An Outcast and an Ally

by Caitlin Lochner

  “We need a way to reassure everyone,” Fiona says.

  “Reassurance before going into battle will only sound like a naive lie,” I say. “I’ve been in the military long enough to know that. We have to be honest and painfully blunt with everyone upfront.”

  “Doing it like that isn’t exactly going to encourage support,” Fiona says.

  “Giving everyone a false sense of security will only backfire on us later when, surprise, surprise, we start losing people and money from spending what little funds we have on this.” I cross my arms and dare her to contradict me. “What we need is to convince everyone it’s worth the risk. To convince them that the outcome is worth the sacrifices.” Again, Jay’s words come back to me, hauntingly clear. The end justifies the means. That’s really what you believe?

  Stop that, I tell myself. This is different. This is war. Of course sacrifices will have to be made. Sacrifices have to be made to accomplish anything worth doing. And winning peace is worth it.

  “I think what we need,” Peter says quietly, “is for the Order to hear from Walker.”

  * * *

  The assembled Order members—all 1,384 of them—still as Walker strides across the stage of the main hall. Silence descends, although it more closely resembles the calm in the eye of a storm than any real sense of peace.

  “I want to thank everyone for coming tonight.” Walker’s lightly accented voice echoes through the huge hall even at a normal volume. “It has been a long, fraught few weeks. I’m sure you’ve all heard many things over the past few days about the Order’s next move. I would like to clarify that for you now.”

  No one speaks. Waiting. Just as before.

  “All of us in charge of running the Order have agreed that joining the war against the rebels is our best chance of bringing true peace to the sector—to both gifted and ungifted.”

  A few raised voices, quickly hushed by their fellows. Wait until the end. Let’s hear what she has to say first.

  My heart hammers against my chest. This is our only chance to get things right. Everything has to be perfect.

  “I know many of you have concerns about this direction,” Walker continues. “And rightly so. We were founded on ideals of peace, and I have no intention of discarding them. However, ideals are only that. Without action, they remain an unattainable fantasy. To win true peace, we must defeat those who threaten our home. I am not suggesting a full-frontal attack of any kind. Our strikes will be quick, designed to hit hard in the most effective places with minimal risk to our members.”

  A pause to allow for anyone to speak up if they wish. Silence.

  “It is perfectly acceptable if you do not wish to participate in this war. There will be deaths. There will be sacrifices in every way imaginable. We will certainly not force this onto anyone, and we will not accept anyone under the age of fourteen as part of our fighting forces. You can leave the Order if you so wish—although I hope you will stay and support those of us who choose to fight.”

  Walker’s voice rises, filling every crevice and corner of the immense hall. “If our aim is truly peace and understanding, then we cannot sit idly by while others fight and risk their lives to protect this sector. Not when there is something we can do to help. If you wish to see a future where everyone can live freely together, then we must put an end to those who seek to destroy us and our homes. We must fight, and we must win.”

  The last words are barely out when a roar of cheers fills the hall. Most of it comes from those who already supported joining the war—but a surprising amount comes from people who’d been hesitant, now wrapped up in the energy of the people around them and the sense that this is right.

  Walker bows deeply to the sea of people, then disappears offstage into the room where Fiona, Trist, Syon, and Peter are already waiting.

  “Well?” Fiona asks. “We have the Order’s backing. What’s our next step?”

  I release my hold over her power crystal, and with it, the illusion of Walker falls away from me. Just as easily as I removed the illusion, I shed the Sector Four accent I grew up with. “Those two rebel bases our scouts found about a month ago,” I say. “Pull all the information we have on them.”

  9

  ERIK

  TWO WEEKS WITH the rebels, and it feels like I’ve been here for ages already. After the first few days, everyone stopped being so cautious around me. When I walk through the makeshift town, kids run up to me and start blabbering like I know who they are. I get dragged into games of ball, talks of the sector, and storytelling sessions about my past. It doesn’t sound like I was close with any of the gifted in the town, but they tell me about raids we went on together, how everyone looked up to me—still looks up to me, by the sounds of it. It makes me uncomfortable. Especially when I know I’m betraying all these people looking at me with shining eyes.

