by Amanda Dick
Partly because I wasn’t sure how to explain it in such a way that he would understand – I wasn’t even sure I understood it myself, yet. I only knew that I felt the need to coddle my relationship with Maia, protect it from the outside world until it was strong enough to take the scrutiny. I didn’t want anything ruining it while we were still finding our feet.
“Whatever,” he said, taking a swig of beer and feigning indifference. “I’ll get it out of you eventually. You were always shit at keeping secrets.”
“If that’s a dig about the bike thing, you need to get the hell over it. I was seven, and no seven-year-old on earth is good at keeping secrets.”
He shrugged, taking a sip of his beer, but I could see him trying not to let a smile get the better of him. Asshole. He knew I was gonna give in and he’d get everything he was asking for. Suddenly, I was sick of being predictable. I wanted to shock him.
“She’s moved in with me.”
He sprayed beer all over me. Staring at me like I’d just pissed in his cornflakes, he wiped his face with his hand. It would’ve been comical if I wasn’t so nervous.
“What did you just say?”
“It’s not what you think,” I said, holding up a hand. “There were extenuating circumstances.”
“You better explain yourself, bro.”
Here goes. For better or for worse.
“Look, for reasons I’ve yet to figure out, she was living in her car. I couldn’t let her do that, it’s not safe. So I offered her my spare room.”
He nodded slowly, his eyes narrowing. “Right.”
“I’m serious.”
“About the fact she was living in her car, or about the fact she’s staying in the spare room?”
“Both.”
He nodded slowly again, and I could almost see the cogs turning in his brain. “So you’ve definitely slept together, then?”
I didn’t want to do this, but he wasn’t going to let it go. “Not yet, no.”
“But she’s living with you. So, is it like a flatmate situation or what?”
“It’s a recent development,” I hedged. “Like I said, she was living in her car. What was I supposed to do? We were brought up better than that. I had a spare room, she needed somewhere to live.”
Vinnie took a slow sip of his beer, never once taking his eyes off me. I could tell he was torn. “So, what’s her story, then?”
This was the bit I was dreading. “Honestly? I don’t really know yet, but I’m working on it.”
“You hardly know her, but you offered her your spare room?”
I sighed. This was getting tedious. “I knew you wouldn’t get it.”
“Whoa,” he said, holding his hand up. “Calm down, I’m just trying to figure out what the hell’s gotten into you. She’s the first girl you’ve dated since Em, you’ve only known her a week, you haven’t even slept together, and now she’s moved in – what am I supposed to think? You tell me, bro, because this is way outside my realm of experience.”
I took a hefty gulp of beer. Here I was, having to explain it when I didn’t fully understand it myself. Exactly the situation I was trying to avoid. I took a deep breath and prayed for a miracle.
“You can laugh if you want – “
“I’m not laughing.”
“It’s just, it’s weird. I hardly know anything about her, yet I feel like I’ve known her forever. And she seems traumatised over something. I’ve got this feeling that she’s lost someone too, I think that’s why this has all happened so fast. It’s like she knows how I feel about Em, how it… broke me, I s’pose. I talk about Em sometimes, and she’s so understanding, as if she knows how it feels, and not from the outside, but from the inside, from my perspective, like she’s been there too. She’s holding it back though, and I just need some time to show her that she can trust me, that she can talk to me about it, but it’s not the kind of thing you can rush, y’know? I know she looks a lot like Em, and at first, I thought maybe that was why I kind of gravitated towards her even though I didn’t want to. I mean, I didn’t want a reminder like that – who would? That’s just crazy. But they’re really different, and that’s a good thing.” I took a deep breath. “I just feel better when I’m around her, if you want the truth. I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me. We fit. I feel like this is maybe some kind of divine intervention bullshit, and you know me – I don’t even believe in that stuff.”
I hadn’t expected to spill all of that. I wasn’t quite sure where it had all come from, but there it was, on the table between us, and he just stared at me.
“Wow,” he said finally. “Dude, I’ve never known you to speak in so many consecutive sentences before. Ever.”
I shrugged, as heat crawled up my neck.
“This must be serious.”
I shrugged again, taking a sip of beer even though my hand was shaking so much, I thought I might spill it.
“Do you love her?”
It was a simple question, and after what I’d just said, I couldn’t see any reason to lie about it. I nodded. I thought he’d be shocked. I thought he’d try to talk me out of it. I thought he’d try to warn me against moving too fast or falling too hard. But he didn’t.
“Have you told her?”
“Not in so many words.”
“Do you think she feels the same way?”
Not such a simple question. I hoped to God she did. I had a feeling she did – the indications were there – but neither of us had actually said as much. Yet.
“I hope so. It’s just been so fast. We’re still figuring it out. It’s not… y’know… normal.”
He took a sip of beer and sat back in his seat, watching me closely. Despite the fact he was capable of acting like a child at times, he also knew me better than anyone.
“Normal? I didn’t think there was such a thing as normal.”
