by Daniel Kraus
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I oughta be steaming mad but Robbies changed into my favorite shirt and that gives me optimism. Its a tank top and when he wears it you get to see his sorry ass discount tats and how theyre malforming cuz a the growing flab. You also get to see how his arms and chest are all smooth. Thats cuz fat boy practices Total Body Hair Removal. Robbie says its some kind a buddha thing to remove barriers between your body and mind. Robbie also says bitches like it. Ha! Hairless ass fat boy never sexed a bitch except Little Lamb and she said it was crap. If you ask me, Total Body Hair Removal has the opposite effect. It causes pimples and rashes. Robbie pretty much never stops itching his balls.
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What makes the shirt my favorite shirt is it promotes a music group nobodys ever heard of. The band has itself a fly name, though. Barenaked Ladies! But before you start downloading their songs, let me explain that Barenaked Ladies are the saddest ass group of ugly ass pussies I ever saw. Two a these dicks have big ass glasses! One a them has dreads so bad its like a nightmare! And one a them is fat like Robbie! I bet even the whitest white dude in the world would look at these dudes and laugh his ass off. But if you criticize, Robbies face reds up and he defends them real hard, slobbering about how theyre underrated artistically and a bunch a other hilarious stuff. See why the shirt puts me in a positive mood?
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Midget stands on her head by the wall cuz shes practicing for school. Little sister has real skills when it comes to standing on her head. Plus for a bonus, lots a times theres bugs on the floor. Dag and me are starving though, its ten and we havent had a single nutrient. We aint ate half as much as Gwendolyn the ugly dog. You know Im eyeing those candies we just bought but Robbie will hulk out if we help ourself. So I check the fridge and all its got is ketchup and last time I squirted ketchup in my mouth Dag gagged like she might puke.
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Robbie shoves over all the stuff on the table. Mostly bowls with ants drowned in milk. Next he plops down a fancy basket a apples. Apples? Fat boy, youre crazy. First off, where did you acquire a fancy ass basket? Second, why did you buy like twelve dang apples? Robbie hates fruit. We all hate fruit. Next he plops down this busted up kleenex box that makes a rattle sound. Its been a time since I saw that box but I remember it for sure. Its where Robbie keeps his razor blades for cutting blow. Man, its been infinity since Robbie had any blow. Thats one of the best supermilk ingredients in history. Gets your ass lifted quick.
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When fat boy gets proud he sweats. Barenaked Ladies are clinging to his boobs. He says while the three a us were out lollygagging he hatched a brainstorm. What we should do, he says, is slide these razor blades into these fresh apples cuz think a how difficult itd be to detect. I guess me and Dag are just staring at him cuz he frustrates his face up and says how apples will work best cuz unwrapped candies look suspicious. He waits for our asses to agree but just being honest I dont know. Been a long ass time since Robbie was a child, you know? When I find candy on the sidewalk thats even got bites missing I still eat it. Dont tell Dag, yo.
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Robbie puts a apple in one hand, a blade in the other, and then he takes a minute to reflect on the angles and whatnot. Im about to suggest he tap the blade in with like a hammer but thats when Dag loses her mind. Her fuss over Gwendolyn dont even compare. Shes all bawling and snotting and thrashing. Robbie has a sweet set of NFL magnets I keep ranked accurate on the fridge and just like that Dags arm wipes out the whole AFC North. Steelers and Browns and Bengals flying every which way. She kicks a cabinet and you can hear the mice family inside run off scared. She punches the wall too, right on the light switch so the lights flicker like all a us are in a horror movie and this is when one a us gets macheted.
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Robbies speechless. Yo, me too. Me too, yo. Midget gets herself rightside up and I give her a smile so she isnt scared. Dag gets like this sometime. The girl has deep feelings inside. It makes me wish she had some female bitches for friends cuz female bitches understand how to handle freakouts. Me and Robbie arent skilled on the subject. We stand there like chumps while the light just goes on and off and on and off.