  I try to leave a gaggle of kids as politely as I can—“Sorry, I have to go; I’m going to be late meeting Gabriel”—but I barely make it fifteen steps before someone else pops up to chat. Seriously, how does anyone ever get to where they’re going around here?

  But eventually—finally—I make it to the spot I’m meeting Gabriel, where he’s already waiting. Once he sees me, he lifts a hand and smiles slightly. My heart misses a beat. Whenever he smiles, the left side of his mouth always lifts a little higher than the right. It’s way too disarming. “Good to see you,” he says.

  “You too,” I say lamely. Come on, idiot. Come up with something better than that.

  We start walking down the haphazard paths. Gabriel stopped using his cane earlier this week, but he’s still pretty slow. Or deliberate, I guess. He might be one of those so-called limitless Nytes who can use their gifts without ever seeming to risk a fallout, but it still takes a toll on him. Little wonder. Everyone and their mom must want a power crystal that neutralizes other Nytes’ gifts, and making so many must take a lot out of him. Lai told me about this other “limitless” Nyte, a guy in the Order called Syon. He has endless control over energy, but at the cost of his emotions. Any slight feeling could send his power spiraling out of control. Gabriel’s price for unlimited power is his physical constitution. I don’t know which sounds worse.

  “You didn’t have to come with me, you know,” Gabriel says as we stroll along. Today he’s delivering two of his power crystals to some rebels before our group meeting with Ellis later. I asked if I could tag along to get a better sense of the town’s layout, and he said sure. But honestly, I just wanted an excuse to hang out with him. “You’ve actually already got a good sense of the area, don’t you?” He’s sharp. “I’m sure you have better things to do.”

  “I wanted to come,” I say with a half shrug. “I’m happy you let me join you.”

  He raises an eyebrow. Was I too obvious? But the left side of his smile lifts a little higher, and he says, “Well, I’m glad you’re here. Have you managed to settle in all right?”

  I hold back a sigh of relief as I tell him about the woodshop in the main office, getting used to always being hungry, and training with Cal.

  Cal is obviously my best bet for learning more about my past, and he’s the easiest to talk to and be around, so I’ve been spending most of my time with him. Before I knew it, we were doing just about everything together. He’s happy to tell me about the old days, but whenever he describes the past me, who genuinely hated the sectors, the ungifted, and maybe just about everything, it feels like he’s talking about a total stranger. I like to think the current me has more of a passive-aggressiveness toward everything.

  Other than Cal, the only person I hang out with is Gabriel—and I definitely don’t mention how much I like being around him. He said we weren’t close when I was with the rebels the first time, and it’s obvious after a few questions he really doesn’t know much about the me from back then. But even though talking to him won’t help me, I still find myself drawn to him. I tell myself it’s just because he’s nice. Nice in a way that isn’t because we used to be goo
d friends. He doesn’t look at me like he’s waiting for the old me to return. With him, there’re no expectations, no demands. I actually enjoy being with him. I find excuses to spend time together.

  As far as I can tell, he isn’t trying to decide whether or not I can be trusted, either, which is a huge improvement from all the other leaders except Cal. I can actually feel sort of normal around Gabriel. And forget that I’m stabbing him and everyone else in the back as I sit in my room at night and send telepathic reports on the rebels’ plans to Lai. But of course, I don’t actually say any of this to him as we walk through the streets, stopping every once in a while to say hi to the kids we pass.

  When Gabriel gives his power crystal to the first rebel on our delivery route, she almost cries. The second guy won’t stop hugging Gabriel and thanking him. I have to drag him away since he’s too nice to say he needs to go himself.

