“And then you went and joined the rebels.”
“There were a few steps before that.”
“Why?” I demand, but I don’t know what exactly I’m asking, and now tears are streaming down my face and that makes me even angrier because I’m not sad, he hasn’t won, I’m just pissed. But I don’t know what or who I’m mad at.
He watches me with that sad look again, and I scrub my arm across my eyes to get rid of the stupid tears. Suddenly it feels like the ground has been ripped out from under my feet. Everything I’ve done these last nine years has been to find my brother—to kill him—and now that I’ve finally caught him, it’s to discover that everything I thought I knew might’ve been a lie. If what he’s saying is actually true, I don’t know where that leaves me.
I don’t want to deal with this right now. I can’t deal with this right now. I need time and facts—but more importantly, there’s something else I need to be doing.
I stand up off of him. “Take me back.”
“What?”
“Take me back down there. My friends need me.”
His eyebrows crease together. He sits up slowly. “Alary, you’re hurt. The Order—they’re not going to win this one. You could die.”
“I’m not going to abandon my friends. They’re dying while we talk. If there’s something I can do to save them, I will.” I stare him down, remembering Paul, thinking of Jay, still fighting—hopefully—and of all the Order members I came to know who are trying to hang on right now.
He hesitates. “I don’t want to put you back in the middle of danger.”
“I’ll go even if you don’t. And if you try to stop me, I will kill you.” I should kill him now—he’s a rebel—but I still don’t know what I want to do about that yet.
I glare at him, and he watches me with that damned unreadable expression he’s always had. Finally, he sighs. “I won’t be able to save you again.”
“I wouldn’t want you to.”
“You’re sure about this?”
“I won’t die. I’m stronger than you think.”
The corner of his mouth quirks. “I know. You’ve always been stronger than I think. Which is saying something, because I’ve always thought you were the strongest person I know.”
Unexpected pleasure hits me. Which is not something I want to be feeling right now, from him, during this disaster.
He sighs. “All right. Tell me where you want to go, and I’ll take you there. But that’s all I can do.”
“That’s fine,” I say. “But you better be ready. Because I won’t hesitate to kill you if I see fit the next time we meet, Gabriel.”
22
LAI
WE’RE LOSING. BADLY.
I tried to call a retreat, but there’s nowhere to run. Rebels at our backs and pouring in from every side. It’s all I can do to keep together the group of Order members I’ve managed to rally around me. The longer we fight, the more of us fall. My heart twists every time I see one of my friends on the ground, unmoving, no thoughts coming from them. From those who are still alive, panicked thoughts pound into my head, each one more frenzied than the last. When one of them abruptly disappears, my heart misses a beat and my breath catches and won’t come back.
This is all my fault.
It’s hard to breathe. I swing my spear and keep fighting, but I know we can’t win. There are too many of them. They trapped us perfectly.
My fault.
I kill anyone standing in my way, fueled by guilt and uncontainable grief. If I just keep moving, I can hold it all off. If I just keep killing the people who are killing my friends, I can stave off everything.
A break in the crowd of rebels reveals exactly who I was both hoping and dreading to see. Ellis, plunging her way through our remaining numbers toward my group, her sword like a shadow of death.
My calls of retreat must’ve given me away as the Order’s leader. Even from this distance, I can tell Ellis’s eyes are locked on me. Everything moves in slow motion. Will she attack my group first or go straight for me? I won’t lose anyone else. I refuse.
Ellis reaches us. Her eyes flash and I yell, “Fall back!” as I rush forward to meet her. I don’t look to see whether my friends listened to me.
My helmet’s visor hides my face. Ellis won’t know it’s me—just how I want it. How I need it.
We run at each other. Her sword connects with my spear, and the clang of metal on metal resounds around us. My arms shake with the force of both our swings.
“Thought you were clever, didn’t you?” Ellis asks through our crossed weapons. Her voice is soft, deadly. “Sorry, but this is where your meddling stops.”