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You cant punch a light switch long before your knuckles get torn up. I get stomach pains cuz a how the light switch starts getting all these little red smears. I guess Midget experiences it too cuz she starts squeaking. That doesnt sit right with me cuz Im her brother now and even if Im just a kid and mad short and have pinkeye I still have to man up and stand tall.
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So I go up to Dag and say real sensitive
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Turns out though thats not what shes sobbing about at all. She starts telling off Robbie about how hes trying to ruin her Halloween cuz once word gets out some cheap ass mightyducker on Yellow Street is handing out fruits, wont any children bother coming to the house at all cuz handing out fruits on Halloween, thats some shameful ass sharkweek.
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Dags got some lip on her, right? Anyhow it explains her whole big fit. Girlfriends been slaving on her secret costume for weeks and there wont be any point to wearing it if no one comes around to see it.
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Fat boys dumbfounded. He looks like we stole his binkie. Dags still hollering and Midges still squeaking and Robbie starts pressing his hands over his ears. And its weird, yo. I get this video in my brain how all a Midgets private bug buddies hid themself inside Robbies skull and now theyre instructing his fat ass to do various sorts a odd junk, including this whole plan about fixing up dangerous candies, and now fat boys trying to keep those evil bugs from spilling out his ears.
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Robbie smacks himself on the head and says he bought these mightyducking apples at the overpriced price the mightyducking market man was selling and he will be danged if theyre gonna go to waste. He smacks himself a few more times till his faces so red it looks like hes embarrassed instead a pissed and thats when I understand the whole ballgame. The chubby ass lying ass assbutt never called his new dealer! Thats why he isnt fixing us frosty supermilks! Thats why he went and bought a fancy basket a dang apples instead! Hes scared!
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Boy, you know I want to say that right to his fat face. But that wont display any maturity. For Dags sake I got to play it polite. So I take the York Peppermint Pattie outta my boot. Yeah, I snuck it from Walgreen special just for me. I admit it.
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Sells for a buck seventeen a pop so cant everybody have one, you know? But to hell with it, I cant think with all this noise, so I show that mint chocolate treat to Robbie and say
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Robbie quits his head smacking and Dag sucks up her sniffles and Midge shuts up her squeaks. It happens fast like that. I hand over the Peppermint Pattie and the three a them look at me all grateful cuz I took a jacked up situation and fixed it. All right, yeah. Yeah. I feel a feeling I havent felt since I found a twenty spot Moms lost. Found that valuable bitch in the couch and I didnt keep it for myself and she hugged me strong. Dang. If I knew Id be feeling this tight for handing over a dang Peppermint Pattie Id be Johnny Appleseeding all our stolen candies across this whole great ass nation, forever and ever.
Dag
Monday and Wednesday and Saturday Dag has piano lessons and todays Saturday so shes got to go. Piano Ladys a trip. She laughs like a donkey. Shes got a haircut Dag calls pageboy but I call fugly. She dresses like a lumberjack and has big glasses and big jugs and a big ass too. Dag told me Piano Ladys a gay ass lesbian and I a
sked her how she knew that and Dag said she just knew. I disagreed but mainly cuz I was disappointed. Piano Ladys roundabout the same age as Robbie. I thought maybe them two could get together and have them some regular people sex and maybe go to the movies and whatnot.
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I met Piano Lady the only time I ever went to Dags crib. How it happened was first me and Dag were chilling at Robbies and Dag was fussing about why the people of Middle Earth didnt take out Mount Doom years ago cuz Rohan and Gondor were pretty much right next door. Its a good question and I was proud a my bitch. I ended up walking her ass home past the dozers cuz the answer took a ton of explaining. See, you have to account for geographical terrain like the Dead Marshes and the Ash Mountains and the Drúadan Forest. Natural locations like that slow your armies down and thats usually when your asses get jumped by wargs and fell beasts and crebain, bad mightyduckers like that.