  “You really should take it easy on the power crystals,” I say. “You’re going to need that cane permanently at this rate.” And the more neutralization crystals the rebels have, the harder it’ll be for the Order and military to fight them.

  “You, worried about someone?” Gabriel asks. “How rare.”

  Heat floods my face. “I worry about my friends. Doesn’t everyone?”

  It’s the first time I’ve called anyone here a friend aloud other than Cal, but Gabriel doesn’t mention it. “Even when you’d been with the rebels for years and you had your memories, you didn’t show concern for others. If someone died, they were just a casualty of the cause. Everyone knew that about you.”

  Everyone knows this, everyone knows that, but no one knows anything that’s actually important. I’m getting tired of the constant analysis of my past self—even if that’s what I came here to learn. The more I hear about this former Erik, the more sick of him I get.

  “Look, whoever that guy was, I’m not him anymore,” I say. “I’d appreciate not having to hear any more comparisons from everyone.”

  Gabriel’s slanted smile disappears. “I didn’t mean to make you angry.”

  “I’m not angry.”

  We walk for a few steps in silence before Gabriel says, “I’m sorry. I knew you lost your memories, but I didn’t think you’d be a different person. I guess I assumed your personality would be the same as before. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “You didn’t.” My heat is already fading. It’s hard to stay annoyed when someone is being so genuinely apologetic. “Not really. Being here is just … a lot. Everyone expects me to be someone I’m not, and then they act all surprised when I’m myself. Plus, I’m not really a fan of this past Erik everyone apparently liked so much.” My nose scrunches up. “I wish people here preferred the current me.”

  “I prefer the current you,” Gabriel says. He says it without hesitation but not like he’s just saying it to reassure me, either. He sounds like he means it. Which, okay, is how he always sounds, but it still throws me off. “If you acted like the old Erik, I wouldn’t hang around with you so much. Probably not at all. I didn’t really … agree with some of your past viewpoints.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like wiping out all the ungifted.”

  I stop walking. Gabriel keeps going a few steps before he realizes I’m not beside him, then he stops, too.

  “Are you sure you should say something like that?” I can’t believe any rebel, let alone one of the top commanders here, would ever admit to not wanting to kill the ungifted. Isn’t that the rebels’ whole shtick? I am very, very aware of Ellis’s butterfly in my shadow watching and listening to me and my surroundings at all times. “Isn’t that the whole goal of the rebels?”

  “Sara is aware of my opinions, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He sounds amused. “We go further back than the rebels. When she first set out to start the group, I tried to talk her out of it. She didn’t listen.”

  “So then you decided, what, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em?”

  “No.” Gabriel starts walking again, and since there’s no point just standing around some temporarily deserted, slapped-together piles of wood, metal, and worn toys, I follow him. “Once the rebels became a formidable force, I was worried. I came to see what Sara had built and to try to get her to stop this before it was too late—but then I saw all the children.” He sighs. “As it turned out, the rebels weren’t just a fighting force but a place for homeless gifted children to take shelter.”

  He stops again, in a slightly more populated area. A few kids about as tall as my knees chase one another around a burning firepit. A teenager sitting by the fire keeps a close eye on them, occasionally moving to stop the kids from getting too close to the flames.

  “I was still against the rebels,” Gabriel says. “But Sara wouldn’t back down. And I knew if the military found or beat the rebels, they’d treat everyone here as a traitor. Even those too young to fight. Since I couldn’t find what I was looking for in the sector anyway, I decided to stay here to help protect the kids.” His eyes lock with mine. They send a chill down my arms. “And to keep trying to convince Sara to stop all this.”

  “And she’s okay with that?” I ask. “She doesn’t really strike me as the type to keep around someone who’s constantly questioning her decisions.”

  “Like I said, we go back much further than the rebels’ time,” Gabriel says. His eyes drop to the ground. “She wasn’t always like this. But grief over a close friend’s death changed her and brought about her desire for revenge against the sector. I suspect she doesn’t get angry with me because of our history.” He almost smiles, but the expression looks painful. “Or maybe my gift is just so useful that she’ll put up with me if it means she can use it for the rebels’ sake.”

