by Joy Jenkins
From her perch, Carter watched as the parking lot filled, waiting.
A silver Bentley swerved into an open space and Lucas climbed out. As he teamed up with his friends, he recognized Carter and grinned in anticipation. The black Mercedes settled into a spot and Donovan stepped out, surveying the scene around him with no reaction. Only when his gaze lighted on Carter did he narrow his eyes. Even from where she sat, Carter felt the force of his scrutiny.
“You know, Owens,” Lucas said, detaching from his friends to lounge against the wall next to Carter. “It doesn’t matter how long you stare at the cars, you're never going to be able to afford one.” Donovan quickened his pace as if sensing a fight. “Did you hear me, Owens?”
Numb, Carter barely heard Lucas.
“Mind moving aside?” Donovan asked, his deep voice cutting through the air.
Lucas spun around, glad for a willing target. When he saw Donovan, his mocking reply died.
“Not like there is anything here I care about,” Lucas said, unconsciously touching his bruised jaw as he sauntered off.
In one smooth motion, Donovan swung legs over the wall, sitting beside Carter while Link scrambled up on her other side. The rumble of car engines and chatter of students wrapped around them.
“Were you waiting for us?” Link asked, breaking their silence.
"Would you believe me if I said 'no'?"
"No," Donovan said.
She made no reply.
Though the bell rang, emptying the parking lot, none of the trio gave any indication of leaving.
“What happened?” Donovan asked.
Squinting out on the parking lot, Carter didn’t see the rows of expensive cars but instead, she saw her mother’s flawless appearance, her perfect pink nails, her hand with the shadow of an engagement ring.
“Nothing,” she said. “We talked. That was it.”
"Look at me," Donovan said.
The request sounded so odd that Carter did as he requested. He studied her face with intelligent eyes. "That's not it.”
She broke away. "There's nothing else.”
Link looked between them, not seeing what Donovan saw but knowing to stay silent.
"You don't have to tell me," Donovan said, "but I would prefer it if you didn't lie to me."
Carter rounded on him. "Why do you even care? What makes you think that you’d understand?”
Despite her outburst, Donovan kept his cool. "Because, despite what you think, I do know what is going on. I thought I could help."
"Well, you can't! Okay? There is nothing you can do that would help."
Donovan dropped down from the wall and straightened, his arms hanging loosely by his side.
"There is one thing," he said. "Punch me."
Carter forgot her frustration as Link fought back a surprised laugh.
“What?” she said.
Dropped his bag to the ground, Donovan slipped his hands into his pockets.
"Punch me," he said. "You feel like hitting something, right? Hit me.”
Carter twisted around but didn't climb off the wall. "I'm not going to hit you.”
"No, you're not. You’re not even going to get close but you can give it your best shot."
For good measure, he smirked. Galled into action, Carter hopped down, forming fists. With mocking casualness, Donovan drew his hands out of his pockets. Link clambered off the wall, appointing himself as a lookout.
Carter swung at Donovan's jaw. With a speed that startled her, he ducked her blow. When he righted, she came out at him with her opposite fist. He blocked this shot with his forearm and caught her wrist with his other hand. She broke from his hold and attacked again. Again he parried the hit.
Gritting her teeth, Carter jerked her knee up to his side. Donovan retreated a single step, avoiding the impact. A surge of frustration rose in Carter and she darted in quickening movements. Every jab, strike, and punch she threw, he blocked, his counter moves swift and sure.
The second bell rang but neither of them heard. Carter became more frantic and less coordinated as her thoughts pounded away in her head. Sweat beaded on her forehead as she struggled to move faster. Images of her mother flashed in her mind, affecting her concentration. The pain in her chest expanded. Donovan blocked another one of her hits and her anger exploded.
"She's happy! Okay?" she yelled. “She’s engaged and she’s happy!”
Depleted, Carter sank to the ground, pressing her back against the rough stone and burying her head in her hands. Donovan lowered himself beside her, his hands draped over his knees. Link sat across from them, sympathy filling his eyes.
"She is moving on with her life," Carter said. "Making a new family. Why does she get to have happiness? She doesn’t deserve it. She abandoned us. She was supposed to be miserable. But she’s happy. Where is our happy ending?"
She leaned her head back, the numbness that had been dragging on her finally gone. Before Donovan could say anything, a woman appeared from around the corner, her mouth forming a tight line.