I frowned. “Is that all you have to say?”
“No. I want to say be careful. I want to say slow the hell down, but I get the feeling that would be a waste of time. I know you – you don’t dive into relationships. You didn’t with Em, and you haven’t since. If you say this is what you want, then I have to believe you know what you’re doing.”
He shrugged and I sat there, speechless. Many times in my life, Vinnie had surprised me. Shocked me, even. But this topped the list. And it was a very long list.
“You’re a big boy,” he said. “All growed up. If you say it feels right, then I gotta believe you.”
I nodded, still reeling. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. So, do you guys want to come over for dinner or something? She was stuck in the kitchen at my party and I was a little – more than a little – drunk. Jas is going to flip her lid when I tell her she’s moved in. You’ll be lucky she doesn’t just turn up at your place and give Maia the third degree.” I must’ve looked as terrified as I felt, because he chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ll rein her in.”
“We just need a bit of space first. We’re still figuring it out ourselves, y’know?”
“Yeah, well. I guess we can wait a bit longer – but not too long. Deal?”
I was pretty sure my relief was palpable. “Deal.”
Suddenly, he kicked me under the table, indicating the bar behind us with a nod of his head. I turned around and spied Alex, glowering at us. He was leaning against the bar in a way that made it fairly obvious this wasn’t his first drink of the day. Brilliant. Just what I needed. I tried to ignore him, but he made it downright impossible. The bartender was refusing to serve him.
“This could get ugly,” Vinnie said under his breath, taking another swig of beer as he watched the scene unfolding from over the top of his glass.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” Alex demanded, leaning over the bar. “You’re a bloody bartender – you can’t refuse to serve me!”
“I just did,” the bartender said, folding his arms across his sizeable chest, completely unfazed. “Now piss off.”
Alex glared at him, then pushed himself upright, stumbling backwards slightly as he did so. Shit. I didn’t want to watch, but I couldn’t help it. It was like having front row tickets to a car crash. Alex was barely recognisable anymore. He used to be a lot of fun. He used to be a great surfer too, but I hadn’t seen him at the beach in ages. Em would be horrified if she could see him now.
As if he could hear me, Alex turned his drunken, festering gaze on Vinnie and I. Like the nickname he’d been given, he turned everything around him black. He sucked the mood dry, leaving nothing but ash and rot. Before I could react, Alex was weaving his way across the room, keeping us both in his sights.
“Great,” Vinnie mumbled. “Ladies and gents, may I present asshole of the year.”
I didn’t even have time to respond before Alex was standing in front of our table, albeit unsteadily. He looked more than half-cut, now that I saw him up close.
“I hear you found yourself a new victim,” Alex said, his words plump with alcohol. “Replacing Em, like she was never even here. Does she know about you, about what you did?”
I didn’t dare take my eyes off him, my blood boiling. “Walk away, Alex.”
“Fuck off,” Alex spat. “Mum told me about her. Says she looks like Em. She’s a fuckin’… replica… that’s what she is. She’s not her – you’re a fuckin’ idiot if you think you can replace Em with her. But then, maybe it suits you.”
I stood up, trying to keep my cool even though my heart was thumping so loudly in my ears, I could barely hear him. “Back off, Alex. I mean it.”
Just like in the movies, a hush fell over the entire bar. The only sound was the rugby commentator coming from the TV in the corner. This was going to get ugly, I could feel it in my bones. He was too far gone. Fight or flight? I made a snap decision.
“We’re leaving.”
“We don’t have to go anywhere.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Vinnie stand up. We stood together, facing Alex, the table between us, the epitome of brotherly solidarity.
Alex didn’t seem concerned. I had a feeling that was the alcohol, numbing his senses. I knew Vinnie wanted to finish what he’d started at the beach the other day. If Alex knew what was good for him, he wouldn’t be so cocky.
“Sounds about right,” Alex huffed, staggering slightly. “Y’know, I never knew what the hell she saw in you. She was so popular, everyone loved her – but you? You were just the weirdo who spent all your spare time at the beach. Talk about your opposites. I should’ve told her that from the start – that you were never gonna make her happy. Maybe she’d still be here.”
“I’ve had just about enough of this shit,” Vinnie snarled, coming out from behind the table. “Just because he won’t hit you, doesn’t mean I won’t. I don’t give a shit what your deal is, you need to get the hell off your high horse and stop acting like such a bloody martyr. Take a good look at yourself, Alex – do you really think Em would want this?”
Things were spiralling out of control. I moved around beside Vinnie, silently warning him to cut it out.
“And what the fuck would you know about what she would’ve wanted?” Alex demanded, stepping forward and pushing me aside as he faced up to Vinnie. “She was my sister – you think you knew her better than I did?”
“I think Heath knew her better than any of us – and I think that’s what’s pissing you off the most, isn’t it?”
“That’s it – that’s enough,” I said, pushing Alex backwards just as Vinnie looked like he was going to throw a punch.
