by Amanda Dick
“Vinnie texted me earlier,” I mumbled, playing with her fingers, entangled with mine on top of my chest. “He checked the forecast. He wants to go surfing tomorrow morning. Do you want to come?”
She moved slightly, getting more comfortable, but she didn’t speak. I frowned down at her, moving my head to see her better.
“I don’t think so,” she said. “You guys go. I still need to get some practice in. I’ll only hold you back.”
“No you won’t.”
“Yeah, I will,” she gave a little laugh, her eyes shining in the lamp-light.
I think I knew what she was getting at. “Are you worried you’re gonna look stupid?”
She laughed again, burying her face in my shoulder so I couldn’t see it. Then she nodded.
“Come on,” I smiled, reaching around to tickle her ribs. “Everyone’s gotta start somewhere. You can’t expect to be as awesome as me on your first time out.”
She squealed, squirming in my arms as I continued to tickle her. She was extremely ticklish. I added that to the short list of things I knew about her. Eventually, I gave her a reprieve and she stopped wriggling with a sigh.
“Is it because you’re scared of what might happen if you get dumped again?” I asked carefully, laying my palm flat against hers and comparing the size of our hands.
She sighed. “Yeah. That’s part of it, too.”
“Have you had any more visions, or hallucinations or whatever?”
“No.”
“Hmm.” That could mean anything at this point, but I was going to take it as a positive. “I’d like to take the credit for that.”
“Yeah, I bet you would.” She dug her fingers into my ribs, getting her own back as I squirmed away from them with an unmanly yelp.
“If it’s good for the goose…” she giggled, but she stopped and we settled into each other again.
“Do you want to see my scar?” she asked, out of the blue.
I smiled. “You make it sound so sexy when you say it like that.”
I thought she’d laugh, but she didn’t. I looked down at her, meeting her gaze. She was serious, and she was anxious.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, the smile vanishing. “I didn’t mean to make a joke out of it. Of course I want to see it.”
We both sat up. She took her ponytail down and let her hair fall around her shoulders, climbing off the couch to kneel on the floor.
“I’ve never showed anyone before.”
I laid my hand on her shoulder and she held my gaze. She felt so small, so fragile. I couldn’t imagine what she’d been through, the kind of heartache she’d suffered and continued to suffer. She was much stronger in spirit than she was in body, that much was obvious.
“Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and I see her,” she whispered, dropping her gaze to stare at the elastic band that had held her hair up.
“What do you mean?”
She sighed heavily, looking back at me again. “When I was in hospital, I used to look in the mirror and wonder who the hell this face staring back at me was. I thought I was going crazy. She was a complete stranger to me. I named her, because I didn’t know who she was. I called her Jane, as in Jane Doe. Unknown, unclaimed. That’s how I felt.”
My heart felt like it was too heavy for my chest, like it might fall out of my body and smash into a million pieces on the floor. Never had I felt such a strong sense of wanting to fix something, to save someone.
“And sometimes, even now, I look in the mirror, and it’s Jane’s face I see. Shaved head, ugly scar, bruised cheek, huge eyes. Sometimes, if it’s a while between mirrors, I forget what I look like and she shows up instead. I suppose she was the first image I had of myself, after.”
She sniffed back tears, shrugging, as if there was nothing that could be done. It is what it is. God, I hoped she was wrong about that. We had to find out who she really was. I couldn’t bear to think of her standing in my bathroom, staring into my mirror, and seeing that.
She reached up and parted her hair, angling her head towards me.
“It starts here,” she said, pointing to an area just above her ear. “And it goes all the way back here.”
She guided my fingers to the raised line on her scalp. I followed it over her head and around to the back, just below her crown. I was gentle, afraid of hurting her.
Christ almighty – that wasn’t a scar, it was a railroad track. It wasn’t clean and straight, like a surgical scar. It was ragged and bumpy and it made my chest ache. How the hell had she survived something like that? What the hell had done it?
“Jesus,” I whispered, as my hand fell away from her head.
She let her hair fall down over her shoulders. I wanted to wave a magic wand and take all the heartache away, but all I could do was take her into my arms and hold her tight.
“I’m so sorry,” I murmured into her hair.
She nodded into my shoulder, lacing her arms around my back. I couldn’t imagine what she had been through, or how she’d been living with this. It seemed so far outside real life that if I didn’t personally see the pain she carried inside of her, I would’ve thought she was lying, that nobody could live that way.
I didn’t have much to offer her, but she could have it all. Everything I had was hers, without question. I turned my head and kissed her temple, smoothing her hair away from her face. Then I tilted her face to mine and kissed her on the lips. I could taste the salt from her tears and I vowed then and there to protect her from any more pain. She had taken much more than her share. She had lost everything, everybody. I felt lucky by comparison. I still had my home, my family, my friends.
I pulled her closer. I had to show her how much I loved her, not just tell her. She climbed onto my lap, straddling me as the kiss deepened, and I held onto her waist as her knees tucked into my side. I felt both disconnected from my body, and insanely alive at the same time. My heart pounded as we drew apart finally, breathless. I looked up at her and I knew she wanted this as much as I did. There was a deep desire within her eyes that spurred me on. She was no longer shy and guarded. She was letting me in, completely and unreservedly. She was giving herself to me, and I was taking her.
