I wanted to pick Tomas. Tomas, with his soft dark eyes that gleamed when he talked about history and books, his unassuming personality and the perfect shape of his head. He was a beautiful man, a good man, and I felt at ease with him.
Not one of these things was enough to say "this is him," but somehow they all went together, and the insistent wolf side of me said there was no comparison with anyone else. It was Tomas. He was the one—a good choice, a good man, someone I could trust and not be on edge around. He treated me with respect, and didn't expect me to be someone I wasn't.
I gave up trying to second-guess it and began to hang around him like a bad penny. He wasn't my Tomas yet, but he didn't dislike me. We talked. We walked. Occasionally we jogged together.
I picked him for any exercise that involved being teamed up with a non-shifter, and he let me. He seemed flattered. I liked the way I could fall into step with him and we'd take up the threads of a conversation that we'd started hours or even days ago, and not feel lost at all. I just liked him.
Before asking if he'd let me pick him, though, I asked some serious questions about his precinct, and the sort of work he and his new wolf shifter partner would be doing there. He answered just as seriously.
He knew how important this was, even though we were both treating it like random, theoretical inquiries. It was easier to pretend that, than admit how scared witless I was. Because I might like Tomas, but working with the cops was still an unknown quantity.
Some of the other wolves were buzzing around him, too. They wanted to snatch him up because he was sweet as honey. (Jenny and Ashworth were in high demand as well, although that didn't make me as jealous and worried.)
This was the nearest I came to having a conflict with anyone, although I managed to keep myself from growling or hackling in wolf form, and only stared rather hard a few times, as a man.
Still, I could see I was a running favorite with Tomas, what with the easiness between us, the way he smile when he saw me, and how natural and uncomplicated it felt to do things together.
I did feel I had to come clean with him about some stuff before we got too serious, though. I didn't rehash every single thing, but I gave him my bare bones outline. The fact that working with the cops (rather than on the other side) would be a pretty new thing for me. Losing my family. Telling the cops stuff, because of Justin, who'd then gotten me into this program, and a few other things that seemed pertinent.
I also told him I was gay, which he took as no big deal. If anything he seemed to like me more after all of my confessions, and he was a lot more pro-Justin as well.
"I didn't realize he was so important to you. I'll definitely have to pay more attention the next time I meet one of your friends."
Nolan and I hung out a little less, as he was getting closer to reaching an understanding with Cecelia about working together...and madly smitten with her on a whole other level that made concentrating on anyone or anything else difficult. We were still friendly, but he really didn't have any time to spare for me. I didn't begrudge it. I had to focus on Tomas, too.
As the days counted down, and we spent more time together in partner exercises, I needed to decide if I could stand to work with a police department. If I wanted to. Part of me would always feel like I should never darken the door to a cop lair. But another part of me said that it was a good job, and I should just take the damned opportunity. I'd gotten all this training (and been good at it), and I liked Tomas, thought I could work well with Tomas. And it wasn't like I had a whole lot of other opportunities lined up.
I really didn't want to go back to sleeping on Justin's couch and having him see me as even more pathetic than he already did. I also didn't fancy my chances all on my own. I'd dreaded being a lone wolf for so long. Maybe I should try to find a pack and join it, but that somehow didn't feel right either. It would be like I was begging to be taken care of.
I didn't have a lot of useful skills, and packs rarely accepted new members who didn't find a useful place in their midst—either as someone's mate, or with a good job, etc. And being big and muscular was not really all that much to write home about, either. It wouldn't necessarily be enough to secure me a position—even if I was willing to take on an enforcer role, which I really didn't want to go back to, even if it was for a pack and not criminals.
No. I didn't think finding a wolf pack and making myself at home was in the cards right now. With the police, at least I was sought after, rather than a charity case.
I still didn't ask Tomas till nearly the last day. We'd just gotten through a rather difficult obstacle course together. His clothing was streaked with mud, my fur was matted with it, and we'd collapsed in a heap together, panting. I reached up and licked the underside of his chin, where he wasn't muddy. He laughed. I looked at him intently, steadily.
