by Amanda Dick
He nodded, his head bowing low again as he stared at his hands on the table in front of him.
I caught a glimpse of the old Alex, hiding inside of this one, scared as hell.
I didn’t blame him. I sat right where he was sitting now, merely a couple of years ago, and listened to the same lecture from Henry.
THE LAST THREE DAYS had been hell. If it hadn’t been for Maia, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through them.
I couldn’t lean on Bridget, she was having enough trouble keeping herself functioning. Henry was gone. Vinnie and Jas had been great, but neither of them needed the extra pressure of me falling apart, with the baby’s arrival so close.
But Maia, she gave herself to me, completely. She encouraged me to use her. As a pillow, as a sounding board, as someone to hold when it all got too much. It was like she was saying ‘lean on me. I can take it.’
I didn’t want to. I fought it with everything I had, but it was too much for me. I had to let go, and she was there to catch me when I felt myself falling. Henry had been such a big part of my life, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t imagine not going over there on Tuesdays or Thursdays. I couldn’t imagine not sharing things with him. I would miss his advice, his honesty and his wisdom.
Maia stuck to me like glue through all the funeral arrangements and the endless list of stuff that had to be done. We felt like a team. I found myself looking for her when she wasn’t beside me.
The most painful part about losing someone is that it always brings previous losses to the fore. I started remembering stuff about my Dad’s funeral. And Emily was never far from my mind.
We talked about trying to find out more about Maia’s past. We did some googling around DNA tests, processes and procedures, and I showed her the listings for Emily on the missing person sites online. We looked for her own photo in there, just in case we got lucky, but it soon became obvious that it wasn’t going to be that simple.
She wanted to find out the truth just as much as I did, and I think Henry’s death brought home to both of us that it wasn’t just for us that we needed to do this. It was for everyone who knew her, whoever she was. Maybe, if we could determine who she was, her family would get some peace, too. Whether that family was here or somewhere else didn’t really matter.
Henry’s death had a profound effect on all of us. Alex was trying his best to keep it together. I’d had a word with Bridget about what he’d told me in the kitchen the day Henry died, and she was just as surprised as I was. She had been hovering ever since, and he was trying his best to let her. He was by no means out of the woods, but I think having an excuse for us all to spend time together was good for him. He needed to be around people who understood. After I’d filled Vinnie in, even he was giving him some leeway.
I found myself volunteering to collect things from Henry’s house when we needed them. I knew Bridget was having a hard time being there, but for me it was a chance to be closer to him. It felt like he was still there somehow. Just like when Em disappeared, all his things were left behind. It was as if he had just stepped out, or maybe he was out in the garden, and he’d be back soon enough. I wished it were true.
I found myself wandering around the house the day I went to collect his clothes for the funeral director. I opened his wardrobe and stood there, staring at everything. Henry was a neat, tidy person by nature, and his wardrobe was no different. Everything was neatly pressed, hangers lined up in a row, waiting. All the years I’d known him, as well as I knew this house, I’d never been in his wardrobe.
I wanted to be there when Bridget went through his things. I wanted something of his for myself. I didn’t really care what. I just wanted to have something to look at that would remind me of him. Something tangible, something I could hold onto.
I’d already decided that Tuesdays I would continue to visit Latimer, just like Henry and I had always done. It wasn’t that I thought it would help find out what happened to Em, but I knew how important it was to Henry. I would also ask Latimer about Maia and see if he had any helpful suggestions. He seemed to be a man of influence. Maybe he could help us find out the truth.
One thing was for certain, though. We couldn’t afford to wait. That’s the thing with funerals. They suddenly make you realise how bloody short life is, and how little of it you may have left. Things get prioritised. You walk away from a fresh grave with a purpose.
You also walk away with more than a little fear, and a newfound respect for the fragility of life. It’s a reminder.
You need to live your best life now, before it’s too late. You don’t get a second chance at this.
THE NIGHT OF HENRY’S funeral, no one felt like much like eating. But Jas was not a woman to be trifled with. She was in full nesting mode, having spent every spare moment cleaning the house thoroughly, she now insisted we all have dinner at their place. Vinnie knew better than to stand in her way, and we were all too tired to disagree.
It was like a charade. We went through the motions, politely and quietly. Bridget looked completely exhausted, but she did her best to hide it, for Jas’s sake. They worked in the kitchen together, with Maia and I setting the table outside, and Alex and Vinnie manning the barbeque. The nights were still long, and it was plenty warm enough to eat al fresco.
I watched Maia work her way around the circular wooden table on the back lawn, setting out cutlery and placemats. Like the rest of us, she was tired after a long day, but she was here anyway, and I found myself not able to adequately express how grateful I was for that. I put down the cutlery I was holding and walked over to her, taking her arm and wrapping it around my waist. We stood there, the smell of cooking meat wafting over us, the sun low in the sky above. I rested my chin on top of her head and she settled into my arms as if we were two halves of the same whole.
“You okay?” she murmured into my shoulder.
I nodded. I was, because she was there. In no hurry to move, I glanced over at the barbeque. Vinnie was tending the meat and Alex stood beside him, can of beer in hand, watching us. I tried to decipher his expression, but he was still so guarded. He took another sip of beer and looked away.
