Our Last Goodbye: An absolutely gripping and emotional World War 2 historical novel

by Shirley Dickson

  ‘Why “if”?’

  ‘Because if I don’t pass the finishing exams after three months in school, I won’t be allowed to continue.’

  Alec was quiet as he digested this piece of information.

  They pushed their bicycles in silence for a while. Then she asked, ‘What will you do at Christmas?’

  ‘The usual. Have dinner with Nana. I don’t know after that. Christmas is for bairns.’

  May’s thoughts turned to Derek. She worried he’d get upset at spending Christmas without Mam. Would he miss his so-called sister? she wondered. She knew she would sorely miss him. But living on the farm there was the compensation of plentiful food – eggs, butter, milk and probably juicy slices of chicken for Christmas dinner. May’s mouth salivated – the lad was better off there than at home, but that wouldn’t stop May pining for her son.

  To distract herself, she told Alec, ‘Did you know, when the Blitz was on, Christmas was called Blitzmas and it stuck ever since with some folk – including my mam.’

  Not this year, she thought with a heavy heart.

  ‘I wish I’d met your ma. It sounds like she had a heart o’ gold.’ Alec had the knack of saying exactly the right thing. May squeezed his arm.

  He told her, ‘I’ll take care of you – see you through this Christmas.’

  She couldn’t see his handsome face but she imagined the intensity of his expression.

  She mustn’t lead him on, May’s conscience told her – but she did feel comfortable with him and even in the short time they’d spent together she felt he sometimes took over a little too much. Yet she had to admit that it was a relief to let someone else make the decisions at times.

  ‘Like you let me,’ Mam said in May’s head.

  As they walked past the tall terraced houses, with curtains firmly drawn, May realised just how much she’d relied on Mam. Now that she was going to be working at the hospital she’d need to learn to rely on own instincts a bit more. She was beginning to feel confident she’d manage, and, with these positive thoughts swirling in her mind, she became her optimistic self again.

  ‘Won’t it be lovely when we have tree lights aglow in King Street’s shop windows again?’

  ‘That’s what I’m beginning to love about you, darlin’… it’s the little things that please.’

  May wasn’t too sure about the endearment, but Alec didn’t really mean it. Did he?

  ‘I wonder what the war situation will be this time next year?’

  May didn’t answer. She had faith and didn’t doubt that with God and good on their side, this time next year they’d be celebrating.

  ‘It’s encouraging what the bloke said tonight on the Pathé news’ – Alec’s voice sounded positive – ‘that Jerry has been pushed back on all fronts.’

  In May’s mind’s eye, she saw again all the black and white images on the screen of scrawny, tired-looking Allied soldiers, looking old beyond their years.

  ‘All I know,’ she told him, ‘is thank God the town hasn’t had a major raid since May.’

  There had been so much going on in her life – Mam’s death, Derek’s choosing not to come home, Dad throwing her out – that May hadn’t followed the news reports recently. They say troubles come in threes, and May had had her share. As she thought of the future, her resolve strengthened. Life couldn’t get any worse. And tomorrow, starting at the hospital, marked the start of a new phase in her life.

  But fate didn’t deal in numbers.

  * * *

  They stood outside Etty’s front door. May didn’t know whether to invite Alec in or not, but he made the decision for her.

  ‘I won’t keep you when you’ve got a big day tomorrow, starting at the hospital. And your last shift to get through before that.’

  May was amazed he had such a good memory for everything she told him about her life, but found it endearing.

  ‘I couldn’t get out of working at the factory tonight.’ May didn’t admit that she hadn’t told anyone she was leaving.

  ‘I would’ve shirked… told them I was sick.’

  May was shocked because that was downright dishonest. She struggled to think of what to say.

  ‘When will I see you again?’ he asked.

  ‘I don't know.’

  ‘You can write to me once you’re settled.’

  ‘I don’t have your address.’

  ‘Here, I’ve written it down.’ Alec reached into his jacket pocket and pressed a piece of paper into her hand.

  He thought of everything.

  He leaned forward and she felt his warm lips on her cheek.

  ‘See you later,’ he called as he walked away.

