by Clare Lydon
For the love of all things good, why the hell couldn’t I think before I spoke?
Maddie widened her eyes at me. Then she leaned over the mixer to check it was unplugged. It was. When she looked up, she was smiling. “I thought you’d stopped caring about my hands a long time ago.”
“I did. It’s just that if you sue me, my insurance premiums will go through the roof.”
She tipped her head back and let out a cackle. “Good one.” She went to the next mixer, checked it was unplugged and removed the blades.
“You don’t have to do this, you know.”
She glanced up again. “I know, but there’s only so much hen partying I can take in one day, so this is a welcome respite. They’re all talking about marriage and babies. It’s seriously doing my head in.” She paused. “But I loved what you did today. I’ll be recommending you to all the other lesbians queueing up to get married at the moment. It’s like an epidemic.”
“You’re not joining the queue?”
She gave a derisory laugh. “Not anytime soon, seeing as I’m single.”
A frisson of something slid down me under Maddie’s warm, insistent gaze.
“Since us, meaningful relationships haven’t really been my forte.”
My heartbeat slowed as I took in her words. “It’s been years since we were together. I’ve no idea what you’ve been up to. Things might have changed.”
“Some things don’t, do they?” She cast her gaze to the floor, then back up. “You have in some ways — you’ve got this business. But you’re still you. Still capable, gorgeous.” She paused. “Still incredible brown eyes. I’m surprised someone hasn’t talked you into having a hen party and put a ring on it.”
I shook my head. She had some gall coming in here and saying that, when it was meant to have been her all those years ago. Or had she forgotten that?
“I’m concentrating on getting my business right. And you know what they say: you can’t have it all. I’ve got a great business and home. My love life will sort itself out when the time’s right. I learned a long time ago that if you focus on something you really want but can’t have, it doesn’t change anything.” I looked her dead in the eye. “It was a harsh lesson. The best thing to do is to move on.”
Right there in front of me, Maddie squirmed. Actually squirmed. I’d waited years to see that.
She took the mixer blades and dumped them in the wide sink at the back of the room, filling it with water and washing up liquid. It wasn’t lost on me that we’d been chatting quite amiably, but our past was always lurking, wasn’t it? Always waiting to catch us off guard when we least expected it.
“Still, I’m surprised you’re single. You were a great girlfriend.” She held up a hand as she paused and turned to me. “I was a great girlfriend for a while, and then I turned into the shittiest one on earth. You don’t have to point that out, by the way. I know I had a habit of running.”
Suddenly I recalled the other time Maddie had run. It wasn’t just the time that ended everything. Maddie had gone AWOL once previously about a year into our relationship, too. She’d said then she just had “a wobble”, and eventually, we’d settled back into being us. But as it turned out, it had been prophetic.
Maddie sighed. “But underneath this stony exterior, there’s a tiny piece of me who’s still a hopeless romantic. I’m just waiting for the right woman to come along and unlock it.”
Her gaze rested on my face. For a second, it was just the two of us, like before: Maddie and Justine, like always. Only, it was never going to be that again, was it?
I shook my head and busied myself stacking up some of the hen party’s cake plates. Trying to ignore my racing pulse, the way my insides swayed when she looked at me. I wasn’t going to build a new future on a look, was I?
“Maybe she’ll come along when you least expect it. Maybe you’ll meet her tonight. Maybe it’ll be Brianna’s mum, she seemed game.”
Maddie snorted at that, her back to me again as she washed the blades. “I think sleeping with Brianna and her mum might be something even I wouldn’t stoop to.”
I stopped wiping down the bench as she finished rinsing. Then she dried her hands and walked over to the bench. I stared as she undid the next few mixer blades, and took them back to the sink.
“I thought you’d slept with the other bride.”
Maddie gave an embarrassed shrug, not turning around. “One, two, who’s counting. It was all a very long time ago. Just thinking about it now makes me tired.”
I shook my head at her. “You were never a player when we were together, or before. What changed?”
