by Daniel Kraus
Yes I destroyed someone’s life with violence. Yes I did. But I’m trying & will keep trying & maybe someday can help others who are also trying & need help to make better Choices & even maybe Youngsters who have been through things Even Worse than me & I can help by being a friend & that’s worth something isn’t it? Maybe I can be a different kind of Fixer & fix their troubles like I fixed the Uterus & maybe when I’m done fix my own stupid self too. Thank you for your time Judge.
Robbie
Let me tell you a secret. I know why Robbies rageful. I know why he hates this town and I know why tonight he wants to mightyduck it up. Fat boy was high as hell one night and he told me the whole sad story. He didnt tell Dag and he didnt tell Midget. This is the kind a thing you keep strictly between robocops.
* * *
A long time after he was a newspaper hero Robbie turned himself into a Knight. He was footballing fierce from the day he started middle school. Robbie says he wasnt fat back then and I believe it cuz you cant be dodging tackles if youre humping around a extra hundred. Every time fat boy hit the field he owned it. Dude was kamikaze. Leaping right over the line. Taking a pass across what he calls the midfield. Win or lose, didnt matter. Robbie laid his body out. Pretty soon bleacher bums start chanting his name and fly cheerleaders start putting special posters on his locker. Boy was living large.
* * *
I havent myself been on any sports teams personally but I know theres hardly no freshmen that go straight to varsity. But thats what happened. Ninth grade and pow. My boys a baller. Butting helmets with king kongs but hes hanging. Getting himself tattooed regular, but hes hanging. Coach S puts a quote in the paper how Robbies got raw talent like hes never seen and thats a badge a honor cuz in this town people respect Coach S better than Jesus. But Coach S also says raw talents not enough and if you want to be a starter at fourteen you got to work twice as hard. So what Coach S does is line up this assistant coach to work with Robbie special after practice.
* * *
You know how teachers are always blabbing on sex abuse like its their favorite thing to blab on? And how all the books the school librarian wants us to read has kids gaining important lessons about sex abuse? Well that boring ass school library junk actually happened for real to Robbie! Hes all sex abused and whatnot and its not boring after all. Ninth grades hardly even started for fat boy when that assistant coach I mentioned starts pulling some serious afterhours unethics.
* * *
Robbie laughed like it was funny when he described it and I went along and laughed too cuz I was enjoying a supermilk and its nice when Robbies in a positive mood. But, yo, for real? That sharkweek was mightyducked. Robbie said the dude didnt even touch his wiener. What he did was put his thumb up Robbies butthole. Dont ask me why. It was just his thing. He stuck it up there and with his other hand he sexually enjoyed himself or however you want to put it. What Robbie told me super secret was that he didnt hate it that much. Didnt hate the assistant coach either. He was just scared someone might walk in and witness it, cuz if that news got out the situation round school would get rough.
* * *
What Robbie calculated was if the thumb stuff was part a his extra practice, then he just had to get so skilled he didnt need any extra practice. Hard to believe even Robbie was that dumb but thats how he thunk it out. So homeboy OGd that sport. He clocked defense boys so hard their helmets flew off. He dove with the ball like he was trying to break his neck. Other teams accused him a roiding up but he peed clean. Plus hes touchdowning like a pimp so whats Coach S gonna do? Bench his freshman ass?
* * *
Meanwhile hes getting banged up. Hes puking buckets on the sidelines and fainting when he comes off the field and at school hes having headaches so big hes crying tears. Robbie asks me if I know what all that signifies and I say do I look like a medical doctor? So he tells it to me straight. Concussions. Concussions like crazy and his coaches didnt see fit to do a thing. So Robbie keeps running and jumping and puking and fainting cuz, you know, he prefers not having a thumb up his butt every night before supper.
* * *
The seasons about over and Robbies chilling in biology. The biology teacher gives the whole class sharp ass pins so they can learn their blood type which sounds revolting if you ask me, but I guess thats the kind of stuff teachers did back in medieval times. Robbies prepping to blood himself when the teacher gets a note that says Robbies got to get with Coach S. Every single biology pimp and biology ho quits poking their fingers cuz this news is flabbergasting. No kid in history ever got a private daytime conference with Coach S.