He stared back. I don't know how he knew what I was asking, but he did.
"It's okay by me," he said, and gave me a quick, gentle hug, despite how muddy I was. "I like working with you."
Something in me eased, loosening in relief, as his agreement clicked into place. It felt right—good, safe, and true. I licked him again, my tail wagging tightly. I still tended to hold myself low to the ground and keep my tail tucked in wolf form—it was hard not to feel vulnerable—but being teamed with Tomas made me a little braver than normal, and the tail wagging came natural just then.
I would go with Tomas, and if the job was beyond me, I could always quit. But I wasn't losing anything by trying—and I really did like Tomas. He was good in so many ways.
"DID YOU DECIDE ABOUT the pack yet?"
"I said I'd text you."
"So, no. You didn't decide. You've been busy with the work, then, or you're having another breakdown?"
"Stop badgering me. I'm fine. I'm working. Stop acting like I'm so breakable you have to—to put me on a shelf somewhere."
"Do I do that?" He sounded surprised. "I'm just trying to find out if you're okay without spying on you. I'm asking you directly."
I huffed. "So shut up and let me tell you how I'm doing." I took a deep breath. I really did want to tell him—all of it, everything. "I'm doing most of the partner exercises with Tomas. And yesterday I asked him if he'd let me pick him, and he said yes."
"That's wonderful," said Justin, in a stilted voice. "I'm very happy for you."
"Did you think I was going to work with you?" I'd thought I'd banished that particular question from my mind, but it came roaring back at his tone of voice.
"Us? Work together? I'm sure we couldn't. Besides, I had him sent there. Do you really think I'd balk that you picked him?"
"You sent three of them there," I reminded him. And I was pretty sure they were all going to be picked. It was so hard not to like them, with their less pushy personalities and shining inner qualities that didn't involve bluster and braggadocio.
"Yes, but Tomas was the only one you introduced me to."
Huh. I guessed he had been.
"Anyway, I'm going to try it. I'm going to try being a cop. If it's horrible, I'll quit. But I trust Tomas."
"I'm glad you do," said Justin, his voice gentle, meaning it a little more this time. "I really want you to be happy."
"Did you find a new job yet?" I said, because I couldn't bear to hear him say such things right now. It made me all twisted up inside, emotional and confused and embarrassed.
"I've had three excellent offers," he said, sounding proud. "I'm hesitating between—"
"Hesitating? You mean you haven't made an instant decision? You haven't known from the first second what to do?" I put mock shock into my voice.
He cleared his throat and said with dignity, "It's an important choice. I'm weighing the benefits of each. A steadier career path, a risky but well-paid position, or a low-paid move for the sheer love of it—more profiling and interrogating."
Only him. Profiling and interrogating indeed. That was what he loved.
"Maybe I should tell you what to do. I should make t
he decision for you, since you can't be more decisive." I was pushing it, but I felt giddy and happy, and it was easy to push his buttons right now, about this. I'd never thought I'd have the chance at all; I had to seize it. "What do you think? Want me to help you out? Maybe you could send me a text when you decide."
"Damn you, Riley," said Justin, but he was choking on laughter. "That's a terrible imitation of me."
"Yeah, not quite pushy enough."
"Shut up. I'll make my choice in due time. But what would you tell me, if you were giving me advice? I'm curious now."
"I'd give you that old cliché to do what you love, and forget about everything else." Even if what he loved was interrogation and profiling. If was, after all, how he'd met me.
"But life is more complicated than that. There are a lot of factors involved in a choice like this."
"I know. So my real advice is, see what it's like. I mean, the people you'll be working with. If you end up working for another captain who doesn't like you, you'll be unhappy, or have to go job hunting again right away, and that will be frustrating and look bad on your record."
"That's pretty clever," said Justin, a smile in his voice now. "I think I'll do that. Thank you, O Wise One."
