by Amanda Dick
I closed my eyes and love flowed through me – boundless, ageless, infinite – and all my worries and fears floated away like a feather on a summer breeze. I was complete, my heart filled with joy. Memories rushed back, filling the void inside my head, my heart, my soul. I felt them darting around, searching for their rightful places, the returning residents of a cerebral city. Millions of moments, needle-sharp, tickled my brain.
Everything became clear. I saw it all. I remembered everything.
I knew who I was and where I belonged. I saw my family, my childhood. I remembered kisses and laughter, tears and loss. I saw long days at the beach, learning to surf. Wandering home from school with Jas, sharing a Coke. Seeing my Dad leave the house for the last time. Mum telling stories of dragons and fairies while she brushed my hair. Alex teaching me to ride a bike. Heath walking towards me in the hallway at school. I saw the bonfire on the beach, where I first asked him out. I saw myself giving him my heart, my soul, and a million other memories, small ones and big ones, ones that made me want to laugh out loud, and ones that made my soul ache.
And I saw Joel’s housewarming party.
Fighting with Heath. Alex not answering his phone. Deciding to walk home. Headlights behind me, two guys my age that I didn’t know. Refusing the lift they offered. Trying to run, but not getting far before the car nudged me off the road as if I weighed nothing. Falling into the ditch, a blinding pain in my head, momentarily eclipsing the panic. A face hovering above me. The smell of the car – a mixture of stale sweat, booze and something else I couldn’t put my finger on. Dragging me out of the car and throwing me down the hill. The hard ground, littered with tree roots. Unbearable pain and fear. I’d called out to Heath in my mind, screaming for help even though I knew no sound had left my mouth.
Then, all-engulfing blackness.
I remembered waking up somewhere strange, with the pain gone. I saw a scared girl who looked like me but couldn’t remember her name. And I saw myself here, with Heath.
Heath.
It all became so clear. Hindsight and foresight blended, giving me the picture I’d longed for all that time. It was so obvious. Why couldn’t I see it for what it really was? What was stopping me?
It wasn’t a hospital, it was a waiting room. I was supposed to rest there until I was stronger, until my memory came back, until someone came for me. Then I was supposed to move on.
But I could hear him calling me. It was as if he were on the other end of the phone, but the reception was bad, the wires never really connected. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I knew he needed me. I didn’t even know who he was, I just knew I had to find him.
I became a voyager on an open sea, using him as my beacon. I followed the frequency of his soul as it called to mine, my heart slowing or racing, unconsciously matching pace with his. With each breath he took, he was pulling me closer. We were two halves of the same whole, and unless I found him again we were both doomed. It was up to me to save us both, and the knowledge weighed heavy on my mind.
And then he was there. He invited me in – to his heart, to our house. He took me to the places that our love had been strongest. The beach. The cove. The jetty at the bottom of the garden. The waterfall – our waterfall. Love, mine for him, his for me, had glued the fractured pieces back together.
“Open your eyes, Emily.”
Emily. Maia. My mind and hers danced. The cracks in my mind widened until there was nothing but space for the memories to gel, to merge themselves with Maia’s and become what they’d always been to begin with – one.
I did as I was told, opening my eyes slowly.
The blue light was pulsing, like a heartbeat, and Pop was there, standing right in the middle of it, smiling. Pop who had been gone, and was now here and finding me. He reached out his hand to me and I went to him, wrapping my arms around his familiar frame and holding on tight.
“I missed you, girl,” he said, rubbing my back gently. “You’ve been gone a long time.”
I wanted to ask how long, but somehow it didn’t seem to matter.
“You need to come with me now,” he said, and he slowly pushed me away so we could see each other. “We lost you, but I can help you find your way.”
My heart swelled as he gently smoothed down my hair. I closed my eyes and savoured the gesture, something he had done since I was a little girl.
“They’re waiting for us,” he said. “But first, we need to say goodbye.”
I opened my eyes. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I’d only just arrived, and it had taken me so long to get here.
He smoothed my hair down with his hand again, smiling in a way that told me he knew better than I did and I needed to trust him.
“Em?”
The sound of Heath’s voice made my knees go weak. I felt like I hadn’t seen him, held him, kissed him for so long, yet I’d only left him minutes before. The thought of having to leave him again, for any length of time, was unbearable.
“It’s not forever,” Pop said, gently but in his own no-nonsense way. “You’ll see him again, I promise. But for now, you must let him go – for his sake and for yours.”
I nodded, tears building behind my eyes.
I had to leave him.
I turned around to find him standing in the doorway of the small room, staring at me, his heart full of love and fear. I could see it now, all of it, everything. How much he loved me, how much he wanted me. I ached for him, just as I knew he ached for me. It cut right through my soul and his.
I saw myself in his eyes – blonde, not brunette. Short hair, choppy layers. Maia’s façade, the disguise I’d unconsciously worn, was gone, and it was just me now. The me that had been taken from him, the me that had come back for him, and the me that would have to leave him again. Here in this light I was everything I’d been before, and part of getting here would mean leaving, following the glow to where I was supposed to be. This was a crossroad, but there was only one option for me.
