With the return of my senses comes more awareness of the pain. I gasp as I try to move, and fire ignites in my arm—no, what remains of it. The fight. Ellis. Fiona.
The force of the pain is almost too much. I can’t differentiate the physical hurt from the emotional. I feel myself slipping back, but Jay’s grip on my shoulder tightens almost painfully, and he says in a strained voice, “Lai, stay with us. Please. Please.”
“My fault,” I whisper, but I can’t tell whether or not I actually said it or if I just thought it. By the stricken look on Jay’s face, I must’ve said it. “I—”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Jay says forcefully. “You couldn’t have known.”
“Shouldn’t’ve gone,” I whisper. Jay’s face is losing focus again. “Alvaro. Sierra. Markus. Hugh. Maya. Ori. Fiona.” My breath catches in my throat. I didn’t think I was crying, but Jay gently wipes tears from my cheeks. “Fiona. Fiona.”
I cry. I cry like I can’t remember ever crying. Not even when Paul was killed. Not even when Luke died. The pain in what remains of my arm can’t compete with the weight crushing my chest.
Everything is abruptly starker and more real than it’s ever felt. Like everything up until this point was just a video I was watching, occasionally directing, but mostly keeping my distance from on the other side of a monitor.
I can’t stop crying. For once, I don’t try. There’s too much. Everything washes over me, and I struggle to keep my head above it all, to keep breathing, because each gasp for air is a thousand pieces of shattered glass scraping against the inside of my throat down into my lungs, piercing through my chest.
Jay holds me close to him. The warmth of his body is too much, too hot, burning me, but I don’t pull away. Then Al is hugging us, too, and Erik’s arms wrap around us all.
As I dissolve into my grief and pain, it feels like they’re the only things keeping me anchored in this world.
26
JAY
IT TAKES SOME time for Lai to calm down. Once she does, she looks so exhausted I’m somewhat surprised she doesn’t go straight back to sleep. But she sits up and leans against the wall. Her eyes watch us, but they’re flat. “How long?”
“Three days,” I say. I still can’t believe she’s awake—she’s okay. She’s alive. It pushes away my exhaustion better than sleep could. “Things are keeping together relatively well. Clemente and Peter have taken over with reorganizing and getting supplies from around the sector for those who were injured. Everyone’s doing what they can.”
“And Ellis?”
“The rebels haven’t moved since they ambushed us.”
“They might’ve dealt us a heavy blow, but we took down a good number of them, too,” Al says. “It’ll probably take some time for them to recover before their next attack.”
Lai doesn’t say anything.
“So?” Erik asks. “What now?”
Lai blinks at him like she doesn’t understand.
“I mean, what’s the Order’s next move?” he clarifies.
“Erik,” I say in soft warning. “She just woke up.”
“No,” Lai says. “This is important. The Order can’t wait for me. It shouldn’t have to.” She takes a moment. I wonder if talking so much is hard for her right now. She looked like she was in a lot of pain earlier. My gut twists at the memory of her screaming, struggling to breathe, crying uncontrollably. Most of her minor injuries have already healed into scars, adding to her extensive collection, but even with a Nyte’s extraordinarily fast healing, her arm must be in agony. I wish there was something I could do to take away her pain.
“I’m resigning as leader of the Order,” Lai says.
We all stare at her. No one speaks right away.
“What?” I finally croak.
“It deserves someone better than me.” Lai’s eyes are on her hand, her fingers twisted into the sheets of her bed. “Someone who won’t lead them into the ground.”
“Lai, that’s nonsense—”
“I can’t fight like this anyway.”
“Lai!” I shout. Erik and Al both flinch, but Lai doesn’t so much as glance at me. That she refuses to do even that cuts at me. “Lai, you can’t take all of the blame for this on yourself. And even if it was your fault—so what? You’re just going to give up and walk away because the Order suffered its first defeat?”
She doesn’t reply.
“This is war.” I feel my voice getting hotter the more I speak, but I can’t stop it. I don’t want to. “You knew what this would be like going in. Did you think the Order could get by without a single loss? Were you really that conceited? And now that things didn’t go exactly as you planned, you’re just going to quit? Abandon all the people who are still relying on you?”
“What am I supposed to do?” Lai snaps. Finally, something like life returns to her eyes. Even though I’m angry, that spark pushes relief through me. “Who’s going to follow me after I led everyone straight into a trap? I couldn’t even take down Ellis. They all lost friends; so many of them were there—they’re not going to believe in someone so weak. This is for the best for everyone.”
“You truly think losing their leader on top of everything else is for the best?” I demand. “You’re merely wallowing in your own self-pity. You’re blaming yourself for everything that went wrong because it’s an easy out. I thought you were the kind of person to see something through to the end—but you’re only running away.”
“Jay,” Al hisses.
It’s not as though I don’t understand. Lai’s lost her arm and one of her oldest friends, has been unconscious for three days, and has barely been awake for ten minutes. However, I can’t just ignore this. If I don’t speak my mind now, what if this new resignation sets in? What if she truly begins to believe what she said and steps down?
