Bound by Love

by Stephie Walls

  It takes no time for the four of us to get her stuff together. “I think that’s it,” I say in Annie’s general direction, indicating it’s time for her to go. Pushing herself off the wall she’s been holding herself up against since the guys got here, she loops her arm through her backpack, picks up her phone and her purse, walking out the door. Following behind her, Turtle tells her he will follow her. Topher and Robbie make their exit, leaving Turtle in his truck, with me and Annie standing beside her car. “Annie, I…”

  She interrupts me, holding her hand up to silence me and shakes her head. The only word she says, “Don’t.” She slides into the driver’s seat of her Celica, closing the door in my face, effectively closing the door to our relationship. I watch her pull out of the complex, wondering if she’s watching me in her rearview mirror. When she’s out of sight, I go back inside, alone.

  Chapter Thirty-Three – Annie

  I didn’t have the strength to say anything to Gray during the “incident,” which is what I have taken to calling it. I won’t refer to it as him kicking me out, although that’s exactly what he did, with no warning or place to go. Thank god for Jenny. She never asks what happened and knowing her, she won’t. She’s that friend that just accepts who you are. If you want to talk, she’ll listen, but never pry. I texted her when Gray got up to answer the door to let his goons in. I’m not really mad at them, just embarrassed they were there. Gray could have told me and I would have left without involving other people, but I think he needed his friends there to make sure he went through with it. Of course, Jenny said to bring my ass to her house, so that’s where I went, with Sean following. Upon arrival, he got out of his truck and helped me drag my things into Jenny’s tiny apartment. I followed him out but I had no idea what to say, so I just went with the only thing I could come up with, “Thanks, Sean.” Blocking the sun from my eyes so I could look up to him, he engulfed me with his long, skinny arms. “Annie, if you need anything, just call me, okay?” I nod in agreement, on the brink of losing my composure. He senses it and takes off to spare me more embarrassment.

  I’ve never cried as much as I have in the last few days. I don’t think Gray could have had any crappier timing, but I’m sure he would say I brought it on myself. I’ve mourned the loss of my Grandfather, attending his funeral alone. I suffered through the Honor Council meeting where I was exonerated although horribly embarrassed. Through it all Gray never called to check on me, never sent me a text to ask me how I was holding up, nothing. He was the only person I had told about the Honor Council and he knew me graduating depended on its outcome, but nothing. Plain and simple, it’s tough to lose the love of my life, have my grandfather die, and have to defend my integrity, in a matter of less than one week. The only silver lining I have found in all of this turmoil is that I forced myself to finish my thesis before all of this shit hit the fan, so I don’t really have much to focus on other than my actual presentation to the faculty. I seem to be able to handle the mundane homework and tests my professors continue to throw at us at the end of the semester, so I’m hanging in there. The truth is, I could take zeroes on all of my homework and tests in all of my classes, except my thesis, and still pass all of my classes and graduate with honors. Things haven’t gotten that bad, but I’m by no means putting forth the effort that I normally do. I have taken a leave of absence from Waltons until after graduation. Luckily, that was the plan for my last year, to enable me to devote my energy to my thesis.

  Jenny’s awesome. She drags me out to random clubs, friend’s houses, anywhere she can think of to get me in front of other people so I’m not wallowing in self-pity. I admit, I have succumb to several pity parties in the last couple of weeks, but I tell myself it’s justified. It’s just been a shitty few weeks and if I want to wallow, I should allow myself to. It doesn’t matter where I go, what I do, my thoughts always turn to Gray. Every time I set foot outside I hope I’ll see him and I pray for just a glimpse of him. I beg God for one more day with him, one more chance to be what he needs me to be. Every time I see a couple together, it sets off the waterworks. Each time my phone rings I hope it’s him only to be let down when I see the caller ID, same things with texts. I dream about him, write unsent letters to him, basically I obsess quietly. Nothing makes sense without him and there’s a gaping hole in my being. Without him, I don’t feel complete. Thinking about it causes a tightness in my chest, a wave of panic, that’s all consuming, debilitating at times. My friends know I’m not doing well but they are giving me space to deal on my own. They’ve tried to talk me down from the ledge but there’s nothing to say. I fucked up. I knew how he felt about the drugs. No matter how hard I try to justify it in my mind, Gray was right, I made a promise to him that I didn’t keep. Somehow, I continue to gloss over those he made to me, allowing him an out that he likely doesn’t deserve, but can’t be mad at him, I can’t hate him, I just long for him daily.

