by Casey Hagen
With each click of the button, they cycled through each, the shot always the same. “Not only tucked left, but apparently three inches flaccid on every single one.”
The doc’s lips twitched, and humor sparkled in his warm brown eyes.
Silas cackled next to her. “Funny…but I’d say that’s more like four inches.”
“Yeah, but men are notoriously bad at determining inches. Well, at least other than the doc. Kind of makes me wonder—”
“Do me a favor, and take up that particular point of discussion out of my earshot. I’m beggin’ ya,” Silas said before turning and heading to the front office.
“I’m starting to feel a little bad for what Lucas suffered being your older brother.”
“Hey, I wasn’t wrong. Men just can’t handle when women call them on their over exaggerations.”
He stood before her in workout clothes. In this case, a T-shirt and basketball shorts. Loose basketball shorts. The kind that shifted with movement but also highlighted dips, curves, and did little to hide which way he tucked. “Laramie?”
“Hmmm,” she murmured.
“My face is up here.” Quiet amusement laced his voice.
Heat crept into her cheeks, and the tips of her ears burned. It didn’t stop her from lingering for an extra three seconds though. “Sorry. That was a total guy thing to do.”
He winced. “It’s a guy thing to stare at a guy’s dick?”
“Oh, shut up!” she said, blowing out an exasperated breath as she shuffled on her feet. “You know what I mean, like guys do with staring at a woman’s boobs.”
He shook his head in denial, like any smart man would. “I wouldn’t know.”
“Oh, bull. I know you’re maddeningly polite and reserved, but at some point, you had to have been a hot-headed, red-blooded male.”
“I’m still a red-blooded male, and still, I don’t stare at women’s boobs. At least not in this lifetime.”
“Then you’re the only guy who doesn’t. And what do you mean in this lifetime? How many others did you have?”
“Two.”
“Will you tell me about them?”
“Maybe at some point, but right now I’m still stuck on the fact that you question how much of a red-blooded male I am.”
“Well, you certainly aren’t free with your affection, and when we first kissed, I had to practically beg you. I mean, it’s not like I was asking you to stand in front of a firing squad or anything.”
“Because you’re my patient.”
“I think I’ve been a whole lot more than your patient for a long time.”
The playful banter fell away, and she almost missed it, but she knew when that expression on his face morphed from flirty to turbulent, she might just be tapping into something better.
Or at the very least honest.
He took a step back. With his back to the range, he curled his hands around the edge of the counter behind him, his fingers turning white with the force he used to anchor himself there, away from her. “Which only proves my point. You’d been for all of one day when Vega Sorelli descended on New Hope with an army of men and every intention on burning this facility to the ground. They wanted Lucas and would do whatever it took to get him. Lucas wanted to move everyone to the bunkers, and I said no to moving you. I knew if we tried, we’d lose you. I’d lose you. I let Chloe walk out of this center and put herself in the hands of those men to save you. Logic and training demanded I try to move you rather than risk her, but I let her walk anyway.”
His confession hung heavy and thick in the air between them. His pain, alive with its own heartbeat, pulsed there, holding them apart.
He’d been tough to crack, and now that she had, she didn’t dare say a word and risk him clamming up. So she bit her tongue until it bled to keep the words locked inside until he laid it all out for her.
“I didn’t know your name, what you looked like, or where you even came from, but you already had me. Three times your heart stopped. And three times I fought to keep you alive even when everyone else in that room had lost hope. Each time, when your body tried to give out, your spirit pulsed under the bruises and blood, and you fought with me. I have no business getting involved with you. Not when you’re my patient, not when you’re recovering from abuse, and especially when you’re a mother, and I’m not sure I can be the man you and Harmony need me to be.”
A man of so few words, but when the damn finally broke free and the confession fell from his lips, he found some damn good words to use.
“First, my being your patient is temporary. Second, recovering from abuse can mean so many things. Was I beaten? Yes. Did I perfect the art of covering bruises? Yes. Did I ever once think I did anything that deserved the hits I took? Not a single time. He never made me question what I was worth.”
She sucked in a deep breath the weight of guilt heavy in her chest for words she’d never told another living soul. “Third, I’ve made hard decisions that most would find disgusting. I kept my daughter in a house with a man who beat me. I kept my little girl deaf when she didn’t have to be.”
He froze, his burning gaze locked right on her. “She’s a candidate for cochlear implants?”
“Yes,” Laramie admitted.
“But why wouldn’t you—not that Harmony can’t have a full life while being deaf—but why not?”
“Because the first sounds she hears are not going to be the slap of Jackson’s hand against my face, the name calling, or the sound of me crying.”
Always the gentleman, he reached for her then, but this time she was the one who took a step back. “Jackson was my mistake. But I won’t make another one like it. You’re going to have to decide what you want, Doc. I don’t need you to be anything for me. Respecting me and loving me would have been enough. Far more than I’ve ever had. But I won’t sit here and try to convince you. I’m not desperate and I won’t beg.”
With nothing left to say, nothing left she could do, she headed for the door. With her fingers around the handle, she turned to him. So many emotions warred in him right before her very eyes. Ones he’d confessed, others she may never know.
