by Lee, R. A.
Jake left a trail of wet clothes in his bedroom as he headed for the shower. It was up to Brooke now.
…
Brooke stood at the counter wiping dirt from her arms when she felt Jake just graze her shoulders. Her reaction was almost instantaneous, and she felt that her body betrayed her when she moaned at his touch and uncoiled like a spring twisted too tight and released.
The choice was hers.
Not sure what to do, Brooke went to her room and sat on the edge of her bed. Jake was waiting in a hot shower upstairs.
Heading to her bathroom, the gold from her first wedding band glinted for recognition in the waning light of day.
Touching it, Brooke said a prayer.
“I will always only love you,” she affirmed and pushed it just a tad deeper into the dirt. Determined to not break down, Brooke pulled off her wet clothes, rinsed off the dirt from her skin, grabbed her robe and nightgown from the back of the bathroom door and headed upstairs.
Throwing the garments on a chair near the bathroom, Brooke closed the curtains and turned off the light until the room was dark.
She waited on the edge of Jake’s bed, facing the bathroom.
Her mind had reservations, but her body had been neglected for so long it was now in control.
It’s just sex, she told herself. Really, really good sex. Brooke hadn’t forgotten the last time they got together and that memory urged her mind to shut up and just enjoy the ride.
Jake appeared with a towel wrapped around his waist and looked puzzled. Then he turned off the light, dropped his towel and carefully walked over to her in the dark.
Resting in bed, enjoying their cool down, they finally parted and lay staring at the ceiling while they each caught their breath.
“Did you hear that?” Brooke whispered. Birth had given her a powerful tool, super hearing.
Listening for a moment, Jake shook his head.
“I didn’t hear anything,” he whispered.
“Mom!” a voice yelled from far away, but coming closer. Without thinking, Brooke rolled out of bed, grabbed her clothes and raced into the bathroom. Dressing at super speed, she was out of his room and down the stairs by the time MJ came marching through the French doors still yelling for her. Coming up quickly behind him was Jake’s mother, who looked embarrassed and apologized.
“I wanted to show you my new toy,” he said, sitting on the floor and demonstrating the battery-operated truck he clutched to his chest.
Through eye language, she told Jake’s mother not to worry, that everything was fine. Relieved, she said good-bye and headed back to her house, closing the doors behind her.
“That’s great, honey,” she exclaimed. “I think it’s time for the birthday boy to get to bed.”
Complaining and stalling, MJ finally completed his bedtime routine. The story was read, the lights turned off, the door closed just so much.
Sighing, Brooke headed to the kitchen for something to eat. She was starving.
A few minutes after she pulled a bunch of plastic containers from the refrigerator, Jake came in, dressed in sweatpants and a shirt and sat down.
“You hungry?” she asked, not able to make eye contact with the man she had just been in bed with.
“Yes!” he declared emphatically and Brooke put together two plates of leftover meatloaf and coleslaw and potato salad. Sliding his plate over, Brooke tried to contain herself because she just wanted to devour the entire plate in one swallow.
Jake ate a few bites, but she could sense he wanted to talk. Knowing she would lose her appetite after a meaningful conversation about casual sex, she continued eating until she was satiated and then met his patient gaze.
Dark wonder still rolling in his eyes, Jake put his hand on the table face up and waited for Brooke to place her hand in his. Lifting her arm as if it suddenly had gotten heavier, Brooke placed her hand in his and he squeezed.
Just speak, she thought.
“I need to know what we’re doing, Brooke,” he asked with uncertain eyes.
“You don’t want to have this conversation, Jake,” she said, staring at her plate. “It’s best to just take this day to day, but don’t ask. It’s just sex. Don’t place any thought on it. This is not a conversation you want to have.”
Jake looked hurt, but he nodded.
Brooke sighed and left. How could uncomplicated be so complicated?
In bed, Brooke faced away from her happy family photo.
She had just made an informal arrangement for casual sex with a man she was married to but living in separate bedrooms. Where was she headed?
Falling asleep, Brooke was very tense again.
Chapter 9
Brooke was excited when Melinda wanted to see her about some great news she had to tell her in person.
Sitting in the dining room having coffee, Brooke ate cupcakes Melinda brought from a neighborhood bakery where she used to live.
“I loved this place,” Brooke said, taking a bite out of a chocolate iced cupcake. “So good,” she moaned.
“Don’t you want one?” Brooke asked, wiping chocolate icing from her face.
Holding out her ring finger, Melinda waited and Brooke stood to admire her friend’s good news.
“I have to fit into my wedding dress!” Melinda exclaimed and they were hugging and screaming in excitement.
Sitting down to catch their breath, Brooke asked for all the details.
“How’d you meet? When’s the date? Are you in love?”
Melinda scoffed at the last question.
“Of course I’m in love,” she said.
“Sorry,” Brooke blushed. Melinda hadn’t married for love the first time and had no problem setting up Brooke with a man just for security.
“Remember that night you met Jake,” she asked and Brooke nodded. She would never forget that night because she had met the man she would marry and never even knew it. The most life changing events in life never came with foreshadowing music like in movies. You never realize life-changing events until after the fact.
