“Nah, I like seeing you act like a little kid waiting on Christmas.” Kissing my cheek, he walks to the kitchen to start making coffee. “It’s a good thing you don’t weigh much though. The neighbors downstairs probably wouldn’t appreciate all the jumping up and down if you came crashing through their ceiling.”
“Ha, ha. Very funny. I’m ready whenever you are.”
Handing me two travel mugs of coffee, he goes and grabs our bags from the bedroom. “Let’s go.”
Chapter Twenty – Gray
It’s about a three-hour drive to Gatlinburg. I keep glancing over at Annie who’s beaming. She’s excited, but I don’t think it’s the location we’re visiting so much as us going together with no distractions. She’s sensed my distance recently, but hasn’t brought it up or made a huge deal out of it. I love that about her. I love that she gives me the space to process things on my own without pushing me into a corner to share my feelings like most women do. The truth is that I love everything about her and I love being with her. I’m just enjoying hanging out with my friends, too. Having been in a committed relationship of some sort since ninth grade, I have a desire to sow some oats. It’s probably not fair to Annie, but she can’t get in to the clubs we go to anyhow, and she’s always super busy. I feel a little guilty for asking her to slow down her schedule with work, and then kind of bailing on her, but hopefully, this weekend will show her I’m committed to her and the rest will work itself out.
Annie has a beautiful voice, which is a good thing since she hasn’t taken a breath during the trip up the mountain. She’s sings every song that comes on the radio. In between songs, she mentions the color of the trees or what we’re going to do when we get there. I don’t think I have ever seen her this carefree before. I hope her eyes are still sparkling when we get to the little cabin I rented. I have no idea what it’s going to look like, but I’m hopeful it’s not a big bust. I want this to be an incredible weekend.
Once we get into town, I follow the directions I had been given by the owner of the little “chateau” as he referred to it. When we pull in the driveway that seems to hang off the side of the mountain, Annie squeals. “Oh, my gosh, Gray! Look how cute it is. And the view. The view is breathtaking!” It’s a small, dark brown, A-frame with a solid glass back looking out over the valley with brightly colored wild flowers spreading out like a sunset on the mountainside below it. The owner obviously has an affinity for gardening – there are flowers everywhere, in beds surrounding the house, planters on the porch, baskets hanging from the eaves, and in boxes on the windows.
She hops out of the truck as I grab our bags from the back seat. I’m pretty sure she just skipped to the front door. She holds her hand out indicating she needs the key. I just look down towards my right pocket where she can find it. Digging into my jeans, her hand brushes against my dick, leaving it throbbing for attention, but she disregards it to open the door.
Seeing the space through her eyes, we just walked into a veritable love nest. The floor plan is open with the kitchen blending into the dining space that runs right into the living room. The walls are covered in a warm finished wood, the furniture all comfy modern. Everything is done in clean lines with warm tones to create an instantly inviting feeling. There’s a door off to the left, which I assume is the one bedroom in the “chateau.” I go in that direction to dump our bags. Annie seems to be in awe of the view. I find it amusing since she grew up in the Rockies. The Blue Ridge Mountains pale in comparison.
I go to her as she continues to stare out the glass wall on the back of the house. I wrap my arms around her from behind and ask, “You wanna go see the town?” She turns around in my arms, an enormous grin on her face, kisses me sweetly, and affirming with a nod of her head.
We went to the aquarium, Ripley’s Museum, rode the Sky Lift, and I’m pretty sure we went in every store in the city limits. We topped off our day doing one of those Old Time Photo things where you dress up in clothes from the Old West and they provide you with sepia photographs that cost a small fortune. It was fun, but if she ever shows those pictures to anyone, I will lie and say she bartered with sex to get me to agree.
Somewhere along the course of the weekend, she has decided she loves salt-water taffy, especially from the stores where you can watch it being made, and then handpick your own assortment. I think she has eaten roughly ten pounds of the stuff. I’ve never seen her eat much, but she is packing away the taffy. I can’t help but laugh at her; that is until she’d eaten so much it made her sick. She’s thrown up off and on for 24 hours, but swears up and down it’s from taffy consumption and not actual illness.
