by Fannie Flagg
“No, sir. I’d tell you. I’m on probation. I can’t have a gun. I took a shotgun from Daddy’s trailer but they got that back.”
“Do you swear to God?”
“Yes, sir. I wouldn’t ever do that to Miss Elner, not in a hundred years. I was going to marry Bobbie Jo Newberry because Miss Elner wanted me to. I think the world of that lady, I’d never give her no loaded gun!”
Macky believed him, and if it wasn’t Luther’s, then whose gun was it?
The Nose Has It!
8:03 AM
The next morning when Norma woke up, Macky had already left for work. She yawned and went to the bathroom and was reading her “Good morning, this is God” message when she happened to glance at herself in the mirror. “MY GOD!” There were bright red spots all over her nose! Oh God. Well, here it was. The day had finally come, she had nose cancer. She immediately sat down on the floor of the bathroom, so she wouldn’t faint and hit her head. Oh no, they would probably have to remove her entire nose. She was going to be disfigured. “Why me, dear God? Why my face?” Norma thought. In high school Norma had never had a hint of acne, not one bump. Now she was being punished for it. She pulled herself up and looked again. They were still there! Not only was she going to lose her nose, it probably meant chemotherapy. There went all her hair! Oh God. “Be brave,” she thought. In times like this she tried to remember little Frieda Pushnik, who had been born with no arms and legs and had been carried around all her life on a pillow, but it did not help. She was terrified as she called the dermatologist, made an appointment, got dressed, and drove over to the beauty parlor and ran in. “Tot, give me one of those Xanax. I may have to have my nose removed!”
Later, as Dr. Steward the dermatologist stared at her nose with a magnifying glass, Norma felt as if she were going to throw up. As she continued to look, the doctor asked, “Tell me, Mrs. Warren, do you blush easily?”
“What? Oh, yes.”
“Uh-huh,” said the doctor as Norma’s heart pounded away. “And do you have any allergies that you know of?”
“No, other than maybe Chinese food…. My face gets sort of hot and red, but…”
The doctor turned around to wash her hands, and Norma heard herself ask in a raspy voice, “Is it cancer, Doctor?”
The doctor looked at her. “No, what you have is rosacea.”
“What?”
“Rosacea. It’s very common with English and Irish or other light-skinned people. Blushing easily is one of the symptoms.”
“It is? I thought I was always just embarrassed or shy. But what are these bumps?”
“You’re having a break-out.”
“But why?”
“It could have been triggered by a number of things…heat, sun, or stress. Have you been under any unusual stress lately?”
Norma said, “Yes, I have. My aunt just fell out of a tree and…well, I won’t go into detail, but, yes.”
As Norma drove to the drugstore, she realized that her entire image of herself had been wrong. Whenever someone told a dirty joke or she had been embarrassed, she had always thought it was because she was shy, but it had just been a skin condition all along.
Norma stood at the counter waiting for her prescription for Finacea, and was convinced that the stress of worrying about her aunt had caused her nose to break out. It was no telling what would be happening to her next. She looked over at the blood pressure machine in the corner of the drugstore and she thought about going over and seeing if hers had rocketed sky-high in the last week, but decided against it. If it had, she didn’t want to know. Hopefully she would just drop dead in her tracks, without having to be scared to death by all kinds of tests, and maybe before she had to undergo a complete heart transplant and wind up in a power chair herself. This was all the more reason why Elner should go to Happy Acres, where professionals could keep an eye on her, and Norma wouldn’t have to worry herself into the grave about her. Norma would wait until after Easter and then have a serious talk with Elner.
“Here you go, Norma,” said Hattie Smith, a cousin of Dorothy Smith’s late husband, Robert Smith. But of course, according to Aunt Elner, Dorothy was now married to a man named Raymond. “Rub a thin layer on your nose, twice a day, and that should do it.”
As Norma walked out with her ointment, Irene Goodnight walked in, and said to Hattie, as she held out her hands, “Hattie, look, are these freckles or old-age spots.”
Hattie looked at the seventy-three-year-old woman’s hands and lied.
