“How the hell should I know?” I asked, while Dade and I set the cigars back in the box. “We were fifteen years old. And he wasn’t my boyfriend. He was just a friend.”
“Just a friend.” Mama snorted. “Sort of like Dade is just a friend, huh?” She slapped my father’s arm as we re-claimed our seats. “Must be one of those ‘friends with bennies’ arrangements, huh, Chee?”
He frowned at her. “I told you, enough with the sex. Nobody needs to be hearin’ about that.”
“Oh, quit bein’ such a prude.” She poured herself a cup of coffee. “Just ‘cause they’re your little girls you wanna believe they’re as pure as the driven snow. I can tell ya they ain’t.” She pointed at me. “This one’s been on birth control since her junior year of high school.”
I choked on my wine, prompting Dade to pat my back. This shit show was going from bad to worse with Aidy calling the shots.
“Would you stop?” I begged, seething. “You’re embarrassing me and making Dade uncomfortable.” I stole a glance at Dade. He didn’t look uncomfortable, he looked amused. The sexy, smug bastard. “Don’t laugh,” I warned him. “When I meet your mama I’m gonna get her to spill the dirt on you.”
Dade smiled. “There’s plenty, believe me.” He put his arm around the back of my chair, leaning in. “But I gave her a Caddy for her last birthday, so I’m pretty sure that bought her silence for a while.”
“Well, well,” Mama said, tapping her finger against her lips. “This is even more serious than I thought. You’re already thinkin’ about meetin’ his mama, huh baby? Good for you. Let her see you’re nothin’ like those other gold diggers her son shacked up with.”
My chin hit my chest and I completely surrendered to the inevitable that followed me wherever Mama went. I loved her dearly, but sometimes I wished we could just buy her a damn muzzle and be done with it.
“I’m sorry,” I said to Dade. “You’ll have to excuse her. She must be off her meds again today.”
“Now you know I don’t take no damn meds.” She made a tsking sound. “You go tellin’ Dade that and he’ll think we’re some kinda drug addicts.” She laughed. “Not that we didn’t do our fair share of experimenting when we were kids. Ain’t that right, Chee?”
My father chuckled before digging into his pie. He was supposed to be on a special diet after his heart bypass, but apparently today was his cheat day ‘cause he was eating like Mama hadn’t fed him in a month.
“Dade doesn’t want to hear about your wild and reckless youth,” I said reaching for the wine bottle to refill my glass.
“Oh please,” she said, waving her hand. “I bet your young man could tell us some stories that would curl your hair.” She rested her chin in her palm and looked at Dade. “Things must get pretty wild out on the road, huh? All those groupies chasin’ after you.”
Dade’s dark coloring and scruff made it hard to tell, but I could have sworn he was blushing when he lowered his head to dig into his pie.
“Come on now,” she teased. “Don’t be shy. Tell us, what’s the craziest thing a woman ever did to try and get your attention?”
I knew I should tell her to back off, but it wouldn’t do any good, and I was kind of curious about his past, beyond the three failed relationships the world knew about.
He glanced down the table like he expected my father to save him, but Daddy was smearing whipped cream on his pie like a death row inmate savoring his last meal.
“Uh, I don’t know.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “A few have snuck past security and managed to get into my dressing room.”
Mama cackled, slapping the table. “And let me guess, they were waiting for you in their birthday suits, right?”
This time I was certain he blushed. Aww, I felt kind of bad for him. I was used to Mama’s teasing, but he wasn’t.
“Something like that,” Dade mumbled, stuffing a bite of pie into his mouth, probably hoping to spare himself another inquiry.
“You poor baby,” I said, curling my hand around the back of his neck. “Women stripping naked and propositioning you like that.” My hand glided up the back of his head, making him shift in his seat as I reached for my wine glass with my free hand. “How do you handle it?”
He eyed my wine glass before I tipped it back. Probably wondering if I was getting touchy-feely because I was tipsy. I might have been a little tipsy, but who could blame me with Mama firing questions at us like a damn trial lawyer.
“I don’t like it,” he said, zeroing in on my lips. “Any more than you would if some random guy showed up to surprise you like that.”
“Point taken,” I said, raising my glass in a mock toast to him. At least he had standards. I liked that.
I drained my glass and set it down, intent on making that drink my last, but Mama refilled my glass.
At my questioning look she said, “What? You’re too uptight sometimes. Maybe this’ll help you relax.”
She couldn’t be more obvious if she tried. She thought if she plied me with alcohol I’d let my guard down with Dade. But that was wishful thinking on her part. I’d let alcohol be the catalyst the first time we slept together. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
Chapter 14
Dade
I was enjoying a stogie with Chee in his man cave when he looked at me out of the corner of his eye. “I’d planned to hate you, just so you know.”
I took a long draw of the cigar, tipping my head back and letting the smoke escape. I didn’t smoke often anymore, but after the evening I’d had, it felt like getting loaded or a cigar were my two best options for stress relief, since sex was off the table.
“Yeah, I figured as much.”
“Nothing personal,” he said, stretching his long legs out in front of him. “Heard a lot of shit about you. No reason not to believe it.”
