Lawrence Block - The Burglar Who Dropped In On Elvis
From "The Collected Mystery Stories"
"I know who you are," she said. "Your name is Bernie Rhodenbarr. You're a burglar."
I glanced around, glad that the store was empty save for the two of us. It often is, but I'm not usually glad about it.
"Was," I said.
"Was?"
"Was. Past tense. I had a criminal past, and while I'd as soon keep it a secret I can't deny it. But I'm an antiquarian bookseller now, Miss Uh-"
"Danahy," she supplied. "Holly Danahy."
"Miss Danahy. A dealer in the wisdom of the ages. The errors of my youth are to be regretted, even deplored, but they're over and done with."
She gazed thoughtfully at me. She was a lovely creature, slender, pert, bright of eye and inquisitive of nose, and she wore a tailored suit and flowing bow tie that made her look at once yieldingly feminine and as coolly competent as a Luger.
"I think you're lying," she said. "I certainly hope so. Because an antiquarian bookseller is no good at all to me. What I need is a burglar."
"I wish I could help you."
"You can." She laid a cool-fingered hand on mine. "It's almost closing time. Why don't you lock up? I'll buy you a drink and tell you how you can qualify for an all-expenses-paid trip to Memphis. And possibly a whole lot more."
"You're not trying to sell me a time-share in a thriving lakeside resort community, are you?"
"Not hardly."
"Then what have I got to lose? The thing is, I usually have a drink after work with-"
"Carolyn Kaiser," she cut in. "Your best friend, she washes dogs two doors down the street at the Poodle Factory. You can call her and cancel."
My turn to gaze thoughtfully. "You seem to know a lot about me," I said.
"Sweetie," she said, "that's my job."
***
"I'm a reporter," she said. "For the Weekly Galaxy. If you don't know the paper, you must never get to the supermarket."
"I know it," I said. "But I have to admit I'm not what you'd call one of your regular readers."
"Well, I should hope not, Bernie. Our readers move their lips when they think. Our readers write letters in crayon because they're not allowed to have anything sharp. Our readers make the Enquirer's readers look like Rhodes scholars. Our readers, face it, are D-U-M."
"Then why would they want to know about me?"
"They wouldn't, unless an extraterrestrial made you pregnant. That happen to you?"
"No, but Bigfoot ate my car."
She shook her head. "We already did that story. Last August, I think it was. The car was an AMC Gremlin with a hundred and ninety-two thousand miles on it."
"I suppose its time had come."
"That's what the owner said. He's got a new BMW now, thanks to the Galaxy. He can't spell it, but he can drive it like crazy."
I looked at her over the brim of my glass. "If you don't want to write about me," I said, "what do you need me for?"
"Ah, Bernie," she said. "Bernie the burglar. Sweetie pie, you're my ticket to Elvis."
***
"The best possible picture," I told Carolyn, "would be a shot of Elvis in his coffin. The Galaxy loves shots like that but in this case it would be counterproductive in the long run, because it might kill their big story, the one they run month after month."
"Which is that he's still alive."
"Right. Now the second-best possible picture, and better for their purposes overall, would be a shot of him alive, singing 'Love Me Tender' to a visitor from another planet. They get a chance at that picture every couple of days, and it's always some Elvis impersonator. Do you know how many full-time professional Elvis Presley impersonators there are in America today?"
"No."
"Neither do I, but I have a feeling Holly Danahy could probably supply a figure, and that it would be an impressive one. Anyway, the third-best possible picture, and the one she seems to want almost more than life itself, is a shot of the King's bedroom."
"At Graceland?"
"That's the one. Six thousand people visit Graceland every day. Two million of them walked through it last year."
"And none of them brought a camera?"
"Don't ask me how many cameras they brought, or how many rolls of film they shot. Or how many souvenir ashtrays and paintings on black velvet they bought and took home with them. But how many of them got above the first floor?"
"How many?"
"None. Nobody gets to go upstairs at Graceland. The staff isn't allowed up there, and people who've worked there for years have never set foot above the ground floor. And you can't bribe your way up there, either, according to Holly, and she knows because she tried, and she had all the Galaxy's resources to play with. Two million people a year go to Graceland, and they'd all love to know what it looks like upstairs, and the Weekly Galaxy would just love to show them."
"Enter a burglar."
"That's it. That's Holly's masterstroke, the one designed to win her a bonus and a promotion. Enter an expert at illegal entry, i.e., a burglar. Le burglar, c'est moi. Name your price, she told me."
"And what did you tell her?"