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Before I know it we get to this pleasant ass brick ass house with flowers and a driveway and a mailbox. Used to be public housing like on Red Street and Blue Street but a few years back the dozers rolled up and destructed it and up popped these sweet ass cribs called Pinebluff Glenn Estates. Its like they turned Mordor to Hobbiton! People here have riding mowers and sprinklers. Next door to Dag theres two children playing hockey in their driveway with a sweet net I bet their folks got at Target. Place smells nice too. No pee stink or nothing. Only thing I cant figure is where theyre hiding all their dumpsters.
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Dag says bye and walks away real quick but I say hold up I got to take a dump. She looks at me like Im gross and my stupid pale ass face blushed up red as hell. Dang, Jody! Dang! If you got to make up stuff in front of a honey dont make it about taking a dump!
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She pauses like shes considering if theres a alley close by where a guy can drop a deuce. She lets me in though and, robocop, that casa was kicking! I scope out this humongous ass TV and speakers taller than me and so much light coming through so many windows I just stand there blinking like a fool. Dag tells me to take off my sneaks and even though thats a weird ass rule Im glad I did cuz the carpets the softest carpet my feet ever experienced. I curl my toes in it deep. Dag points down the hall and says the bathrooms on the left and then off she goes. Place is all quiet. You cant hear anyone talking anywhere. Im double thankful for the soft carpet cuz when I sneak off to spy it gives me super stealth.
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Dags fam enjoys the hell out a putting stuff in frames. Some a them are pictures of nature. Like a beautiful waterfall on a beautiful mountain. Respect! Dags fam kicks all kinds a photographical ass! Then I remember when Dag and me bused to Target and how they sell beautiful waterfall pictures to anybody that wants one. It still looks impressive though and if I had the cash Id buy me two beautiful waterfall pictures, one for Moms to bring her peace and one for Robbie to cover up the wall holes where mice have babies.
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The rest a the pictures are of fam. Dags moms and pops are attractive as hell. Dags pops is popping a suit like George Clooney. And Moms? Id tap that so hard. Bitch has her eyes big and her lips big and her hair big too like Sandra Bullocks, plus shes wearing a sparkly Academy Award dress that shows some nice tittie. If Dag plans on maturing her bod like that then I need to hurry my ass up and grow least a foot and also do something about my wiener. Tight ass abs are only gonna get a killer like me so far.
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Her sister Lotte shows up in just one picture. Its a snap of the whole fam but you can tell right off which person got certified nuts. Lottes about sixteen in the picture and shes pretty banging too except she dont have makeup like her moms or ribbons in her hair like Dag. Lottes hairs frizzed out wild and her eyes look like theyve been punched and shes wearing this gray thing that doesnt have any shape and shes smiling like she knows some terrible information the rest a them dont. Honestly? It creeps me out, especially knowing how later Lotte tried to off herself and thats how come her attractive parents locked her spooky ass in the joint.
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If you ask me, thats why Dags folks ride Dag like they do. Now its all up to Dag to do them proud. Piano and tap dance are just the start. Girlfriend goes to school at the crack a dawn to talk crap in a debate group and she stays late to blow a flute in some wack ass band. Shes in a coding club and shes like class vice president too and also shes on some special ass math team that answers questions for extra credit or for fun or I dont even know why.
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Its not like Im glad Lotte went mental, but let me drop some truth. If Lotte didnt get her ass locked up, then her folks wouldnt a put all their big hopes on Dag, and then Dag wouldnt a rebelled her ass by going secret klepto and forming a whole different secret fam with me and Midge and I guess Robbie too. And Im real grateful for that! But also Im sympathetical too. Cuz now Dags got to be two daughters at once. I dont have degrees in this like Miss Poole but to me it seems like a good way to mess up Dags brain the same way they messed up Lottes.