  I manage to make it through my presentation to the faculty and it went extremely well. I’m not big on public speaking, so having the entire faculty in a room listening to me talk about the last four years of my life, my academic accomplishments all tied up in one paper, my graduation resting on my performance and their review, was a little daunting. I was proud of myself when it was over.

  As I made my way out to my car, a smile on my face, I reach for my phone and start dialing his number, when I realize, I can’t call Gray. I can’t share it with him. The one person who suffered through the last couple of years, juggling my schedule, encouraging me, supporting me, I can’t call him to tell him that I did it. I finished. I would graduate from college next week. When the realization hits me, I slump in the seat of my car, phone still in my hand, his number on the screen, and cry. Never in my life have I felt this kind of pain, and it’s the worst feeling, an emptiness, a void. Sobbing, I cry out, demanding God give me answers, why would he take Gray from me when I need him so much, when I love him the way I do. Why would the bond between us exist if it isn’t meant to be? I waffle between anger, sadness, and sheer despair. Tossing my phone on the seat next to me in an effort to avoid the temptation to call him, I crank up the car, wipe my face, and just drive.

  Eventually, I find my way back to Jenny’s apartment. When I walk in the door, she looks at my swollen, red face and shakes hers head. “He’s not worth it, Anns.”

  “It’s not just that. I mean that’s a lot of it but it hit me today when I finished my presentation, the one person I wanted to share my day with isn’t interested in hearing it. He’s been with me through this fight to the finish to get to graduation, but he bailed right before I reached the goal. He dismissed me within hours of my finding out my Granddaddy had passed away, my telling him about the plagiarism charges, the Honor Board meeting – he just left. I’ve never depended on anyone to pull me through anything, never needing anyone to, so why do I need him?” I’m desperate for answers that I doubt I’ll ever receive, but I want someone to give them to me just the same.

  “You know I’m pissed as hell with him. That’s no secret. I shouldn’t say this because I don’t want to give you any false sense of hope but Annie, you guys are meant to be together. I don’t know when or under what circumstances, but I’ve never seen two people so intimately woven together as the two of you are. Maybe the timing just isn’t right. Maybe it never will be.”

  “Jenny, are you high?” I have no clue what the hell she is talking about.

  “You and Gray may have separated for the time being, but the tides will turn, bringing you back together. I just hope if he ever gets you back he treats you like the treasure you are.” She shrugs indicating this is obvious to everyone but me.

  Collapsing in the chair and staring at her, I say, “You, my friend, have smoked one too many joints.” She smiles at me and I start giggling. I can’t help but love my little hippie of a friend. There’s always a break in the clouds where she can see the sun.

  “I hate to give you bad news…” I jerk my head up to look at her. �
��Your dad called today.”

  “Ugh,” I groan. I love my dad but we don’t really see eye to eye these days. He wants what’s best for me and I get that, but he wants me to accomplish his goals for my life in his way. It’s not good enough for me to go after his dreams for me in my own way. “What’d he want?”

  “He’s planned a huge graduation party for you after the ceremony on Saturday.”

  “Oh, please tell me you are kidding.”

  “Nope, he asked me for a list of your friends’ names, phone numbers, email addresses, etc. I happily gave them to him since I love to see you squirm.”

  I give her the fake evil eye. “You’re such a bitch. Who all did you have him invite?”

  “Everyone. He said a bunch of your family is coming in and he invited people from Waltons but wants to include your friends, classmates, and…” trailing off, she doesn’t want to tell me something.

  “And?”

  “Geez, Annie, have you not told him about Gray?!”

