by Daniel Kraus
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Whole scenes got me feeling mixed up. Robbie said Im not his friend. Whats that about? But at the same time, Im feeling fat boy. Im feeling him hard. Theres no more Mrs Fullertons out there keeping tabs on his ass, you know? If hes got business to take care of, hes got to take care of it himself, just like #69 Kyle Ketchum did after Coach S got mangled. This whole town does Robbie same as Ketchum, unfair as hell, and tonight, with or without Ketchums drugs, theyre gonna be sorry.
Queen
Longside the razor blade candies and all them useless apples our drug haul amounts to just a pinch. All Robbie scored was a baggie a blow, a strip a acid, and a few pills a dust. Im glad Midge made herself scarce cuz our supermilk dreams are fading fast. Robbie pitches his nice black jacket to the floor and the Barenaked Ladies are soaked to his titties. Tits, tits, my bad. Robbie crosses his hairless tattoo arms across his soaked tits and takes in the whole pitiful spread. I cant even look. First the candies were chose poor. Then there werent enough blades. Now we dont have enough drugs? The plans doomed to fail just like all Robbies plans fail.
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But hold up. Robbie doesnt bust any dishes. Doesnt chuck any stools. Doesnt smack himself on the head either. You can see inspiring spirit fill up his eyes. Business didnt go like he hoped with #69 Kyle Ketchum but what does Robbie care, you know? Its just one more betrayer in a life full a betrayers like his coach and his folks and his lawyer and Little Lamb. Robbies inspiring eyes tell me hes gonna use that stack of betrayers like firewood to power his ass forward like Boromir son of Denethor Steward of Gondor wanted real bad to use the One Ring against Mordor. Boromir was wrong but I think Robbies right.
* * *
Its coming up on three oclock and fat boy knows time is tight. He puts his fists on his hips and starts nodding and before he says a word Im proud a the chubby fool. Lets be real. This is it, yo. Robbies clocking out after tonight. This is his masterpiece and when its over the uniforms are gonna show up and drag Robbies ass to the joint. But the point is hes not gonna back down, hes not gonna step off, hes gonna run this play like he used to run the football, and hes gonna make the end zone one more time, you best believe.
* * *
He starts delivering orders and this time? Robocop, Im honored to be one of his Mission Impossibles. Im gonna prove to Robbie how Im a friend worth claiming next time someone asks. Robbie says, screw it. We worked hard and we did up some candies pretty good. But you know whatll do them up better than blades or blow? Chemicals. My brain starts imagining mad scientist stuff till Robbie opens a cabinet and takes out a big jug a Draino. Fat boys being all wise and teachery like Jesus. If you just open your eyes, he says, everything you need is right in front of you.
* * *
Robbie pulls out what paper hes got left from Ketchum. Just a sorry ass pile a singles. He jogs his lard ass to his bedroom closet and brings down this torched coffee pot where he keeps his secret bank. Sure isnt secret to me. I detectived that stash when I was just a wee little punk. But Im respectful of secret coffee pots and havent borrowed but fifty or sixty bucks over the years. No reason for Robbie to hide it anymore. In football they call this the two minute warning. He pours the whole pot a cash on top a the sexy witch and adds in the Ketchum singles and then he counts that mess out three times cuz Robbie doesnt have any more room for mistakes.
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He takes fifty for himself and the rest he folds into my hand. Thats a nice suprise, right? He squats down next to me and shouts for Midget to get her ass in here and then he starts instructing me quiet and dramatic how I have one final job to Mission Impossible, how I got to run to Walgreen one final time. He yells for Midge again. He tells me trick or treats not but three hours away and we need some organization pronto in this bitch. My mission, if I choose to accept it, is to purchase the most poison ass products Walgreen sells and hustle my white ass back to Yellow Street.
* * *
So heres the rest of the plan. While I do a shopping spree, Robbies gonna turn the crib out and see what old chemicals hes got hiding. Divide and conquer, he says. Divide and mightyducking conquer! I dont interrupt his flow cuz hes going smooth but in my head I hope he does the bathroom closet first cuz thats pretty much the Robbie Museum of Natural History. Theres Robbie artifacts in there like you wouldnt believe. Whole set a silver ass silverware that must be a heirloom and a box full a satan books he stole from the library back when he tried to be a satanist. The whole story of his broken ass family is there if you know where to look.