  As she entered the narrow hallway, a heaviness in the atmosphere told May something was wrong. Her instinct was confirmed as she walked into the kitchen. Etty was standing by the mantelpiece, red-eyed, her face ashen.

  ‘Whatever’s wrong?’ May hurried towards her friend. She looked around. ‘Is it Trevor? Where is he?’

  Etty drew a deep breath and appeared to collect herself. ‘Gone to bed. These six o’clock shifts play havoc with him, and what with Victoria’s waking through the night, he’s exhausted.’

  ‘It’s just… you look so upset.’

  ‘I’m fine… I—’

  ‘It’s Dorothy, isn’t it? You’re dwelling on Christmas without her.’

  Etty shook her head, speech beyond her.

  ‘I feel the same about Mam, but Etty, we’ll get through it together.’

  May noticed the makings of a Christmas pudding on the table. She knew from experience that Etty must be upset because nervous activity, especially at this time of night, was how she dealt with difficult times in life.

  ‘Honest… it’s nothing to worry over.’ Etty seemed evasive. ‘It’s… just the time of year, it’s got to me.’

  This May understood, as there were moments when she felt jumpy and jittery at the very thought of the festive season without Mam.

  She told Etty, ‘You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t feel this way.’

  As thoughts of lovable and kind Dorothy came to mind, tears brimmed in May’s eyes and she swallowed hard. She missed Dorothy too.

  Etty looked hesitant, as though there were something important she wanted to say, then she appeared to change her mind.

  ‘May, sometimes you’re too kind for your own good. What would I do without you?’

  A cry came from the back bedroom and, like a bullet out of a gun, Etty shot from the room.

  When she returned, she was holding a sleepy Norma in her arms. Gorgeous in pink pyjamas, the bairn gave an enormous yawn then nestled her head into her mammy’s neck.

  ‘Little tinker.’ Etty sat in the easy chair in front of the fire. ‘She always tries it on this time of night. I don’t dare leave her in case she wakes Victoria. The thing is, I could have done without it tonight. I’m whacked.’

  Etty still didn’t seem herself and May wondered if there was more wrong than she was telling.

  Norma sucked her thumb and May took in the homely little scene before her. Etty was good with bairns; she had the patience of Job and strove to keep the two kiddies healthy and happy. Gazing at the fire’s hypnotic flames, May found herself thinking about mortality.

  ‘Etty…’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’ve never thought of this before but what if… something happened to you? I mean we both know it can happen and sometimes, like with Mam, when you least expect it. I was thinking… who’d look after the two girls?’ She quickly put in, ‘Because I’m in the same boat with Derek if anything should happen to me.’

  Etty paused, then looked up at her friend with sad eyes. ‘I think of it often. With this war on I could be dead at any minute. I’m not scared for me but I can’t bear the thought of Norma suffering because she’s lost her mammy. I know it’s arrogant but nobody could love or look after her as well as me. My worst nightmare would be leaving the pair of them.’ At the very thought, she clapped a hand o
n her heart.

  ‘It’s the same for me,’ May agreed, ‘I mean, I know Derek doesn’t want me now but there might come a day when he’s in trouble and needs me. The Talbots are getting on; there’ll be a time when they won’t be capable of looking after him.’

  ‘Her upstairs’ – Etty raised her eyes to the flat above where her mother-in-law lived – ‘would want to take over, but with her ill health and her age, she’d flag at the first hurdle. As for Trevor… he’s a decent man with the best intentions but you never know how life will pan out… God forbid, he might get killed or… meet someone else.’ Lovingly, she stroked her fingers through Norma’s fine blonde hair. ‘I can’t see him bringing up two bairns on his own, especially when they’re…’ she flushed and didn’t go on.

  ‘Trevor is a good man… and Etty, he’d stand by both of them.’

  Etty bit her lip uncertainty. ‘He only took on the responsibility of Victoria because of me.’

  They stared at each other and the fear in their eyes spoke volumes.