“Honey, those are freckles.”
“Well, good,” said Irene. She turned around and left, happier than when she came in.
Hattie had knocked herself out of a sale, but “What the heck,” she thought, “old age is hard enough. What Irene doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
Ask Me No Questions
6:47 AM
Macky waited until a few days after she was home to broach the subject of the gun with Aunt Elner. On the fourth morning, they were sitting on the back porch as usual watching the sun come up, having coffee, and talking before he went to work.
Elner was saying, “There was the prettiest sunset last night, Macky, it’s getting later and later. Pretty soon we will be able to sit out until seven-thirty. I didn’t come in last night until a little past seven.”
“Oh yeah, summer is definitely on its way.” He then looked over at her and said, “Aunt Elner, did you know that there was a gun in your dirty-clothes basket?”
“There was?” she said as innocently as possible.
“Yes, you know darn well there was.”
Elner looked out into the backyard at the cat who was stalking around. “I think old Sonny is getting fat, don’t you?” she said, trying to change the subject. “Look at him, he just waddles anymore.”
“Aunt Elner,” Macky said, “you’re busted so you might as well tell me where it came from. Luther said it wasn’t his. Was it Uncle Will’s gun?”
She didn’t answer for a while, then said, “Macky, all I can say is, ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.”
“Aunt Elner, this is serious. Now listen, I didn’t tell Norma it was a real gun, I covered for you.”
“Thank you, honey,” she said.
“You’re welcome, but you need to be honest with me. I need to know where that gun came from.”
“All I can say is that it wasn’t Will’s gun.” She looked up at the ceiling. “I’m gonna have to take a broom to those corners, look at those spiderwebs.”
“So, you’re not going to tell me where it came from.”
“Honey, I would if I could.”
“All right, just tell me this then. You haven’t done anything you shouldn’t have, you haven’t shot anybody, have you?”
She laughed. “What a question. Good heavens.”
“Well, wherever it came from, it’s long gone now. I took the damn thing out and threw it in the river. You know I have never fussed at you before, but I love you too much to take a chance on you hurting yourself or somebody coming in here and finding it and shooting you with it.”
She sat there looking chagrined. “Where in the river?”
“Never you mind where, just promise me that from now on you will keep away from guns.”
“OK. I promise.”
He felt bad he had to be stern with her and walked over and kissed her. “Well, all right then, let’s just forget about it, OK?”
“OK.”
“I’ve got to go to work. I love you.”
“Love you too,” she said.
She had learned a lesson that day that very few people on earth have a chance to find out firsthand and after the fact. When you are dead, people go through all your things, so if you have anything you don’t want found, you better get rid of it before you go!
Elner hated not being able to tell Macky what he wanted to know, but she had certainly never stolen anything or killed anybody. True, she may have been guilty of hiding and withholding evidence from the polic
e, but what the heck. Besides, some people just needed killing. She remembered when her husband, Will, had had to shoot a rabid fox. Nobody is happy about it, you hate to do it, but you have to protect your chickens, and you can say self-defense until you are blue in the face, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. She periodically asked herself if she had it to do over again, would she? The answer was always yes, so her conscience was clear. Besides, Raymond hadn’t said a word about it, so she figured she was home free on that count.
Beauty Shop
8:45 AM
After things settled down a little, Norma was able to get back to normal again, and on Wednesday morning she was back in the chair at Tot’s Tell It Like It Is beauty shop having her hair rolled up, and listening to Tot say the same old things she had been saying over and over again for the last twenty years.