She’d bet her life there was a woman at the heart of it, and not her. Wasn’t that just a kick in the ass.
“Whoever she was, she did a number on you. I just don’t understand why you continue to let her. Abuse is a strange thing. It has so many forms. I’d rather be hit than have something manipulate or take advantage of my heart.”
The haunted look in his eyes reached right in and squeezed her lungs. A tear rolled down her cheek before she even realized she was crying. “Let me know if you ever get tired of the dark.”
Chapter 13
Laramie stood in the gym, sweat dripping down her temple, her muscles quaking, shooting daggers with her eyes at Jake Kincaid.
After she left the doc in the range, she just couldn’t bring herself to work out with him anymore, and she needed to get strong. She talked to her brother and asked him to help her. Next thing she knew, she was out of the hospital and into her own apartment at New Hope with Harmony, and she had a training schedule set up with Jake the Torturer.
It had only been three days, but fuck, she missed the man. Not that it mattered. None of it mattered. He had to find peace. And when he did, he’d have to go to her.
“That’s good. Now let’s do it again,” he said as he crouched in front of her, ready to spring into action at any minute.
He faked right, and she darted in the opposite direction to evade. He faked left, and she ducked away again. He crouched low and straight, and she jumped into the air over him, her foot catching on his shoulder. The break in her momentum had her body tilting too far forward, and she slammed onto her stomach, the wind squeezing out of her on impact.
“Shit,” he said, scrambling around and dropping down next to her. “Hey, you okay?”
Her lungs ached as she fought to pull in air. Planting her palms on the mat, she pushed herself up onto her knees. “Yeah,�
“Here, let me help you,” he said, reaching for her.
She shot her hand out and shook her head. “No. I’ve got it. I never stay down. Never.”
“You’re sure?”
She glared and forced herself up on her feet. Her chest ached now that she was finally moving air again. “Do you coddle everyone like this?”
“Not usually, but your boyfriend has murder in his eyes,” Jake said, jerking his chin in the direction of the doors.
Laramie turned to find the doc standing there, his hooded gaze on them, his mouth pressed into a thin, hard line. His white coat stretched tight over his wide shoulders. Seeing the exhaustion in his eyes tugged at her heart, and she wanted more than anything to go to him. To kiss those lips and watch it slide away. But it would only be a temporary fix. He had to be ready if they were ever going to get past this point, and clearly, he wasn’t. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
Jake grabbed a couple towels and handed one to her. “I’m sorry. I saw you guys the other day and thought—never mind. I shouldn’t have assumed.”
She dragged the terrycloth over her face, and when she opened her eyes, the door closed with a soft click. “Not your fault. We were getting…close. But it’s complicated, and he’s the one who needs to catch up. He has a problem with this whole doctor/patient thing.”
Jake gulped down a mouthful of water and capped the bottle. “I can understand that.”
“I’m not his patient anymore.” She tried not to get defensive, but she’d had to point this out a few times, mostly to her brother.
“No, but he feels responsible, and it’s how you guys started,” he said with a shrug.
She glanced down at his wedding band and decided to get nosy. “How did you and your wife start?”
His hand stilled and he glanced away. “It’s a long story.”
“The Cliff Notes version then,” she said.
He scratched the back of his head. “She’d escaped her husband…temporarily. She came to me to train her to fight.”
“And so naturally, you…” She didn’t want to be crass so she let the words trail off. But the point was, he knew just what she was talking about. He’d lived it, and he’d married the woman in the end.
He smiled. “There was nothing natural about it. I railed against it too.”
“So, you’re saying I should be patient,” she said. Problem was, she’d never been patient a day in her life. Not that she needed a man, she didn’t. She just happened to care a whole hell of a lot about this one, and moving on to forge a life without him would be devastating. Oh, she could do it, but if she did, she had a feeling he’d be the one to haunt her to her dying day with what-ifs.
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Xavier’s one of the good ones, and his road leading to this point was an ugly one.”
Her skin prickled, but she wouldn’t pry. After all, all the signs up to this point said that he’d gone through something. Not having a family of his own, the haunted look in his eye, how wrung out he’d been at times. If only he would confide in her, because she didn’t want to hear it from anyone but him. “I wouldn’t know; he hasn’t told me.”
“No, considering your particular case, I don’t imagine he would have,” he said.
“What does that mean?”
“It’s not my story to tell. And I only know because I happened to overhear it so my lips are sealed,” he said with a firm shake of his head. “When the time comes and he’s ready, don’t give him a hard time and listen.”
“Well, that’s probably not going to happen. I asked him to help make me strong, and now here we are. We couldn’t be farther apart.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Who do you think made the arrangements for you to move into your apartment and for classes with me?”
“My brother when I asked him.”
“And who do you think had to sign off on all of it?” he asked with an eyebrow raised. “Lucas can ask for whatever he wants, but he doesn’t have final say. When it comes to New Hope, he’s part of the security team. When he went to Xavier, he did so as your brother. Nothing more. You’re still healing from significant injuries—”
She straightened and squared her shoulders. “I’m all healed.”