* * *
So Coach S is this handsome blond hustler thats cut even though hes old. Dude pounds so much coffee hes got two pots blasting twenty four seven and his whole body vibrates like he wants to pitbull your throat. Ask any footballer and theyll tell you if you find yourself in Coach Ss office you better be ready to sweat it out. Thats how Robbie can tell things arent normal. Coach S isnt yelling. Hes smiling and offering Robbie a chair and a thing a coffee. Robbie takes the chair but not the coffee cuz Robbies got good taste like me and knows coffee is some foul ass dirt tasting garbage.
* * *
Coach S found out about the butthole deal. He doesnt mention if he learned it from a spy or secret camera or what but he apologizes. Robbie tells me its real obvious Coach S isnt used to saying sorry. Dude pounds coffee every other word and fidgets like he needs to drain a leg. He explains how hes gonna deal with the assistant coach private and he doesnt see a reason anyone has to know about this, and also by the way Robbies fixing to make all state if he keeps going strong on the field. Coach S is being all complimentary and reassuring and muscular. Hows Robbie supposed to react to that? Hes not even grown.
* * *
So check this out. Nobody calls the popo. Nobody gets fired. Next season comes and the assistant coach is steady working and Coach S is acting like nobodys thumbs ever been up nobodys butthole. That gets Robbie feeling strange, I guess, so he just tries to focus real hard. He miracles that football in the end zone a hundred thousand times. Sophomore year, junior year, senior year. Meanwhile sets a Guinness record for concussions. Knights are winning, though, so nobody cares how, not in this evil ass town they dont.
* * *
But privately and whatnot? Fat boys building a Eiffel Tower a rage. Hes the danged star of the danged team but he still aint got any dang friends? Still cant score a single piece a ass? I wasnt there but Ill tell you this. Females are good at sensing things with their instincts. No doubt all the cheerleaders and girlies intuitioned Robbie wasnt normal. Robbie even told me straight up, after he got buttholed he wasnt even sure about his sex stuff until Little Lamb.
* * *
Man, I dont know. Thats a lot of heavy stuff to be blaming on a thumb up your butt. Dont tell anybody but I put a thumb up my own butt just to check it out and I guess it was weird but I sure didnt lose my dang mind over it.
* * *
Anyway Robbie focused his rage on Coach S. If youre from around here I dont have to tell you how it went down. It was climactic as hell. Last game a the year. Clock running out and all that. Knights got to win or they miss the playoffs and around these parts thats worse than 9/11. And Robbie does what he always does. He busts out with the ball like a robocop on fire. Nobodys got the ability to stop his powerful ass. Crowds jumping. Cheerleader tits bouncing. Player is in full effect. The kind a stuff you dream about. Robbie never crossed that field so victorious since he carried Mrs Fs little boy to safety.
* * *
Nobody in the world knows why Robbie did what he did except me. Robbie blended me another supermilk and told me exclusive. He was hauling ass down the sideline to win the game and he happened to pass Coach S and Coach S wasnt cheering or clapping or nothing. He was smirking like he owned Robbies ass. That filled Robbie with feelings, you know? Like his ass had been played by grown men that oughta know better and all this cheering was for selfish ass adult mightyduckers t
hat looked the other way.
* * *
Robbie stops right on the one yard line. Id give my left nut to see a video of that. Homes just pulls up short. Coach S is making noise now, right? Hes jumping and spitting like hes having a epileptical. Robbie turns around so cold the other team just backs off. Players are standing all confused and the refs are whistling their whistles and just like that the Knights whole season is junked but Robbie doesnt care, hes walking then jogging then sprinting full force at the bench and before anyone knows whats up fat boy takes out Coach S with the baddest hit anybodys seen all game. Robbies life is full of wack ass stuff but that hit? He can stand tall on that forever.
