by Elia Winters
Anger welled up in Geoff, his body burning hot from the inside. “Why’d you ask, then? Why’d you make us say it out loud, if you’re just going to turn and leave?”
“Because I had to know!” Lori was nearly shouting back. “I had to know what I was losing before I threw it away.” She balled up her hands into fists and… Oh, she was crying. Tears welled at the corners of her eyes, spilling over her cheekbones, and Geoff had to move forward and take her into his arms. She pounded her fists into his back, but she pressed her face into his chest at the same time, and he held her. Geoff looked over her head at Patrick, who was standing with his hands limp at his sides, helpless in the face of this. Geoff gestured him closer, and Patrick moved into the embrace as well, curling his body around Lori’s and holding both of them.
“I’m sorry,” Geoff said. He wasn’t even sure what he was apologizing for. For loving her? For putting her in this mess? For inviting her into their bed in the first place? No, not that third one. He could never be sorry for that. His heart might be tearing itself up inside him, but he couldn’t be sorry for having this small taste of something bigger and more wonderful than he could have imagined.
“At least you’ll have each other.” Lori’s words were muffled in Geoff’s chest.
“It won’t be the same,” Patrick said into her curls. He looked at Geoff, and his eyes were soft with unspoken emotions. “It’s not the same.”
Lori pushed back gently, disentangling herself from them, her eyes still wet. “Look at me, like a fool.” She wiped the back of her hand across her face, clearing the tears, and Geoff wordlessly handed her a tissue from the coffee table. “Thanks.”
“When will you leave?”
“A couple of weeks. I have to find a place to stay, and get everything packed up, but I don’t have much.” Her voice had stopped trembling, and Geoff could already see her starting over, picking up her life and rebuilding it someplace new. “You know, it’s not that far. Maybe you guys could come visit sometime, after I get settled. After…things settle.”
Geoff could imagine the thought behind her words. After it wouldn’t hurt so bad. “Maybe,” he offered.
“And who knows what’ll happen down the road, right?” Lori spread her arms wide. She was already stepping back, already creating distance. “Nine Possum Thursday picks up, or some other university’s got a tenure-track position, maybe you’ll end up in New York again. Wouldn’t that be something?” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “All of us, same big city? Stranger things have happened.”
Geoff froze, a jolt like electricity sizzling down his spine. His thoughts raced ahead of his ability to process them, tumbling over one another like they did when he was deep into research, unlocking and compiling new ideas. He barely heard Patrick repeat the same word he’d said to Lori just a few days ago.
“Stay,” Patrick said quietly. “Stay with us tonight.”
“I can’t.” Lori shook her head. “I don’t want to make this harder than it already is. I just…I just need to go.” She inhaled and exhaled, and without another word, got into the elevator and let the door slide shut.
Patrick sank onto the sofa, but Geoff was rooted to the spot where he’d been standing. Ideas were still coming to him, a possibility he hadn’t really considered before this moment.
“Babe?” Patrick said, touching his hand, pulling Geoff out of the moment. “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay.” Geoff nodded. “I need to work through some things.”
“Me too.” Patrick squeezed his hand. “You want some time alone?”
Geoff pushed his glasses up his nose. “I think…I want some time…with the computer.”
22
Geoff had said he’d wanted alone time with the computer, and Patrick didn’t press. He hadn’t pressed for the past five days, when Geoff had spent most of his free time frowning at the screen while Patrick was left to fend for himself. Geoff surfaced for meals, but otherwise it was like living with a zombie. Now, as the week ended, he was starting to wonder if he needed to shake Geoff out of his funk. Maybe they should go out together. Maybe Geoff needed a distraction.
He was surprised, then, when Geoff stepped between him and the television. Even backlit, the determined set of Geoff’s jaw was noticeable. “Can we talk?”
Patrick flicked off the TV. “Always.”
“Come outside with me.”