Heart, soul and body. In that order.
I WATCHED THE SUN peeking over the hill, setting fire to the beach. Manu Bay at sunrise was a magical place, caught somewhere between real life and dreamland. The golden glow of the rising sun was like an ancient signal, telling us that now was the time.
Or maybe it was just me.
Last night had given me the kind of glow that was like a neon sign, for all to see. And the first person to see it was Vinnie.
I picked him up outside his place, just before sunrise. Waiting at the top of the driveway in my truck, he jogged towards me in his wettie, carrying his board under his arm. He had thrown his board onto the deck of the truck and jumped into the cab beside me.
“Mornin,’” he said, glancing over at me.
Then he froze, and a slow grin spread over his face.
“Scratch that,” he said. “Details, bro. Lots of ‘em. Go.”
“What do you mean?”
I was wasting my time playing dumb, but I couldn’t help it. I had no luck keeping the smile from my face either.
“What do I mean? You look like the cat who got the cream. I’m guessing Maia’s cream is the cream in question?”
“Dude!”
He just nodded, not even bothering to look embarrassed. I really needed to do some work on toning him down before they spent any real time together.
He chuckled, fastening his seatbelt. The ride out to the bay was long and tedious, frequently punctuated by the request for details. Reluctantly, I gave up a few minor ones, just to get him off my back. He was delighted, lapping them up. I kept the good ones to myself, though.
Like the fact that her breasts fit perfectly in my hands.
Like the fact that she was just as comfortable taking the lead as I was.
Like the fact th
at my favourite part of her was the hollow of her waist, and when we curled up together afterwards, my arm fit in there like it belonged.
None of this was any of his business, but it made me smile just thinking about it. He had no idea what a wrench it had been to climb out of bed this morning and leave her behind. He also had no idea that I had stood in the doorway for a good five minutes before I left, just watching her sleep.
Granted, we didn’t get that much sleep last night, but at least we got some. And, for all I know, she was still sleeping, and soundly, too. Good. She needed it. I felt a little hum of joy burning inside me. Maybe I had created the perfect environment. Henry, the waterfall, making love to her. I doubted we’d have any call for the sleeping pills.
“Oi!”
I looked over at Vinnie, who was grinning back at me across the water.
“Stop thinking about what you’re gonna do to her when you get home and get your head in the game!”
I flipped him the bird, trying to keep my mind on the waves rolling in. The truth was, for the first time in living memory, I would rather be at home than out on the water. I itched for her. My body ached, as if missing a limb. I wondered what she was doing now. Was she awake? Having coffee? Missing me?
“Yo, dude! Are we doing this or what?” Marlow called from further out in the line-up.
I waved him off. He knew something was going on, and I knew it was only a matter of time before Vinnie spilled the beans.
Joel was on the other side of him, grinning like a loon. Great. I felt like I’d just lost my virginity and everyone knew about it.
Cool points: zero.
Vinnie flicked water in my face, bunting me with his board.
I wiped it off. “Dude. Grow up.”
He shrugged, bunting me again. “I’m gonna keep doing this till you catch a wave.”
“Fuck, you’re annoying,” I mumbled, lying down on my board and paddling out of striking distance.
I sat up, spotting a particularly large swell making its way towards us. The familiar rush of anticipation flooded my system and I turned my board around and paddled slowly towards the shore, glancing behind me.
“Ride it like you ride her!” Vinnie called, whooping it up.
I was beginning to think one of us was most definitely adopted.
BY THE TIME I DROPPED Vinnie off and got back home, Maia was in the shower. I hesitated for a moment, then opened the bathroom door. She peered around the shower curtain, smiling as soon as she saw me.
“I hoped it was you.”
I dropped my wettie on the floor, vowing to rinse it out later, and peeled off my boardies, throwing them on top of it. Standing there, buck naked, her eyes were all over me. I put my hands on my hips and raised an amused eyebrow. She’d mentioned yesterday, at the river, that when I looked at her, she saw herself through my eyes. I knew exactly what she meant. When she looked at me like that, I felt ten feet tall and bulletproof. Combine that with a sunrise surf, and I was pretty sure I was one hundred percent invincible.
“Do I meet with your approval?” I asked.
She grinned, still holding the shower curtain so I could only see her head and shoulders. “I think you’ll do.”
“Glad to hear it. Now move that shower curtain before I rip it down.”
She giggled, and I climbed into the shower with her. She was wet and silky, and it was therefore impossible to keep my hands off her. I backed her up against the wall as she wrapped her arms around me, the warm water cascading down over both of us. If felt like the water was blending us into one body, and I wasn’t sure where mine ended and hers began. I just knew that I wanted her to stay in there with me until we had turned into wrinkly prunes and there was no hot water left. The rest of the day was going to be hell. It was only Friday. We both had work. A whole day apart. How the hell would we cope?
I was taking my time towelling her off when I heard a knock at the door.
“A bit early for visitors isn’t it?”
