by Holly Rayner
If only we had more time. If only we could have found a way back to each other. Maybe, given time, he would have come to regret the position he’s put me in. Maybe I would have been able to forgive it. If only we hadn’t planned the wedding to take place so quickly.
Of course, I didn’t give him much of an opening to apologize to me or to try to make things right. I’m the one who insisted that our relationship was going to be business-only from here on out. I’m the one who walked away from him as soon as the airplane landed. I didn’t want him to follow me then.
When did I change my mind? When did I start wanting him back? The change has been so gradual that I completely failed to notice it until now, standing here in my wedding dress.
And now it’s too late. I look up at the clock on the wall. I have only five more minutes, and then I have to get out there. I won’t let Magnus down.
I’m amazed to find myself thinking of this wedding in those terms, as something I’m doing just for him. I’ve been trying all this time to justify it to myself, to find the reason why it’s the best thing for me to do. I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s okay to accept money in exchange for marriage, or that my app is worth the price I’m paying to get it made.
And now, in the eleventh hour, what’s going to carry me through the door is the simple fact that I care about Magnus after all. Not the fact that I love him and want to marry him, necessarily—I can’t let myself think too hard about that question—but the fact that I can’t stand to cause him pain.
My wild thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock at the door. Is it time already?
“Coming,” I say, checking my face in the mirror to make sure I haven’t cried and smeared my makeup. I step into my strappy heels, cross to the door, and pull it open.
Magnus is standing on the other side.
“Leah,” he breathes.
I’m stunned into silence. He looks distractingly gorgeous, as he always does, but the look of him in that tuxedo is positively unfair. It’s so perfectly fitted, drawing attention to the smooth lines of his body, and I can feel my fingers twitch with the desire to reach out and grab him. I pull them into fists. I’m not going down that road. I am not going to rip that jacket off my soon-to-be husband and explore his body right outside our just-for-show wedding ceremony. I’m just not.
“What are you doing here?” I stammer.
“God, Leah,” he says quietly. “You look gorgeous.”
I realize he’s been staring at me just as ardently as I’ve been staring at him, and I’m suddenly shy.
“I look like a cake topper,” I correct him, gesturing to the decorations on the skirt of my dress and pivoting my hips a bit to show him the ridiculous train. “And you’re not supposed to be here, by the way. You’re not supposed to see me in my dress before the wedding. It’s bad luck.”
He laughs, somewhat bitterly. “Really? You don’t think we’ve already had our bad luck? You and I haven’t spoken about anything that didn’t involve graphs and figures since we came home from Norway. Today is our wedding day, and we can hardly stand to be in the same room as each other. You can’t tell me you think any of that is good luck.”
“I wouldn’t call it luck at all,” I say. “We’ve made a mess of things.”
With a sigh, I retreat into the room, leaving the door open, and Magnus takes the unspoken invitation to follow me in. I take a seat on one of the chairs near the fruit platter, and he sits beside me.
“Have some fruit,” I offer. “I haven’t touched it. It’s wasted on me.”
“You don’t want to be here,” Magnus says. He picks up a grape and rolls it around in his fingers but doesn’t eat it. “You don’t want to be here any more than I do. I can tell.”
“You don’t want to be here either?” That’s a surprise.
Magnus drops the grape suddenly, leans forward, and grabs my hands in his own. He’s adopted similar postures with me before, but there’s something different about him today. His eyes are boring into mine, and his hands are gripping mine tightly, as if my arms are ropes keeping him from being swept out to sea.
For the first time since I’ve known him, he looks desperate. I’m confused and a little scared at the change in his demeanor, and yet it’s magnetic. I can’t pull away from him. I don’t want to.
“I’ve been awful to you, Leah,” he says. “Ever since Norway, I’ve been replaying it over and over in my head. All the things I’ve done. The way I’ve treated you. The way I lied to you to get you to marry me because I was afraid to trust you with the truth. You deserved so much better. You still deserve so much better. And I can’t take it back.”
He shakes his head somberly. “It’s killing me. Sometimes I wonder if that one awful act is the only thing you’ll ever see when you look at me, when you hear my name. If I’ll always just be the man who lied to you and nothing more.”
“You won’t,” I say.
I’m not sure what else he’ll be to me. I’m not sure if I’ll remember Magnus as mostly good, mostly bad, or some heady and confusing mixture of the two. But I know I’ll remember him for many, many things. He’s been such a forceful presence in my life. I could never boil him down to any one action. Too much has happened between us now.
“I failed to consider your life. Your choices.”
Magnus is still looking searchingly into my eyes. There’s deep shame in his voice, and I keep expecting him to turn his face downward. I’m expecting him to be unable to look at me as he acknowledges the things he’s done. But he’s forcing his eyes up, forcing himself to look at me as he says it. My respect for him mounts a little. That can’t be easy.
