The problem, though, is that Xander knows exactly how to play Ben. Xander bites into his shoulder and does that thing he does with his thumb over the slit in Ben’s cock, and Ben bucks underneath his hand. Another pinch as punishment, and then he’s straight back to the same thing.
Ben starts reciting nursery rhymes silently, tries to think about a calm blue ocean, tries to concentrate on anything except what Xander is doing. He feels himself building up to an orgasm and his whole body stiffens, but Xander notices, and stops touching him immediately.
“You’re not being very good,” he says reprovingly. Ben clamps his teeth together to stop the retort. He tries to look chastened, which is difficult with a blindfold. Xander pinches him again in the same spot, hard, and the pain shoots through Ben’s chest and down his arm.
Xander licks at the sweat running down his face and makes a satisfied noise. “Okay,” he says. “Since you can’t control yourself like that, we’ll try it a different way.”
He pulls himself on top and rubs his cock up against Ben’s. “That feels good,” he says. “For me, anyway. But then, I’m going to cum, and you’re not.”
Ben’s skin is so wet with perspiration it’s like he’s emptied half a bottle of lube all over his stomach, and Xander is able to slide up and down comfortably. He whispers in Ben’s ear about how beautifully slick he feels; how much he wants to make a mess on his toy. Ben, panting, can feel his heart speed up and he tries again to think about anything except this. He wants to do what Xander has asked but –
Xander takes pity on him and stops moving. “Calm down,” he says. “Breathe. Slow down.” He rolls off again and Ben fights to regain control.
Xander scratches him again, and the pain helps Ben to focus. “Are you enjoying it as much as last time?” he asks, his tone neutral. “Oh, I guess you can’t tell me, can you?” He tugs on the curls at the base of Ben’s cock, making him buck up. “You are being really, really bad tonight Benjamin,” he says, and Ben can hear the frown in his voice. He’s ready for the pinch, but it doesn’t come. Xander moves away in the bed. “I was going to be nice and let you cum after a while, but you really haven’t earned it.”
And for some reason, the tone in Xander’s voice, the disappointment, strikes right at Ben’s heart. He feels like his head is buzzing. His blindfold is getting wet; he can feel beads of water sliding out from under it.
“Are you crying?” Xander asks, rolling back next to him immediately. He sounds incredibly fascinated, as though it’s a science experiment with an unexpected result. Ben doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. He wants Xander to know that he’s trying as hard as he can. He feels hot breath on his face as Xander kisses his cheek. “Mm, that’s interesting.” He tastes Ben’s wet skin again.
There’s a pause, and Ben knows that Xander is waiting for him to safe word, to say he wants to slow down or stop. But Ben doesn’t want that; he just wants Xander to be pleased with him again.
And so he stays silent.
“Well, okay then,” Xander says, and Ben can hear a hitch of excitement in his voice. Ben feels Xander's hand grasping his cock firmly again, and very slowly bringing him near orgasm again. But it’s easier this time to hold off, even when he feels teeth gently against his collarbone. Xander is impressed.
“Finally,” he says. “You’re being good for me.” Ben is feeling light in his body; he can feel Xander stimulating him but it’s not intense. Ben floats. Xander is happy with him.
“I think you’re wandering, Benjamin,” Xander says. “Are you? You can nod if you are.”
Ben nods, but it feels like it takes forever. He starts to lose his sense of time. He feels Xander kissing him and sliding over him and rutting up against him and it feels good, but mostly because he knows Xander feels good. When Xander cums, groaning out how good he feels, how perfect he is, Ben feels a surge of complete joy.
Later, Xander tells him he came too, with permission, but Ben doesn’t really remember.
“And you cried,” Xander says, spooning him before they go to sleep.
“I don’t think so,” Ben says. “I don’t cry.”
“Really?” Xander asks, non-committal. “My mistake.” But he clearly thinks he’s right.
Ben lets it go. He’s sure it was just sweat. “So was that what they call subspace?” he asks. “I’ve never felt like that before.” He’s come across the concept of subspace in his reading, of course. “I always thought it would feel more, you know. Submissive. Abject.”