I don’t answer as we break apart. When she runs for me again, I remember when she first taught me how to fight with a spear, positioning my elbows so they weren’t in so tight, fixing my footwork, smiling hugely when I was finally able to get it all right at the same time.
Now, her sword comes swinging at my side. I block with the shaft of my spear and try to aim a kick at her side, but she slips back and comes in for another strike.
Luke and Sara and I sitting in that old storage closet, ignoring the outside world, our responsibilities as soldiers, just talking. Just being friends.
I’m too slow to sidestep her sword. The blade nicks my side. She pursues the opening with an upward thrust of her sword, but I spin around behind her and bring my spear down on the back of her leg. She manages to dodge in time, but I feel my blade graze her.
Going to my and Sara’s room after Luke’s death, after we found the letters he left us, me crying. But not Sara. She just looked at me, blank as death, like she couldn’t understand my grief. The fury that burned in her eyes when she left the military.
Our weapons cross, and we keep pushing and pulling, back and forth, streaks of flashing metal.
Sara telling me that fighting was like dancing, really. Stay light on your feet and strong. Remember your balance. “There, see? You can do it.”
I shout as I thrust my spear toward her, blind with rage or pain or guilt—everything the same, everything overwhelming, pressing down on my chest, suffocating, dying—but I lunge too far.
Ellis ducks beneath my shaft, and when she comes up swinging her sword, the blade cuts straight through my right arm above the elbow.
I don’t register it at first. I don’t even feel it. I look at where the rest of my arm used to be, where empty space suddenly exists, and then it slams into me like a building’s weight all at once. I scream as I fall to my knees, unable to stand it, everything converging, blurring and crushing in its intensity. Electrifying pain explodes over the remains of my arm. Black edges my vision.
Reflex takes over. Eight years of military training kick in as I rip my belt off and use my one good hand and teeth to wrap it around my arm. I pull the strap with my teeth until it’s so tight it hurts before I manage to fasten it. It feels like watching a stranger apply the tourniquet.
Ellis stands in front of me; she doesn’t even try to stop my attempt to save myself. Triumph radiates off her. “Well, well, well, looks like this is the end of my pest problems. Any last words, Ms. Leader?”
I choke on everything in me that doesn’t have words. I failed. I led everyone into this trap, and I couldn’t even beat Ellis. I couldn’t do anything. Everyone is dying, and it’s all my fault.
Ellis raises her arm for the final blow. I can barely keep my eyes open through the pain.
But as her sword falls, someone rushes in between us.
Ellis’s eyes widen as her sword overpowers Fiona’s and cuts through her instead of me.
“No!” someone screams. I realize, in the seconds that last forever as Fiona falls, that it was me.
I rip my helmet off before I grab Fiona with my one arm. I cradle her toward me, the tears already falling, maybe falling even before Fiona was struck. I’m dimly aware of Ellis still in front of me, but then someone else is there fighting her, people are fighting around me—but I don’t h
ave it in me to care about what’s happening.
“No,” I whisper, choking on the word. “No, no, no. Why? The Order needs you. You needed to lead them after this.”
Fiona gasps for breath and coughs. She tries to smile, but it just comes out as a grimace. “Didn’t I tell you already? I’m replaceable. You? You are the Order. It can’t exist without you.”
I can’t stop crying. Everything is too much. It’s all one huge nightmare as the blood flows from Fiona’s chest into the dusty ground beneath us, flowing against my arm as I hold her to me. It’s too deep. I know even without looking, because I know Ellis, and I know her blow was meant to kill.
Fiona reaches up and grabs my shoulder with such intensity I think maybe she’ll live after all. “Lai, listen to me. No, listen. You can’t die here. Everyone needs you. You have to make it out, no matter what.”
“I need you, Fiona,” I whisper. “You were always there. You’ve always kept everything together. The Order doesn’t need me—I need it. All I ever did was support it from the shadows. I can’t do this without you.”