“You were right,” he continues. “What you said about me, that I only thought about what I wanted and took it. You were exactly right. I didn’t think about what it would cost you to marry a complete stranger. I assumed it would be an easy favor you could do me. I thought the price I would pay for your app would be more than worth the cost of your freedom for a few months.” He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I used you, Leah. I used you to save a few dollars on my taxes. And I can’t expect you to forgive me for that.”
“I forgive you.”
The words are out of my mouth before I’ve had time to think about them, and yet I know instantly that they’re true. Magnus has had my heart for a long time already.
Magnus looks stunned. He goes on, speaking more confidently, more passionately now.
“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” he says. “Knowing you, being with you…it makes me want to change, Leah. I want to show people the consideration and respect they deserve. I want to think about more than just myself. I’m going to change the way I live. I’m going to be a better man.”
I pull back from him, searching his face for any sign that this proclamation is less than sincere. It seems so unlikely that the very thing I had just been wishing for—an apology from Magnus, the opportunity to reconcile and make things right between us—should come knocking at my door. But then, is it really so unlikely?
He must have been going through the same agonies I have over the past several days. He must have missed me as much as I’ve missed him. It’s the only explanation I can think of for this breakthrough coming at this exact moment. And as I look into his eyes, I know with perfect clarity that our feelings are mutual.
He loves me. He loves me. And I love him. And it’s all I can do to stay upright.
He takes my silence for hesitation. “It’s the Vipers’ Nest, isn’t it?” he asks. “You’re still angry about that. I thought you might be. I’ve been thinking about that too. I don’t blame you for not being ready to let go of what happened, Leah. God, when I think back on the things I’ve done—”
“Hang on,” I cut him off. “I’m not upset about Vipers’ Nest. You already apologized to me for that, remember? Besides, I know you think I could have won the contest, but I’m not so sure. Even if my presentation was good, even if my app was solid, there were a lot of othe
r people there besides you and me. We have no idea how I would have fared against them, or even what the judges would have thought of my work if they’d seen it.”
But Magnus shakes his head. “That’s not what I’m thinking of,” he says. “Not really. Don’t you remember that night, when we first met? When everything seemed so charmed? Before we ever pretended to be in love or put on a performance for somebody else?”
He reaches into his tuxedo pocket and pulls out a clipping from a magazine. It’s that first picture of us, taken in front of the Hollywood sign.
“Look at you,” he says softly. “Look at your face, Leah. You’re happy. You’re just so happy.”
He’s right. I take it in, amazed. Me and Magnus, just hours after the first time we met, with nothing on our minds but the pure unbridled enjoyment of each other’s company. And for the first time, I really think back on what that moment felt like. Nothing had gone wrong for us yet. Everything was still so full of promise.
“Think what might have happened if I hadn’t decided to break the rules,” Magnus says. “Think what could have been if we’d stayed and competed in the contest the way we were supposed to. We would have had days to spend together, and you and I wouldn’t have had any reason to dislike each other. It wouldn’t matter, really, who won the contest, would it? We could have built something real between us. We could be sitting here right now about to begin a real marriage instead of a fake one.”
I suck in a breath. My heart is racing, suddenly.
“I wish it had happened that way,” Magnus continues. “I would trade my company, my wealth, my years of success, all of it. I see now how worthless it all is. How shallow I’ve been. I would give it all up if it meant you really wanted to marry me, Leah. If it meant you truly loved me.”
“It’s not worthless,” I whisper because I know I need to say something.
I’m stunned and can’t think of what else to say. I have felt the reality and the weight of his feelings for me during the course of this conversation, but to say he’d give up his company? That’s his whole life. How can he want me more than he wants the company he’s spent more than five years building?
“I can’t marry you today,” Magnus says. “God knows I’d like to, but I can’t. I can’t bear it if it isn’t real. I’m so sorry. I know I got you into this. I put you up to it. I’m the reason you’re standing here in the most conspicuous dress in the city, and now I’m telling you I can’t go through with it.”
In spite of myself, I laugh.
“But I’m pretty sure I want to marry you,” he says.
Magnus slides off the chair onto his knees, and somehow the fact that he’s on both knees instead of one is more romantic. It’s informal. It’s natural. It’s coming from his heart.
“I want us to give this a try. To really give this a try, not just put on a show. I want to take our time, get to know each other, do it right.” He takes one of my hands in both of his. “I’m asking you not to marry me yet, Leah Simmonds. Will you accept my proposal?”
Chapter 23
Leah
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so many things in a single moment. As long as I live, I don’t think I ever will again. Magnus’ eyes are still glued to mine, and it feels like he’s reeling me in, like this gaze is an unbreakable tether between us.
I think I actually am being pulled closer to him—and then it occurs to me that I’ve sunk to the floor, that I’m on my knees before him now. I’m kneeling in my beautiful white gown, and it’s going to get scuffed from being on the floor, and I couldn’t possibly care any less. We’re holding each other’s elbows now. It is almost an embrace. It’s resisting by the very narrowest margin.
“Don’t marry me, Leah,” Magnus says again. “Please don’t marry me.”
I never thought a sentence like that could give me such a thrill.
