“It should be relatively straightforward,” Ellis says. “We haven’t attacked this route since it changed course, so they shouldn’t have any reason to expect we know the new course or that we’ll be coming.” Her eyes flick to Joan. “I’ll be counting on you.”
“I won’t let you down,” Joan says. The way she says it, there’s no way I’d believe she could fail. That is, if not for the fact that I know the Order is going to launch their first counterstrike against the rebels during this raid.
“There’s one last thing.” Ellis’s eyes move to me, and for a second, I’m terrified she heard my thoughts just now. “Erik. I want you to go with them.”
“What?” It takes a moment to sink in through my paranoia. “Me? Why?”
“You must be going crazy stuck down here, right?” Ellis asks. She smiles at my expression, whatever it is, and knows she’s right. “You came back to us. You should be allowed to fight with us. You want your chance for revenge against the sector that so ruthlessly discarded you, right?”
Desire for revenge? Maybe against the High Council, since they’re the ones who accused me of being a traitor, but I don’t have anything against some Etiole truck drivers who’re just doing their jobs. They’ve never done anything to me. But I can’t say that. So I force a smile that I hope matches hers. “You know me too well. I’m looking forward to it.”
10
AL
AFTER TRAINING FINISHES, Trist tries to get me to talk to Lai—again. But this time, he doesn’t give me a choice, telling me I need to report the trainees’ progress to her.
“You’re not good at being sneaky, Trist,” I say. “I know what you’re trying to do.”
“I never said I was trying for sneaky,” he says.
“We haven’t been able to hold an actual conversation in weeks. Me reporting stats to her isn’t going to change that.”
“No,” Trist says. He looks back over his shoulder at some of the trainees who stayed behind to keep practicing drills. My chest swells with pride at the sight of them. I’ve only been teaching for two weeks, but I like it. More than I thought I would. “But it will give you at least a chance. You two don’t even try to speak with each other now.”
I bite my tongue. How does this guy manage to pick up on so much about other people when he’s swamped with work for the Order? “Fine.” I try not to snap it. “I’ll report how everyone’s doing. Just don’t get your hopes up about anything else happening.”
“I don’t understand you two.” Trist shakes his head. “You both know you would be happier if you made up, but you both continue this fight. Why?”
“It’s not that simple.” She’s lied to me about way too much for way too long, even though it was obvious I trusted her. I was responsible for her friend’s death. There’s too much betrayal, too much hurt we both caused. A couple of words aren’t going to fix that.
“Maybe. But it could help if you talked.”
I don’t say I doubt it, because he would just come up with another Trist-ism, so I say, “I’ll keep it in mind.”
But with the look he gives me, I know he gets what I’m thinking. “Take care, Al. Do not worry overly. There are enough worries as it is.”
* * *
I find Lai with Jay and Seung in one of the strategy rooms the top brass usually meet in. Jay sees me first. He smiles and waves, and I wave back with relief. Lately, I feel more relaxed when he’s around.
Lai and Seung don’t look up from the map they’re writing on. “It won’t work if they come up from behind us,” Lai is saying. She arcs a line across the paper. “It would destroy the whole formation, and we already know they have a Nyte with the gift of teleportation. That means anyone could have teleportation power crystals. It’s too risky.”
“All the plans are too risky,” Seung says dryly. “Lai, there will never be a perfect foolproof plan. And certainly not for a fight against Nytes.”
I watch as Lai’s grip on her pen tightens so hard her knuckles go white. Her lips press together into a hard line. “Again. From the beginning.”
I cough. Seung looks up, but Lai’s eyes don’t leave the map.
“I came to report on the combat training’s progress.” My voice sounds stiff even to me. Come on. Just gotta get through this.
“Can we talk about it later?” Lai still doesn’t look at me. “I want to get our plan of attack finished first.”
“It could help you plan your attack if you have a better idea of your fighters’ abilities,” I say.
“I can’t imagine anyone has improved so much since Trist’s report last week that it would alter how we plan our attack.”
“You don’t know that.” Even though she’s right, her impatient dismissal makes my blood boil. Why does she have to say it like that? Can’t she just take two seconds to listen to me and then get back to her planning?
Finally, Lai spins around to glare at me. “I do know that, Al, and even if I didn’t, I know you’re only here because Trist asked you to come and not because you think you have information that could change the tide of our first fight. So just wait.”
“Could you not just go into my head whenever you feel like it?” I snap. My boiling blood starts to catch fire. “You ever hear of something called privacy?”
“Why don’t we just take a step back?” Jay asks. He comes to stand between me and Lai, hands raised in peace. “Everyone’s on edge right now with how busy things have become since the Order decided to join the war. You’re both tired. Let’s just—”
“No,” I say. “No, no more let’s just deal with this later—I want to deal with it now. Fight me, Lai.”
Seung’s eyebrows shoot up and Jay’s jaw drops, but Lai’s eyes harden. “I thought you’d never say it. Let’s go.”
“Wait wait wait,” Jay says. “This is a terrible idea. You both merely need some time to calm down—”
“Jay, this isn’t going to be solved with time,” Lai says. “We’ve had time.”