"Twenty-five thousand dollars. You know why? All I could think of was that it sounded like a job for Nick Velvet. You remember him, the thief in the Ed Hoch stories who'll only steal worthless objects." I sighed. "When I think of all the worthless objects I've stolen over the years, and never once has anyone offered to pay me a fee of twenty-five grand for my troubles. Anyway, that was the price that popped into my head, so I tried it out on her. And she didn't even try to haggle."
"I think Nick Velvet raised his rates," Carolyn said. "I think his price went up in the last story or two."
I shook my head. "You see what happens? You fall behind on your reading and it costs you money."
***
Holly and I flew first class from JFK to Memphis. The meal was still airline food, but the seats were so comfortable and the stewardess so attentive that I kept forgetting this.
"At the Weekly Galaxy," Holly said, sipping an after-dinner something-or-other, "everything's first class. Except the paper itself, of course."
We got our luggage, and a hotel courtesy car whisked us to the Howard Johnson's on Elvis Presley Boulevard, where we had adjoining rooms reserved. I was just about unpacked when Holly knocked on the door separating the two rooms. I unlocked it for her and she came in carrying a bottle of scotch and a full ice bucket.
"I wanted to stay at the Peabody," she said. "That's the great old downtown hotel and it's supposed to be wonderful, but here we're only a couple of blocks from Graceland, and I thought it would be more convenient."
"Makes sense," I agreed.
"But I wanted to see the ducks," she said. She explained that ducks were the symbol of the Peabody, or the mascot, or something. Every day the hotel's guests could watch the hotel's ducks waddle across the red carpet to the fountain in the middle of the lobby.
"Tell me something," she said. "How does a guy like you get into a business like this?"
"Bookselling?"
"Get real, honey. How'd you get to be a burglar? Not for the edification of our readers, because they couldn't care less. But to satisfy my own curiosity."
I sipped a drink while I told her the story of my misspent life, or as much of it as I felt like telling. She heard me out and put away four stiff scotches in the process, but if they had any effect on her I couldn't see it.
"And how about you?" I said after a while. "How did a nice girl like you-"
"Oh, Gawd," she said. "We'll save that for another evening, okay?" And then she was in my arms, smelling and feeling better than a body had a r
ight to, and just as quickly she was out of them again and on her way to the door.
"You don't have to go," I said.
"Ah, but I do, Bernie. We've got a big day tomorrow. We're going to see Elvis, remember?"
She took the scotch with her. I poured out what remained of my own drink, finished unpacking, took a shower. I got into bed, and after fifteen or twenty minutes I got up and tried the door between our two rooms, but she had locked it on her side. I went back to bed.
***
Our tour guide's name was Stacy. She wore the standard Graceland uniform, a blue-and-white-striped shirt over navy chinos, and she looked like someone who'd been unable to decide whether to become a stewardess or a cheerleader. Cleverly, she'd chosen a job that combined both professions.
"There were generally a dozen guests crowded around this dining table," she told us. "Dinner was served nightly between nine and ten p.m., and Elvis always sat right there at the head of the table. Not because he was head of the family but because it gave him the best view of the big color TV. Now that's one of fourteen TV sets here at Graceland, so you know how much Elvis liked to watch TV."
"Was that the regular china?" someone wanted to know.
"Yes, ma'am, and the name of the pattern is Buckingham. Isn't it pretty?"
I could run down the whole tour for you, but what's the point? Either you've been there yourself or you're planning to go or you don't care, and at the rate people are signing up for the tours, I don't think there are many of you in the last group. Elvis was a good pool player, and his favorite game was rotation. Elvis ate his breakfast in the Jungle Room, off a cypress coffee table. Elvis's own favorite singer was Dean Martin. Elvis liked peacocks, and at one time over a dozen of them roamed the grounds of Graceland. Then they started eating the paint off the cars, which Elvis liked even more than he liked peacocks, so he donated them to the Memphis Zoo. The peacocks, not the cars.
There was a gold rope across the mirrored staircase, and what looked like an electric eye a couple of stairs up. "We don't allow tourists into the upstairs," our guide chirped. "Remember, Graceland is a private home and Elvis's aunt Miss Delta Biggs still lives here. Now I can tell you what's upstairs. Elvis's bedroom is located directly above the living room and music room. His office is also upstairs, and there's Lisa Marie's bedroom, and dressing rooms and bathrooms as well."
"And does his aunt live up there?" someone asked.
"No, sir. She lives downstairs, through that door over to your left. None of us have ever been upstairs. Nobody goes there anymore."
***
"I bet he's up there now," Holly said. "In a La-Z-Boy with his feet up, eating one of his famous peanut-butter and banana sandwiches and watching three television sets at once."
"And listening to Dean Martin," I said. "What do you really think?"
"What do I really think? I think he's down in Paraguay playing three-handed pinochle with James Dean and Adolf Hitler. Did you know that Hitler masterminded Argentina's invasion of the Falkland Islands? We ran that story but it didn't do as well as we hoped."