Her grip tightens on my shoulder and I wince. “You’re wrong,” she hisses. “You built everything the Order is—the foundation, the support—you’re everything. Everyone needs you to lead them. Without you—” She coughs. Her hand falls away from me.
I cry even harder. “Don’t go, Fiona. I can’t do anything without you.”
“That’s a lie and you know it.” Fiona tries to smile again, but all I can see is the blood. “But … I did enjoy being friends. You know I love you, right?”
“I love you, too, Fiona.”
“Good. Sorry, Lai, but I’m going to meet Luke and Paul first. I’ll tell them you said hi.”
“No!” I yell. Even to me it’s barely intelligible through my crying. The grief and guilt are crushing my heart to dust. I can’t do this. This isn’t real. We can still save Fiona, if we can just get her out of here, we can—
But Fiona’s breath shudders out and nothing more follows.
23
ERIK
I SEE LAI fall. Everyone around her and Ellis’s fight had stopped to watch. There was something mesmerizing in the way the two of them moved, twisting, strong, deadly graceful. They’re so fast nobody tries to jump in to help either of them. They’d just get in the way.
Come on, Lai. Win. Live.
But she lost her cool and went too far. The balance broke. Ellis took her right arm and then it was over. She would’ve taken her life, too, if Seung hadn’t jumped between them at the last minute. Ellis froze when Lai threw off her helmet and pulled her friend to her.
No. This isn’t how everything was supposed to go down. This isn’t happening.
I don’t know what to do. My feet won’t move. It’s like my body forgot how to function.
But then Devin races toward the still-frozen Ellis and defeated Lai, sword pulled back and murder in his eyes, and I don’t have to think. I run.
I barely make it in time to block Devin’s sword as it comes swinging down on Lai. I push my way between them and dig my feet in, shoving against Devin with everything I’ve got. Panic and adrenaline give me extra strength. I manage to thrust Devin back, away from Lai. I glance behind me to check on her, but she’s hunched over Seung, talking to her. I can’t look at her arm.
“What are you doing?” Devin yells. His sword drips blood as he points it at me. “That’s the Order’s leader—we kill her, we’ve as good as destroyed them.”
I don’t answer. Just lift my sword in grim defense.
“I didn’t want to believe it,” Ellis says from behind Devin. She’d been staring emptily at the ground, but now she looks up at me with heavy eyes. “I was so relieved when my butterfly never caught you doing anything suspicious. But the information leaks—the timing was too much. Especially when I told so few people about our plans.”
Cal and Joan have appeared from out of the crowd to stand behind Ellis. Gabriel materializes with Lesedi’s teleportation crystal. They all stare at me. Confused.
I can’t bring myself to look at any of them. Especially not Gabriel or Cal. I don’t want to see the moment they realize.
Ellis laughs humorlessly. “I should’ve known. It really was you, wasn’t it?” She jerks her chin toward Lai. “I forgot how useful Lai’s gift can be for communicating secretly. You have a power crystal from her, don’t you?”
My grip tightens around my sword hilt. “I tried to get you to stop.” My voice comes out way more strained than I expected it to. More than I want it to. “To call for peace. We don’t need to waste lives like this. There are other ways.”
“You mean it’s true?” Cal asks. He takes a step forward, but Joan catches his arm so he can’t go any farther. The betrayal written all over his face crushes the air out of my lungs. “You’ve been selling us out this whole time? But I thought—we welcomed you back—we’re friends—”
“I’m sorry, Cal,” I whisper. Even though this place was a battlefield just seconds ago, everything is dead quiet now. Everyone’s watching. “You are my friend. But I was never on your side.” How hypocritical is that? It sounds stupid even to me—but it’s true. Or at least, I want it to be.
Everything in his expression shuts down. Gabriel keeps staring at me like he can’t figure out what I’m saying. Joan’s eyes fall, but Ellis’s harden and Devin just laughs. “I told you,” he says. His voice rings in the air. “I told you he couldn’t be trusted!”