We were a long way off being friends again, but at least he was trying. One step at a time. He had his own journey to make, and even though we could try and help him, ultimately he had to travel that road alone. That was the first time I’d seen a beer in his hand since Henry died though, which was a big step in the right direction.
“Look at you two,” Jas smiled tiredly, waddling outside with two large bowls in her hands. “You look very comfortable there.”
Embarrassed, Maia and I drew apart, and she resumed setting the table as Jas set the salad bowls down in the centre. She leaned on the back of the one of the chairs, putting her other hand on her very swollen belly.
“Are you okay?”
She waved me off. “I’m fine, honestly. It’s just playtime inside my uterus, nothing to worry about.”
“Is the baby kicking?” Vinnie asked, walking over to the table with a large platter of barbequed steaks and sausages.
She nodded, smiling. The tiredness of the day seemed to lift, and she was glowing again. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to have a baby growing inside of you. Must be bloody distracting.
“Can I feel?” Maia asked.
“Go for it – here, give me your hand.”
I watched as she took her hand and placed it low down on her belly, off to the side. Maia’s face was a picture of concentration for several moments, then it lit up and she squeaked.
“Oh my God!” She grinned at me, then reached for my hand. “You have to feel this, it’s so weird!”
Jas laughed. “Oh cheers, thanks for that!”
But she took my hand anyway, and Maia moved hers so I could put my hand in her place. For a few seconds, I felt nothing. Then all of a sudden, something prodded my palm, and not gently, either.
“Shit!”
Everyone laughed, and I felt my
cheeks burning as I pulled my hand away.
“Does that happen all the time?” I asked, amazed.
She nodded gleefully. “Most of the day, at the moment. I think she sleeps for a few hours in between times, but she’s definitely having a party in there.”
I had a sudden, newfound respect for her. ‘Multi-tasking’ took on a whole new meaning.
“How the hell can you concentrate on anything?”
She shrugged, still grinning. “You get used to it.”
Vinnie came up behind her and put his arms around her, placing both his palms on her belly. “She kept me awake last night, the little bugger.”
“Just to clarify, he meant the baby, not me. I was the spooner, not the spoonee, and the baby was kicking up a storm.”
“Yeah, right into my back.”
Jas tilted her face up to his and they shared a kiss, as Maia slipped her hand into mine. I glanced at her and she smiled. I wanted one of those moments, too. I wondered how Maia would look with a swollen belly. Probably even more beautiful than she did right now. I pulled her hand and leaned over to kiss her quickly on the forehead, writing myself a mental note to talk to her about that later.
It’d been a while since I’d last thought about having kids. It wasn’t something Em and I had spent a lot of time talking about, but I just assumed it would happen eventually. When she disappeared, it wasn’t an issue anymore, nor had it been since.
We settled down at the table to eat. Bridget was quiet, but I could see she was trying hard to relax. She sat next to Alex, and I saw her reach for his hand a couple of times, squeezing tight and giving him a gentle smile. He tolerated it well. I had no idea what social circles he moved in these days, but I got the definite feeling it had been a long while since he’d just sat down to dinner like this.
It should never be underestimated, the power of love. The love of family, of friends, it was quite something. It had pulled me back from the brink before, and now, I could see how it might do the same for him.
Maia was fairly quiet, too, but I think for different reasons. She was exhausted. She needed to sleep, but the last few days had held few opportunities for that. I was hoping we might slip away after dinner and give her the chance to try and catch up. She hadn’t mentioned any more hallucinations or strange incidents recently, but if she didn’t get some proper sleep soon, I had visions of my own – of dragging her off to the doctor, kicking and screaming. If we were to begin digging into who she really was, she would need to at least have some decent sleep under her belt. It might be a long haul.
“I have a little announcement to make,” Jas said, as Vinnie returned to the table with a round of drink refills for us all.
She glanced up at him with a shy smile, and then reached over for Bridget’s hand. “We’ve decided on a name for the baby.”
Bridget smiled. “I thought you weren’t going to tell us till the big day?”
“I know, but we thought we might tell you now instead,” Vinnie said, sitting down on the other side of Jas. “While we’re all together.”
Jas looked over at him and then back at Bridget. She looked nervous suddenly.
“We want to call her Emily Rose,” she said. “If that’s okay with you.”
From where I sat, even I could see the tears that had sprung into Bridget’s eyes. My heart broke for her. It was a beautiful gesture, and one I knew Em would’ve loved. I’m sure Bridget was thinking the same thing. She smiled through her tears, nodding.
“Of course that’s okay with me,” she whispered.
I don’t think she was capable of speaking any louder. Maia slipped her hand into mine, resting on my leg, and squeezed. When I looked over at her, she was close to tears, too.
“I’d like to make a toast,” Vinnie said, raising his glass. “To Henry. He may be gone, but he will never be forgotten. Rest in peace, Henry.”
We all raised our glasses and cans and joined him in silent agreement. I was glad the baby was coming soon. We all needed something positive to focus on, something to take our minds off the hole Henry had left behind, while we got used to not having him with us. It seemed the universe was blessing us with a perfect way to help heal our pain.