We spend our final day in the cottage adoring each other in the bed, on the couch, on the dining room table, in the hot tub on the deck, and on every other surface we can find. Nestled in the king size bed we sleep tangled up in each other. The plan is to go to one of the pancake houses, which seem to be on every street corner, for breakfast before going home. Progressing through town, I notice her looking at the wedding chapels as we pass twenty or so of them. They’re as bad as the pancake houses, every time you blink, there’s another chapel. We end up sitting right next to one at a red light. She glances over at me awestruck. “Look how pretty it is. I’d love to get married there.”
“Forget it, Annie. I’m not interested in marrying you or anyone else,” I snap at her, effectively ruining what have been three of the best days of our entire relationship in two short sentences. She doesn’t respond vocally, but I see the tears she fights to keep from falling and the rigid swallow she tries to conceal.
Shit! I try to explain, “Annie, I – ” but she effectively silences me with her hand up like a stop sign, shaking her head.
“No need, Gray. I understand.” We eat in quiet before driving three hours home the same way. I know I’ve hurt her, but she needed to know I’m absolutely not in the market for marriage.
When we get in, she empties her bag, starts a load of laundry, and changes clothes. Walking passed me standing in the kitchen, she says, “I’m going for a walk.”
I grab her wrist. “Annie, please let me explain.” She looks up at me with eyes so solemn it makes my heart ache.
“There’s nothing to explain, Gray. I understand. I really do.” Then she walks out the door.
Two hours later when she still hasn’t returned, I call Topher and go to meet him at GameTime for a drink, or several.
Chapter Twenty-One – Annie
Things have changed since the trip to Gatlinburg – a lot. When I went for a walk that day, I did more than just walk. I spent hours thinking about Gray and where this is going. I sat in the park in our apartment complex on the swings, just staring at the sky. I was disappointed at his response, and as much as I wanted to tell myself that I wasn’t talking about getting married to him or not right away, that was a lie. The comment had slipped out, but if I’m being honest, I was fishing to see where he thought we were going. I got my answer loud and clear – it just wasn’t really the answer I was hoping for. I didn’t think he was going to pull the truck into the parking lot and suggest we go rushing in, but I guess I had kind of hoped he would smile and say “when the time is right we can do whatever you want” or something… anything other than what he said. The only conclusion I came to that afternoon is I have to protect my heart and see what happens. We haven’t spoken about it again since then.
Gray has started going out just about every night of the week with guys from work and comes home late, usually piss drunk. By the time he stumbles through the door, I’m typically in bed asleep. Frequently, I wake up with him between my legs fucking me or sitting on my chest wanting me to suck his dick. He isn’t the man I love at night – he uses my body to get off, and sadly I let him. Then in the morning, he’s the Gray he has always been, loving on me, kissing me, taking his time with my body, but by the time I get home from work, he’s gone. Every once in a while he will bring friends home with him, who pass out in our living room, and then hang around fa
r too long in the morning.
One night, some random guy named Kevin comes home with him. I hear them come in, but Gray never comes to bed. I get up to go to the bathroom and find Gray passed out on the floor in our bedroom fully clothed. When I try to get him up, he is drunk and too heavy for me to move, so I leave him lying there. I go to the kitchen to get a drink and find Kevin, also drunk, on the couch. He looks up at me to introduce himself, as do I. Right before he passes out, he tells me that I deserve better than a shit like Gray, who doesn’t value what he has waiting on him at home. Not bothering to respond, I go back to bed where I lie awake most of the night, listening to Gray’s phone going off in his pocket over and over. Around three in the morning, I get tired of listening to it and get up to dig it out of his pocket.
On the last ring, I answer it, “Hello?”
“Um… hey. Is Gray there?” a female asks.
“He’s asleep. Do you need me to wake him up?” I’m getting pissed. There’s a random girl on my boyfriend’s phone calling in the middle of the night.