“Took the words straight out of my mouth,” I say.
Jay looks like he’s going to keep protesting, but Seung comes around and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t bother, Kitahara. Some idiots only know how to speak with their fists.”
Jay looks at all of us, but he’s not going to find any allies. His shoulders slump. “I can’t believe you’re both doing this right now.”
“No time like the present,” I say. “Let’s go.”
* * *
None of us want to draw a crowd, so we head to a private practice room. There’s plenty of space to move around for a fight. Better yet, no one else should stop by.
Even though I was tired from training the Order members, adrenaline replaces my exhaustion now. It only takes a glance at Lai to tell it’s the same for her. She’s looked dead on her feet for the last few weeks, but there’s no sign of that now. Just a fire burning in her eyes that I haven’t seen in a long time.
“You wanted the fight,” she says while we stretch, “so what’s your condition for winning?”
I could make it a first-hit-wins fight. That would make it easier, faster. But I don’t want this to be fast. “Whoever falls to their knees first.”
Her smile sharpens. “Don’t regret that later.”
“Are you really doing this?” Jay asks. I guess he couldn’t stand to leave us alone because he and Seung ended up tagging along. “There are so many other things we need to be taking care of right now. And what if one of you gets hurt?”
He looks to Seung for support, but she just shrugs. “I only came to watch Lai get her ass handed to her.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Fiona,” Lai says dryly.
“Anytime.”
“Are we ready or what?” I ask.
Lai’s eyes flick to me. Nothing about her changes in an obvious way, but it feels like she got sharper, angrier. Good. “Ready when you are.”
That’s all the invitation I need. I charge her, not caring about her never-strike
-first rule or how she might’ve been expecting that from me. I just want to give her a solid punch to the face.
She sidesteps—of course—and I spin around to face her as soon as my punch misses, but she’s ready. She swings at my head. I duck and her knee comes up to my face, but I block it with a cupped hand and aim a fist at her exposed stomach.
She jumps back and I follow. She tries another kick, but this time when I duck, she whips around for a punch. I deflect it off the side of my arm and try to aim my fist at her chest, but she slips away before it can connect.
It’s a game of cat and mouse for a while. We both lunge and evade, but I can tell she gets tired of that real fast—just like me. Our swings become heavier and less controlled, and even though I know I’m flagging, I can’t make myself focus enough to recover. Get your shit together, Al. You’re going to lose if you keep this up.
And I would rather face an army of rebels alone than lose to Lai right now.
“You really care that much if you lose to me?” Lai asks as she blocks another of my punches. “It didn’t used to matter which of us won or lost.”
“That was before I wanted to beat the shit out of you.”
She falters and my next hit does land, sending her stumbling back across the rough stone floor.
If it was the normal Lai, the girl who could keep her cool in a fight and was never so easily pushed off balance, it wouldn’t have made any difference. But this angry, tired, reckless Lai? I’m able to land a fist to her stomach before she can recover.
I hear all the air leave her lungs in a rush as she gasps, trying to breathe. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do that,” I snarl as I land a kick on her ribcage, sending her staggering back. “How much I’ve wanted to wipe that conceited look off your face for the last three weeks. You always think you’re right—that you know best, that whoever’s trust you step on along the way is simply collateral damage. You never think about anyone but yourself.”
She doesn’t fall, just stands there clutching her stomach. Her dark eyes burn into me with a fire that’s been smothered for a long, long time. Longer than we’ve known each other.
“You don’t know anything,” she hisses. Even though she’s still struggling to catch her breath, she rushes at me with a series of quick punches. I block them, but they keep coming. “You think just because we’ve been friends for a couple months, I should trust you with everything about me? Even the things that could put the people I care about in danger? If you really trusted me like you say you did, you would’ve waited until I was ready to tell you about everything and been understanding—you would’ve been a real friend.”
Now I falter. Her fist catches my jaw and sends me reeling back, but she follows after with a kick to my stomach before I can recover, similar to how I nailed her.
“Maybe if our whole friendship hadn’t started with you blackmailing me and reading my every thought,” I say, but the words come out as a wheeze. Pain rips through my stomach, but I ignore it as Lai keeps coming.
I throw my arms up to block her next hit as she says, “Funny how the blackmailing didn’t bother you as much before you found out I learned your secret by using my gift. We weren’t even friends then—why should I have held back? You use your gift to your advantage all the time—why shouldn’t I?” There’s no obvious opening in her hits. They keep coming faster, but also messier. “Why should I be judged for using my gift when other Nytes use theirs to help themselves all the time? What gives you the right to be angry at me for doing the same thing you do? I’m sorry my gift and methods aren’t as noble as yours—”
Her voice cracks, and in the same instant, her next punch misses. I grab her arm and swing her around, letting go as I fling her at the ground. She throws an arm out to catch herself before she hits the floor, but I’m right behind her.
“You think this is just about your gift?” I aim an uppercut at her jaw, but she dodges. I keep pushing forward. “Your gift doesn’t explain all your secrets—and you know what, fine, yeah, you didn’t have to tell me everything up front, but after I opened up to you? After I told you everything? You couldn’t even tell me a part of the truth?” I kick at her ankles in frustration, but she just jumps over my foot and aims a punch at my face. “What part of our friendship was real, Lai? Was any of it?”