“I tell you, Norma, I’m so sick of all these whiners saying how society made them into criminals. My hind foot. Being poor is no excuse to rob people. Hell, I was poor, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps; you know what I came from, Norma, just plain trash and you didn’t see me run out and rob people…and there’s no shame anymore. People will just come right out and tell how they cheat on their taxes, and are proud of it! And when they film all those people on television looting, they just smile and wave at the camera. And if they do get caught, they get a free lawyer, and hot and cold social workers telling them they are victims of society, boo-hoo, and aren’t responsible for their behavior. And don’t tell me there are no jobs out there. Anybody can work if they want to. Dwayne Junior thinks he’s too good to get a job. He sits at home on welfare and his disability, while his sister and me work our fingers to the bone. Even his sorry, no-good daddy worked. Granted, it was only between drunks, but at least he made an effort.” Tot took a drag off of her nonfiltered Pall Mall. “Poor James, as much as he aggravated me to death, I hated that he ended up like that. The last time Darlene and I heard from him he was living in some old flophouse hotel. A couple of months later he died in the lobby watching reruns of game shows. Died watching The Price Is Right. He had a bad beginning and a bad end. He was no Prince Charles but he was human, I guess, and he was not a whiner. I’m so sick and tired of all the whining and bellyaching about stuff that happened in the past, and God help you if you happen to be a white person, you can’t say a thing without somebody jumping down your throat calling you a racist. Everybody’s so damn sensitive anymore, you have to tiptoe around everything. Those Political Correctors are lurking in every corner just waiting to pounce…. Next they’ll be making us sing, ‘I’m dreaming of a multicolored Christmas.’ I tell you, I’m scared to open my mouth anymore and voice an honest opinion.”
“Oh, if that were only true,” thought Norma as Tot continued her weekly tirade.
“Like that time that black girl came in here looking for a job. Norma, you know I don’t need anybody, I can barely afford to pay Darlene as it is, and I told her so, in a nice way too, but the next thing I know, she’s calling me not only a racist but a homophobe! How was I supposed to know she was a he? I remember when this whole stupid thing started, everybody that had a black jockey boy statue had to paint them white, do you remember?”
Norma nodded. She did remember. Her mother had refused to paint her jockey boy and someone had knocked its head off.
Tot continued, “It’s not my fault I’m not a minority. And how about my rights? I don’t see anybody standing up for me. I pay my taxes and I don’t expect anybody to take care of me, but do I complain?”
“Every week,” thought Norma, but she said nothing.
“Anyhow, all you hear on TV is how bad white people are. Frankly, Norma, I don’t know whether I’m a racist or not anymore. I hope not, but I don’t know why I even bother to worry. They say we are all going to be speaking Spanish in the next five years anyway. It used to be just black and white, but now it seems like the whole world’s gone some sort of brown color. Speaking of that, have you seen the bathtub Madonna the Lopez family has in their front yard?”
“No. What’s a bathtub Madonna?”
Tot laughed. “Well, they took an old claw-foot tub, turned it sideways, and buried it halfway in the ground. Then they painted the inside of the tub blue and stuck a statue of the Blessed Mother in it.”
Norma cringed. “Oh my God, and it’s in the front yard?”
“Yeah,” said Tot, taking another drag off her cigarette. “But it’s kinda pretty, really. You know those Mexicans are artistic, you have to say that for them. He keeps that yard as neat as a pin.”
That afternoon Norma thought that Tot might be right. Things were changing right there in southern Missouri. Where it used to be mostly Swedes and Germans, more and more nationalities were moving in, and when Norma had walked up to Aunt Elner’s porch that morning, the radio had been blaring Mexican music out into the yard. Aunt Elner had tuned in to some new Spanish station from Poplar Springs.
“Why are you listening to that?”
“What?”
“That Spanish station?”
“Is that what it is? I wondered, I thought maybe it was Polish.”
“No, honey, it’s Spanish.”
“Well, whatever it is, I like it. I don’t understand what they are saying but the music is real cheerful and happy, don’t you think?”
Thank - You from Cathy
2:18 PM
The male nurse who had informed Gus Shimmer about the potential lawsuit against the hospital was very disappointed when Gus Shimmer informed him that the old lady’s niece would not sue. He had hoped to make a lot of money on his cut of the settlement, but he figured out another way he might be able to get something for his information. He picked up the phone and called his friend and got the number of a tabloid newspaper that would pay for stories of an unusual nature, and he had one.
That afternoon Norma had run into the Piggly Wiggly supermarket to pick up a few things to bring over to Aunt Elner’s house for Easter dinner, and was at the checkout counter when she glanced over and saw the headline on the front page.