I wanted so badly not to hurt him anymore. He deserved so much better than that. He deserved to be happy. I went to him, blindly taking the steps necessary to cover the ground between us. What were a few steps when I had followed him so far, crossing borders that should have never been crossed, just to find him again? I reached out and he nestled his cheek in my palm. He closed his eyes and I could feel his reluctance as it seeped through my fingertips. He wanted to believe, but he was afraid to.
“It’s me,” I whispered. “Don’t be scared.”
It was as if he was waiting for me to say the words, and as soon as I did, the fear dissipated, evaporating into the air around us. He wasn’t scared anymore and neither was I. Yes, I would have to leave him, but I would see him again and we would be together. We just had to be patient.
I ran my fingertip tenderly over his eyebrow, and he opened his eyes.
I wanted to freeze this moment in time. I wanted to remember him just like this, and I wanted him to remember me. I wanted to take the love I had for him and place it gently inside his heart where it would be safe for evermore.
With a flash of insight that left me reeling, I suddenly saw our life together, both as it was and how it would be. Years passed, decades – eternity melting away until time was meaningless. We would have that, we two. The realisation filled me with a sense of peace.
He reached up to take my hand in his, holding it to his chest. I could feel his heart beat, fast and strong. And I knew that he would be alright. Between me leaving him here and him joining me in the future, he would be alright.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered, his beautiful eyes filling with tears.
I smiled through my own tears, tears that I didn’t want to shed in front of him because I didn’t want to scare him, but I couldn’t help it.
“I heard you calling me,“ I said. “I followed your voice, and you brought me home.”
He nodded, and I knew he understood. I was his Emily, and his Maia. I was his soul mate, in whatever body,
with whatever name. His soul had called to mine, and I had come.
“You need to be strong. I need to go now, but when the time is right, I’ll come back for you. I promise.”
I could feel his heart squeezing tight, as if it was fighting to hold itself together even as it threatened to shatter into a million pieces. The memories of the past week, of him and I together, played through my head like snippets of a movie. It was as if I was seeing someone else’s dream. It was faint, vaguely familiar. Mine, but not mine. But even if the picture wasn’t clear, the feelings were. His and mine, our hearts and souls joined.
“Em?”
I looked over Heath’s shoulder, and Mum stood behind him, her hand over her mouth, eyes wide. Alex stood beside her, and Vinnie behind them both. My heart felt like it was stretching, filled with so much love that it had to expand to hold it all in. I had missed them so much.
Mum held out her hand to me and I went to her, settling into her arms as she cried on my shoulder. I knew she needed that. I could feel it pouring out of her. Grief and hope, relief and love – a thousand different emotions, buffeting me, but I withstood them and held on to her. Alex joined in, and I put my hand on his arm as I felt his body settle in behind mine. He was apologising, over and over, although he never said a word. I could feel him breaking under the strain. As I pulled back, I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, smiling. “You don’t have to be sorry, for anything. There’s nothing to apologise for.”
He gulped down a sob and I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. My big, crazy, adorable brother. He had been just as lost as I was, but he was finding his way home now, just like me.
Mum put her arm around him, drawing us both closer. I wanted to hang on tight, to keep us all together in this place, in this time, even if it was only for now, for this moment. I needed it just as much as they did. I needed them to know that I was with them, even when I wasn’t, and this was a memory they would need to hang on to long after I’d gone.
We pulled apart again, and Mum looked behind me. Pop was still standing there, bathed in the blue glow, looking more relaxed and peaceful than I’d ever seen him before. The lines around his eyes had softened, and he looked both wiser and more vulnerable. I knew he could feel the love she had in her heart for him, just as I could.
“Dad,” she whispered, tears streaming down her face.
He took her in his arms then, and he said goodbye to her as she had said goodbye to me. We were a family about to be torn apart, yet at that moment, we were still whole.
Pop smiled, gently wiping the tears from her cheek.
“I love you,” he said, in a voice that was so tender, it made my soul ache. “Always remember that. It’s going to be alright. I’ll look after her.”
He believed it, and I believed him, although I had no idea where we were going or how we were going to get there.
Alex let go of my arm and Heath was there again, wrapping his arms around me and drawing me close. I closed my eyes. I wanted to remember everything about him, about this moment. The woody tang of his cologne, the blue of his eyes, his chest beneath my cheek, the way his hands felt in the small of my back, the shiver that ran up my spine at the merest touch of him. This time, we got to say goodbye, and that was a precious gift I refused to waste.
“Let her go, boy,” Pop said gently. “You have to let her go.”
I’m glad Pop said it, because I’m not sure I would’ve been able to. I could feel his heart as if it were beating inside my own chest, and with every beat, it screamed at me.
Don’t go. Don’t go. Don’t go.
I heard it as clearly as if he had spoken the words out loud, because the same struggle was going on inside me. Two halves, one whole. What I felt, he felt, whether we liked it or not. I used that knowledge to bathe him in as much peace and love as I had to give.
It flowed out of me and into him like a waterfall. He opened himself up and received it all, and I wanted to believe it would help ease his pain, if not now, then later.
