Cal’s ragged voice cuts off as his breath hitches. Something inside me I don’t recognize wants to hug him.
“Hey,” I say. “It wasn’t your fault. At a time like that, you have to protect yourself, right? Even if you’d stayed, I might’ve still ended up here and you would’ve gotten yourself killed for nothing.” My voice is softer than I expected. Why am I trying to comfort a rebel—and one who just tried to kill me last week? But there’s something nagging at me in the back of my head, something that says, I don’t want to see this person upset.
I don’t want to listen to it. Whatever kind of relationship we had before, he’s a stranger now. And an enemy. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable, so before Cal can reply, I say, “But then wouldn’t the military have known I was a rebel? They said they found me injured Outside. They couldn’t not have known I was an enemy. Why would they take me in?”
“Erik, no matter what, you can’t trust the military. I don’t know why they took you or what they had planned, but they knew exactly who you were. They were only using you.” Cal’s eyes are hard, his guilt and grief from a few seconds ago totally gone. The coldness in them chills my lungs. But no matter how much he looks and acts like a normal kid, he’s a high-ranking rebel. There has to be a reason for it. I can’t forget that.
It feels wrong that his words ring so true, though. Why would the military knowingly take in a rebel unless they had something planned? And then there’s my amnesia. Lai thinks a Nyte is responsible for that, someone whose gift can affect memories. Could the military have gotten someone to erase my memories so I’d join them? But why? I haven’t exactly done anything important for them since joining up. It doesn’t make any sense.
Cal abruptly stops in the middle of the street. I tense, reflexively reaching for the compressed weapon in my pocket, but he isn’t even looking at me. He holds out a hand to thin air—the same gesture Lai sometimes makes—with a concentrated expression like he’s listening to someone talk. Then he says, eyes still staring straight ahead, “I have to go. Sara is calling me.”
The rebels’ leader. My gut twists as I remember her sharp eyes cutting through me like the edge of a saw blade at that ambush.
Cal faces me again. “Erik, I’ve always thought of you like an older brother. You taught me so much, and you were always there for me. I miss you more than you can imagine. But I want you to be happy, whether you return to us or not. Be cautious. Choose what you do from here on out carefully.” He half-laughs to himself. “Well, you always choose everything carefully, so I guess that’s not saying much. But be safe.”
I can only stare at him. No one’s ever talked to me with such open care before. How can he be so earnest? He shouldn’t have even risked coming here. We’re enemies. Whatever we might have been before is over now.
Maybe for you, a voice whispers in the back of my head. You don’t remember being friends. But he still does.
“Thank you,” I manage to say without sounding weird. I think. “For everything.”
He smiles, but his eyes are tipped in sadness. “Yeah. Of course.” He holds out his hand to me. “You know, if you ever want to come back, you’ll always be welcome. I hope you do. I have a lot I’d love to talk about with you.”
I hesitate, but only for a moment, before taking his hand. “Yeah. Me too.”
I hate how much I mean that.
* * *
It’s getting dark by the time I return to our hideout. I didn’t mean to stay out all day, but after my talk with Cal, I couldn’t bring myself to go back. Especially not when there’s an irritatingly nosy mind reader I’m going to have to deal with. At least I picked up some more food and supplies for everyone, so it’s not like they can complain.
I can’t stop thinking about Cal. He said we were close, and despite myself, with the way he acted, I mostly believe him. That means he’d know a lot about me, right? Well, obviously not from before I joined the rebels—but what other kind of info does he have? What else could I learn from him?
But more daunting is seeing how much he really did seem to care about me. His concern felt real. He came all this way, risked discovery in enemy territory, just to talk to me—to answer my questions. So he could help me. He didn’t even want anything in return. When has anyone done something like that for me? I’ve never felt that kind of care even from my teammates.
No. It doesn’t matter. Cal’s a rebel.
So? a voice that’s louder than it should be asks in the back of my head. You think the sector’s in the right? They chased you out even after you stayed loyal to them, and then they made you a wanted criminal. Wouldn’t you have been better off going to the rebels? Wouldn’t you be better off?