“Hmm mmm.” I wasn’t going to defend myself to Chee or anyone else. I’d learned a long time ago that people would form their own opinions whether I liked it or not.
“But when I realized my baby girl was gonna spend time with you, no matter how I felt about it, I figured I’d best do my own homework. See if I could figure out what you were all about.”
“Oh yeah?”
I set the cigar down in an ashtray beside me and laced my fingers, cracking my knuckles. I was tense as hell, and it had nothing to do with Charli’s parents. The last words she said to me before she walked out of my office had been replaying in my mind all night.
I just want a guy who’s all in, who’s willing to fight for me. I’m tired of men who find it so easy to give up on me.
She deserved a man who was willing to fight for her. I just didn’t know if I could be that guy.
“Can’t say for sure yet,” Chee said, reaching for his coffee. “But I think you might be alright.”
I smiled. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but at least he wasn’t looking at me like he wanted to haul out a billy stick and beat me with it. “I appreciate you tryin’ to give me the benefit of the doubt.”
“I’m used to being judged,” he said, gesturing to his long white beard and tattoos. “People look at me and assume I’m this badass.” He laughed. “They wouldn’t be wrong, of course, but when it comes to my girls, I’m a bit of a softie.”
I had no doubt his daughters had this tough guy wrapped around their fingers all their lives. “You don’t say.” We shared an amused look before I said, “I get it, Chee. You want to protect Charli. I don’t blame you. If it were my daughter showing interest in a guy like me, I’d be trying to warn her off too.”
“It’s not so much that I was trying to warn her off,” he said, rubbing his forearm. “I just wanted her to keep her eyes open. Be cautious. I’ve seen her get hurt too many times, by losers who claimed they were in it for the long haul when I knew damn well they couldn’t think past next month.”
“And you must be questioning my issues with commitment, given the fact I’ve never been able to make a relationship work.” I kne
w if Charli and I had a chance of going the distance making her father an ally would make my life a hell of a lot easier, so I didn’t mind confiding in him about my past.
“I’m old school,” he said, draining his coffee mug. “I believe you marry once and spend the rest of your life figuring out how to make it work.” He chuckled. “Believe me, bein’ married to Aidy ain’t always easy.”
I smiled. I’d seen them bickering all night, but their affection for each other was obvious. Especially when he hauled her into his lap, smacked her bottom soundly when she passed him, or grabbed her wrist to steal a kiss when she walked by. They were still in love after all these years, and I was a little envious. I wanted that too. I just didn’t know how the hell to go about getting it.
“I didn’t bail on my past relationships because I expected easy, Chee. I can do hard, believe me.”
“I don’t doubt it,” he said, taking one last drag of his cigar before snuffing it out. “So, why did you bail then?”
“Didn’t have a choice.” I shrugged. “I couldn’t stay with a woman who didn’t love me anymore, who said I made her miserable because I was so selfish—”
“Are you selfish?” he asked. “Maybe that’s your problem. Relationships are all about give and take. If all you’re doin’ is takin’ it ain’t gonna last long.”
Sometimes I felt like I was the only one giving in my previous relationships, but it never seemed to be enough for my partners. They always wanted more. More money. More time. More vacations. More nights out on the town. More clothes. More jewelry. More started to feel like a chant that was taking up too much space in my head by the time I finally called it quits because I just didn’t have any more to give. I was wrung out. Tired of fighting. Tired of not being enough. Tired of failing and being miserable.
“I know what it takes to make a marriage work,” I said, clearing my throat. “My parents were a great example when I was growing up. The first time I got married, I thought we could build the kind of relationship they had, but it wasn’t meant to be.” I held my cigar between my teeth, taking one last pull before pressing it into the ashtray. “I guess that’s what I’ve been chasing all my life, a love like that.”
“Were you in love with any of these girls?” His voice was gruff as he crossed his arms, waiting. “And don’t bullshit me. I can see right through assholes who tell me what I want to hear.”
“Was I?” I considered the question a long time before I said, “I thought I was at the time.” It was hard to admit the truth, but necessary. This wasn’t about being honest with Chee. It was about being honest with myself. “But in the end… no. They were all wrong for me.”
“Hmm.” He stroked his beard before he asked, “And what kind of lady do you think is right for you?”
I sighed, tipping my head back as I stretched my legs out. “I’m not sure I even want to think about that right now, to be honest.”
“Why not?”
“Because if I did, I’d have to admit that Charli seems pretty damn perfect for me.”
“And that’s a problem?”
“It is.”
I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with her father, of all people, but it had been a long time since I’d felt comfortable enough to open up to someone like this. And I had to get this shit out before it ate me alive.
“Why?”
“Charli told me tonight that she wants a man who’ll fight for her.” I glanced at her old man. “And that’s what she deserves.”
“Agreed.”
“Fighting for a relationship…” I shook my head. “It feels like that’s all I’ve been doing for the past ten years. Fighting for one relationship, one woman, after another. I’m so damn tired of fighting.”
He nodded. “That’s understandable. But were any of those women worth fighting for?”