“If it wasn’t real, I wouldn’t have been so afraid to tell you the truth.” One of her punches slips through and strikes me full in the chest. I whip around to fend off her next blow. “I wouldn’t have been so afraid you’d leave me if I told you everything. I wouldn’t have spent so much time with you or laughed with you or genuinely wanted to fight together with you. I wouldn’t have gone back for you that day. Paul wouldn’t have died because of me.”
Tears run down her face. I hesitate, but she keeps swinging, so I keep dodging and trying to find an opening of my own. It comes when she swings too far and I land my knee in her side. She falls back, breathing hard, but stays standing, fists still up.
But I can’t bring myself to maintain my own stance. I just stare at her. “What do you mean Paul died because of you? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I’m the one who told Paul and Peter to follow me back for you,” Lai says. Her breath is coming up short, and I can’t tell if it’s because of our fight or her crying. She wipes her arm angrily across her eyes, but the tears don’t stop. “They didn’t even know you, but I—” Her fists clench, and she races at me again.
This time, I can see that the anger in her eyes isn’t for me. Was it ever? My own anger has disappeared like a fire doused by ice water all in one go, and now I wonder why I couldn’t see before what I can see right now.
Lai’s swings aren’t just mad—they’re desperate. She was so defensive about her gift. So clearly afraid of telling the truth—she admitted as much herself.
For the first time, it hits me that it wasn’t that Lai didn’t tell me about her gift or some of her other secrets because she didn’t trust me, but because she felt too much self-loathing to do it.
But that just makes me angry again. I catch her fist and land a blow against her jaw. She falls back and I follow, both of us swinging and blocking and ducking. “That’s what I mean when I say you didn’t trust me,” I half-shout. “You thought I’d leave once I knew the truth? You didn’t trust me to stick around after that? Why do you get to decide that? And you really think Paul’s death was your fault?” Lai hesitates, but I don’t take advantage of the opening. “I was the one who went back for my own selfish reasons. You did what any good friend would’ve by trying to stay together. You even went back for me. His death was my fault—not yours.”
We both stop moving, breathing hard and watching each other, but neither of us moves to continue the fight.
I have no idea what Lai is thinking. I know she knows exactly what I’m thinking, which is both infuriating and oddly relieving for once, because I don’t have to try to put my feelings into words to get her to understand.
“Paul’s death wasn’t the fault of either of you,” Seung says quietly, breaking the heavy silence. I forgot she and Jay were here. “He died at the hands of the rebels. You’re both idiots for trying to take the blame for that instead of putting it where it rightfully belongs.”
Neither of us look at her. Lai’s still breathing heavily, but she isn’t crying anymore, which is good, because I don’t know how to handle crying.
She finally straightens and looks at me. The anger from before is gone, replaced by something duller. “I’m sorry, Al. For everything. I … I’m a terrible friend. I always have been. I don’t trust people, and I definitely don’t trust them to stick around once they know more about me. When we became friends, I knew you were good.” She laughs. “And I’m definitely not. I thought our friendship wouldn’t actually last, so I enjoyed it while I could, knowing it’d end once I told you the truth. Once you realized how awful I am.”
“You’re not awful, Lai.”
She closes her eyes
. “I am. I’m not saying that for your pity, but because it’s true. There are still things I haven’t told you, things that I’ve done. There are probably things I’ll never tell you. That’s who I am.”
“It doesn’t have to be. You can be whoever you want.”
“That’s the thing, though.” She opens her eyes. “I don’t hate being like this. I’m okay with who I am. I know I’m terrible in a lot of ways, but I don’t want to change. I can survive like this. I can do the things I set out to—I can thrive because I’m like this. But that doesn’t mean I’m blind to how it affects the people around me. I don’t blame the people who choose to leave, but I don’t want the people who remain to try to make me change, either.”
I don’t know what to say. This is probably the most honest Lai’s ever been with me—probably the most honest she ever will be with me.
I let out a long, low sigh and straighten. She watches me. She doesn’t give it away easily, but I know her well enough to tell she’s nervous about what I’ll say.
“Then I guess,” I say, “I’ll just have to learn to be friends with you as you are.”
Lai blinks. Stares at me. Blinks again.
“Oh, thank gods,” Jay says from behind me. His footsteps drum across the floor as he runs over to us. “Is this done now? Are we finished? Because you both look awful and exhausted. Well, more exhausted than before.”
Lai laughs. She sounds more surprised than anything. “We’re done, Jay.” She holds out a hand to me with an uncertain smile. “Well, since neither of us got the other to her knees, call it a draw?”
I look at her hand and then at her with raised eyebrows. I grab her arm and pull her into a hug. “How about we say we both won?”
She tenses at first, but she’s quick to hug me back. Tightly. I’m worried she’s going to start crying again, but she just laughs. “Yeah, okay. Definitely a win.”
An Outcast and an Ally Page 11