“No, you’re not. The aches and pains you go through linger because inside, you’re still healing.”
“Is that why you’re focusing on evasive maneuvers and not teaching me how to hit and take a hit?”
Jake bobbed his head and tossed his towel on his bag. “You got it.”
“I don’t like you guys all maneuvering me behind my back.”
“Well, you did ask your brother so I guess if you don’t like it, you should have just asked the doc yourself, but you were avoiding him so here we are.”
Was turning the mirror back on people some sort of employment skill they all had to possess to work there? If so, that shit was awfully inconvenient. “I’m an idiot.”
Jake laid a hand on her shoulder and lowered his face to hers to look her in the eye. “You’re in love with him.”
She let her head fall back and blew out a frustrated breath as he put the truth right out there and said words she hadn’t even dared whisper to herself in the dark all by herself. “After everything I’ve been through, how stupid does that make me?”
He patted her shoulder and laughed. “Makes you human. Look, why don’t we start again fresh in the morning?”
“Yeah, I guess. I could use a hot bath.”
“Good. I’ll see you back here tomorrow morning at eight.”
“See you then,” she said, grabbing her bottle of water and heading for the door.
“Laramie?”
“Yeah,” she said over her shoulder.
“Maybe he realized to make you strong, he needed to take a step back so he wouldn’t be in your way. One of the hardest things to do is stand by and watch the person you love go it alone…” he said, his voice low and thick with emotion. His words trailed off, and for just a moment, it was as though a few ghosts of his own had come out to play. “But sometimes it’s the only way for them to be whole again.”
Chapter 14
Xavier dug the heels of his hands against his tired eyes when the words scrambled on the computer again. He needed a break from the screen time, but with no patients, that meant stewing in his own misery.
A knock echoed from his open door, and he glanced up, not caring what it was as long as it gave him a reprieve from his self-imposed torment.
“We’re about to talk, and I have a feeling you’re going to want to be there for this,” Dylan said, standing in the doorway.
Taking a step back had only made conversations like this harder. His only connection to Laramie at this point was when he talked about her case, whether it was arranging her move into her place, her self-defense classes, or this new information, making him surly with his staff to the point that they glanced away in passing.
Then there were those stolen moments with Harmony, each instance like someone nailing spikes through his heart.
And still he went back for more.
He didn’t need to go back to his condo and pull out old memories to torture himself; he’d figured out a way to do it effectively right here, in his refuge.
“I’m on my way.” He would go. He’d always go if it meant someone dropping a few details about how she was doing, the progress she was making, how she was growing and spreading those wings without him.
Taking a step back was the right thing to do for her. The feelings still churned there. The urge to reach for her, to walk out of that darkness gripped him so tight he’d have to stop to catch his breath at the thought of it. That’s how he knew, if anything, those feelings had grown stronger. But why the hell did it have to hurt so damn much and remind him just how empty his life had been before her?
Walking into this conference would be more of the same. More connections. Deeper feelings. He couldn’t change it. Wouldn’t change it. But he’d damn well keep his distance so she could focus on what she needed to do instead of being distracted by this bond between them.
Tension filled the conference room, the solemn eyes of Dylan, Evan, Cole and Zane meeting his, and a sick ball of dread filled his gut. “What’s wrong?”
“We have a few updates. Cole,” Dylan said, giving the man a nod to go ahead. He stood along the wall of windows again, but this time the casual stance and his knack for infusing humor were nowhere to be found.
“We’ve been digging up anything we could find to help us with the night of Laramie’s attack,” Cole began, leaning back in his chair, his booted foot bobbing up and down under the table. “The people in that area are pretty tight-lipped and mind their own business, but one of the teens finally admitted to seeing a couple guys watching Laramie’s house that night. The only reason he was willing to say a word was because his family had their loading truck all ready to go, and they were leaving within the hour.”
Slyder craned his neck back and forth and took over from there. “He knew them from school. They’d been trying to prove their loyalty to a gang. This was their last task, but they had big mouths and bragged about it. They were found shot dead in an alley in Santa Ana a week ago. We can’t say for sure that these were the guys, but the chances that they weren’t, well…” Slyder shrugged.
A couple of kids. They’d watched and waited. Maybe they’d seen her with Harmony. Caught glimpses of her tucking her little girl in for bed. None of it mattered. Their lives, the pain, the trauma, all of it meant nothing to them. To them, Laramie and Harmony were selfishly expendable as long as it got them what they wanted. Oh, they may not have laid a hand on Harmony, but they’d changed her that night, and then they’d bragged about it like they’d achieved the high score on a video game.
“Nothing to say?” Dylan asked, looking at Xavier.
He pushed away from the wall and paced the opposite end of the room. “What do you want me to say? That I’m upset? They beat her and left her there to die. Harmony sat there with her like that,” he said. The more he moved, the more his anger grew until his hands slashed through the air and his head pounded with the surge of his blood. He jammed his thumb against his chest. “Yes, I’m a doctor. I put people back together. But I’m hard-pressed to muster any sort of sympathy for soulless thugs who could not only beat her, but then brag about it.”
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