I shrugged, frowning. I wasn’t expecting anyone. “Maybe its Vinnie – he might’ve left something in the truck. He’s got a memory like a sieve.”
I draped the towel around her shoulders, pulled it tighter to draw her close, then kissed her quickly on the lips. I grabbed a dry towel for myself and wrapped it around my waist as I headed out of the bathroom for the front door. When I opened it, it wasn’t Vinnie but Alex who stood there.
Something was wrong. I knew it deep down in my soul, the way you know bad news is coming. It’s a vibe in the air, a collection of observations that you calculate in a mere heartbeat.
I couldn’t remember the last time Alex had been to my house.
His face was red, and he’d been crying.
It was too early for a social call.
“You have to come,” he croaked, not bothering to hide it. “Now. She needs you.”
“What? Who?”
“Mum!”
My heart slammed to a halt, hitting the wall of my ribcage. “What’s happened? Is she okay?”
“She needs you,” he said again, wiping the back of his hand across his nose.
If Alex was here, and Bridget was in trouble, it was bad. Really bad. My heart jump-started, rocketing up through my chest and into my throat. I lunged at him, grabbing him by the shirt and shoving him up against the wall of the house.
“What the fuck did you do!” I hissed, mere centimetres from his face.
I could smell his breath from there, but there was no hint of alcohol on it. Nothing was adding up.
“I didn’t do anything!”
“Bullshit! What’s going on? What happened?” I didn’t even give him a chance to answer, my mind spinning out of control, possibilities raining down on me. “If you’ve hurt her again, I swear to God, I’ll – “
“It’s Pop!”
It felt exactly like he’d punched me in the stomach. Everything drew in on itself. “Henry?”
“He’s dead,” he croaked.
The sound of my own heartbeat was all I could hear, reverberating inside my body, filling up all the cavities and bursting out of them. I felt sick. I wanted to call him a liar, but I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t lying.
He was sober and he was telling the truth.
I let him go and he stood there, trying not to cry. I’d never seen him look so vulnerable. Not even when Em disappeared. He kept himself busy then, doing stuff. Then he started drinking and he was still busy. But now, he wasn’t. He wasn’t doing anything, because there was nothing to be done. It was too late.
My knees buckled and I sank down onto the front step. It couldn’t be true. We were just there, we just saw him yesterday.
Maia’s arms encircled me from behind, but I barely felt them. Alex sat down on the step beside me.
“What happened?” I managed to ask, without turning to him. I didn’t seem to be able to move. Breathing was taking up all my energy.
“Mum went around this morning, to drop something off to him on her way in to work,” he sniffed. “He was sitting in his chair in the living room. She thought he was asleep.”
Jesus. He never even made it to bed. How long had he been sitting there? Since we left? Had he been there all night?
“You need to come over. She won’t let me call anyone. She’s just… she’s just sitting there with him. She won’t leave him. I didn’t know what else to do.”
Through the haze of the fog that would eventually become grief, I heard the helplessness in his voice. He was lost. He didn’t know who to turn to. Somewhere in the back of my brain, I knew that it must’ve taken a lot for him to come to me.
“Come on,” Maia murmured in my ear. “Come and get dressed. We need to go over there. Bridget needs you.”
I stood, my knees trembling as if they might not be up to the task. I heard Maia invite Alex inside. He was reluctant, but she insisted, ushering me into the bedroom as she made him wait in the living room. She closed the door behind us and I stood there,
in the middle of the room, with no idea of what to do.
“You need to get dressed,” she said gently, opening drawers and pulling out a clean pair of boxers, boardies and a t-shirt and handing them to me. I stared at them blankly.
Clothes. They were clothes, and I had to put them on. But Henry was dead. How was I supposed to just get dressed when Henry was dead?
I looked up at her as the tears finally came. Her face crumpled and she wrapped her arms around me. I wanted to hold her, but my arms wouldn’t move. My body didn’t seem connected to my brain anymore. My brain was busy trying to process information, and any signals it should have been sending to my body were going astray.
Slowly, the signals seemed to find their way, and I reached up to put my arms around her.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered into my shoulder.
I didn’t know what to say to that. I’d never known what to say to that, and people had said it to me often enough over the years.
“Come on,” she said, rubbing my back gently and pulling back to look me in the eye. “Bridget needs you. You need to get dressed.”
I nodded, blinking back more tears. Bridget. Yes, Bridget needed me. I needed to get over there. I had no idea what I was going to do when I got there, but she needed me.
Maia handed me my clothes again and I took them this time.
We drove over to Henry’s in Alex’s car, which was a Godsend. I didn’t think I was capable of driving. I was barely capable of breathing. I spent the whole time holding Maia’s hand in the back seat, while Alex kept checking us out in the mirror. The silence in the car was thick and heavy. I felt like I was getting dumped by wave after wave, barely able to take a breath in between times.
When we got to Henry’s, Bridget’s car was parked outside. I didn’t want to go in there. I tried to think of a logical excuse as to why I couldn’t, but nothing would come. The truth of it was, I just didn’t want to see Henry like that, and I didn’t know if I could stand to see Bridget in pain again.