Geoff didn’t usually invite Patrick out to his thinking spot. Patrick followed as they walked through the parking lot, the gravel crunching beneath his feet, and resisted the impulse to press Geoff for conversation. If there was anything he knew about his husband, it was that Geoff would talk when he was ready.
Geoff made room for Patrick on his thinking rock, the one that protruded out over the river rushing below. It was dusk, and the evening chorus of birdsong echoed down the river. They hung their feet over the edge and looked down at the water below.
“I used to be scared of the water,” Geoff said quietly.
Patrick nodded. He knew this about his husband; Geoff had told him about enduring swimming lessons, about his childhood fears of drowning.
“You got over it.” Patrick brushed his fingers across the back of Geoff’s hand.
“I never told you how.” Geoff turned his hand palm-up, letting Patrick interlace their fingers. “I was about…eleven or twelve, I think. We were on vacation in the Adirondacks. We had this cabin right on the edge of the deepest, darkest lake. There was a dock that stuck out into the water. For days, I wouldn’t even go on the dock. I would sit on shore, terrified, even though I was perfectly capable of swimming. I was so mad that the lake was there, like it was taunting me or something.” He smiled wistfully. “One night, I realized I wasn’t mad at the lake. I was mad at myself for being scared. I was mad that my fear was controlling me.”
Patrick could picture it, Geoff with his oversized glasses, having a reckoning with himself in a cabin.
“I went out, in the middle of the night. The moon was so bright, it was like daylight. I took off all my clothes, and I walked out to the end of that dock, and I jumped in the water.”
Patrick squeezed Geoff’s hand, but didn’t interrupt.
Geoff shook his head. “I was terrified. But I made myself stay in the water anyway. Treading water in the dark, trying to stop being scared.”
“And it worked?” he asked.
“Eventually.” Geoff looked at their interlaced fingers. “Or I got used to the fear. I’m not sure which.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, with the water rushing beneath them, and then Geoff started speaking again. “I’m afraid of a lot of things, Patrick. I’m afraid of everything in my life I can’t control. I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions. But most of all, I’m afraid that I’m going to look back and regret what I didn’t do. I don’t want to avoid the lake. I want to jump in.”
Patrick knew what Geoff was going to say next before he said it, but it didn’t make sense. Geoff wouldn’t offer this, wouldn’t make this kind of sacrifice, when he’d worked his whole life to get this far.
“Babe,” he began, but Geoff interrupted him.
“Did you know,” Geoff said over the start of his objection, “that if you’re a highly regarded professor with an extensive publication history, sometimes another university will offer you a tenure-track position?”
Patrick stared. Was Geoff saying what he thought he was saying?
Geoff smiled. “I think we should move to New York.”
“You’ve been researching jobs?” The past week suddenly made a lot more sense.
Geoff nodded. “I’ve been making calls. Apparently, my CV is…notable. I have a couple of interviews scheduled next week. I can call and cancel, or I can go through with them.”
“It’s not a sure thing, though.”
“I’m not concerned with the time frame. I’m willing to keep looking until I find something that gives me the same opportunities I have here.” Geoff took Patrick’s
other hand and held it close, so they were looking into each other’s eyes, hands locked together. “You could be a pit musician. You could go after that again.”
Patrick swallowed. “I don’t know if I’m good enough.” The words scraped out of his throat, and he hated saying them.
“You’ll never know unless you try. But if we stay here, you’ll never go after your dream. I know this is still your dream.”
Patrick watched the water rushing beneath them, the steady flow of water moving ever onward. The river never stopped. “You think we should move for Lori.”
“Yes.” Geoff had no uncertainty in his voice. “And I think we should move for us.”
Patrick had to let go of Geoff’s hands. He turned away, emotion bubbling up inside him. “It might not work out.”
“I know.”
Patrick ran through the possibilities in his mind. The risks. The terrifying prospect of really chasing after his dream at the same time that they chased a nontraditional relationship.