"Your readers didn't remember Hitler?"
"Hitler was no problem for them. But they didn't know what the Falklands were. Seriously, where do I think Elvis is? I think he's in the grave we just looked at, surrounded by his nearest and dearest. Unfortu-nately, 'Elvis Still Dead' is not a headline that sells papers."
"I guess not."
We were back in my room at the Hojo, eating a lunch Holly had ordered from room service. It reminded me of our in-flight meal the day before, luxurious but not terribly good.
"Well," she said brightly, "have you figured out how we're going to get in?"
"You saw the place," I said. "They've got gates and guards and alarm systems everywhere. I don't know what's upstairs, but it's a more closely guarded secret than Zsa Zsa Gabor's true age."
"That'd be easy to find out," Holly said. "We could just hire somebody to marry her."
"Graceland is impregnable," I went on, hoping we could drop the analogy right there. "It's almost as bad as Fort Knox."
Her face fell. "I was sure you could find a way in."
"Maybe I can."
"But-"
"For one. Not for two. It'd be too risky for you, and you don't have the skills for it. Could you shinny down a gutterspout?"
"If I had to."
"Well, you won't have to, because you won't be going in." I paused for thought. "You'd have a lot of work to do," I said. "On the outside, coordinating things."
"I can handle it."
"And there would be expenses, plenty of them."
"No problem."
"I'd need a camera that can take pictures in full dark. I can't risk a flash."
"That's easy. We can handle that."
"I'll need to rent a helicopter, and I'll have to pay the pilot enough to guarantee his silence."
"A cinch."
"I'll need a diversion. Something fairly dramatic."
"I can create a diversion. With all the resources of the Galaxy at my disposal, I could divert a river."
"That shouldn't be necessary. But all of this is going to cost money." "Money," she said, "is no object."
***
"So you're a friend of Carolyn's," Lucian Leeds said. "She's wonderful, isn't she? You know, she and I are the next-closest thing to blood kin."
"Oh?"
"A former lover of hers and a former lover of mine were brother and sister. Well, sister and brother, actually. So that makes Carolyn my something-in-law, doesn't it?"
"I guess it must."
"Of course," he said, "by the same token, I must be related to half the known world. Still, I'm real fond of our Carolyn. And if I can help you-"
I told him what I needed. Lucian Leeds was an interior decorator and a dealer in art and antiques. "Of course I've been to Graceland," he said. "Probably a dozen times, because whenever a friend or relative visits that's where one has to take them. It's an experience that somehow never palls."
"I don't suppose you've ever been on the second floor."
"No, nor have I been presented at court. Of the two, I suppose I'd prefer the second floor at Graceland. One can't help wondering, can one?" He closed his eyes, concentrating. "My imagination is beginning to work," he announced.
"Give it free rein."
"I know just the house, too. It's off Route 51 across the state line, just this side of Hernando, Mississippi. Oh, and I know someone with an Egyptian piece that would be perfect. How soon would everything have to be ready?"
"Tomorrow night?"
"Impossible. The day after tomorrow is barely possible. Just barely. I really ought to have a week to do it right."
"Well, do it as right as you can."
"I'll need trucks and schleppers, of course. I'll have rental charges to pay, of course, and I'll have to give something to the old girl who owns the house. First I'll have to sweet-talk her, but there'll have to be something tangible in it for her as well, I'm afraid. But all of this is going to cost you money."
That had a familiar ring to it. I almost got caught up in the rhythm of it and told him money was no object, but I managed to restrain myself. If money wasn't the object, what was I doing in Memphis?
***
"Here's the camera," Holly said. "It's all loaded with infrared film. No flash, and you can take pictures with it at the bottom of a coal mine."
"That's good," I said, "because that's probably where I'll wind up if they catch me. We'll do it the day after tomorrow. Today's what, Wednesday? I'll go in Friday."
"I should be able to give you a terrific diversion."
"I hope so," I said. "I'll probably need it."
Thursday morning I found my helicopter pilot. "Yeah, I could do it," he said. "Cost you two hundred dollars, though."
"I'll give you five hundred."
He shook his head. "One thing I never do," he said, "is get to haggling over prices. I said two hundred, and-wait a darn minute."
; "Take all the time you need."
"You weren't haggling me down," he said. "You were haggling me up. I never heard tell of such a thing."
"I'm willing to pay extra," I said, "so that you'll tell people the right story afterward. If anybody asks."
"What do you want me to tell 'em?"
"That somebody you never met before in your life paid you to fly over Graceland, hover over the mansion, lower your rope ladder, raise the ladder, and then fly away."
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