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Dags crapper is cleaner than any crapper I ever saw. Sink, floor, counter, all of it gleaming. I do need to take a leak but its like I got hypnotized. I get the puffy seat up and my wiener out but I cant make pee. Even the inside a the can is clean. And the water smells good. Like flowers. Just doesnt seem right putting pee in that. I think about the bathroom wall in Robbies crib and how its got this yellow crust of pee splatters thats been building up since his parents left so I squat real close so my pee wont make any splatters. I pee a little bit and after I flush I think about washing my hands in that sparkly sink and drying my hands on them fuzzy towels but nah. Id just mess them up.
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When Im done theres piano playing coming from somewhere but the house is a maze. I discover a whole other humongous ass TV and this wall rig with a speaker so you can radio other rooms. The strangest thing is this sound like a blender coming from behind a door. It gets me thinking about supermilk so I open the door and theres this little robot shaped like a pizza zooming across the carpet. Its a vacuum. Freaks me out. If Dags fam has robot vacuums they probably also have security cams so I haul ass out a there and bust through some rooms and theres Dag sitting at a piano longside Piano Lady.
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Piano Ladys like
Dear Lotte,
Ding-dong, mail call. Can you feel the difference? It’s the absence of prying eyes. Papa declared I was old enough to write you without him and Mama peeking. Uh, yeah? I stuffed Clara Bear McGrumpy in the trash over a year ago? It’s not like I couldn’t have gotten the Clinic’s address online if I wanted. Anyway, you better believe I’m using my own hot little hand to drop this in a mailbox. Mama’s the world’s worst snoop. As you know.
Yes, your fish are F-I-N-E. I can’t believe you’re still asking about your fish. You care more about those fish than every person on the planet put together. Yes, Papa got promoted. No, I’m not going to smelt all my trophies into cannonballs(?!). Yes, hooray, I’ve graduated to an A cup. Yes, I’m wearing makeup, and frankly I don’t care if you approve or not. No, no one asks about you anymore. Zilcho, nada. But what do you expect, Lotte? You’ve been gone forever.
I’m tired of answering questions. If you really cared about the answers, you could get better, come home, and find them out yourself.
Sorry if that was mean. I’m a bitch, ha ha ha. Proba
bly because of the pressure I’m under. At least that’s what they tell me. Funny, I don’t feel any pressure. Think of all the meetings, rehearsals, and responsibilities you used to have. Now double it: that’s my schedule. And you know what? It’s easy. You ever wonder why other people are so bad at everything? I can’t figure it out. However, I did figure out your trick for making Mama and Papa quit watching so closely. If you do everything, you can get away with anything.
You know what I’m talking about. You’re depressed, not dumb. So I’ll answer one more question. Yes, I do visit the neighborhood south of The Glenn. Mama and Papa would wig out if they knew, and I suppose I can’t stop you from tattling. But if you do, I’ll deny it. Remember which of us is the “crazy” one.
It’s not like I’m hurting anyone. That one, single time I mentioned Jody in a letter, Mama demanded his pedigree papers. I haven’t mentioned him since. But he lives right over on Yellow Street (the bulldozers aren’t quite there yet) and I see him most days. He may not be smart, but he’s smart enough not to care that I’m President of Coding Club and have the dance solo in High Voltage. He likes me for me. He’s the only one in the world who knows the things that really go on in my head. Well, you may have some idea, ha ha ha.
Jody’s crafty. I know how you like crafty boys, Lotte. Yesterday he was chopping up a tire with a machete. Why, you might ask? I might ask you back, why not? Chopping up a tire makes about as much sense as twirling around gymnastic bars. He kept cutting himself, but I thought the blood looked good. Jody’s short, and blood makes short guys look manlier. When boys get in fist fights at PS 220 I always try to get a front row seat. That’s why I like public school. There’s heroes here, whereas all Our Lady of Heavenly Blessing had were a bunch of girls who were bad in all the same boring ways. No wonder you went bonkers.