“We both love her,” Geoff reminded him, like Patrick needed reminding, like Patrick hadn’t spent the last week thinking of her. She’d been on his mind every moment: He’d thought of her cuddling between him and Geoff in their king-sized bed, thought of her smile and her laugh and her playful comments. He’d thought of what his life would look like without her in it.
“You really think it’s worth the risk?” Patrick asked.
“I do.” Geoff nodded. “But if you’re not on board, I’ll let it go. I love you, and I won’t push you past your limits. And you don’t have to decide right now. I’ve been thinking about it all week. If you want time, we can—”
“I don’t need time.” Patrick felt like he’d spent years of his life waiting. “I’m in. Let’s jump in this lake.”
Geoff gripped the back of Patrick’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss, their mouths colliding like a force of nature. Patrick found Geoff’s shoulders, his arms, and held him in place. He loved this man. Whatever life had in store for them, they could face it together.
Geoff broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to Patrick’s, both of them breathing heavily.
“When you say jump in the lake,” Geoff frowned slightly, “I just want to confirm…”
“Metaphorical lake. Let’s move to New York.” The words sent a flood of emotion through Patrick’s body. “Fuck. Let’s move to New York.”
Lori scanned the array of boxes scattered around the living room, overwhelmed. Packing was terrible, even for a minimalist like her who culled and decluttered every month or so. This felt final in a different manner than her previous moves, each box like packing away a piece of her emotions. After days of crying and moping, now she just felt wrung-out and empty. Maybe she’d made the right decision; maybe she hadn’t. She might never be sure.
The only thing she could do was pick up and move forward with whatever her life had become and make the best of her new future. In the city, she could pursue the career she’d been chasing since her undergraduate days. She could do so much good for so many people. Each night, she’d tried to comfort herself with those thoughts while ignoring the hollowed-out loneliness inside. It was Saturday night, and she was packing boxes.
The doorbell rang, and then rang again, and then a third time. What the hell? She set down the books she’d been packing and peered through the peephole. In astonishment, she swung open the door to Geoff and Patrick. Her heart raced at the sight of them, that lonely, empty feeling inside her immediately crying out for her to run to them, throw herself in their arms, and ask to never be separated again. Instead, she stayed rooted to the spot. “What are you doing here?”
Geoff looked past her and then pushed his glasses up on his nose. “Can we come in?”
She stepped aside to let them pass. A dozen scenarios were running through her mind. She wasn’t counting on needing to say goodbye to them again. A clean break would have been easier, and now things were just going to be messy. But if they wanted one last fling, a small part of her wasn’t sure she’d be able to resist. Maybe she could have one final amazing night to remember them by.
They stood in her living room, side by side, and Lori faced them with her arms crossed. She was going to need all her emotional armor to see this through.
Geoff swallowed before he spoke. “Last night, Patrick and I sat down to talk. About a lot of things.” He hesitated, and then continued. “I told him this story about a lake…” He trailed off, and then looked to Patrick, who shook his head and smiled with affection at his husband.
“We should have rehearsed this.” Patrick ran a hand through his hair and took a deep, shuddering breath. “Look. Let’s get right to the point. We want to move to New York.”
Lori stared at them. She couldn’t have heard that correctly, right? Her brain ground to a halt, frozen by the words on his lips.
“I’ve been running away from my own goals and dreams since my mom died,” Patrick continued. “I love the band, and I love giving music lessons, but what I really want to do is be a pit musician in the city. I miss New York, and I miss doing what I love.”
Geoff jumped into the conversation. “There are a lot of colleges and universities in New York. Tenure is an option at several of them. I don’t know if I’m going to get something right away, but I’m going to keep trying.”
“But it’s not about careers. Not really.” Patrick held Geoff’s hand, like they were trying to give each other strength, and Lori’s heart cracked open a tiny bit even while her brain struggled to process everything they were saying. “We’re going to move to the city because we want to be with you.”