* * *
Takes like ten players to stop Robbie bashing. A while back I met this Mexican working the corner across from school, goes by the name a Speck, and Speck says he was sitting in the front row chomping a chili cheese dog when that legendary occurrence occured, and he says Coach Ss face was like a plate of blood and teeth. They ambulanced that big blond bastard out a there quick but it was too late cuz he was messed up big time.
* * *
Speck said he scoped out Coach S at Hardees a couple years later and he wasnt handsome any more and Speck only knew him cuz a his Knights sweatie. His nose jacked as hell and one eye wonked way to the left. Nastiest of all was his mouth cuz the top jaw dont meet up correct anymore, not even after they wired the pieces back together. Supposedly Coach S had to smoosh his fries with a plastic fork before he pasted the potato paste between his big giant replacement teeth. Hardees people came by and gave him respect but he threw a napkin holder at them.
* * *
The end a that game was game over for Robbie too. Might as well have raped Santa Claus. He was underage and his lawyer was all right so he did juvie instead a the clink but I think it was still pretty rough. Course I asked him if he ever told anybody the truth about what went down and Robbie didnt answer but I bet if he did spill it, it landed soft, you know what Im saying? Besides you cant have molester junk talked about on the streets and expect to have any peace.
* * *
While Robbie was in juvie, people went wild on his parents crib. At some point I guess his folks had enough of all the spray paint wieners and cat death and fire bottles and trucked their asses out. Did it fast too. Left all their nice junk, all the incredible clocks, not to mention the whole actual physical house. Problem is, a house stills got bills. And Robbie was just a dumb juvenile. Theres wasnt a whole lot a job prospecting for the boy that did Coach S, you know? Even them that did hire Robbie ended up firing his ass, cuz Robbies brain has problems from all those years a concussions.
* * *
Robbie has a library card. Yeah, it surprised me too. One day he bused his fat ass there and computered till he got a page describing how concussions mess you up. Dag had to read it out loud cuz Robbie says white paper blinds his eyes. I know that sounds made up but it turns out its one a the symptoms! It said so right on the page! Dag read the whole thing and dang if it didnt describe Robbie perfect. It said how concussioned people cant focus and overreact about everything and cant sleep proper either. They get worried and depressed and emotional and mad, and when they get older like Robbie they get dementia.
* * *
Robbie goes
* * *
Hate to say it but I agree. Least it explains why Robbie has so many stupid behaviors. Back in school he chilled at this place The Lung, where if you was a athlete you could play pool and darts and smoke up and drink lots and the owners just laughed and said what a good game you boys played. Couple years after he attacked Coach S, brain damaged Robbie went back to The Lung, I guess cuz he was lonely and thought bygones were bygone, and he told me he got the worst beating he ever got. He coughed up gunk for a month.
* * *
The most maniacal mightyducker was this boy Ketchum, #69 back when he played with Robbie. When I heard that name I cracked how Ketchum better be ketchum some touchdown passes but Robbies never appreciative of puns. Anyway he informed me Ketchum was a offensive guard that worshipped Coach S, so when he saw Robbie in The Lung he didnt waste any time clobbering fat boy in the head with a glass pitcher. Must a been a miracle pitcher from god cuz it didnt crack, not even after Ketchum did Robbie with it about fifty times. Ketchum filled that pitcher with beer and last thing Robbie saw before he passed out was his own blood mixed up in beer, swirling around, and #69 slurping it right down his throat.
* * *
Back when he used to earn some chip, Robbie got lifted constant, smoking and snorting and philosophing like he was a deep ass dude, and now and then he reflected on The Lung, how later it felt like the whole town was drinking his blood every day. Screwing up his car back when he owned a car. Having hos fake flirt then laugh in his face. Getting his hard working ass fired from every piece a crap job there was. Making fun a how he didnt have any people no more. Just doing him wrong over and over just because he didnt know how to stop getting butt thumbed in a locker room when he was little. So, yeah, robocop. Hes got rage. Hes got it deep. Took him a time but now fat boys ready to step up.