"You're welcome," I said regally, grinning from ear to ear, delighted with myself, and him, and life in general.
"So have you met the people at the precinct where you'll be going?"
"No, just Tomas. But I trust him, and he's told me a lot."
"Hm. Don't forget I'm just a phone call away if something goes wrong. It's always good to have a pushy bastard like me in your corner."
"I'll remember that," I told him dryly. "Good luck with your job."
"You too. And with Tomas. He's a lucky bastard."
"Less of the bastard, please. That's my soon-to-be partner you're talking about."
"You will tell me if you find a mate, won't you? I don't want to make a mistaken assumption again." He sounded like it really mattered to him, but why should it?
"Of course. For the record, I'd never hint about something like that or use code words. I'd just say, 'I've met a man and he's my mate,' or something like that."
"Okay. So...not Tomas?"
"Tomas is great; I love Tomas. I'm going to be putting my life in his hands. But no, not Tomas."
He blew out his breath. "It's none of my business, but thank you for telling me. I like to know things up front, so I don't make a wrong move. It would be a shame if I'd gotten you a 'congratulations on finding your mate' gift."
"Very embarrassing. Unless it was something I could use. I wouldn't give it back, you know."
"Well, I could give you a graduation present. Anything you want?"
Come and watch me graduate. I swallowed the unexpected request. It had just popped into my head. No idea I'd wanted that so badly, or why. It startled me into silence. "Um. I don't know."
"Be decisive, Riley," he teased gently. "I know. I know. It takes time. Text me?"
"I can't. I'm too busy. And I don't need a present." Just you. Come and watch me graduate! I bit back the words. Not going to say that. No way.
"I'll get Tomas a graduation present. Tickets to Hamilton, maybe. Wouldn't you be shocked if I got him an amazing present and you nothing at all?"
"Bastard," I said, laughing. "Can you really afford those tickets? They're expensive."
"Probably not."
"You'll just talk the theater into giving you some, right?"
He laughed, a friendly, rueful sound, pleased with me. "I'm really not the superhero of the silver tongue you think I am."
"I'm not sure I'll ever believe that."
"Well. That's fine with me."
An awkward moment of silence. I didn't know what to say. He'd just let on he cared what I thought of him. Maybe he hadn't meant to do that.
"Do you think you'll come to the graduation?" I ventured.
"It's in, what, three days? No, I don't think so." He sounded distracted. "I'll be looking into the job offers, and they don't really like strangers there. It sets the wolves on edge. I'd have needed to get permission in advance, anyway."
And he hadn't thought of that sooner? "So you haven't?"
"No. You've been telling me to let you alone for a while now, or have you forgotten? I've been working on it. It certainly didn't occur to me that at the last minute, you'd invite me to your graduation, and I should plan ahead for it."
My heart sank. He really wasn't going to come. "Oh. Okay, then. I'll see you around sometime." I sounded distant and faint to myself. The blood pounded in my ears. I was really going to do it. I was going through with it, and he wouldn't even be there to root for me.
"Riley," said Justin with a sigh. "Do you need me to come to your graduation? I really wish you'd said earlier, but I'll see if I can work it out, if you need me to."
"No. I'll be fine," I heard myself saying. "All I have to do it walk across the stage thingy and choose Tomas." Tomas would definitely be there, Tomas with his dark eyes and quiet intelligence, and his gentle calm. I drew a breath. "I can do this."
"Good. I know you can. I know I've said call or text anytime, and it's not that I don't mean that. I...I just wish you would work on these mixed signals, Riles."
Riles? That was new.
"What mixed signals?"
He sighed. "You want me to read your mind, but you also want me to back off and not interfere, not intervene, and not contact you first. It's a little bit of a tightrope for me, buddy. I'm not sure I can manage both."
He was scolding me. Great. And I was his "buddy." But Riles, as well. Talk about mixed messages.