Lori closed her eyes. She hadn’t wanted to hope for this. She hadn’t wanted to ask, hadn’t felt like she deserved to ask. With her eyes still squeezed tight against the hope in their faces, she choked out her question. “What if it doesn’t work out?”
“We can’t live with ourselves unless we try.” Geoff’s voice sounded as wrecked with emotion as she felt. “Neither of us. We can’t stay here and watch you move away and never know what might have been.”
Lori blinked her eyes open, and they were filled with tears that she fought back. She would not cry, not over this, not over what she wanted so badly. She clenched her fists by her side, holding back the emotion, fingernails digging into her own palms.
“You would do this for me?” she asked. “You would uproot your whole lives and move somewhere brand-new…to be with me?”
Geoff nodded, and Patrick looked disbelieving. “Of course,” Patrick said. “We love you.”
She threw herself into their arms.
Patrick and Geoff wrapped her in a hug, and there were too many arms, and it was ridiculous and overwhelming and just perfect. “There’s so much to figure out.” Her voice came out muffled, buried into Geoff’s chest.
“We talked about some things yesterday, when we made the decision.” Patrick stroked her back, fingertips trailing lightly up and down.
Lori tipped her head back to look at him in disbelief. “You made the decision yesterday, but you didn’t come over until today?”
“We wanted to be sure,” Geoff said. “And figure out logistics, possible timelines, where we might live…we made a spreadsheet.”
Lori rested her forehead against Geoff’s chest. “You made a spreadsheet. Of course, you did.” She loved these dorks.
Still smiling, she pulled Geoff’s mouth down for a kiss. Then, she kissed Patrick, because they were both here, and she loved both of them, and she suddenly remembered the gorgeous, messy kisses in the parking lot of Tokens after karaoke and her body lit up from the inside. I could have this, she thought.
I can have this.
I have this.
It was too much, kissing them in the living room, surrounded by boxes.
“Bed.” She pulled away and grabbed each of them by the hand.
“Now?” Patrick laughed but followed, as did Geoff.
“Yes. Now. It’s been forever, and I want you n
ow.” She had shut down this part of her brain, trying desperately not to want this anymore once she said her goodbyes. Now, with the ocean of possibility stretched out before her, her desires came roaring back with a force that left her breathless. “Any objections?”
Both men shook their heads, and Geoff answered, “Hell no.”
Geoff hadn’t expected the day to end up here, in Lori’s bed, tumbling down against her onto the soft surface…but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t hoped. His body thrummed with need. He and Patrick hadn’t been intimate since that night outside the club, when he was desperate and strung out, and Patrick was so beautiful and willing. Now, with Lori stripping out of her clothing, desire surged hot through his veins.
“Wait.” He stilled her hands as she was about to unfasten her jeans. “Let me.”
Lori shivered as Geoff slid her jeans down her hips, and sucked in a quiet breath when Patrick joined him, unfastening her bra. They stripped her of her clothing with slow deliberation, and Geoff had to drop to his knees and press his mouth to the skin he uncovered: her belly, her hip bone, the downy patch of hair at the juncture of her thighs. She smelled amazing, like sex and the ocean, and he dipped his tongue deeper into her folds, longing to taste.
Lori dug her fingernails into his scalp, thighs suddenly trembling. Geoff sat back on his heels and looked up at her and Patrick above him. Patrick stood behind her, mouthing the tender skin of her neck, hands cupping her full breasts. Lori had her eyes closed and head thrown back. Geoff got to his feet and kissed Lori again, then Patrick, and he slid his hands beneath Patrick’s shirt to the warm skin beneath.
Lori sucked in a breath watching them. Her eyes had gone dark, liquid, needy. He could get used to seeing her like this. He wanted to see her like this over and over, and god, now he got to.
Lori helped strip Patrick the same way they’d undressed her, if a little rougher, tugging off his jeans while Geoff pulled off his shirt. Patrick ended up tangled in his pants and shoes and fell to the bed, laughing, and then it was all kissing and touching and the last clothes—Geoff’s—carelessly tossed aside.