Natural Light
Dag and me were proud about choosing Three Musketeer instead of Snickers but now Im having doubts. Robbie selects some items from what he calls the utility drawer. Tacks and nails and staples and pins. Fat boys getting creative. He snaps off the sharp edge of a thing a packing tape. Practically slices his thumb off while he does it. But when we try getting all the sharp objects inside candy bars? Nope. Three Musketeers too fluffy. Keeps squooshing out like pus. Fat boy pushes this sharp little screw in a Three Musketeer real careful and asks how it looks and I reply honest. It looks like a Three Musketeer with a screw in it!
* * *
Robbie has no humor left. Not today. He chucks the delicious candy bar right off my ear, and after I brush off the floor scuzz and dig out the screw I eat it cuz its about noon and I havent had crap for food. Cant enjoy it, though. The first reason is cuz my mouth tastes scabby from when my nose bled down my throat and the second reason is Robbies mad at me and he has a right to be. What did he tell us? He told us Snickers! Snickers! It burns me up when I screw up simple stuff. I need to redeem myself with a brainstorm so I start looking around the kitchen. And guess what? A big ass brainstorm is exactly what I get!
* * *
Theres a couple a Natural Light empties on top a the fridge from back when Robbie had the green for bottles instead of cans. Theyre half filled with Robbies old spit from back when he had the green for chaw but I dump that sludge and go smash. I bust the bottles right over the sink. Robbie starts bugging but I tell him to hush.
* * *
I use a calendar to transfer a bunch a sharp broken glass bits to the table. Its a calendar Robbies old man had of sexy ladies and Octobers a sexy witch flying a broom and even though its ancient Im glad Robbie keeps it around cuz sexy witches make Halloween even nicer. Next thing I do is look for a object thats got serious pounds to it, like a brick, but the heaviest thing I find is a dented ass can a soup. Robbies groceries are always dented for some reason. I guess hes got bad luck choosing groceries. Anyway I start pounding the glass with the soup on top a the sexy witch. Robbie clues in on my brainstorm and takes over smashing duty cuz even though hes obese hes way stronger than a small ass kid like me.
* * *
Now we have a pile of twinkly little grinded up shards. They go slivering into Three Musketeer real smooth and its easy smushing them into Gummy Body Parts and Gummy Bugs. Dag bought two Pez, one with a witch head and one with a pumpkin head, and no nails or pins are gonna fit in those plastic tubes. But a nugget a glass fits perfect. Nicest surprise of all is the Twirl Pops I bought for Midget. If you lick the pops first the grinded up glass sticks to it and looks like sugar and then you can just wrap it back up. Man, can I be honest with you? Im feeling special as hell. That right there was my idea. Nothings ever my idea at school.
* * *
Two
Natty Lights dont go far though. We make enough for about ten, twelve trick or treaters. Wont last us five minutes when Halloween in the hood gets thick. Robbie keeps eyeing all the clocks even though Midget screwed up the times. But I know what hes thinking. Hes thinking its time to motor his ass across town and get the package. Im glad cuz sooner or later Robbies got to nut up. Plus I think its better if we candy up with drugs instead a glass cuz when I imagine children with blood coming outta their mouths? I dont know. Just dont like to think about it is all.
* * *
Before Moms turned serious about TV she taught me it was shameful to create waste so I find a White Castle napkin and scoop the leftover glass dust off the sexy witch into a box of Spooky Nerds. After that I discover Robbie supermodeling in the bathroom mirror. The mirror has all these little dots from when Robbie pops zits. Fat boys put his nice black jacket on top a the Barenaked Ladies. It fits too tight cuz fat boy is fat and makes a fart noise cuz his skin is slick from Total Body Hair Removal. Robbie also busts out a comb and parts his hair and combs out the dandruff too. I take a sec to appreciate all that respectful behavior. Things are rough around the way. No doubt. Robbie, though, hes striving, you know? Hes striving to get things right.