Stop it. That rebel is just getting to me.
But the more I think about it, the more I wonder what I’m still doing here. The military and sector obviously don’t give a damn about me. Why should I care about them? Why should I fight for them?
Not that I’m fighting right now anyway. I just hide in a cramped apartment all day with a team that’s barely keeping it together. We can’t go anywhere; we can’t do anything. What am I doing? What am I supposed to do?
Right or wrong doesn’t feel so important anymore. I just want to do more than survive.
I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t notice Lai leaning against a building near our apartment until she says, “Erik. We need to talk.”
My head snaps up. She knows. Of course she knows. She told us before that she can’t turn her gift off—that she’s always hearing the thoughts of everyone around her whether she wants to or not. The best she can do is try to tune it all out. But even without that, she doesn’t really have any sense of privacy, even for her so-called friends.
“It’s not ‘so-called,’” Lai says stiffly. “You are my friend. You all are.”
“And that’s why you don’t feel any kind of need to leave our thoughts alone?” I shove my hands in my pockets. The bag of food constricts around my wrist.
She doesn’t argue. She just jerks her chin toward our hideout. “The others are waiting. But I wanted to ask you first whether you want to keep that rebel’s visit a secret or not.”
My hands clench into fists. I’m glad they’re in my pockets so she can’t see. “I’d think the answer to that would be obvious.”
She shrugs. “You’re not a very obvious person. More roundabout, I’d say.” She kicks off the side of the building she’s been leaning against and heads for the apartment. “But if you want it secret, I’ll keep it secret.”
I follow after her more slowly. “You’re not worried about it?”
She glances back over her shoulder at me. “Should I be?”
With Jay or Johann or anyone else, I’d lie. Well, maybe not Jay. His gift senses lies, so that’d be pointless. But with Lai, maybe because we’re both so similar or maybe because she can just read my thoughts and hear the truth anyway, I don’t feel like I need to hide myself. “I don’t know.”
She nods but doesn’t say anything. We don’t talk as we climb the stairs to the tiny apartment door and Lai knocks three times, waits a breath, then knocks twice. The same knock comes from the other side before Jay opens the door.
He steps back to let us in. “No trouble, I take it?”
“None,” I say. It’s just a crappy, temporary apartment, but being back hits me with a wave of relief. It’s the closest thing to “safe” I’ve got. Having my teammates around me again helps. Yeah, they bicker constantly, but damn, can we hold our own together. “It sounds like the Etioles are finally worried about the rebels.”
“About time,” Johann says with a snort. She stops sharpening the blades of her halberd to stand up. “Maybe if they hadn’t been so carefree about them to begin with, things wouldn’t have gotten this bad.”
“Yeah, ’cause I’m sure all the normal citizens’ opinions affect what the military can do so much.” I try not to roll my eyes. “It doesn’t matter what the people who aren’t in charge think.”<
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Johann’s about to reply, but Jay steps between us and takes the bag of food from me. “Now that we’re all here again, we need to talk.” He and Lai share a look that makes my shoulders tense.
“Talk? About what?” I ask. Was Lai just bluffing earlier when she said she’d keep Cal’s visit a secret? But then why go out of her way to ask me about it?
She catches my eye and shakes her head slightly. “There’s something I need to tell all of you.” She waves a hand at the floor.
Now Johann and I share a glance. We only sit on the floor to talk when we’re strategizing. Whatever Lai wants to say, it must have to do with our next plan of attack. Or she’s worried we’ll get angry enough to attack her and she wants to slow us down. And by us, I mean Johann.
But we all sit in our loose ring on the floor, and even Johann doesn’t ask questions. It’ll be faster to just let Lai get on with it.