“No.” It’s not that they were terrible people. They may have been shallow and selfish, but I’d gone into every relationship with my eyes wide open, so I only had myself to blame. “But that didn’t stop me from fighting. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Giving up felt like failure and I was sick of failing.” In every other area of my life I’d conquered every challenge I’d faced, but being a three-time loser at marriage was a horse pill to swallow.
Chee laced his hands behind his head. “I guess you and I look at failure differently then.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life, but never viewed them as failures. That was just shit I had to go through to figure things out. Lessons learned, I guess.”
I chuckled, but it felt rough and raspy. “You think I needed two failed marriages and an engagement just to learn I’m not cut out for marriage?”
He tipped his head, studying me. “I think you needed those experiences to teach you a lesson about choosing the right woman next time.”
I closed my eyes, wondering if there was any truth to what he was saying. Could that be the real lesson in the chaos of the past decade? “I don’t know, man. Truth is, I’m having a hell of a time trusting my instincts right now.”
“No doubt.” He grinned. “But those guys who think they know it all, who’ve got it all figured out, are the ones who’ll fall the hardest when the rug gets ripped out from under ‘em.” He slapped my back. “Good thing about where you’re at? You’re flat on your back, questioning whether you have the strength to get back up again.” He smiled. “Could be you just need a helping hand from someone who cares.”
I immediately thought of Charli. My gut told me she’d started to care about me. And the feeling was definitely mutual, but could I let her in? Risk hurting her? That scared me even more than the possibility of being hurt again.
“You’re kinda quiet,” Charli said, as we drove down the dark country roads on the way back to my place. “I hope my dad wasn’t that bad.”
“We had a good talk,” I said, curling my hand around the steering wheel. I was itching to touch her. To link her fingers through mine or rest my hand on her leg, but after her soft-spoken words in my office, I didn’t think I had the right to touch her. “Underneath that gruff exterior he’s a really nice guy.”
She smiled. “I’m glad you got to see that side of him. Not many people do.”
I respected that he’d dropped the tough guy façade and been real with me. He opened up because, as he put it, he expected me to be straight with him.
“I didn’t expect that,” I said, lowering the volume when one of my songs came on the radio. “Actually developing a connection with your old man. Knox always told me how great he was. But I knew Chee had a lot of pre-conceived ideas about me. Says a lot about him that he could look past that and give me a chance.”
“I’m glad he did,” she said, reaching across the center console to rest her hand on my thigh. “You’re a great guy. And I’m glad he can finally see that.” She smiled. “Not that it matters to me what my parents think of you. I like you. That’s all that matters to me.”
“Me too.” I grabbed her hand and brought it to my lips. “I’ve thought a lot about what you said before you left the house tonight.”
She nodded. “I meant what I said, Dade. I can’t settle for less than I deserve ever again.” She looked out the window, even though we were engulfed in darkness. “I’ve learned a lot these past few years. About myself, through my relationships, and I finally understand what it’s gonna take to make me happy.”
I thought about Chee’s comments about lessons learned. Maybe he was right. Maybe my past relationships had been necessary, so I could learn what I really needed and wanted in a partner. Isn’t that essentially what Charli was saying? Her mistakes gave her clarity.
“You shouldn’t have to settle.” I didn’t want her to settle. I wanted her to have everything she deserved. I just wished I could be certain I was the guy who could give it to her.
“Tell me about your interview,” she said, squeezing my leg. “Did they give you a hard time… a
bout us?”
There wasn’t supposed to be an us. I was supposed to be denying that there was anyone special in my life, to avoid the shitstorm of more speculation, but when I tried to deny Charli the words got stuck in my throat.
My manager called after listening to the live radio interview and wanted to know why I hadn’t flat out denied there was anything between me and Charli, instead of laughing off the question and re-directing the conversation back to my new single.
I couldn’t answer him. I just knew that if Charli heard the interview later she might feel sad that I’d acted like she meant nothing to me and I couldn’t risk hurting her like that. In the end, sparing her feelings meant more to me than taking the easy road.
“He asked about us,” I said, closing my hand over hers. “I didn’t want to say too much.” I stole a glance at her. “I really don’t want you to get dragged into my crazy, any more than you already have been.”
She shrugged. “I appreciate that you want to protect me, but I’m a big girl, I can handle it.”
She thought she could handle it, but she’d barely had a taste of how relentless they could be. My last break-up warranted extra security for myself and my ex because the rag reporters followed us everywhere for weeks, trying to prove that some stupid love triangle had been the cause of our split.
“I don’t want your life to be more complicated because of me.” Thinking how honest I’d been with her old man, I decided I needed to be just as real with her. “I want to make you happy, Charli. Sounds like you’ve had too many guys make you miserable.”
Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out of her purse to glance at her screen. “Max. I’ll text him back later.”
I tensed at the mention of his name. He seemed like a decent guy, but there was no doubt in my mind that he wanted Charli. He might be a better fit for her than I was. His life was simple. He could give her so much more time and attention than I could, but that didn’t mean I’d step aside so she could explore something with him. I wasn’t that selfless.
Dirty Mind (Nashville Outlaws #2) Page 16