* * *
Nuttiest thing I ever found inside was a box filled with dog junk. You know, junk for a dog. Heartworm treats and doggie shampoo and flea goop. Probably not toxic enough for putting on candies but dang. Who knew Robbie owned a dog? Its as mysterious as Lottes goldfish Ive never seen. Guess Robbie treated his dog good too. See, thats the kind a thing that makes you reevaluate a fat boy. Anyway further back theres also a bunch a crusty ass rusted ass corroded ass bottles a cleaning junk his folks musta bought before they scooted.
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Robbie hollers for Midge again but all of a sudden shes right there. That kind a stealth ass behavior doesnt bother us much. Midgets always been a sneaky bitch. Except this time me and Robbie are spooked. Midgets shiny. Midgets straight up glistening. For a sec I think shes done herself up in jewels but that isnt it. Its flies. Girls covered in a thousand flies. I cant move. Cant say nothing. Robbie cant move or say nothing either. The smart part of my brain tells me to run away from that buggy mess fast as my short ass legs can go but the crazy part wants to wipe all them bugs away, cuz Midge is my sister, man, shes my sister.
* * *
Im freaking. Its like I dont want to see. Like I dont want to see nothing no more, not ever. Like I want to rip my eyeballs out so they have to give me a seeing eye dog with a special official vest and I can just pet it and never have to see nothing confusing or scary ever again. Focus, Jody. Look, little killer. You recognize that gunk. That sticky yellow gunk.
* * *
Flypapers, man. Midge wrapped herself in flypapers. Thats all it is. Three strips was all she got from the bachelor den but shes a tiny thing and she did herself up like the mummies we learned about that live under the sphinx. Little sisters wrapped so tight theres black bug guts smeared all over her arms and neck and face and that grody sight about makes me gag.
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Worst part is how Midge is smiling. Shes happy as hell. These right here are her friends. Her best friends. Better than me, better than Dag. These are the friends she talks to special. Just look at her lips, shes whispering like theyre all her little serfs and shes their queen, a queen from a land like Middle Earth where a queen dresses up in the hides of her people, their dead bodies fueling her ass with their spirit and strength and whatnot, all a them extra legs and extra wings and extra eyes working overtime so nobody can get the drop on her. Whod be able to abuse a little ass girl when shes mighty queening like that? Right? Aint that right? Dang, man, just tell me thats right.
Fam
Situation in the crib is silent. Robbies covering his mouth tight. No mice are scurrying nowhere. Flypapers crackle like fire each time Midget breathes. I can feel it come. The itch. Its awful. Burns like I scratched myself everywhere. Heavy too like its scabbing over. The weight of all them scabs building and building like pressure. Pressing down hard. Like its gonna flatten our asses. Its us thats the flies, yo. You ever think a that? Like maybe the flies are us and all a us are gonna get swatted?
* * *
Robbie hasnt lived a life a courage but in these last hours things are changing. He reaches out. Cant believe my eyes. He reaches out, cups the side a Midges head, right by the ear, touching the sticky flypaper like he doesnt mind. His other hand comes out too. Im not prepared, not for this. His other hand comes out and cups my cheek the same way. Nothings ever been like this. I take hold a Robbies wrist with my left hand and hold the other side of Midgets neck with my right hand. I do it insti
nctive. Then the three a us are connected like fam and its powerful. Way up in my chest it stirs powerful as hell. I never felt nothing like it and the itch is gone and Im cool as the wind that blew the leaves in earlier, and I dont want none a it to end but of course its got to.
* * *
Robbie pets my hair with his thumb, faggot stuff, and I dont even care. He does the same to Midge and shes telling her flies all about it. Robbies all snotty and emotional and says I better be on my way. He shows us his last fifty bucks and says while Im at Walgreen hes gonna journey to McDonald and purchase us a feast. Use every last cent hes got cuz why not? We should have a huge ass last supper with all the tasty junk we enjoy best. Big macs, filet o fishes, nuggets, large pops, all that delicious stuff. He promises we will eat like we havent ever ate. We will celebrate fam. We will do it up right so we dont ever forget.