She giggles. The bitch fucking giggles. “Nah, just tell him Cam called and he left his wallet in my hotel room.” Then she hangs up. I stand there looking at the phone, completely flabbergasted. I have never heard Gray mention anyone named Cam. I know she doesn’t work with him. Tears well up in my eyes and my gut tells me exactly who Cam is, but my heart doesn’t want to believe it.
When Gray finally rouses from his alcohol-induced coma the next morning, I have been up all night, have a massive headache from the immense amount of crying I have done, and I look atrocious. I kicked his buddy Kevin out around seven and just sat there waiting for Gray. I hear him moving around, but he evidently needed a shower to feel human before coming to find me. He looks refreshed when he emerges in the living room. He is toweling off his hair when his eyes catch mine. “Annie, what’s wrong, baby? You look horrible.” His eyes show genuine concern, the only concern I’ve seen in months.
“Who’s Cam, Gray?” I ask blankly.
“Huh?” He looks confused.
“Who. Is. Cam?” I ask again, emphasizing each word to make sure he clearly understands me.
“Ugh, she’s a girl I went to high school with. Why? Did Kevin mention her?”
“No, he didn’t. He had other interesting things to impart, but nothing about Cam.”
“Then why are you asking about Cam?” He looks irritated. Seriously?
“She called your phone last night. It kept ringing over and over so finally around three, I answered it. I have to admit, I was more than a little shocked when she told me you left your wallet in her hotel room. She wants you to call her.” My voice never wavers and my eyes never leave his. He doesn’t say anything so I repeat my question. “Who is Cam, Gray?”
“I told you, she’s a girl I went to high school with. What’s with the interrogation, Annie?” I can’t tell if it truly is anger or guilt in his eyes, but I’m thinking it’s the latter of the two.
“Why were you in her hotel room?” My voice cracks and I know, in that moment, I have just lost the battle. My weaknesses shows through like a ray of light and he knows he has me. He sees the jealousy and insecurity and he will pounce on it to save his own ass.
“Baby, there were a lot of people in her hotel room last night.” He’s walking toward me.
“Did you fuck her?” I ask point blank.
“N-n-no.” He stutters. I instantly know he’s lying. The only time Gray ever stutters is when he’s lying. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces. He sits down next to me as I start to cry, drawing me into his lap. “I love you, Annie. I’m not s-sleeping with other g-g-girls.”
“Everything just seems so off. I don’t know what to believe. You keep pushing me away, and now there are random women calling you from hotels.” My shoulders are shaking as I start to hiccup. He just strokes my back kissing the top of my head.
“Annie, I’m just trying to figure out my life again. I just got the divorce finalized. I have the freedom to do things with my friends that I haven’t done in years. You don’t like going to bars even though you’re old enough now, so what do you want me to do? I come home every night… to you. Don’t I get any credit for that? I call you every day; we make love every day, multiple times a day. How could you think I’d be with anyone else?” He waits for my response.
“Ever since Gatlinburg you’ve pulled away. I know why, but it hurts, Gray. I think it has more to do with what you think I want from you than you trying to figure out who you are.”
His voice hardens, “I’m not going to fight with you. I’ve done that relationship and I’m not doing it again. You either take me as I am or you don’t have me at all.” There is the ultimatum. I’m not trying to push for anything, but there it is. Either I let him do what he wants, when he wants, and don’t ask questions, or I have no Gray.
“I understand, Gray.” Somehow in less than five minutes and a handful of words, I’ve lost myself. I know that his happiness is more important to me than my own, and he just confirmed for me that his happiness is more important to him as well. I’d do anything for this man, including sacrifice my own dignity and self-respect. I hate becoming this woman, but I don’t know how to stop it. “I didn’t sleep much last night, so I’m going to go lie down to try to take a nap.” Silence being his only response.