“What if I decline your proposal?” I ask.
Would he go through with the marriage, even though he no longer wants to, just to spare me the embarrassment? Is that option still on the table for us?
“Are you declining?” he asks.
I swallow hard. “No,” I say. “I’m not.”
He nods. His eyes slip closed.
“Thank you,” he says.
“But…I don’t know how fully I’m accepting,” I say.
My insides are screaming at me. What are you doing? It’s Magnus! You love him! But even knowing that, even having accepted that the feelings I have for Magnus really are love, I’m not sure what I can commit to here.
“You hurt me,” I tell him. “And I can’t pretend it doesn’t mean the world to see you here understanding that, taking responsibility for that. But I don’t know if I can. It would be so hard to invest myself fully with you, emotionally, after everything we’ve been through. It would be so hard to let my guard down fully knowing how much you’ve hurt me in the past.”
“That’s fair,” Magnus says, and his hand comes to rest on my cheek.
I close my eyes, leaning into his touch. I want to forget everything—the crowds of people outside waiting to watch us marry, the messy history that the two of us have created together, the fact that I’m ruining a perfect dress by sliding down even further now to sit on the floor, the skirt pooling out around me. I want to think of nothing but the glorious touch of Magnus’ hand and the soft melody of his words as he reassures me that everything is going to be all right between us somehow, even now, even after everything. But how can I let my guard down again? How can I keep trusting him, keep letting him in, when he disappoints me every time? Don’t I ever learn? He says it’s different now, but can I really believe him?
“Your guard is down already,” he points out. “It’s down right now.”
My eyes fly open. “What?”
“You’ve just opened your heart to me,” he says quietly. “All your dreams, all your fears…you told me everything without hesitation. Didn’t you?”
I can’t deny this charge. I gaze into his face, wondering. I can feel him about to make his point, about to win me over, and I know my life is on the precipice of something. His hand is still on my face. He’s so gentle with me. He’s so muscular, and yet he’s always been so gentle. I love that.
“You already trust me,” Magnus says. “It scares you that you do. And I don’t blame you for that, Leah, because you’re right. I’ve abused your trust. I’ve done wrong by you. I’ve hurt you. And it probably would be safer for you to pull away. But somehow, in the course of everything we’ve been through together, you’ve come to trust me, or at least to feel that it’s less of a risk to your well-being to let me into your heart. Because you do it now without thought or effort, without being sure that you even want to. You can’t help it.”
He’s right. We’re so close to each other now that I could close the distance and kiss him if I wanted to. It’s only with tremendous effort that I maintain the space between us.
“You know I forgave you,” I say. “I forgave you for everything.”
“Forgiving me isn’t the same as trusting me again,” he says. “I understand if you can’t give me that, Leah, but I think you can. I think you already are. And if you do, I promise to never betray you again. I promise never to lie to you or to conceal the truth. From this day forward, everything will be open to you. Just give me one more chance.”
I bow my head, finally breaking our extended, powerful eye contact. “I think you know I will,” I tell him. “I think you came in here knowing what the answer would be.”
He places a finger gently—so gently—under my chin and tips my face up so I have to look at him. “Tell me why?”
My eyes search his. His search mine. I don’t know what answers either of us is looking for, and I have no idea whether we’ll find them in each other. There’s only one thing I do know for sure.
“Because trusting you makes more sense than anything else,” I tell him. “Even though you’ve hurt me. Even though a part of me wants to pull away. I would hur
t myself far more by shutting you out of my life. I can feel that much already. I love you, Magnus. I think I’ve known that for a while.”
And now, finally, Magnus pulls me toward him by the wrist, his lips meeting mine powerfully, and for several minutes I forget that I’m sitting on the floor in a wedding dress. The only thing that matters is that he’s here, finally, and that all the animosity between us is gone.
After a long time, we finally separate. I can’t keep myself from laughing. The whole series of events is just so ridiculous.
To think that fifteen minutes ago all I wanted was to go home! I was dreading seeing Magnus. I could never have imagined that we’d be able to put aside all our arguing, today of all days. The feeling of joy bubbling up in my stomach is almost enough to drive me to want to walk down the aisle. It’s the happiest, the most at peace, I’ve felt in a long time.
“What do we do now?” I ask Magnus.
“What do you mean?”
I’m pleased to see that he can’t keep a smile from his face either. We are finally in sync with each other. If only we could have reached this point earlier, we could have saved ourselves so much grief. If only we could have followed our feelings organically the night we met at Vipers’ Nest. But then, that’s exactly what we’ll have the opportunity to do now. We’re finally going to put the past behind us.
“We’re not getting married,” I explain. “But there are hundreds, or, I don’t know, thousands? Lots of people out there waiting to see a wedding. What are we supposed to tell them? How can we explain the fact that the whole thing has been called off, but we aren’t breaking up?”
Magnus shakes his head. “We’re not going to go out there and get married because we feel like there’s no way out, Leah. I won’t accept that. Not for you or for me. If we’re going to give this relationship a real chance—”