  May had a brainwave. ‘Etty, I’ve just thought… what if we make a pact? I promise if anything happens to you I’ll make it my duty to see both Norma and Victoria are brought up in a secure and loving home.’ As the idea grew, she just knew it was right; it was fate they were having this conversation. ‘Will you agree to do the same for Derek?’

  To her surprise, Etty hesitated. She wouldn’t meet May’s eyes. ‘It’s not that simple.’

  Stunned, May asked, ‘Why not?’

  Etty gazed into the fire and, as if she found the answer there, gave a resolute nod. With Norma’s sleepy head on her shoulder, she stood and went over to the table. She picked up the Gazette.

  ‘There’s something you should know. I wanted to tell you but it didn’t seem the time. But now I’ve changed my mind.’

  She passed over the newspaper. ‘Look in the deaths column… and May, prepare yourself for a shock.’

  A shadow of fear passed over her, and May did as she was bid. As she skimmed the names, suspicion grew in her. Then her eyes locked on a surname she recognised.

  Buckley. September 1943. Billy, beloved son of Ethel and the late Joseph. Killed in action in Salerno, Italy. He gave his life so that we might live. Always in our hearts. Mam and sister Emily.

  The words at first didn’t sink in. Then, as reality hit, May dropped the paper and, knees buckling, she dropped onto the couch.

  She stared dumbly at Etty.

  ‘I know. I couldn’t take it in either.’ She heaved a troubled sigh. ‘I didn’t want to tell you… not yet, when you were starting at the hospital tomorrow. But you mentioning a pact forced my hand. May… it’s time you knew the truth.’

  Tears seeped from May’s eyes. Billy was dead. How could that be? With his blue, twinkling eyes and cheeky grin, he was always so vitally alive.

  An animal-like howl escaped from somewhere deep within her.

  Norma startled awake and began to cry and Etty comforted her.

  May’s mind was a jumble of thoughts – each one more painful than the last. She’d rather lose Billy another way; have him marry someone else rather than rot in the ground in some foreign place she’d never heard of. She needed Mam, the only person who could reassure her to go on because without Billy Buckley in the world, life wouldn’t be worth living.

  May cried and cried until, weak and spent, she sagged against the back of the couch.

  Etty held out a cup of tea.

  May didn’t know how much time had passed but she was aware that Etty, standing before her, didn’t have the bairn in her arms any more.

  ‘You’ve been in a kind of trance,’ Etty told her. ‘I do understand… I haven’t got over the shock either.’

  As she sipped the tea, a thought struck May’s overwhelmed brain. ‘What did you mean before… it’s time I knew the truth?’

  An agonised expression crossed Etty’s face. She had the guilty look of someone who wished they were somewhere else.

  ‘There’s something I have to tell you, and I’ve never told you before because’ – her voice was uncharacteristically low and unsure – ‘it would only have been to absolve myself.’ Her eyes widened and pleaded for clemency. ‘That’s not wholly true. Although the truth would have devastated you, I didn’t say anything because… I was afraid it would ruin our friendship.’

  ‘Etty, you’re frightening me. What didn’t you tell me?’

  Time stood still as they gazed at one another, and May was baffled by Etty’s tortured expression. It was as though she didn’t know how to phrase the words she needed to say.

  ‘Billy and I… we were attracted to one another, but it went no further than that at first. Then the night of the bombings in October forty-one we… found ourselves in the shelter together. I’d never been so scared; it sounded like the whole of the Luftwaffe had turned up to bomb South Shields market place and the noise of those screaming planes was excruciating. Bombs rained down and we heard buildings falling around us… We thought the end had come… Truly, I thought we were going to die.’ Biting her lip, Etty appeared reluctant to go on. ‘Honest to God it… only happened once… but once was all it took.’ There was a moment of hesitancy when Etty’s eyes implored May’s. ‘The result was Norma.’

  May’s mind grappled to take in what Etty was saying. As her wits collected, she grasped the full meaning of the words, and anger – no, rage – boiled in every particle of her being.

  ‘Norma is Billy’s daughter?’ Surely not, her mind screamed. Surely this wasn’t real but a nightmare.

  Etty nodded. ‘That’s why I hesitated when you wanted me to make a pact. You realise…’ Etty gulped. ‘Derek and Norma are half brother and sister.’