She cleared her throat, drying her hands on a tea towel. A tell-tale rouge crept onto her cheeks. “I went a bit off the rails after I left you. Had a crazy few years.” She shrugged, clutching the sink behind her. “It happens. They all take the piss out of me now as I’m so not who I was when I met them. I’m a lot calmer and wiser.”
“You were the opposite of wise when you left me. You broke my heart and you broke the hearts of all our friends, too. It wasn’t just me you left that day, you know.”
We stared at each other for a long moment, before Maddie looked away. She walked over and unhooked another two blades, placing them in the sink. The sound reverberated around the room again. When she turned back, her gaze met mine. My insides melted a little, like fresh butter on hot toast.
“If it helps any, I agree. I was a fool, but I can’t turn back time, can I?”
I shook my head. “You can’t. We’re both living very different lives now.”
Maddie stared at me. “Very different, and yet, here we are. The two of us, chatting. Not so different, is it?” Then she dropped her head and began moving at speed, yanking the mixer blades off with far less finesse, avoiding eye contact.
Was it different? Yes, drastically. To me, anyway. Maddie might be back in my life, but she wasn’t the one who mattered most. Not anymore.
The air in the room was far heavier now, and I wanted Maddie to leave. She was the one encroaching on my set-up, after all. She seemed to get the message as she washed the last blades, her hands and head down. For a few seconds, the only sound was running water and the clatter of blades in the sink. Then the taps shut off.
I turned and saw she held the property detail brochures Gemma had left out for me.
“Are you looking for new premises?”
I nodded. “We are. This space is small, and we’re turning business away. We can’t decide whether to open another site or move to a bigger one.”
“A nice problem to have.” She walked back towards me and picked up her bag. Her mouth opened and closed, then she shook her head almost imperceptibly.
“Were you going to say something?”
She glanced up at me, her eyes soft. She put her bag down. “Just that we might be running into each other a little more what with Kerry being pregnant.” She paused. “Nothing’s set in stone, is it? James and Kerry thought they had it all worked out; getting married, buying a house, even getting pregnant.”
My heart dropped. I kept forgetting and then it kept coming back to me. Kerry was pregnant. Whatever it was that Maddie and I were doing now, it was nothing compared to that.
“She seemed pretty chipper when we were at her house, but she must go through patches of utter despair.” I caught her gaze. “Was she surprised when she found out?”
Maddie nodded. “She was, although I think she’d primed herself. But thinking it might be and knowing for sure are two very different things. She needs some time off, to rest up. If anything happens to this baby… That would be like losing James all over again. Once is more than enough.”
“Agreed.” I shook my head. “Love is a fickle thing, and even if you have it, it can be taken away at a moment’s notice.” I was talking about James dying, but Maddie put her focus on the floor again, before checking her watch. Maybe she was realising there were easier places to be than reminiscing with me.
“I bette
r get going before they send a search party.” She paused, biting her lip. “Could we do this again?”
“You want a private baking class? They cost a lot of money.”
She sighed, and just in that second, the old Maddie was there. The one I used to love. And it took my breath away.
“I meant this. Us. Chatting. If I swung by one day, would you go for a coffee with me? Or maybe even a drink? Since I’ve been back, I keep driving past The Spanish Station and remembering all our times there.”
Maddie and I had gone to The Spanish Station for a drink just after we’d started dating, and had spent a dreamy few hours chatting, kissing and laughing with each other. Our tapas had gone cold and we hadn’t cared at all. Ever since, The Spanish Station had been our bar, a regular destination of old. Hence since we split, I hadn’t been back. I frowned. A drink at The Spanish Station was loaded with memories. “I’m not sure why we’d do that.”
“Because we’re friends?”
“Are we?” I really wasn’t as sure about that as Maddie seemed to be. “You’ve got your own life, and I’ve got mine. I bake and cook and read. You go on hen weekends and are the life and soul of the party.”