“Don’t you fuckin’ touch me!” Alex roared. “You’ve got blood on your hands and I don’t want it anywhere near me!”
The icy barb spiked straight through my heart. If I didn’t get out of here soon, this was gonna be a fight it would be impossible to walk away from.
“I’m gonna tell you one last time,” I said slowly, dropping my chin and eyeballing Alex. “I had nothing to do with what happened to Em, and somewhere deep inside that twisted, black heart of yours, you know I’m telling the truth. Whatever your deal is, it’s got nothing to do with me. You need to sort your shit out, mate.” Alex stared me down, with eyes much darker and much more dangerous than Emily’s, although there was a certain similarity there, especially when they were both fired up. “We’re going now. You better get the hell out of here too, before the cops get here and you find yourself in the cells overnight – again.”
Alex seemed to be thinking it over for a moment, although he didn’t move. I assumed it was the alcohol, or whatever else he was on, slowing down his reaction time. I waited for him to decide. If he came at me, I knew I’d have to take a swing. I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself. Part of me wanted to. Part of me knew it wouldn’t do any good.
Alex surprised me, though. Instead of throwing a punch, at either of us, he just turned and walked out, weaving his way between the tables and shoving anyone aside who got in his way.
The conversation all around us seemed to start up again. The TV in the corner was once again background noise, drowned out by the general hubbub.
Vinnie squeezed my shoulder. “You okay?”
“Fine.”
“I thought you were going to smack him one, finally.”
I huffed out a humourless laugh. “I thought you were.”
“Maybe we both should’ve.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me back down onto a chair. “Come on. We’ve got a beer to finish and hot chicks to get home to.”
I COULDN’T GET ALEX out of my mind. During the short drive from town to my place, I went over and over what had just happened. I think what hurt so much was the fact that he always knew just where to dig, just what to say. It was like some kind of sixth sense with him.
If I’d just listened to Em that night, would she still be here? Was it my fault?
I wanted to believe that it wasn’t, but there would always be a part of me that wondered. Maybe I would always wonder, maybe that would never go away. The thought of carrying that around inside me for the rest of my life made me feel sick to my stomach. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough.
And now he’d dragged Maia into the sordid horror show that was his hatred of me. She didn’t deserve that. None of this had anything to do with her. It made my skin crawl to think of him sidling up to her somewhere, sometime, and having a go at her like he’d just had a go at me. I could take it, hell, part of me felt I deserved it, but she had nothing to do with this.
Unless she did.
Unless I made the same mistake with Maia that I had with Em.
Not caring enough. Not loving enough. Not doing enough.
I had to tell her. I had to tell Maia how I felt, and get her to open up to me. The only way I could be sure I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice was for us both to be completely honest with each other. It made what we had seem more fragile than ever.
I pulled up outside my house, and just seeing her car in the driveway seemed like a positive sign. Only days ago, the house had seemed empty. Now, it was the opposite. It was as if someone had flipped a switch, filling the shadows with light.
I walked up the front path, looking forward to taking her into my arms and kissing her until we were both breathless.
I opened the front door. “Maia?”
For several long moments, the house remained quiet.
Then, “I’m in here.”
She sounded strange. I closed the door behind me and walked down the hall towards the spare bedroom.
She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, the contents of Em’s box of memories scattered around her.
She looked up at me and tears were rolling down her cheeks. Judging by the look of despair on her face, they weren’t the first, either. My heart plummeted.
“I’m sorry,” she said, wiping her cheek quickly. “I just opened the wardrobe, and I found all this stuff of hers.”
I should’ve thought about that, bu
t it all happened so fast. “Jesus. I’m sorry, too – I should’ve moved it.”
She started to pick up all the photos and put them back into the box on the floor in front of her. I knelt on the floor to help her, trying to ignore Em’s face staring back at me. And mine. And both of ours, together.
I placed a handful of photos into the box. “Are you okay?”
Seemed like a stupid question really, considering the amount of tears that had obviously been liberated.
She sighed, wiping her cheeks again, looking down at the handful of photos in her hand. “It’s just so real, suddenly. Looking at all these photos of the two of you together. I just… I hurt for you, for losing her, for everything you must’ve been through. And I hurt for her, too. For losing you.”
I had been right. I knew it with a certainty that made the room spin.
I reached over for her hand. “Who did you lose?”
She stared at me, her hand twitching in mine, as if she wasn’t sure whether to let go of me or not.
“I can tell you’ve lost someone,” I said gently. “I recognise the signs. You don’t talk about anyone, you lock it all way. I just want you to know that if you want to talk about it – about anything – you can. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
She didn’t answer me. That was all the proof I needed. If I was wrong, she’d have told me so. But she didn’t. She didn’t dispute it, she didn’t argue. She just nodded.
Then she withdrew her hand from mine and began collecting photos again, putting them back in the box. All I could do was offer to listen. I couldn’t make her talk, that was her mountain to climb. I just wanted her know that I was here, when she was ready. She was ready a lot sooner than I thought.