“I remember,” she said.
“Well, there was the cute guy I was talking to while you were with Jake,” Melinda explained very cheerfully. “We got together,” she said and motioned that they did more than just meet, “and before you know it, he proposed!”
Hugging excitedly again, they parted.
“What about you?” Melinda asked. “Anything new?”
Brooke shrugged. Her friend didn’t need to know the details of her relationship with Jake.
“Fine,” she said. “Jake’s in the city most of the time. I have everything I need.”
“Everything?” she asked mischievously. Brooke was caught off guard and blushed.
“I knew it,” Melinda whispered victoriously.
“SHHH,” Brooke whispered. “I already have to deal with the possibility of his mother asking about grandchildren. It’s just sex.”
“Just sex?” she asked. “How many times have you…”
“Just twice,” Brooke admitted. She didn’t want Melinda to think they were now sharing the same bed.
“How was he?” she asked. “He looks like he’d be good.”
“That’s none of your business,” Brooke said, blushing until even she could feel the heat from her face.
“I knew it!” Melinda whispered, victorious again.
“So are you guys…” Melinda insinuated.
Brooke sighed.
“I still feel like I’m betraying Matthew,” Brooke confided. “Yes, sex with Jake is incredible, but it’s just sex. As long as I can’t actually see him, and I feel awful for saying this, I can deal with it. For a few moments I can forget about everything. For a few moments I can even pretend it’s Matthew, if I try really, really hard.”
Brooke lowered her head and the tears poured before she realized they were there.
“It’s not love, Melinda,” she asserted. “It’s pleasurable, but we’re not making love. It’s great to relieve
tension, but I have to get up and go the moment we’re done. At that moment, I regret it. It makes me miss him more.”
Brooke wiped the tears from her eyes.
“I would give up all the pleasure in the world for the rest of my life for one last, long hug from Matthew,” she wished.
Melinda hugged her and looked her in the eyes.
“You’re not betraying him,” she asserted. “Do you think he wanted this for you? Do you think he just wanted you to wither away after he passed?”
It was hard for Brooke to even think about what Matthew would have wanted for her, so she didn’t know how he would feel. The subject never came up.
“Are you in love with your fiancé, Melinda?” Brooke asked, knowing she would have to fight for her words as her throat tightened.
“Of course,” Melinda replied.
“Have you ever loved anyone like you love him?” she asked. Melinda turned her head.
“No,” she stated, knowing where Brooke was going with her questions.
“If that were taken away from you right now, if you had to find solace with another man, how easy do you think it would be to forget his touch, his smell, the way he looks at you with love? That feeling of completeness where making love is just part of loving one another like holding hands? How easy would it be to just sleep with another man?”
Melinda started to get angry.
“I understand what you’re trying to say, Brooke,” she retorted. “But what are you going to do? You don’t think I’ve seen you pull away, withdraw within yourself since he passed? I don’t know how I’d react. I do know this is doing no good for anyone.”
Brooke glared at her and lowered her head.
“That was bitter of me,” she whispered.
“You have every right to be,” Melinda said, holding Brooke’s hands. “You couldn’t ask for a more perfect partner at this time, Brooke. It’s not like he’s suddenly going to fall in love with you. He’s still chasing his lover. It sounds like you’re just two people in need right now. Get what you need and get out. The pain will never go away. You can’t cut yourself off from everything.”
Brooke sighed and they hugged.
“You’re blunt, Melinda, but you mean well,” Brooke whispered.
“I only hope you’d do the same for me,” she said then beamed. “Now, back to me,” she said cheerfully and Brooke laughed.
Discussing the wedding details, Melinda wanted Brooke to be one of her bridesmaids, since her sister would be the Maid of Honor.
Hugging, Melinda headed back to the city to leave Brooke to think about her friend’s lecture.
Using people was not Brooke’s intention. Being used, well, Brooke hadn’t considered that. She knew Jake wasn’t into her romantically, but she never thought about it that way.
At one time, she had been the most special person to Matthew. There were no other people in their lives. They were connected physically and spiritually. Brooke knew no other way.
Somehow, she didn’t feel like she was being used. It was more like an understanding. Like Melinda said, two people coming together for the same purpose. They were seeking comfort when they could find none.
Jake’s relationship with Jenny was on-again off-again but he loved her and didn’t know how to resolve the issue of wanting commitment, but being held at a distance. Love was complex and Brooke knew there was no way to cap off that feeling even when it was destructive. Finding a moment to forget, Brooke and Jake just found pleasure.
Making love was more than sex. It involved the deepest desire to be as close to the other person as possible, showing the other person how much they meant, their commitment and desire to make them happy.
Brooke knew she could never make love again, not the way she did with Matthew. That involved a level of love only achieved once in a lifetime.
The desire to be close to someone was strong and took nothing away from the love she had for Matthew. It only demonstrated that what she had was special and now she knew the difference.
The tears fell again.
She would never feel that special again.
Chapter 10
In the city, Jake was distracted by his relationship with Brooke.
For the second time, they had ended up in bed together. What was the draw?