“I already told you that’s not true. Plus, you can be the life and soul when you want to be, too.”
I ignored that. “I told you at the funeral. I’m happy to see you when we meet up as a group. But trying to go back and rekindle something you have vague memories of isn’t going to work.”
“My memories aren’t vague.”
“Mine are.” But as I said it, I was holding the wooden bench, fearful that my body’s reaction to the blatant lie might seep through my skin.
I remembered every inch of Maddie’s body, every patch of her skin, and every inch of the miles of lies she’d told. Which is why, despite what my body was saying, I was sticking to my guns. If she wanted to get back together with everyone else, she could. But she didn’t have to make a special case for me.
Still, she was giving me that look, the one I always was a sucker for. I swallowed and held my ground, literally and metaphorically.
“I’m not asking for a date. Just a coffee to catch up on old times and to see how your family are.”
“You care about my family?”
“I care about you, and so by extension, yes, I care about your family.” She paused. “But I know anything romantic is in the past. I’m not stupid.” She tapped the workbench and then walked past me. As she reached the door, she looked over her shoulder. “Anyway, I better go. I’ll see you around?”
I nodded. “You might.”
“Have a great night.”
I watched her leave, giving me a wave through the glass doors as she left. My past walking away from me once again, just like before. Only, it wasn’t like before, was it? Because now I was in control of my destiny, and I was a strong, independent woman. I had the upper hand here, because I knew what Maddie wanted. She could give me those hang-dog looks all day long; it wasn’t going to work. I wasn’t going to jump to her tune just because she’d come back.
I turned, and my eye snagged on something black: Maddie’s bag. She’d left it, and I had no doubt she’d need it. I sprang into action, and shot out of the door, the early evening rays zapping the street as I stepped out. Maddie was already striding down the path, not looking back.
“Maddie!” My shout pierced the air, and up ahead, a couple walking a dog turned their heads.
Maddie turned, puzzlement creasing her face.
I held up her bag, trying to appear nonchalant. “Your bag!” In the bakery opposite, Rob gave me a wave, his blonde Viking beard shining under his store lights. His beard always looked like he’d baked it on himself.
I broke into a little jog towards Maddie, trying to multitask by waving back at Rob. Big mistake. I was clever in many ways, but never at multi-tasking. As I began to run, I stumbled on a loose stone, maybe a brick. I wasn’t sure.
Alarm slithered through me as I tried to move my foot, but it wouldn’t budge. Unlike the top half of my body, which was moving just fine.
Before I knew what was happening, I sailed through the warm air, and landed unceremoniously in a heap. Palms first, closely followed by my elbows, the sound of my bones crunching against the hard concrete loud in my ears. Pain skittered through me like a pinball. I gasped for breath as I took stock. I was sprawled on the pavement like one of those police procedure crime scenes. All I needed was someone to draw around me with a big hunk of chalk. Ta-da!
I lay there for what seemed like an eternity, trying to work out where it hurt the most. My hands, my knees, or my ego. It was a three-way tie.
When I looked up, Maddie was standing over me, her face pale, concerned and beautiful. Would I ever think she wasn’t beautiful? I was beginning to think the odds were stacked against it.
“Are you okay?” She squatted beside me, and when I looked up, I got an eyeful of the smooth skin just below her neck. I hadn’t noticed it earlier, but now it was up close, it was all I could see. When I lifted my gaze higher still, I found Maddie’s eyes on me, soft, gentle, concerned. When our gazes locked, I shuddered.
Inside, I’d had my guard up. Now it was down, I was vulnerable. Maddie’s eyes were the same mesmeric grey, and her lips were still inviting, just like always. Was it my imagination or were we moving closer, and were Maddie’s eyes on my lips, too?
Maddie breathed in sharply. Then I felt other body heat nearby, and the moment was broken. I wasn’t sure whether I was relieved or sad.
“You okay, Jus?” Rob’s deep voice barrelled through me as Maddie leaned back, her neck turning slightly pink. Rob’s wrinkled brow came into sharper view. “I think you shook the bakery when you hit the pavement.”