One life ended, another was just beginning.
AFTER DINNER, VINNIE stood at the barbeque, can of beer in one hand, scraper in the other.
“I checked the forecast,” he said. “Tomorrow morning, decent swell, right through till the afternoon. You up for it?”
I shrugged, one hand in the pocket of my boardies, the other holding my can. “Yeah, okay.”
Maybe it’d help to clear the cobwebs away.
“Okay, good. Let’s go early to try and avoid the throng.”
I was just about to agree with him when Bridget yelled out from inside. “Vinnie!”
She wasn’t kidding. Vinnie dropped the scraper and headed for the house, with me bringing up the rear. I wasn’t prepared for what we would find. Jas was standing in the middle of the kitchen, a puddle at her feet, looking shocked and frightened.
“Her waters just broke,” Bridget said, calmly this time. “We should probably get to the hospital.”
Jas’s usual unflappable demeanour was gone. She looked petrified. Maia appeared with a towel and began wiping the floor.
Bridget came forward and took Vinnie by the arm, steering him into the living room.
“Has she got a bag packed?”
He nodded, not taking his eyes off Jas. “Is this it?”
Bridget smiled, and I could suddenly see her old self reappear. Calm in a crisis, the voice of reason. “Yes love, this is it. Come on, grab that bag and your car keys and let’s get going.”
I didn’t know what to do with myself. Should we boil water? Get towels? What?
“I’ll phone her midwife,” Bridget said, giving Vinnie a little push towards the hallway. “You grab the bag. Heath, go with him.”
I went with Vinnie down the hallway, doing as I was told. Jesus, that was a lot of water on the floor. I had no idea if that was normal or not. When we reached the bedroom, Vinnie froze. He turned to me with eyes as big as golf balls. I waited for him to say something, but my usually gabby big brother was speechless.
Despite the gravity of the situation, it made me smile. Vinnie. Lost for words. Wonders would never cease.
“Come on, Daddy, get your shit together. Jas needs her bag,” I said, clapping him on the back.
That seemed to spur him on, and he nodded, seeking out a small canvas bag that sat on the floor under the window.
“Where are your car keys?” I asked, reaching out to take the bag from him.
He blinked at me. “Living room.”
“Great. We’re done here, then. Let’s go.”
I steered him out of the bedroom and back down the hall into the living room, where a hive of activity awaited us. Maia was sitting with Jas on the couch, holding her hand and talking to her in a low voice. Another one calm in a crisis. Bridget was on the phone to the midwife. Alex rushed in, slightly breathless.
“I’ve moved our cars so you can get yours out,” he said, pocketing the keys. “Is that the bag? Mum said to put it in the car. Here, I’ll take it. Where are your keys?”
Handing the bag to him, I waited for Vinnie to answer.
I shoved him in the shoulder to hurry him up. “Vin – keys?”
He looked around the room, as if trying to remember, then pointed to the dining room table. “Over there.”
Bridget got off the phone and clapped her hands together. “Right, the midwife said she’d meet us there. The contractions are still pretty far apart, but because her waters have broken, they need her at the hospital as soon as we can get her there.”
“Contractions?” Vinnie frowned, echoing my thoughts. “What contractions?”
“I didn’t know that’s what they were,” Jas said sheepishly. “I thought she was just really active in there.”
“Seems she’s been having them most of the day,” Bridge
t added, heading to the couch to help haul Jas to her feet, with Maia’s help. “Up you come, love. Time to go.”
It was pretty clear Vinnie wasn’t capable of driving. My laid-back brother was in near lock-down mode. I grabbed his keys off Alex when he reappeared, and offered to drive them.
Everything after that happened in a rush. Suddenly, we were all going to the hospital, in convoy.
It was the longest forty minutes of my life. The contractions started getting more painful, and despite Jas putting on a brave face, I could tell she was scared. I was torn. Drive faster or slow down and drive carefully? I settled on driving as fast as I could, as safely as I could. Maia sat beside me, while Jas and Vinnie occupied the back seat. Bridget and Alex followed close behind in her car.
By the time we arrived at the hospital, things had really sped up. Jas was having trouble walking, and Vinnie and I both had an arm around her shoulders, flanking her as we slowly made our way across the car park towards the main entrance.
A wheelchair miraculously appeared as we were checking her in, and then we were on our way up to the maternity ward. The whole hour seemed to fly by. Jas was whisked into a delivery room, with Vinnie right behind her, and Bridget, Alex, Maia and I were left to stew in our own juices in the waiting room down the hall.
My God, the noise.
Not Jas, but some other woman, just up the hall from her. She sounded like a wounded animal and it grated on my nerves. I wished someone would shut her the hell up.
Maia reached for my hand, as if reading my mind. “I’m so nervous for them.”
I stared down at our hands, laced together on my thigh. I felt sick, now that the adrenaline rush had worn off. I kept seeing the puddle of water on the kitchen floor at Jas’s feet. I could only imagine what Vinnie was going through.
“How long do you reckon it’ll take?” Alex asked, sitting across from us, his elbows resting on his knees as he wrung his hands.