I slowly withdrew from him and he took my hands in his, as if he couldn’t bear to not be touching me. He was trembling, his entire body shaking. He reached deep down inside of me and his eyes spoke volumes although his mouth never moved.
Stay. Please?
I wanted to. I had fought fate once already. I could do it again, couldn’t I? But even as the thought crossed my mind, I already knew our time here was over. There was no place for me here, not anymore. My life was elsewhere, but his was still here.
“Be happy,” I whispered, taking his hand and placing it over my heart.
Tears gathered in his eyes and he tried to speak, but nothing came. I knew, though. I could feel it, everything he wanted to say but couldn’t.
“You can,” I said, nodding firmly. “I know you can.”
I reached up to wipe a tear as it slid slowly down his cheek, and I pressed my fingertip to my lips for the briefest of moments, savouring it.
“Forever and always,” I murmured, trying to smile. “Remember?”
He leaned in and kissed me again, his lips trembling on mine. I closed my eyes and wished him the happy life he deserved. I wished him love, I wished him a family, I wished him children who would worship him and grandchildren he would treasure. I wished him a home full of love and laughter and everything we would have had together. I wished him all of that, and so much more.
I withdrew from him slowly, but he grabbed my hands and held on tight. His eyes locked with mine and I felt his body humming, every cell urging him to hang on. And while he was, I couldn’t let him go either. I didn’t want him to hurt anymore, and he couldn’t begin to heal until he released me. So I did the only thing I could.
I pulled my hands out of his and I stepped back.
He fell to his knees, as if I had taken his strength with me. If it wasn’t for Pop’s arm around me, I think I would’ve fallen with him.
Vinnie, who had hovered in the background all this time, did what I couldn’t. He put his arm around Heath’s shoulders and helped him stand. Vinnie had been there to support him, to help him, to protect him, and I loved him for it. Heath would need him now, more than ever.
“I love you,” I said, tears blinding me. “You’re going to be alright, I promise.”
I wasn’t sure if the room was spinning, or if it was me succumbing to the crushing sensation that slammed into my chest, but things began to shimmer around us. The light that had bathed the entire room began to shudder, like heat haze over tarmac. It was time to go, I could feel it. Whatever had been holding me to this place, to this time, was waning. The pull from elsewhere was stronger, I could feel it in my bones.
Pop took me by the hand, like he used to when I was a little girl. He squeezed my hand gently, acknowledging the ache that was tearing at my heart.
The light in the room pulsated, as if it was speaking to me. I couldn’t hear what it was saying, but I understood the sentiment.
I didn’t look back as Pop squeezed my hand and led me out the door.
I WATCHED OVER HIM afterwards. I had to. Part of my soul was there, with him. He took it hard, and it was painful to see, but I had to know he was going to be alright before I could bring myself to leave him again.
I’m glad he wasn’t alone. They helped each other – Mum, Alex, Vinnie and Jas, and their sweet baby girl, named after me. It felt like a cosmic coincidence, that she was there to ease my departure. She was a distraction, sleight of hand, a tonic, in a way. It gave them all something else to focus on, something good.
She was a beautiful baby, and she grew into a beautiful little girl. She had them all wrapped around her little finger, and it made me smile to see it. Vinnie, who could be so headstrong, bending to the will of this little angel so easily. Jas, who bloomed in motherhood, handling it with the same grace and determination that she handled everything else. Mum treated her like a grand-daughter, doting on her, telling her stories of dragons and fai
ries while brushing her long, blonde hair, so like mine at that age. The perfect mix of wisdom and mysticism, with a tiny dose of magic.
And Uncle Heath. He loved her so much, it made my heart sing.
I watched him grieve for me in private, behind closed doors. He spent long nights sitting out on the jetty in the moonlight, watching the water. I sat right beside him, even if he didn’t know it. I watched sunsets with him, and I was there when he was surfing with Vinnie and the boys. I went to the waterfall with him, and I swam with him in the cool water that mirrored the colour of his eyes. It was frowned upon here, spending so much time with the living, but I didn’t let that stop me. We had found a loophole, he and I, and I was going to exploit it for as long as I was able.
After a time, I watched him fall in love again. I liked her, she was good for him, and she loved him. I saw inside her heart, and his. They were a good match. She made him laugh again, and for that I was grateful. I wanted him to be happy. They were blessed with a child – a boy they named Henry – and Heath became the wonderful father I always knew he would be. He had a home, a wife, a family, and he was content. I began spending less time with him, less time watching over him. I was comfortable leaving him now. He didn’t need me anymore.
Time passes differently here. Weeks seem like minutes, days merely moments. It all happened relatively quickly for me, although I had watched them all growing older without me. Before long, it was time to let him go again.
I was comfortable leaving him this time because it wasn’t like the other times.
This time, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I would see him again.
54 Years Later
True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations;
it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.
- Honore de Balzac
I REMEMBER SITTING ON the floor in the living room with him on a rainy afternoon, making paper planes. I was only about seven years old, and patience was never my strong suit. But he was my Dad – the great and powerful Heath Danes. If he couldn’t figure out why they weren’t flying right, no one could.