“You asked me when we first got to this apartment how I knew about this place,” Lai starts, and stops, which is so not like her I almost ask if she’s okay. Her hands twist in her lap. “I said it was a friend’s place. That they’d be okay with us using it.” No one says anything. We all knew she was telling the truth, because for whatever reason she obstinately refuses to outright lie, but we also knew that it wasn’t the whole truth, either. There was no point arguing it, so we didn’t. Just like there’s no point saying anything now. But the silence looks like it’s getting under Lai’s skin. I try to bite back a smirk. Serves her right. “It is a friend’s place—well, more like a colleague’s, but—well, we belong to the same group. An organization called the Amaryllis Order, which seeks peace between the gifted and ungifted.”
“Amaryllis Order?” Johann repeats. Her eyes narrow, searching Lai’s face. “Never heard of it.”
“No,” Lai says, “you wouldn’t have. We’ve worked very hard to stay secret.”
“Wow, that sounds right up your alley,” I say.
Lai glares at me, but there’s none of her usual venom in it. “If the Council found out about us, they’d try to destroy us—or say we’re part of the rebels or something else ludicrous. They don’t want the gifted and ungifted getting along. If the gifted weren’t backed into a corner with nowhere else to go, not as many of us would join the military—which would be disadvantageous for them. Hence the Order’s secrecy. At least until we’re strong enough to hold our own against both them and whatever the rebels might try if they take an interest in us.”
“Why would the rebels have any interest in your upstart group?” Johann asks. For once, she’s asked a good question. I can’t imagine the rebels, who have their hands full with a war, would even notice some small ragtag group calling for peace. It’s a little late for that anyway.
Lai’s lips tighten. “Because the leader of the rebels helped found the Order, back when we were … friends.”
Friends. Ha. Lai already told us all about how she and Sara Ellis, leader of the rebels, used to pal around with some other guy named Luke. They were all soldiers in the military together. Apparently they were inseparable—until two and a half, three years ago, when Luke killed himself and Ellis stormed off on her own to start the rebels. But that war-hungry rebel leader helping start some peace group between the gifted and ungifted? I can’t imagine it. If I didn’t know Lai doesn’t lie, I’d call her out on something so ridiculous.
“Look, I know how it sounds,” Lai says. I’m probably not the only one with doubt in my thoughts. “But she was different before the rebels. I don’t think she ever really believed peace would come between Nytes and Etioles, just like I didn’t, but we followed Luke and gave it our best shot. She might not take any interest in us at all now—I just don’t know. But that’s not a chance we can afford to take.” She waits to see if any of us will say anything. When we don’t, she goes on. “We’ve grown a lot stronger since the time Ellis was a part of us. We’re enough of a force to do something now. Something real. We just have to be careful about it. And careful who we tell about us.” Her dark blue eyes flick to each of our faces. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. The Order means everything to me. All that I’ve done for the last three years, I’ve done for them. I didn’t want to do anything that could jeopardize our group, or my friends.”
“And you thought telling us might do that?” Johann asks. “What did you think we were going to do—go scream about it all over the sector?”
Of course Johann would get angry. But expecting Lai not to keep secrets is like expecting Etioles to suddenly get along with Nytes. I’m just happy she decided to tell us at all. Because where there’s some secret group that gave us this apartment to hide in, there’s a place to go. To be safe. To do something again.
“It was just a precaution,” Lai says stiffly. Her back straightens, and it’s obvious she’s having a hard time holding back her own anger. I swear, these two will go off on each other for anything these days.
I look to Jay to, I don’t know, share some kind of exasperation, but his expression is carefully neutral. Something about the way he’s sitting—lowered chin, eyes sharp, shoulders drawn in—makes me realize he hasn’t said anything.
“You knew about the Order, didn’t you?” I ask.
Lai and Johann both put their anger on hold to look at me, then Jay.
But Jay isn’t like the rest of us. He doesn’t get defensive, doesn’t try to hide. He meets my eyes. “Yes. Lai told me a few weeks ago.”
Johann explodes to her feet. I resist the urge to yank her arm to get her to sit back down. It’s not like I want her temper turned on me. “So you told Kitahara about all this, but not the rest of us? You thought we were, what, less trustworthy?”
“You and Erik were both keeping important information secret,” Lai says. “That does tend to make one less trustworthy.”