“Now’s not the time to tell me I need to lose weight.” I sat up, groaning as pain rippled through me. Had I torn my jeans? If I had, I could just chalk it up to fashion. I tried to ignore the emotion currently slaloming around my body, looking for an outlet but with nowhere to go.
“Your sense of humour’s still intact, so that’s a relief.” He grinned at me, then turned to Maddie.
Imperceptible to the untrained eye, Maddie stole a glance at me, then slipped on her professional face. But I saw it. I lifted my arm slowly.
“Be careful, you might have broken something.” Maddie touched my wrist.
“Mainly my pride, but I’ll survive.”
Maddie sat back on her haunches, glancing at Rob. “So this is the famous bakery you were telling me about at the funeral. I didn’t realise it was right here.”
Rob nodded. “Right opposite Justine and Gemma. Which means I get to see her falling on her arse whenever the moment takes her.”
I glanced up at them, laughing over my pain. “When you two have quite finished, can one of you help me up?”
They both stood up, then Maddie held out a hand, with me wincing and groaning throughout. If I was trying to act cool and calm around Maddie, I’d just blown my cover.
She gave me a smile, her arm around my waist. Her hand rested on my hip bone, and my body warmed to it, leaned into it. Until I remembered who it belonged to and why that wasn’t allowed. I went to move away, then winced. Pain shot up from my kneecap and I doubled over.
Maddie’s arm tightened around me and happy endorphins pinged around my body, duelling with the pain currently crashing through it. A vision of Maddie sitting in the front row of my funeral sailed across my mind and I rolled my eyes at myself. That wasn’t going to happen; and even if it did, my romantic fantasies really needed work. If my fantasies involved me dead, my fantasies needed an upgrade.
When I glanced back up, Maddie’s stare hadn’t moved. If eye fucking really was a thing, as Gemma had told me recently, we were doing it.
“Thanks for running after me.” She reached down and picked up her bag, but her eyes had dropped to my lips. “I’d never have heard the end of it if I’d turned up minus my bag, and so minus my wallet.”
“Glad to be of
service.” If anyone were to run a heat map over my body, it would be red at my core. Our gazes connected again, and the moment stilled, before breaking into tiny, invisible shards. Maddie slung the bag over her shoulder. She had broad shoulders. Strong. I dragged my eyes away.
“Anyway,” she said. “I don’t like leaving you here, injured. But I really should get to the pub.” She winced.
“Absolutely. You’ve got a hen party to do.”
“Will you make sure she’s okay?” Maddie said to Rob.
He nodded. “Of course. She’s in safe hands.” He flashed his palms to demonstrate their suitability.
Maddie took a deep breath, then nodded. “Okay. Try not to fall over too much in the meantime.” She took my hand in hers, turning it upwards. “Make sure you clean these up. Your hands are important.” She glanced up and our gazes locked one more time. My heart boomed. It was all getting a bit intense. Then, with a soft nod and a smile that danced in my vision for moments after, she walked away.
Her smile took me right back to our old life. Standing graduating together, with the whole world before us and so much to look forward to.
Before it had all crumbled into dust.
I stared after her, transfixed and confused. What the fuck did she do to me?
“Will you live or should I call an ambulance?” Rob put his hands on my shoulders. “Do you need an emergency pastry to ease the pain?” He knew they were my weak spot.
“I always need a pastry.” I gave him a smile, even though my whole body had just turned up its throbbing. “Thanks for dashing to my rescue.”
He flicked his eyes towards Maddie, who was just turning the corner. “You fell hard, but I don’t think I was really needed.” He paused. “So I take it things have thawed a little between you since the funeral?”
I shrugged like it meant nothing. “She turned up in my cupcake class today, so necessity lent a hand.”
Rob put an arm around my shoulder and guided me into the bakery, sitting me on a stool while he went behind the counter. “Just necessity? Nothing else?”
