.” We cracked up in the line at Old Navy, making up our own versions of more realistic vows. Things like “I’m so excited to marry this man who I find to be incredibly annoying only a few days a week” or “I couldn’t be more in love with this man who does some super-stupid shit sometimes.” If Mats told me I was the best woman he’s ever known, I’d say something along the lines of “Well, you haven’t met Michelle Obama.” I knew to be cautious of the expectations fairy tales and movies put on “true love,” but I forgot to look for those unrealistic stories in everyday people, in celebrity couples, #instagramgoals, or even in my own friends’ relationships. It wasn’t until that moment in Old Navy that it finally clicked. Nobody’s relationship was easy, people were putting in work behind the scenes, but nobody wanted anyone to know it was anything less than perfect. So I’m here to set the record straight. Relationships are hard. There are amazing and fantastic things that come along with dating your best friend, but it doesn’t come without hardship. I don’t think it’s about finding a relationship without any hurdles; I think it’s about finding someone you want to tackle them with. The first time Mats and I went to our couples therapist, she asked us if we were married. We said no. She asked us if we were engaged. No. Did we have a kid? No. She looked at us and said, “Well, you two must really love each other.” She said that she wished more people like us went to therapy—that the biggest act of love is throwing pride to the wind and admitting when you need help. We saw her on and off for three or four months, stopping every time things “got good”—a fucking rookie therapy mistake. We eventually started going weekly. There’s something to be said about going to an unbiased third party to discuss your relationship when things are going well. That’s when you’re receptive, when you’re not speaking or acting out of hurt. It’s when you think that everything is all fine and good that you learn the most. I used to think if we needed a therapist, it meant that this wasn’t “it”—that it was some sign that we weren’t meant to be. And of course there are some incidents and relationships where that’s the case. I’m not telling you to stay with something that’s hurting you; I’m saying that some days we love with ease, and other days we love despite our better judgment. Don’t trust anyone who says their relationship is perfect. What we project out into the world about our lives says much more about what we’re struggling with than what we have. If you love someone, put the work in, and if they love you, they will too.
acknowledgments
The Oscars speech I always wanted to write!
First of all, thank you for reading this book. To everyone who supported my content and followed me over the years, you’re the reason why this book is here. Thank you for letting me be me.
There was a time when I wasn’t sure this book would happen. After spending the better part of a year butting heads with my old publisher, I did what everyone told me not to do: I gave my book advance back, took my manuscript and walked away. I was told that I would now be deemed “difficult to work with,” and that the book I had poured so much of myself into would never see the light of day. A few weeks later we heard from Jeremie Ruby-Strauss at Gallery Books. They had read my manuscript, and they wanted to publish my book. Jeremie, I can’t thank you enough—from our first phone call when you told me you saw yourself in my writing (“even though I’m a bald man”), to your patience with me while I took my time editing. Your whole team at Simon & Schuster not only made me feel seen, but heard. You never made me kill my darlings. You took my darlings and made them better. This book is truly an extension of me, and without you, Jeremie, and the whole team at Gallery Books/Simon & Schuster, this book wouldn’t exist.
To my manager, Kendall Rhodes, thank you for believing in me when I don’t believe in myself. You’re at the receiving end of all my late-night text rants or blubbering meltdowns, and you have an answer for everything. Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you to Frank Jung, Cait Hoyt, and the rest of my CAA team for your endless motivation and guidance. I’m not sure what you saw in that girl so many years ago, but I’m forever grateful.
To my atto
rney, Hannah Mulderink, thank you for being a constant reminder that women are the superior species. You’re a fucking badass.
To my friends, thank you for loving me through the transition lenses. I couldn’t have gotten through all this shit without you. Sydney and Jerri, you two will never understand how much you mean to me. Nobody in the world understands me like you two do, and I’m not sure how I got so lucky to have you both in my life. And to their parents, thank you for making sure that I always had a place to call home. Sierra, there’s nobody else I’d rather have as a “sister.” Well, maybe Oprah, but you’re a close second. To Mats, thank you for loving me. Sometimes it’s messy, but there’s nobody I’d rather do life with.
To my parents, I’ll send you my therapy bills. Kidding (sort of). But seriously, Dad, thanks for being my cheerleader. I hope this book doesn’t make you hate me.
Finally, to my demons, both tangible and hiding in my brain. I am who I am today because of you. Despite your best efforts, I’m still here. Thank you for showing me how strong I really am. But don’t take that the wrong way—I still hope you burn in hell.
“Suck on that.”
—Janis Ian, Mean Girls
More in Personal Memoirs
The Glass Castle
Shoe Dog
The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Year of Yes
An Invisible Thread
Primates of Park Avenue
about the author
MEGHAN RIENKS is an actress (Freakish, The Honor List) and the creator of her self-titled lifestyle YouTube channel, with more than two million subscribers. She also hosts a weekly call-in advice podcast, Don’t Blame Me!, where she offers listeners her honest opinions on relationships, love, and sex. Besides telling strangers to dump their deadbeat boyfriends, Meghan is passionate about mental health issues, women’s rights, and zodiac memes. She currently resides in Los Angeles (and doesn’t hesitate to complain about the traffic).
BE SURE TO FOLLOW MEGHAN:
Meghan Rienks
@meghanrienks
www.dontblameme.show
FOR MORE ON THIS AUTHOR:
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Gallery Books
An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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Copyright © 2020 by Meghan Rienks
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Gallery Books hardcover edition May 2020
GALLERY BOOKS and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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Interior design by Michelle Marchese
Jacket design by Emma A. Van Deun
Front cover illustration by Shutterstock
Author Photographs by Taylor Krause
Library of Congress Control Number: 2020934868
ISBN 978-1-9821-1010-9
ISBN 978-1-9821-1012-3 (ebook)
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