This isn’t the Lai I know. The Lai I know would never give up so easily. She’d already be asking for details on what the Order’s been doing to recover and giving new orders to help it move forward. She’d push herself despite her injuries until we all forced her to rest. That’s who she is. That’s what I love about her.
But now, Lai won’t even acknowledge me. She keeps staring down and remains silent.
I’ve been holding everything inside me together these last few days for her—for the hope that she’d wake up, that we could keep moving. Now, something inside me breaks.
I stand up. “Clemente and Peter told me they wanted my help when I was available. I’d better go see them.”
When Lai still doesn’t speak, I leave without looking back.
I don’t make it far down the hall before Al’s voice follows me, asking me to stop, and then her hand catches my upper arm and makes me stop.
“Jay,” she says. “Look. I get it. But right now, we need to stick together. Lai needs us. She needs you most of all—you’re one of her biggest supporters. She could use some support right now.”
“Yeah.” It’s only one word, but it’s hard to get out. All I can think of is how easily Lai just gave up—how she wouldn’t even look at me.
“So?” Al asks.
“I don’t think I can do this right now, Al.”
“Of course you can. I know you can.”
I meet Al’s eyes, but it feels like a mistake as soon as I see the trust burning there. I have to look away. “It’s just—Lai is how I always wished I could be. Strong. Confident. Determined. I … I thought she was invincible. Not that she couldn’t be defeated by anyone but that she’d keep going no matter how many times she lost. Seeing her just give up…”
“She’s only human, Jay,” Al says gently. I’ve never heard her speak that way before. “We all have our moments when we want to give up. And she just lost a lot at once. Of course she’s hurting. Of course she thinks it’d be better to stop now before she loses anymore.” She puts a hand on my shoulder. “That’s why she needs us to remind her there’s still plenty to keep fighting for.”
It takes several heartbeats for
me to corral everything inside me under control. Finally, I sigh. “I need to apologize to her.”
“Nah,” Al says. “I think it’d mean more to her if you explained why you were so upset. C’mon. Let’s go back.”
27
AL
I DRAG JAY back into Lai’s room, but only about a minute has passed, so everything’s the same. Erik’s head snaps up when we walk back in, and relief practically rolls off him like smoke. Jay doesn’t say anything as he stands by the door, but at least he’s here. The last thing we need is for our team to fall apart as soon as it’s together again. Especially when Lai needs us so much right now.
“Lai,” I say. She doesn’t look up at me. I need to get her back on her feet—or at least stumbling on them. “What do you think the Order’s next move should be?”
“I don’t know.” Her voice sounds as tired as she looks, but there’s a hard, mean edge to it. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Because of one loss?” I ask. “Don’t get me wrong, it was a terrible loss—you lost your arm, your friends. That’s hard. I get that. But you lose badly once, and suddenly you don’t know anything? Come on, Lai. You’re tougher than that. You’ve been through a lot of shit and never given up. Why is this time different?”
She doesn’t answer right away, but I don’t get the feeling she’s not going to reply, so I wait. Finally, she says, “It feels like I’ve gotten this far by just ignoring all my shortcomings. I could pretend they didn’t exist and keep going. But I can’t pretend not to see them anymore. I can’t stop feeling them.”
“That sounds like a good thing to me. Trying to ignore your weaknesses never leads to anything good. Now that you know, you can work on them and try to fix them.”
She shakes her head. “There’s too much,” she says quietly. “There are too many things I’m lacking in. I’ve never thought Luke made the right choice in asking me to lead the Order. I took the position because I wanted to fulfill his last wish, not because I thought I was good enough, and now I have to face the fact that I’m not. I can’t just keep leading everyone to their deaths because of my selfishness. That’s not fair to anyone.”
“Lai,” I say, “you really think everyone would’ve come this far with you if they didn’t believe in you as a leader? It takes a lot to convince someone to follow you—especially into a war. But everyone here—they really look up to you. They love you. They believe in you. I believe in you. That’s not something a person can get just by being selfish.”
She finally, finally looks up at me, and her expression is so vulnerable my voice softens reflexively. “Besides, if selfishness is really all that got you here, I don’t think you would’ve made it this far. I don’t know what it is that drives you to do so much for the Order or what got you here in the first place, but I don’t think that’s all that’s moving you forward now. You might not’ve noticed it yet, but you’re fighting for a lot more than you think. There’s no other way you could’ve made the Order into what it is today.”
I jump when Lai starts crying again. She looks down. Then, so quietly I can barely hear her, she says, “Thank you, Al.”
I really am bad with crying people. But I sit next to her on the bed and wrap my arm around her shoulders, pulling her into me until she’s crying into my shoulder. Erik and Jay come to stand beside us. “Anytime, Lai.”
* * *
The next couple of days crawl by. Lai barely leaves her room. She doesn’t ask how things are going in the Order, but I can tell she wants to. She hasn’t brought up quitting being leader again, but she hasn’t taken it back, either.
Peter, Trist, and Syon rushed over to see her as soon as they heard she was awake. I felt like I was intruding when the three of them burst into the room and ambushed Lai in tearful hugs—and I could tell Erik and Jay did, too. We made up an excuse to leave before they started talking.