  The nightmare got worse.

  ‘It’s time you knew’ – Etty squirmed – ‘no matter what you think of me.’

  The rage simmering inside May erupted and spilled into words. ‘What I think of you Etty, is that you’re… despicable. How could you? With Billy, of all people?’ As the full implication hit her, May felt as if she’d been punched in the stomach.

  ‘God… how you’ve deceived me, pretending to be interested in Billy for my sake, when it was all an act for your own benefit. Asking where he was, when he’d be home…’ Her voice, hoarse and cold, didn’t sound like her own. ‘I trusted you like a sister, when all the time you were…’ Her muddled mind thought of Dad’s words. ‘…being a slut with Billy.’

  ‘May don’t do this, it isn’t like you… you’ll be sorry you—’

  ‘Yes, I am sorry! Sorry I believed you were my friend. You betrayed me, Etty, and I don’t know who you are any more.’ Tears leaked from her eyes. ‘I can never trust you again.’

  ‘Please don’t say that.’

  May banished from her mind the fact that Billy had betrayed her too. ‘You’ve hurt me badly, and at this minute, Etty, I truly hate you.’ May raced to the bedroom where a sleeping Trevor, beneath the bed covers, didn’t stir. She picked up her packed suitcase and, closing the locks, made for the front door.

  Etty was behind her. ‘Oh! May – don’t go, not like this… let’s talk.’

  ‘There is nothing to say.’

  ‘May, please, I need you.’

  May whipped round. Saw her so-called friend’s face crumple. ‘I’m not your friend any more.’

  As the front door slammed, Etty sagged. Her world had collapsed. Because of her, May was hurt beyond measure. Etty wished she could turn back the clock and put things right. But would she if she could? a small voice in her head asked. She wouldn’t have Norma and might never have married Trevor; originally theirs had been a marriage of convenience so that the bairn would have a name and wouldn’t be considered a bastard. But time passed and their marriage had grown into one of mutual love and tenderness. Deep inside, Etty felt her life was a spider’s web of guilt and betrayal that she’d spun for herself – and she didn’t deserve any of the happiness she now experienced.

  And life could never now
be complete without her dearest, irreplaceable friend May Robinson by her side.

  Etty burst into tears.

  Later that night, as she slipped between the cold sheets, she stared into the dense darkness.

  Trevor stirred, and his breath was warm on her cheek as he said in a sleepy voice, ‘Night night. Love you.’

  ‘Night. Ditto,’ she answered automatically.

  Soon she heard his steady breathing as, peacefully, he slept.

  Tomorrow, for Trevor’s sake, she’d put on a brave face. He knew, of course, about Billy, but a reminder would never do. She’d told Trevor her infatuation with Billy was over – and so it was, but still when she’d read the report of Billy’s death, Etty had been heartbroken. For Billy, though selfish, self-centred and an egotistical cad, was loveable too.

  Etty gave a trembly smile. He wouldn’t be playing any harps in heaven but, knowing Billy, he’d be chasing an angel or two.

  ‘Goodbye. Rest in peace,’ she sighed, then snuggled up to her beloved husband.

  Etty’s last thought before sleep claimed her was a prayer. Please God one day let May find it in her heart to forgive me.

  9

  May’s last night at the factory was an ordeal. Everything she did was wrong. Etty’s revelation consumed her and she felt ill with the upset. May didn’t know which part of her so-called friend’s disclosure was worse… that she and Billy had been together, that Norma was Billy’s daughter or that Etty had kept the truth from her for all this time.

  Then, there was the unbearable heartache that Billy was gone forever from her life. He was never really hers, a traitorous voice spoke in her head, otherwise why would he have had sex with May’s best friend?

  She shook her head to banish the thoughts. She told herself her love for him transcended any transgression.

  Her behaviour was erratic at work and loss of concentration was a serious issue working with machinery, so May was obliged to seek out the foreman and tell him she’d had a terrible shock recently and couldn’t continue at her station. She asked if she could spend the remainder of the night at her old job in the factory’s canteen where she could do no harm.