To My Little Lamb,
I didn’t want to write this letter which is only the 3rd letter I’ve written by hand in my life but your Disrespectful & Hurtful actions forced me to or else I don’t think I’d ever sleep again bc of how I’m sick all the time bc I wasn’t treated like a Man. I’m sorry you have to read a Letter that’ll hurt you also but if you knew how I can’t eat & spend all night on a toilet you’d realize you’re getting off Easy.
We used to be so loving to each other Little Lamb what happened? I remember like it was Yesterday you combing my hair with your sparkly fingernails & sure you were High & Drunk but you said I didn’t deserve how everyone hates me & you never had a Man touch you so gently & although I was a Very Bad kisser & So Bad at sex I couldn’t do it without Problems you didn’t mind bc a Man can get better at those things but no Man can get better at gentleness.
I shouldn’t have cried when you said that bc you probably lost Respect for me but Little Lamb you don’t know what it felt like to be praised by someone & if that someone was a Beautiful Sexy Woman how it would make me feel like I was Worth Something for the first time in Many Years.
Now I just think you’re a b****! You liked me well enough when I was bringing in Cold Hard Cash from my sign holding job. Back then you were like oh Robbie let’s buy rum & cokes & weed & you used the word “we” but let’s be honest about who was using his Cold Hard Cash to buy the things “we” wanted. I didn’t care bc I loved you Little Lamb & maybe I shouldn’t have told you I love you on the first night we were together especially right after I had sex Problems but I couldn’t help it you were so Beautiful & Sexy & most of all Caring.
Do you even know why I lost my job holding signs you b****? It was bc the Turmoil I suffered when I found you f****** that guy Edgar which I suppose was forgivable since we’d only known each other a short time but still hurt bc you were doing it in my personal bed. You might think it’s easy holding signs but I was crying so much I had to take my gloves off to wipe my tears unless I wanted oil on my face & then my hands got cold & I dropped the sign & when the foreman yelled at me I admit I swung my sign at him. Little Lamb you know Jody & Midget & Dag are at my house all the time & are Very Young & I can’t have them seeing people f*** in my house even if it was me & you which it definitely Was Not.
I know you don’t approve of Jody & Midget & Dag bc you have said it repeatedly & even said I was a Dirty Pedo which was cruel even if it was a joke. Those three kids are like family & I’m teaching them manners such as not using swear words as you can see in this Letter. Personally I think it’s Adult people who are betrayers & Young people who accept you for the Friend you are. Little Lamb I hate to say this but your b**** ways have proven this to be true.
You know I forgave you for Edgar but I don’t understand why you had to f*** that banger Derek two days later once again in my personal bed. To be honest Little Lamb it made me wonder if you were a hooker! That was Very Hurtful & when I started crying & you laughed & said I should beat Derek’s naked ass that was even More Hurtful bc it made me feel like I wasn’t a Man. Derek also shouldn’t have started salsa dancing on top of the bed with his d*** flopping around & shouldn’t have gone into the kitchen Totally Naked to eat my food but this Letter isn’t about that banger Derek it’s about You & Me.
My life has been So Difficult Little Lamb! Every time you complained about the bulldozer noise it reminded me how I’ve lost everything & pretty soon will probably lose the house. You said you’ve had Hard Times too. So why couldn’t our Hard Times bring us closer together? Instead you acted like it was a contest. I’d be like “They shut my water off” & you’d be like “Oh yeah well I have a UTI so shut up” & Little Lamb I’ve never had a girlfriend before but that’s not how they act in movies!
I know you said you’re not my Girlfriend & although I disagreed bc of the Highly Personal things I shared, maybe you were right bc why else would you f*** Butch in the backyard while I was making eggs & the very next day f*** Renny in the front yard while I was busy with diarrhea cramps? Imagine how ashamed you’d feel if Jody & Midget & Dag had come over that particular night. I bet you’d be Very Ashamed.