"Sorry. I'll see you around, okay?" I put as much normalcy into my voice as I could, so he wouldn't guess how shaken I felt. He was supposed to be there. He should be at my graduation.
It hadn't even occurred to me that I needed to invite him ahead of time so he could organize everything. I felt like an idiot. A really hurt idiot. Not only wasn't he coming, but he was scolding me for doing it wrong.
He was silent a minute. Then, "I wish I could see your face right now. Maybe I could figure out what's going on with you."
You think you're so smart.
"Look, if it's really important—I'll be there. By hook or by crook. Do you want me to?"
"Nope," I said firmly. "I've got this covered. Don't you have something to do? I know I do."
"Okay. All right. Call if...if you want to. Or text. Goodbye, Riley. I know you'll do great."
"Yeah. See ya." I hung up, my mouth tight and trembly with anger. He was such a bastard. He knew very well he should have planned to attend.
But I would do it without him. I definitely could.
I DEFINITELY COULDN't.
It was at the halfway point across the stage that I realized that. All the cop-types were standing there like ducks in a row, waiting for a shifter to pick them. It was humiliating and scary for a lot of them—I could smell it—and really, the people in charge should find a kinder way to do this, so everybody wasn't on edge. It shouldn't have to be a performance, a ceremony. Sure, some people didn't seem to mind it. Wolf's choice, make a production out of it, the joyful reunion, the walk off stage together. But I minded.
Nolan and Cecelia had certainly done okay. And Andi had seemed extremely happy when she picked Jenny and the two walked off together, shoulder to shoulder, ready to face the world. In fact, a lot of my friends and fellow wolves seemed to be doing just fine.
I'd frozen. My vision was beginning to tunnel, a panicky, hard-to-breathe feeling starting up. I couldn't move, and I didn't know what I was going to do.
The seconds felt like centuries. Everyone was staring at me. I was failing, on this one, last, most important task. After I'd thought there wasn't any failure left! I'd passed everything else, it was the home stretch. Why couldn't I just move my feet?
I caught sight of Tomas, his serenity cracking now as worry overtook his features. I was letting him down! Letting him down! He probably thought
I had cold feet, but I didn't, I was just frozen. One of the instructors would probably hustle up and drag me offstage in a minute.
Would they still let me pick Tomas, if I didn't do it on stage? Or would one of the next couple of wolves snatch him up, knowing the catch he was? It was all decided ahead informally, but that wouldn't stop a last-minute change. Who wouldn't want to upgrade from a bullnecked cop to Tomas?
Tomas stepped forward. Breaking rank, breaking tradition, breaking the rules. He stepped up to me easily, and put his arm around me. "Come on. Nearly there," he said cheerfully, his voice very soft. "Three more strides and we're across the stage. I'll walk with you."
His touch grounded me, and when he took a step, I had to keep pace with him. We made it across the stage, despite my tunneling vision and swirling panic. "That's all right. You did fine," he told me, gave me a pat on the back, and a small, sad smile, and then took a step back, toward the stage. He'd only been helping me get off. He hadn't—
"Oh, Tomas, stay." I caught his hands. "Don't make me do that again."
He laughed then, a shaken sound. "All right, Riley. But it's—it's all right, if you've changed your mind. This isn't about me, you know. It's... You need to be sure."
"I am. I froze, but I'm sure. Don't go, Tomas. Don't go."
He let me hug him, and hugged back. A couple of instructors hovered worriedly, and I knew they'd want to talk to us both, but that was okay. It was safe now; I'd gotten him. Even though he'd had to help me off the stage, I had him now.
"SO, WAS GRADUATION okay?"
Justin really wasn't been spying on me anymore, if he could ask so casually. It was an afterthought to him. Well, why shouldn't it be?
"Yeah. Sure." My mouth had gone dry, and I expected him to call me on my bullshit at any moment.
He'd been going on and on for the last few minutes over the phone about which job he'd picked. Now he was telling me with relish all about the high-profile multiple murder cold case he'd be getting to work.
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