When he first saw her he was attracted to her ability to handle herself. But at his house, their house now, she was always moping around when not lavishing all her attention on her son. Jake wasn’t jealous, it was that for most of the time she always seemed like a depressed housewife.
Dressed in jeans or a robe, she never really did anything but sit around thinking. She was always thinking. Staring. She was also always staring at something far away and sometimes Jake would stare wondering what had her full attention.
With one touch, though, barely grazing her shoulder, she had sprung to life.
It wasn’t just the sex. Brooke was a different person when they were alone in the dark. Uninhibited and expressive, Jake never felt that she was thinking about anything else.
As long as it was dark and she couldn’t see him or what they were doing.
Jake realized that the second time they came together. Brooke closed the curtains and turned off the light. At first he thought it was because she was ashamed of her body, but it was more than that.
The moment they were done, she was gone. There was a reason she didn’t want to talk about their intimate moments. She wasn’t really having sex with him. More likely, she was trying to remember what it was like to make love to the man she loved. She was trying to recapture a moment.
Jake would have been bothered, but he knew it was just sex as well. If Jenny were in town or he met her in another country, he and Brooke wouldn’t even be having sex.
The first time she surprised him and he didn’t want to turn her away. Remembering how incredibly uninhibited and expressive Brooke was made him reconsider everything he thought he knew about the woman who lived in his house.
The second time, it was her laughter and lust that motivated him. The moment he grazed her shoulders and she reacted instantly, Jake knew she wanted it as well.
When he wanted to discuss their encounters further, she didn’t want to talk about it. It was just sex. She could take it or leave it.
What was I going to say to her anyway? he tried to remember as he sat staring out his office window in the middle of his busy workday.
It wasn’t in their agreement. He wanted to discuss amending their agreement, verbally, to include a clause for casual sex. That’s what he wanted to discuss. Knowing Jenny could be away for months at a time with no promise she’d return again, Jake would be amenable to releasing some tension with Brooke, if that’s what interested her as well.
She didn’t want to talk about it though.
Sighing, Jake got back to work.
It was best to take her advice and just take it day to day.
Hours later, Jake closed his laptop and decided to head back to the house early.
Arriving at dinnertime, Jake was surprised to see his mother with a cup of coffee, dinner plates of partially eaten food still sitting on the island table.
“You hungry?” she asked, putting down her coffee.
Puzzled, Jake nodded and his mother made him a plate of meatloaf and potatoes. She brought him a glass of water and watched as he ate his dinner.
“Is everything alright?” he asked as he realized his mother was thinking more than she was drinking.
“Finish up your dinner,” she reprimanded him like the old days, but it wasn’t the threat it used to be.
Jake finished and pushed his plate away.
“What is it?” he asked exasperated. Ever since Brooke reprimanded him for being cruel to his mother and mended their relationship, Jake knew he didn’t have to lie to her anymore. His mother, on the other hand, had formed an alliance with Brooke so he didn’t really gain much respect from either of them.
It was his house, but it was their ho
me.
“Brooke found a video she made for her husband’s funeral,” his mother explained. “She’s been in bed all day watching it over and over. I gave MJ dinner, but she insisted that they watch it together. She’s worried he’s going to forget his father. I want to go in there and rip the video out of her room, but I understand what’s she’s going through. The only problem is that I don’t think MJ understands.”
His mother was asking for his help.
“Wait here,” he said and headed for Brooke’s room.
Listening at her door, Jake heard voices and laughing. She was still watching the video. Knocking lightly, he opened the door.
“You don’t want to be here right now,” her voice warned weakly from the room only lit by the television. Jake entered slowly and shut the door carefully.
“What are we watching?” he asked lightly and was able to see Brooke on the bed staring at the TV. Curled up next to her sleeping was MJ.
When Brooke didn’t respond, Jake crossed to the other side of the room and Brooke looked around him, annoyed when he blocked her line of sight to the memory she was trying to relive.
“Move over,” he said and she glared at him, but she moved over and Jake sat next to her on the bed.
“I’ll start from the beginning,” she said without explaining. In a few moments, the screen went black and Jake was invited into the life Brooke lived before he met her.
Clips from a million memories were spliced together with a song about love and life. Their wedding. The music faded and he heard them say their vows. The music swelled again at their first kiss, and the cutting of the cake. Brooke missed Matthew’s mouth after he had carefully put a piece in hers. Laughing. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of smiling. Brooke looking at a townhouse, her stomach swollen with the soon-to-be-born MJ. Painting the nursery. Labor. The first time she saw MJ. Matthew proudly held his son and the music faded to introduce Matthew Junior and Jake finally realized why Brooke called him MJ. More music as MJ is introduced to his new home, his new room. Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries all captured on tape to sum up a life.
The Brooke in the video, like the Brooke in the happy family photo his mother tried to get her to forget, was happy. She smiled and laughed. She joked and teased. She looked at Matthew with a love Jake had only seen in movies. He loved Jenny, but he wondered if she loved him the way Brooke loved Matthew. By the way he held her, kissed her, hugged her, Jake knew Matthew loved Brooke just as much as she loved Matthew.