Xander nuzzles into his neck. “What does it feel like?”
It takes a while to find the right word. “Freedom,” Ben says at last. “I felt completely free.”
A couple of days later Ben goes with Xander to a party out in the suburbs, held by friends of Xander’s older brother Joe. People are crowded into the house and around the pool out back. It’s a hot day, even hotter than usual. Joe is also supposed to be there, but he’s late, very late. Xander’s been determined to tell Joe about Ben face to face, but Joe has been out of town for a while, so Ben is resigned to waiting for however long it takes for Joe to turn up.
Joe works as Director of Photography on one of the biggest TV dramas right now. (Every time Xander refers to Joe as a DP, Ben snickers.) But most of the people at this party are in the industry; a few are famous, and Ben can’t help staring at them, although when he sees how much some of them stare at Xander, greet Xander, simper at Xander, it gives him a hard, knotty feeling just below his solar plexus. There are appraising, surprised eyes on Ben every time Xander introduces him as his boyfriend. But they’re soon forgotten about, just another couple.
Xander’s having fun, catching up with friends he hasn’t seen for a while. He and Ben have admittedly been cocooning themselves in each other’s company for a long time. Ben enjoys watching him move among the party, seeing his face so alive and animated. He enjoys watching others watching Xander, and wanting him, and thinks a proprietary, proud, Mine, when he sees Xander kindly turn down offers half-made through eyes or lips.
“He’s pretty amazing, that boy,” says a voice in his ear, and Ben turns to see a fair-haired, bronzed California stereotype, looking like he’s just come from the beach. Ben can smell the salt in his sun-bleached hair. His eyes are a little pink and he looks stoned.
“Yeah, he is,” Ben says, taking another slug of his beer.
“You’re Ben Ballard, right? I’m Adam,” the guy says, sticking out his hand. Ben shakes it. “Maybe Xan mentioned me. We used to go out.”
“Oh,” Ben says. “No. I don’t think so.” But his mind is replaying every single thing Xander’s ever said about people he’s dated. Could this be…? “I’ve been seeing Xander for a while now,” he adds. “When were you guys –”
“Little while back,” Adam says, smiling his sunny smile. Ben feels suddenly compelled to break his teeth, but refrains.
“Yeah, no. Sorry. He hasn’t mentioned you.”
“Oh, well. I guess he still doesn’t like talking about his exes.”
Who fucking does, Ben wants to say, but after all, he set up a whole big thing and suffered through the cane just to find out about Xander’s exes.
Adam is chattering still, but for Ben the only important person in the room right now is Xander, who catches his eye across the room. Xander’s gaze flicks back and forth between him and Adam, and Ben sees a flash of recognition in Xander’s eyes, and their darkening. Xander pushes past people and arrives just as Adam is saying, “…and I heard he got that role on The Hunter.”
Ben has been nodding blankly, not listening but watching Xander his whole way over.
“Hello, Adam,” Xander says, but he’s still mostly looking at Ben.
“Hi, Xan. Long time.”
“I guess.” They all look at each other. Adam smiles again.
“Congrats about The Hunter,” he says. “I bet you’ll do great with that role. Well, I’ll leave you to it,” he says. “Enjoy,” he adds over his shoulder, walking away.
; “Was he bothering you?” Xander asks immediately.
Ben shakes his head. “Not really. He said you dated.”
“Yeahhhhh.”
Ben raises an eyebrow. “Are you really going to make me say it?” he asks.
“No,” Xander sighs. “Okay. Honesty Policy: that was the guy. Mr Four Months. Like I said, he’s a friend of a friend of a friend, so he pops up at parties from time to time. I think…I think he likes to make me uncomfortable.”
Ben considers his reaction. He decides that humor is the best way to deal. “He’s doing a fantastic job of it,” he says with a grin. Xander smiles back, but still looks uneasy.