And then he charges. My heart twists more than it should at everyone’s reactions—I knew I was betraying them, I knew they’d find out eventually—but I hold my sword ready and steel myself. I won’t let things end here like this. And I’m sure as hell not about to let myself get killed by Devin. Like I’d ever give him that satisfaction.
But before he can strike, a wall of fire blasts between us. He keeps running straight through it, untouched, but when he swings his sword, it hits the shaft of Johann’s halberd. He shouts and tries to push through, but Jay comes up behind him and thrusts one of his knives at Devin’s open back.
Devin whips around to strike at Jay, but Jay’s fast enough to avoid Devin’s angry swings. And as soon as his attention’s on Jay, Johann comes up on his side for another attack.
Devin hisses in pain as her blade catches his arm. He retreats a few steps.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved to see two people in my life. When they turn to face me, my eyes burn. I didn’t think I’d miss them so much, but now that they’re here in front of me, it takes everything I have to hold back my exhaustion from the past few months’ charade and not collapse against them. I can’t even get the words out.
“Glad to finally have you back,” Johann says. She looks tired, but the fire that’s always burned in her eyes seems to grow brighter. “Now we all just need to get out of here.”
Devin lifts his sword again with a sneer. “We’ll see about that.”
Joan and Cal step forward to back him up. Gabriel just watches, still looking lost, and I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze even though he’s trying so hard to get me to. Ellis closes her eyes, and when she looks up again, she’s back to usual herself. Her sadness is already gone. She’s hard as steel once more.
I tense. There’s no way the three of us can beat the four of them—not while protecting Lai, too. More Order members are gathering around us, but they’re beat. We all are. We’re not going to make it.
Devin takes a step forward.
A girl materializes out of thin air in front of the rebels. Lesedi, the head scout. “Sara—the military is on its way.”
Ellis freezes. “What?”
“A huge force—fully armed, headed straight here, maybe ten minutes away. There’s enough of them that we’ll take heavy losses if it turns into a fight—we wouldn’t be able to escape without them following us back to base, either. We need to go.”
Lesedi finally looks around and blinks. She has a bad habit of popping up in the middle of things w
ithout checking the situation first, but for the first time, I’m glad for it. Her attention stays on me, standing with the Order members, before she turns back to Ellis.
Everyone’s watching the rebel leader. No one on our side moves, waiting for the trick.
Finally, Ellis looks up. Her eyes are on me when she says, “Fall back.”
“What?” Devin demands. “Are you kidding? We can wipe out the Order and a traitor right here and now! There’s nothing stopping us from taking them out for good!”
“No. We’ve accomplished what we came to.” Ellis has already turned her back on us as she walks away. “Our friends are injured, and we won’t stand a chance against a fresh military attack force. Besides, the Order is already as good as dead. We’re going.”
“But—”
“Did you not understand?” Ellis’s voice drips venom. “I said, we’re retreating. If you choose to stay and fight alone, I won’t mourn your death.”
Devin hesitates, but not for long. He throws one last murderous glare at us before reluctantly joining Ellis, along with Cal and Joan. None of them look back. Gabriel is still trying to get me to meet his eyes, but I can’t. Seeing the betrayal on his face might just break me. Finally, he goes, too. The rebels around us slowly follow after, others spreading word to those who’re still fighting that they’re retreating.
As soon as the immediate threat of danger passes, Jay kneels by Lai. “Lai, can you hear me?” He’s already checking the improvised tourniquet and tightening it further.
She doesn’t answer.
I look at Lai and Seung’s body still in her lap, and at the massacre around us, and I wonder where I went wrong. I should’ve known this was a trap. I should’ve never told Lai about it—or I at least should’ve told her she shouldn’t plan a counterattack. I was careless.
The looks of betrayal on Cal’s face and confusion on Gabriel’s flash behind my eyes, and I choke back something I can’t put a name on.
An Outcast and an Ally Page 21