That is why I’m writing this Letter to Officially break up with you. I know you’re going to say Robbie I’ve Only Known You For About Six Weeks & I Told You A Hundred Times I’m Not Your Girlfriend but I know you only said that to keep your heart from being broken which I understand better than anyone. My heart’s broken so bad sometimes I cry all day which I know you hate & other times feel like I have no heart at all & also no lungs & no stomach & no spleen & I’m like the empty junk all over the lawn & after a while the emptiness fills up with Rage except at all the wrong times. For example not when you order me to beat up Derek but weird times like when I’m putting on a hemorrhoid pad or looking at a pretty sunset.
Little Lamb please don’t try to win me back with your wiles. Don’t come over looking Beautiful & Sexy & saying Caring things. I have had enough. I know you think Jody & Midget & Dag are using me but the one using me was you Little Lamb.
Since as I said this is only the 3rd letter I ever hand wrote my hand is cramping up like the tarantulas I bought last week to get over you & ended up having to murder. But I want to say one more thing. After I first met Jody playing in my front yard his mom invited me to his birthday party & I was Proud to go. I sold some junk to pay my water bill so I could shower before I attended & even though the party was all little kids in birthday hats which I’m sure makes you say I’m a Dirty Pedo, it made me So Happy. There were white kids & black kids & Asian kids & Middle East kids & Jody’s mom said she was especially glad I was Jody’s friend & I had to eat my birthday cake by the dumpster so no one could see my Tears of Joy.
Jody’s mom is sick now with Jody won’t say what, but I’ll tell you Here & Now she’s twice the woman you are Little Lamb. The second she saw me even though I’ve gotten fatter she knew who I was & the Violence in my past & still gave me a big hug & didn’t call me a Life Ruiner like you did. That doesn’t mean I don’t know how I ruined Coach S’s life. Trust me I know it!!! But you saw my Scrapbook & although you laughed so hard you sprayed eggs on it you saw the whole truth. Yes a Life Ruiner is one of the things I am, but does it have to be the Only Thing? I’m asking you does it? I know you don’t like football but did you ever see the Very Famous Monday Night Football video of Joe Theismann’s broken leg or the videos of Dennis Byrd or EJ Henderson or Marc Mariani? Back when I had internet I watched those videos All The Time to see athletes at The Top Of Their Game lose Everything from Catastrophic Injury. Maybe it sounds morbid but it made me feel like I wasn’t Alone, like I just had my Catastrophic Injury a little earlier than they did.
Who knows maybe you’re right about everything Little Lamb. Maybe Me & Jody & Midget & Dag don’t deserve your Respect. But if that’s true it’s not bc we were born evil. Its bc we spent too much time on Yellow Street where Poison is everywhere & the immunity you build up fades away eventually & it’s like my concussions where you can’t see right anymore & can’t hear right anymore & Do Not Know What You’re Doing Anymore & the Poison leaks back out of you like
sweat or piss or what didn’t come out of me when we had our Terrible Sex.
If I’m a Life Ruiner Little Lamb it’s my own life I’m ruining & no one can stop me.
Stay away forever,
Robbie
Dragon
Might snow after all. Trip to Walgreens cold as hell. Jean jacket isnt cutting it. I take me a sec to zip my zipper high and I peep three children done up like space dudes jumping over a gutter and piling themself in a car with two duck tape windows. I know exactly what those space dudes are up to. Back when Moms was mobile we did the same thing. Yellow Street candies suck balls. You want candies that dont suck balls, you get your ass drove to a hood thats got tall gates and good lawns. The ladies there do trick or treat like theyre in a contest. I used to get sparkle pouches full a incredible loot like candies with french on it or gold foil or salt which I know sounds foul but, robocop, hear me out, cuz salt on candies is sick.
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Plenty a Yellow Street kids dont have wheels though so I expect words gonna travel fast Robbies passing out high quality treats. Thats what Im pondering when I spot Deformo a couple blocks away shuffling his deformed ass in my direction, probably after food but more likely to supply my punk brain gruesome nightmares forever. So I swerve hard on Dawson Ave and thats when boom I see Dag.
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I stop sudden. Dags supposed to be home learning lesbian music with Piano Lady. But there she is, chilling in front of the grocery with the upside down carts and busted ass lottery signs. She hasnt changed clothes or nothing. Still wearing the red jacket with the zippers, still got scabs on her knuckles where she boxed Robbies light switch.