Later, Ben sneaks off to the kitchen. Xander has been showing him off. In fact, if Xander says the phrase ‘my boyfriend,’ one more time, Ben is pretty sure that the other guests are going to gag him. He smiles to himself. It’s nice to be paraded, but only to an extent, especially for someone more introverted like Ben. And he still feels consciously apart from the gay crowd that gathers around Xander; he doesn’t get some of their jokes and hasn’t shared their experiences. He doesn’t begrudge them anything, but he wants some time alone, to relax, be Ben Ballard: Some Guy at a Party instead of Ben Ballard: Alexander Romano’s New Squeeze.
The kitchen is quiet, and he talks to a girl there for a while about the different hors d’oeuvres she had planned to make for the party, but didn’t. Ben finds himself saying that Xander would have liked the organic salmon on black bread rounds. You’re as bad as he is, he thinks, rolling his eyes internally. Can’t go a minute without mentioning his name.
“Ah, I’m too lazy,” the girl laughs. “That’s my problem. You want another drink?” Her name is Julie, or maybe Julia. She’s the girlfriend of the guy throwing the party.
“Nah, I’m okay,” Ben says.
“I’m going to brave the crowd again for a bit. My boyfriend gets annoyed if I skulk away from the people too much. I tell you, people have no respect for introversion in this town.” She smiles a goodbye.
Ben finishes his drink and looks at the clock. Joe still hasn’t turned up. He figures another half hour should be enough for Xander and then they can go. In fifteen minutes Ben will go back to the crowd himself and play Perfect Gay Boyfriend again for Xander. He smiles fondly.
The kitchen door swings open.
“Hi again,” says a voice.
Ben knows it’s Adam without having to look. “Hi,” he says briefly.
“Sorry about before,” Adam says, swinging himself easily onto the seat across from Ben. “I remember when we were going out, Xan didn’t like me talking to other guys.”
Ben looks at him. “Alexander doesn’t care who I talk to,” he says. It’s not entirely true, given that Ben is pretty sure Xander would prefer he not speak to Adam, but he’s not going to let this guy make insinuations like that.
“Must’ve changed,” Adam says, smiling that smile again that makes Ben’s knuckles itch. “That’s good news.”
“He hasn’t changed,” Ben says. “Why should he? He’s still –” He breaks off. Adam is excellent, it seems, at getting information. “He’s still who he is,” Ben finishes.
Adam frowns. “Sorry to hear that, man. When we broke up, he told me he was going to try to get some help.” He drops his eyes speculatively down the V-neck on Ben’s t-shirt, then looks at his wrists. Ben fights the urge to pull his cardigan sleeves down, even though there’s no mark on his wrists, not today. But the very fact that Adam is trying to see something so private is infuriating.
“He doesn’t need help,” Ben says shortly. He’s starting to feel the anger building up too much, like the times he took a swing at Xander. That thought helps him stifle it down to a manageable level. “He’s perfect just the way he is.”
Adam lets out an amused whistle. “Perfect? Wow, Xan’s really done a number on you.” He pulls a beer out of the fridge, drinks half down. Without asking, he grabs one for Ben too, and opens it before him on the bench.
“Anyway,” Adam says. “It’s none of my business.”
“You got that right.”
“I just worry about him.”
Ben stares at him, wondering if he heard correctly. “Well – the way I was told, you left him, so you can’t have been too worried about him.”
“You said he never mentioned me,” Adam says, smiling at the countertop.
“What do you want?” Ben asks abruptly. His adrenaline is starting to spike, and he really doesn’t want to disappoint Xander and start a fight. On the other hand, at least Julia (or Julie?) would be able to kick the guests out early. She’d probably thank him.
“Just got some advice for you,” Adam says. He leans forward on to his forearms on the bench, his muscles flexing as he does. They’re golden and sunny like the rest of him. “Xan likes to fuck with your mind as much as he does with your body. So be careful.”
Ben tries to read his face. It’s open, warm, blank as the sun. But Ben knows who he trusts. “Did he fuck with yours?” he asks Adam coldly.
He sees it then, the little manifestation of envy in Adam’s eyes. But it’s not the kind of feeling Ben had meeting Adam for the first time, it’s something more than that.
“Oh, I get it,” Ben says. “You wish you were like him.”