Getting up a few hours later, I find a note on the kitchen counter; it isn’t unexpected. I knew Gray would avoid any kind of confrontation, so I’m not surprised he was going out with his friends and “will be back later,” always the proverbial “later.” I hate the vagueness of that time frame. Determined not to sit at the house wondering what he is doing or who he is with, I call Jenny. We agree to meet up tonight at her place before going out. I know Jenny will find a way to distract me, get me out of my own head. Unfortunately, I have to deal with myself for the next few hours and it’s going to be torture.
Lost in self-deprecating thoughts, my mind replays history, going to my only past relationship. After Will and I had ended our four-year relationship, my self-esteem was at its lowest point. Yes, I had agreed I thought we should see other people and experience college, but I really hadn’t thought either of us meant it. I lost out big-time in that gamble. His ability to move on so easily wreaked havoc on my psyche. In typical girl fashion, in my mind I became too fat, I wasn’t pretty enough, my boobs weren’t big enough, I wasn’t a fashionista, not sweet enough, etc. If I had been all of those things, he couldn’t have willingly let me go. I coped by forcing those thoughts back, effectively numbing myself with drugs and becoming a workaholic. It took about a year for me to finally start to move on.
Here I am, again being flooded by those same thoughts of inadequacy, though theoretically, my relationship is still intact. My feelings of worthlessness are not Gray’s fault. I know I am allowing myself to feel this way, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to stop it.
Chapter Twenty-Two – Annie
Meeting back up with Jenny is probably not such a hot idea. After all, my friend tends to cope with drugs, and I’m an emotional disaster. Jenny doesn’t ask questions, just hands me the bong when I walk through the door. Without hesitation, I proceed to get completely blitzed, soothing my spirit, effectively settling my mind. The more I inhale, the funnier everything becomes until we have convinced ourselves we should go on tour as a comedy duo. In reality, most of the shit we are spewing forth wouldn’t make sense to anyone who has half a brain cell still intact and isn’t intoxicated, but it feels good to laugh. I haven’t done drugs in several months, at Gray’s request, but I feel light as air, quickly remembering why they had been my safe haven after Will.
As the weeks go by, I start spending more and more time with Jenny and Kris. Kris is in town for the summer, home from the College of Charleston. I never realize how much I miss her until she’s back. We’ve been friends for as long as Jenny and I have. I honestly don’t remember how we met, but I love her like a sister and can’t imagine my li
fe without her in it. Having her home is a huge blessing as I’m dealing with the distance between Gray and myself. BUT… between her and Jenny, my drug use has hit its peak. I keep telling myself that it’s different because this time it’s for fun, recreation, whereas before it was to keep up with my schedule. It’s a lie – they are both coping mechanisms, or rather not coping, since it’s an escape.
My two friends are alike in a lot of ways. They’re both Dead Heads and think classic rock is the only type of music that should exist. They have old souls and should have grown up in the sixties. The funny thing about both of them is they are all about peace and love, therefore, encouraging me to be supportive of Gray and how his life has changed. They think I should be allowing him to find himself again. The thing is, I want to, I really do. I just want to know I’m a top priority for Gray, even if we aren’t together all the time. The more pot I smoke, the more I try to convince myself that I’m okay with our relationship. He still comes home to me every night, and we still have a very physical relationship. I never see him with other women, and I still see that spark in his eye in the morning, assuring me the bond, the ties, are still there. He still reserves that smile just for me, the one that causes his eyes to crinkle and my panties to get wet. I just want to hold on to it.
The last couple of days I have been feeling like crap, really run down. My nose feels like it’s about to fall off my face from sneezing every thirty seconds. I keep telling myself it’s allergies, but Gray insists I go see a doctor. Apparently, sinus infections look a lot like allergy attacks, who knew? The doctor puts me on a Z-Pak to try to knock the infection out. Going home, I’m down for the count. To my surprise, my sweet, considerate Gray is back in full force. He hasn’t left my side since I got home from the drug store with the antibiotics. I love how he takes care of me when I can’t take care of myself.
I’m starting to feel a little better today, so Gray reluctantly went to work. He keeps texting me to check on me, ordering me to stay in bed.
Bound by Love Page 13