MISSOURI FARM WOMAN, DEAD FOR FIVE HOURS SITS UP AND SINGS STAR SPANGLED BANNER!
Norma felt herself starting to faint and sat down on the floor before she hit the ground. Thankfully Louise Franks and her daughter Polly happened to be in line behind her and helped her up. The manager came over and they took her to the employee bathroom and sat her down on a chair and gave her a glass of water. When she could talk, she grabbed Louise’s hand and said, “I knew it. We’re ruined. We’re probably going to have to move out of the country now.” She wailed, “There goes my daughter’s career!” and sat sobbing in the chair. When Louise came back to the bathroom with the paper, and showed Norma the large photograph of the woman on the front page, she was thrilled to see the woman in the photo was NOT Aunt Elner!
After the male nurse had called in the story, the reporter from the tabloid assigned to cover it had called the local paper trying to get all the details, and had informed Cathy Calvert that she was willing to pay a lot of money for any cooperation Cathy could offer. After hearing the amount of money the woman was offering, Cathy had quickly and happily agreed to supply her with not only a story but a photograph of the woman as well. All the reporter had to do was agree to change the name of the woman and the town, and Cathy would give her the information for free. The reporter didn’t care about exact details or the validity of her sources. After all, The Inquiring Eye wasn’t The New York Times, and the reporter didn’t mind getting paid for work she did not have to do. Not only that, the gal wrote a hell of a good story to boot. That part about the old lady’s claiming she had been transported to another planet where all the women looked just like Heather Locklear was a great touch!
Finally after all these years, Cathy had found a way to pay Elner back for loaning her the thousand dollars. She had also spared Elner and the town from being overrun with all the crazies and the curious. The woman in the photo on the front page was Cathy Calvert’s grandmother
on her father’s side, Leona Fortenberry, who had been dead for years, and had stayed dead as far as Cathy knew.
Norma recovered and went home, but in the excitement she forgot her sack of groceries. She was too embarrassed to go back and get them.
Easter at Elner’s
Elner and everyone else in town were so happy she had made it home in time for Easter. And this Easter turned out to be one of the best ones ever. The entire family flew in to spend it with her. Dena and Gerry flew in from California, and Linda and Apple came in from St. Louis. As usual, the day before Easter, Elner and Luther dyed over two hundred fifty eggs, and by sunrise on Easter morning, the two were out in the yard hiding them. Elner walked around the yard with the golden egg and thought about where she might hide it.
Norma got up early and ran out to the cemetery to put flowers on her parents’ grave, and when she got back, they all headed over to Elner’s house. The Easter egg hunt always started around twelve, but this year people had arrived with their children even earlier, and everyone was waiting in the front yard at 11:45 ready to go. When it was time, Elner stood on the porch and rang the old school bell, and about eighty little children with baskets along with Polly, Louise’s forty-two-year-old daughter, ran screaming and running at breakneck speed through the yard, while the grown-ups sat in lawn chairs and watched them. Sonny the cat had to run up a tree before he was trampled to death by the rushing hordes, and he sat there very unhappy-looking for the next hour. Louise Franks and Elner watched Polly as she ran giggling from place to place, along with five-year-old Apple by her side. As it turned out, one of Tot’s grandchildren found the golden egg, but as usual, Polly Franks received the biggest prize, a large stuffed rabbit that Elner and Louise had picked out the week before. Later that afternoon, after all the children except little Apple and Polly had gone home, Macky and Gerry set up the big folding table out in the yard and they had their Easter dinner under the fig tree. Reverend Susie Hill was with them and said grace, and then they started passing out the food. Elner sat happy as a lark eating her food and drinking her big glass of iced tea. She turned to Dena and said, “You know, this is about one of the best Easters I remember, and if you think about it, I had my own little Easter already, didn’t I? I sort of rose up from the dead myself. And I’m mighty glad I did, I wouldn’t have missed this ham and these deviled eggs Louise brought over for anything.” She called out down the table, “I think they’re the best deviled eggs you ever made, Louise!”