  “No. I didn’t know how to tell him and haven’t really wanted to discuss my failure in another relationship with him, especially one he wasn’t so gung ho about anyhow.”

  “Well, I didn’t think I should be the one to tell him, so I couldn’t avoid giving him Gray’s contact info. I’m sorry.”

  Shrieking, literally, “What the fuck am I going to do Jenny?! He can’t call Gray!”

  “I say just let the cards fall where they may. If he comes great, if he doesn’t then he doesn’t. It’s not like you won’t have tons of other people there.” Simplistic Jenny. I’m not sure whether I should hug her for keeping me grounded or strangler her for never thinking anything is worth getting riled up over. It has to be the pot.

  The ceremony is a blur, I remember vaguely walking across the stage hearing roars of applause and cheers, but I can’t tell you a word that was said during commencement or who the speaker was. I kept trying to casually scan the crowd to see if Gray was there. I found tons of my friends, classmates, and family members in various locations but honestly the crowd was immense and he could have been anywhere or not there at all. After all the picture taking and hugs, my dad snags me, encouraging me toward the car so we can indulge in his fiesta.

  My parents live in a beautiful house on top of a hill. My mom obsesses with the landscape so it’s immaculately groomed, the colors drawing your attention before you ever pull in to the neighborhood. When you are actually on the property, the smell of the flowers fills your nose in a sensory overload. Moving down the front walkway, I notice tons of cars lining the street and hear music coming from the backyard. When we go inside, there are people everywhere, along with a cornucopia of edible treats. My parents apparently went all out for the occasion, with a small band out back playing cover songs. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the support and love of so many people. I typically consider myself a loner; I have a few close friends, but I would never say I’m a social butterfly.

  As I mingle, shaking hands, hearing words of congratulations, I take a mental note of all of the individuals here. When I think I’ve spoken with everyone, the only two people I haven’t seen are Scarlett and Gray. I had hoped Scarlett would come. I have continued to try to reach out to her to no avail. I’m heartbroken that Gray missed my graduation altogether. Part of me is angry while another part just aches that he wouldn’t have shown up. He was with me through so much of this journey. It pains me that he didn’t stick around to finish it. People inquire about his absence allowing me to let people in on the secret I’ve been hiding without being able to make a huge scene based on the location and cause for celebration. Keeping a bright smile on my face, I don’t let on that I’m agonizing over his loss, just acknowledge sometimes things don’t work out but I wish him all the best. Those who don’t know me all that well assume it was me who let him go. Those I’m close to know I would never have walked away but won’t pry. They will allow me to come to them when I’m ready, which may be never.

  Thinking back, my graduation party was the moment of truth, I forced myself to acknowledge that Gray and I were really done. It was a painful realization, but I resigned myself to accept it, surrendered to the disappointment. When it hit me, my heart felt as though it had lost its ability to beat. It just kept constricting, painfully tightening in my chest. I missed him and there was no joy left in my life. A whopping hole of blackness crept in. I felt his absence physically, a void, but more than that because that just elicits thoughts of a hollow space. Gray took my desire to live. I wasn’t suicidal. I just didn’t care about anything. I couldn’t find the energy to wash my hair, had no yearning for company, no craving for food, I couldn’t even be roused by drugs, Jenny had tried. Living on my own again, my friends allowed me time to grieve, initially, but after two months of doing nothing but going to work, Jenny and Lynn intervene.

  I hear a bump on the door to the apartment, then another, before I realize it is someone knocking. Reluctantly, I get up to answer it, finding Lynn and Jenny standing on the threshold. Sighing, my shoulders slump, I wave them in with a swoosh of my arm before Lynn’s smart mouth starts moving.

  “Gee, Annie, way to greet your friends.” She smiles letting me know it is her attempt at being playful.

  “Sorry, guys, I just haven’t been in the mood for company,” I say, looking at the ground, willing them to go away. Instead, they moved further inside.

  “Look, girl,” Jenny was pulling an authoritative tone that would not bode well for me in the long run, “we’ve let you wallow in self-pity for months. We kept thinking you just needed some time to work this out yourself, but apparently, that isn’t happening, at least not at the speed we think it should. So, we are no longer allowing you to sit here alone, crying on the couch. Get up, go shower, get dressed. We are going out.”