Jay’s keeping busy. Peter has pretty much replaced Fiona as the Order’s co-second-in-command with Trist, and Jay’s basically filling the captain position Peter left behind. The three of them and Syon are always talking to people, trying to calm everyone and arrange for more medicine, more food, more everything.
The mood of the Order itself is weird. Everyone’s in a state of mourning, but maybe thanks to Jay and everyone’s early intervention, there’s this sort of understanding that they need to keep moving, too. Trist and Peter called a huge meeting of the Order soon after we all got back from the ambush, to relay news and try to rally morale, but since then, nothing big has happened. I think they’re waiting for Lai. I think we all are.
But Trist and Peter’s waiting feels different. When I talk to them, they’re so sure Lai will come back around. “You’ll see,” Peter says one time when I ask him about it. He’s obviously beyond tired, but he actually smiles. “Lai always pulls through. She just fell down a little harder than usual and needs more time to get back up. But she’ll come ’round.”
I wish I could be that confident. I believe in Lai. I know she can pull through. I just don’t know if she wants to—and that’s the biggest thing.
When I get exhausted doing the few things I can right now—which mostly involve running things from place to place and asking people if I can help and then running some more for the errands they give me—I go find Jay. I need him right now.
He’s not with Trist or Peter, so I go down to the Order’s vegetable plots. Sure enough, he’s there, squatting at the edge of one of the small fields and looking out over the sprouting greenery. From the blank look in his eyes, I doubt he even sees it. I’m surprised that Erik’s sitting with him.
They both look up as I walk in. “Hey,” I say. “Thanks for inviting me to the party.”
“It’s a pretty lame party if you ask me,” Erik says. He tries to give his old carefree grin, but it looks so fake it hurts. “But you’re obviously welcome to join us.”
I sit on the other side of Jay, and no one says anything for a long time. For some reason, that feels better. I thought I wanted to talk, but sitting here, I realize I just wanted company. I don’t want to think about whether Lai will pull through or not, because I don’t want to think about what’ll happen if she doesn’t. I don’t want to try to talk because whatever comes out would just feel fake. So I stay with my teammates, and we support one another the only way we can right now. By being there.
28
ERIK
IT’S AGES BEFORE I can see Lai without any of her other friends around. Okay, so a couple days. But it feels like forever with everyone rushing around while I have nothing to do. I offer what info I can about the rebels, but it’s nothing I haven’t already told Lai at some point in the last three months.
Being here in Regail Hall for the first time ever is weird. Lai described it to me before, but it’s nothing like actually being in the underground tunnels myself. It’s hard to get used to. Having Jay and Al around helps. But the rebels’ underground base was one huge open space—none of these maze-like halls. And all the strangers walking around. I feel like an outsider. I’d mostly gotten used to the rebels’ faces. Guess now I have to start over from scratch again.
At least I don’t have to worry about Ellis spying on us. I’d wondered how it’d work with her butterfly snooping around in my shadow, but I forgot that that part of her gift only works if she has the person’s permission. When I retreated with the Order a few days ago—definitely thinking I did not want the butterfly around—I saw it shoot out of my shadow like it was ejected. So that’s something good, at least.
Jay was also telling me about some guy named Noah in the military. Apparently we used to be friends before I lost my memories. But for the first time, I’m sick of faces from the past I can’t remember. Right now, I don’t want to know anything about him or what he knows about me. There’s enough crap going on in the now.
Once I finally get to see Lai, just the two of us in her room, I don’t know what to say. She looks way better than she did when she first woke up. But t
he dark smudges under her eyes are even worse than before, and I have a hard time ignoring her missing arm. The last time I met Lai in good shape was when we all said goodbye and I went off to the rebels. She was a hell of a lot more confident then. I used to always be annoyed by that confidence and her stubbornness, but right now, I’d give just about anything to see some of that come back.
“So,” I say. “How’re you feeling?”
“Better.”
“Really? ’Cause I kind of have my doubts.”
“Don’t you always?”
“Only when they’re warranted.” I smile.
After the smallest pause, she returns it. “I’m sorry I dragged you into all this, Erik. I shouldn’t have put you in such a hard, dangerous position. Especially when I knew you’d be betraying your friends over there. But I’m glad you’re okay. And back with us.”
Cal and Gabriel’s faces flash in my memory. The smile takes more effort this time. “It’s good to be back. But I knew what I was getting into when you made that offer. It was my choice. And I don’t regret it.” I hesitate. My voice lowers. “Except at the end. I should’ve told you not to plan a counterattack. I knew Ellis was plotting something, but I—”
“You had no way of knowing she’d trick you and most of her other trusted friends,” Lai says. “That she would lie to all of you is what threw everything off. You couldn’t have known.”
“And neither could you,” I say. “So stop blaming yourself for it already.”
She just stares down at her hand.
“Everyone’s waiting for you, you know. It doesn’t matter if you can’t fight or whatever right now. Everyone just wants to see you up and at ’em and spewing your usual arrogance again.” I roll my eyes. “Even I can’t believe how much I want to hear your spiel of invincibility.”
Lai cracks a grin, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Things must be really bad if you of all people are saying that, Erik.”
An Outcast and an Ally Page 23