Adam’s mouth twists out of his smile for just a second. “No way, man,” he says. “No one wants to be like Xan.”
“I think you do,” Ben says. It’s a stupid conversation, but he can’t help it. “I think you wish you had as much self-acceptance as he does.” And if Adam calls Xander ‘Xan’ one more time, Ben is definitely going to lose it.
“Why do you think they picked him to play that psycho on TV?” Adam asks. Ben shakes his head, astonished at Adam’s complete lack of understanding.
But Adam smiles back, toys with his drink. “You’re just another boy for him to fuck up,” he says, his expression still pleasant. “Don’t start thinking there’s anything special there just because he kisses it all better when he’s finished.” Ben is taken aback by the sheer ugliness in Adam’s words, while his face remains as bright as a clear sky.
At this point, Xander himself walks in with Joe.
“– if you never return my calls or emails. Hey, there you are! I told him, Ben,” Xander says, grinning widely before he takes in the full scene. “About –”
“Get out,” Ben blurts at Adam. Adam raises his hands with a conciliatory smile, and leaves.
“Hey, Joe,” he says on the way out.
Joe nods, but doesn’t smile.
Only once Adam has left does Ben realize his hands are cramped and sore in tight fists. He sees Xander looking at them. “I really wanted to hit him,” he mutters at Xander.
“But you didn’t.”
“No. I didn’t.”
Xander hugs him from behind, drops a kiss on his head. “You’re such a good boy, Benjamin,” he says softly in his ear, so softly that Joe can’t hear.
“Hell, I’ll go punch him for you,” Joe says. “I always hated that guy. At least it looks like Xander has finally developed some taste in men.” He gives Ben a friendly smile, and Ben tries to communicate a take-down order with his eyes, but Joe gets distracted by food. He grabs some cold mozzarella sticks and, chewing, says, “So what the fuck? You guys have been together for months and I only find out now?”
Ben knows he’s quiet in the car on the way back to Xander’s place, but he can’t help it.
“What did he say?” Xander asks eventually.
“Just stupid things.” Ben shakes his head. “I don’t even want to tell you, they were that much bullshit.”
They drive on for another minute, but then Xander says, “Honesty Policy.”
“You’re invoking the Honesty Policy over that little shit?” Ben sneers. He really doesn’t want to tell Xander what Adam said, because he thinks it will hurt him.
“I’m invoking it because there’s a lot of stuff churning around in your mind that you aren’t telling me,” Xander s
ays. He pulls up outside Ben’s building.
They get out of the car, silent, and go into Ben’s place, silent.
Xander pulls him close and kisses him in the middle of the room. “Tell me,” he says.
“He implied that you were possessive, physically violent, abusive. That there was something wrong with you.” Xander nods. “He said you told him you were going to get help. When you broke up.”
Xander scrunches his nose. “I probably did say that,” he says. “I was trying to get him to stay. But I don’t really remember.”
“And he said that you fucked with his mind. Warned me that you’d do the same to me.” Ben shrugs. “If I remember any more I’ll tell you, but right now I’d rather forget about him.”
“Okay,” says Xander. He lifts Ben’s hands to his mouth and sucks on his fingers. “Thank you for restraining yourself,” he says.
Ben has to think a second before he realizes what Xander means. He laughs. “‘Thanks for not punching out my ex even though he’s a complete tool?’” he rephrases.
“Yes.” Xander kisses him and then pulls back. Takes a breath. “Adam…” he says, but that’s all he says.
“Is a fuckwit of the highest order?” Ben suggests.
“That’s not fair. I feel responsible.” Xander walks to the couch, sits down heavily.
“For him being a fuckwit?”
“Stop being so mean,” Xander says, but Ben can see he’s smirking despite himself. “And yes. Now sit down. I have to lay some Honesty Policy on you.”
Ben is nervous, but he doesn’t know why. And since he’s the one who instated the Honestly Policy, he has no one to blame but himself. “You don’t have to,” he says, but Xander gives him a withering look. “Okay, okay,” he concedes glumly.
Dared by Him (Rough Love Book 3) Page 3