  “I don’t want to go out, y’all. I want to stay home, alone.” My voice is stern but I can tell from the look on their faces they are withholding laughter and have no intention of allowing me to stay here tonight. Maybe if I just refuse to move they will leave.

  Lynn sees the defiance in my expression, looking over at Jenny, “Go turn on the shower.” Jenny does as she is told, while I watch her walk out. I am suddenly drawn back to Lynn when she grabs my arm, putting me in some sort of wrestling hold, dragging me to the bathroom. My protests go unheard as she pushes me into a cold shower, fully clothed, then slams the door behind me. “I’m serious, Annie, it’s time to start moving on. Take a shower and then we are going out.” They both walk out, leaving me balking at them through the glass. What the fuck just happened?

  The water starts to warm a bit, I work my sopping wet clothes off, slinging them over the glass shower top. As I close my eyes, I can see him looking down at me. I imagine the droplets running down my face to be his gentle kisses, and the warmth of the water his embrace. I can almost smell him. Smiling, I open my eyes, but he is gone. My heart skips a beat as my chest painfully constricts, the same scenario reoccurring every time his memory creeps in. The cycle is doing definite damage to my psyche. Tonight I have to find the will to break it, or allow Lynn and Jenny to break it for me. Unable to distinguish between optimism and resignation, I get dressed, wearing simple dark jeans, a fitted concert t-shirt, and my Docs. I let my hair flow down my back, sweep a little blush, mascara, and lip-gloss on, and grab my debit card and phone, sliding them in my back pocket.

  I’m not ready to admit I feel a little better just going through the motions of getting dressed to go out, but my friends sense it and they both smile like jackasses eating briars when I announce I’m ready to go. The giggling between them is incessant, like little girls, begging a smile to my face. I appreciate what they are doing for me. I have missed them both and they know I have been drowning in sorrow, anguish, pain, and regret – the list of emotions a mile long. They have allowed me time to mourn but are deliberate in their new fight to pull me out.

  “So what’s on the agenda this evening ladies?” I ask from the backseat of Jenny’s car…P
hred. Yes, she named her beater.

  Glancing back at me through the rearview mirror, Jenny offers, “We are thinking you need to eat and we all need to drink. How about Wild Wings downtown?”

  Sadly, I start running Gray’s schedule through my head before committing. He works on Fridays but gets off at seven and usually goes out with his friends, who hate the downtown vibe. So it is a safe bet he won’t accidentally grace us with his presence, and if he does, I will have been there first. I know that’s childish but I can’t stand the thought of him thinking I had followed him or shown up where he was in an attempt to get his attention. “Sounds great. I’m starving.”

  “Hey Anns?” Lynn looked back at me with a sympathetic look on her face.

  “Yeah?”

  “You know he’s without, right? He lost out in this deal. Not you. Eventually, he’s going to realize what he gave up in you, and it will be too late.”

  I smile weakly at my friend. I know she’s right, he won’t find anyone else who loves him the way I do. He will realize what he gave up. I can only hope that it’s not too late but I won’t admit that out loud, ever. I reach my arms around the back of the seat to hug her neck, knowing no words are needed. God, I love these two women.

  I swear, sometimes I feel like Satan himself chases me looking for ways to make my life a living hell. Sure as shit, tonight, he is succeeding in a big way. I about bust my ass coming in the front door, only to have about a hundred people watch my humiliation before echoing their pity for my embarrassment. I mean really, sometimes people should just shut up and act like they saw nothing. The moment we sit down, our waitress comes to our table to take our drink orders. When I look up, I see one of Gray’s chippies. I think she is one of the Erin’s but hell, I don’t really remember but she sure remembers me. Sitting down in the booth next to me, causing me to scoot over allowing for room for her tail, I look over at my friends, scrunching my eyebrows, silently saying, Is this chick for real? Both of them are staring wild-eyed at her, giving me a slight shrug.