Fire sparks from Johann’s fists—literally. “I can’t believe after all this time, you would—”
“Trust you with the thing that’s most important to me?” Lai says. “Yes, thank you, I’m glad you appreciate the gesture.”
Before Johann can drag this out any longer, I say, “I can’t imagine you’d suddenly tell us about the Order without a reason. We’ve been here for a few days. Why now? Because our investigation at the warehouses failed?”
Lai’s eyes drop, but only for a second. “Partly, yes. We need a new plan. Something that lets us move forward.”
“So you want us all to go to the Order,” I guess.
“Yes. Well, no.” She glances quickly at me, then away again. Her being so on edge creeps me out. “I want most of us to go to the Order.”
A stunned silence fills the room.
“You want to leave one of us behind?” I have a bad feeling I know who she’s got in mind.
“No, not leave behind,” Lai says with a shake of her head so furious I actually believe her. She finally looks at me directly. “Erik. Before you lost your memories, you were a rebel.”
The tips of my fingers freeze. “Thanks for the reminder. I was. Emphasis on the past tense there.”
“But what if you went back?” she presses. “I bet they would accept you. They’d probably be glad to have their friend back.”
“You’re suggesting Erik return to the rebels?” Jay demands. It’s not exactly every day you hear Jay lose his cool, and him getting angry for me makes me kind of happy. It also makes me relieved to hear he wasn’t in on this crazy idea. “You can’t be serious.”
Lai holds up a finger. “If Erik went back, he’d have the chance to learn more about his past. Right now, we don’t have any idea how to get his memories back—but he could at least talk to the people who used to know him and who could give him clues. More clues than he’ll get by just sticking around here.” She holds up a second finger. “And he could act as a spy for the Order and tell us what the rebels are up to.”
I don’t know what throws me off more. The blunt truth about the dead end I’ve hit for finding out about the past I can’t remembe
r coming from someone else’s mouth, or the idea that Lai wants me to risk my neck spying on the people who apparently used to be my friends. Cal comes to mind. The way he looked up at me, how happy he was when I asked about our past friendship. Something like anger boils in my blood. She’s seriously saying I should go back just so I can help her stupid Order? Despite everything that would mean for me?
Luckily Jay speaks before I can. I don’t know what I would’ve said, but it wouldn’t have been good. “Lai, that’s insanely dangerous. If the rebels caught Erik, he’d be killed—and that’s assuming they’d even accept him back in the first place. We need to stick together if we want to stop this war, not separate for suicide missions.”
“We have nothing on the rebels right now,” Lai says. She lifts her chin that way she does when she’s digging in her heels about something. Which is almost everything. “We don’t know where their bases are, their numbers, the weaponry at their disposal, what they’re planning—we don’t even know what they stole from those warehouses. For all we know, it could be a weapon dangerous enough to destroy the entire sector in one go. We have a shot at getting a pair of eyes and ears inside not only their troops but their core of leaders.” Lai looks at me again, and this time, she keeps her eyes locked on mine. She has to know what a mess my thoughts are, but she doesn’t show it. “Ellis said you used to be her right-hand man. I know her; she can’t stand losing those close to her. She’ll want things between you to go back to how they used to be. Which means she’ll keep you close by and well informed, as you would have been before. And she’ll tell you everything you want to know about your past because she’ll want you to remember.”
When I don’t say anything, she says quietly, “I know how it sounds. I know it’s incredibly risky—and selfish of me to even ask. But this could be a chance to turn the war before it’s even really begun. It gives us an in, and it gives Erik a chance to learn more about his past. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
That last question is for me, but now I’m the one who can’t look at her. Because even though it is ridiculous, risky, and way too thin a plan, and even though I’m mad at her for trying to use me for her own purposes, I can’t deny the flare of hope that jumped up my throat when she suggested it. I’d already been thinking about the rebels and my options when I came back tonight—and Lai knew it. She’s giving me a way to get what I want without betraying our team or the innocent people the rebels are out to kill.
An Outcast and an Ally Page 3