  I almost ask about the friend’s death and Ellis’s revenge, but I don’t. It’s obvious Gabriel’s upset, and while I don’t normally care that much about others’ feelings if they’re in the way of me finding out something important, I meant it when I said Gabriel’s a friend. Maybe not a super-close one, especially since I’ve only known him for a couple of weeks, especially since I’m betraying him and everything he cares about here, but I like him. He’s sincere and honestly cares about others. And he doesn’t want war with the Etioles.

  “I don’t think Ellis is the kind of person who would keep someone around just because their gift is useful,” I say. There’s a weird sort of pressure when Gabriel looks up at me. Is he hoping I’ll say something that’ll set him at ease? My pulse beats in my ears. Don’t mess this up. “She definitely wouldn’t make you one of her top leaders if she didn’t trust you or want you around. Yeah, you keep questioning her. But maybe she wants that. Maybe she thinks it’s better to have someone who won’t just agree with everything she says. Maybe there’s even a part of her that hopes you will convince her to stop all this.” I hope so, at least. That would make everything so much easier. But it all sounds nice anyway, and it has enough of a ring of truth that it could be possible.

  Gabriel cracks the smallest lopsided smile in the world. “Maybe you’re right. Even if you aren’t, it doesn’t change what I have to do.”

  Not the most optimistic response, but I’ll take it.

  “Come on,” I say. “We should get to the meeting about that upcoming raid. We’ll be late if we don’t head there soon.”

  “Yeah.” Gabriel’s expression returns to its normal unreadable preset, but it feels like there’s something different now. Or maybe the difference isn’t in how he looks. My pulse still beats too loudly in my ears. “Let’s go.”

  * * *

  Other than digging around about my past—and finding out that no one knows about my time pre-rebels and quickly getting frustrated with that—my time here has involved a lot of meetings. I still don’t know how the rebels get in and out of the home base, and I haven’t asked in case it gets anyone wondering if there’s a reason I want to leave. There isn’t, other than wanting to see the sun again and taste the slightly fresher air of the Outside—but
I don’t need any unfounded suspicions when there are so many possible founded ones lying around. So I’ve been stuck underground. Which means attending planning meetings, scouting meetings, supply meetings, and every other type of meeting there could possibly be. Ellis asks me to come to all of them, and since there could be useful intel for Lai and the Order, I always accept. It’s not like I have anything else to do, anyway. I’m starting to go stir-crazy down here.

  We always convene in Ellis’s office for these meetings. The rebel leader herself sits at her desk with a map in front of her. Ellis—who keeps insisting I call her Sara every time I see her—is probably my second-best bet for learning about my past, but I only go near her when I have to, so I haven’t seen her much other than meetings. She gives me the creeps.

  Cal waves as soon as I open the door and gestures for me to sit beside him on the dusty couch. Devin slumps against the wall behind Ellis’s chair. He doesn’t acknowledge my existence. We haven’t talked since I returned. Joan stands straight as a beam in front of Ellis’s desk, hands clasped behind her back. Her eyes flick to me and she nods in greeting. She’s been distant and cold, but never outright mean. She’ll answer just about any question I ask, but never in detail and always while giving me the feeling she really doesn’t want to talk about it. Gabriel moves to the armchair across from the couch, and then we’re all in our usual positions.

  “Since everyone’s here, let’s get started,” Ellis says. Unusually brusque for her. Her eyes don’t leave the map. Her fingers trace a line drawn over it in thick black marker.

  She goes over the plan to attack an armored supply truck on its route to another sector. Most of us have heard it three or four times by now, but she’s changed a few details since last time, like which exact point we’re going to strike based on the scouts’ report on the terrain, and exactly how the team Joan is leading will make a coordinated attack with their gifts. I make mental notes to relay to Lai tonight.