"The bell has rung," she said. "To class, all of you."
As Link shouldered his backpack, Donovan held out a hand to Carter. When she took it he easily lifted her to her feet. "I do understand." Carter stared at him, skeptical and he nodded at Link. "He might not have gotten as close to hitting me as you did but he tried just as hard."
Carter cast a glance at Link and he shrugged, wearing a half-smile. Finding out who his father was, facing the fact that his mother had lied to him all his life. Yeah, she imagined Link would want to hit something.
"I get it, Carter," Donovan said.
"He really does," Link said.
Before she had the chance to respond, the woman cleared her throat. "Class. Now," she commanded.
As they all walked into school, Carter glanced at Donovan and he met her gaze.
Chapter 31
Thunder clouds clashed outside and lightning streaked across the sky. Rain pummeled the cafeteria windows, a constant drumming in Carter’s ears. She sat with her back pressed against the cold pane, the chill leaching into her. But she didn’t move. She felt trapped in the day before, everything she’d said, everything she didn’t say.
Amy’s bubbly voice traveled to the table a second before she came into view, Link beside her. The couple sat next to each other, talking happily. When Donovan slid in next to Carter, his arm brushed hers. He eyed her uneaten sandwich.
“It’s yours if you want it,” Carter said.
“Not hungry?”
She shook her head. Somehow it seemed easier to be numb because now all she felt was lost.
“Are you going to tell me what actually happened yesterday?” Donovan said, angling toward her.
“I did. I talked to her. Found out she is engaged and left.”
Donovan continued to study her, which irked Carter.
“What?” she snapped.
“Yesterday. Did you talk to her or did you badger her?”
Carter straightened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what I said. Did you talk or did you go in looking for a fight?”
Right then, Carter wanted to hit him. “I went to talk.”
“But you ended up looking for a fight,” he said.
“How could you possibly know that?”
“Because,” he said, “regardless of what you think, I know you.” Donovan stared at her like she was a puzzle he could easily solve. “And I know if you had talked to her, actually talked to her, you wouldn’t look this way.”
“Yeah,” Carter scoffed. “And what is that? Still pissed over what she did?”
As Donovan regarded her with a touch of pity, Carter felt her defenses rising up to protect her. “No. Lost.”
He struck home and Carter hated him for it. “I’m not lost,” she hissed. “I know exactly what is happening and who she is.”
Donovan didn’t back down, his face close to hers. “Do you?”
The question poked at Cart
er’s self-created walls. “You are the one who doesn’t know anything.”
To her annoyance, Donovan eased back and shrugged. “You’re right. I only know what you’ve told me and what I see. Maybe you should find out if you are the one not seeing clearly.”
Furious with Donovan, with herself, with everything, Carter snatched up her bag. “Don’t assume you know everything.”
“Maybe you should listen to your own advice.”
Carter stormed out of the cafeteria, a startled Link calling after her.
◆◆◆
Donovan’s accusations beat against Carter like the rain pelting her face as she disembarked the bus in her neighborhood. His statement taunted her: “Maybe you should find out if you are the one not seeing clearly”. Soaked and numb from cold, Carter walked into the cheery embrace of the deli. Maggie rushed over with a towel, brows pinched with concern. “Hon, you’re all wet.”
Only then did Carter register her current state. Accepting the towel, she dried her jacket, bag, and wiped off the rain that clung to her hair. Maggie watched her all the while, worried.
“Come sit,” Maggie said.
In the booth, Carter stared out on the storm, clouds battling, thunder roaring, lightning spiking. Maggie set down a plate with two cookies, prodding Carter's arm to get her attention. Without speaking, Carter broke the cookie into pieces, crumbs falling onto the plate.
"Steve said you talked to your mother yesterday," Maggie said cautiously. Carter nodded. "How did it go?” Carter shrugged. "I know it must have been hard but did you at least get closure?"
Carter pulled back: closure was the last thing she felt. Inside her still felt like a gaping wound. She dropped the cookie. "I have to go.”
Maggie stood but didn’t follow. Yanking the door open, Carter raced into the icy, battering rain. She pounded up the apartment stairs, taking them two at a time. With the damp, the door swelled and Carter had to shoulder her way into her own home. The door shut as she leaned against it.
Carter shook with cold surrounded by emptiness. Forcing herself to stand, she stumbled into her room, discarded her layers of wet clothes, and changed to the first dry thing she found. But the warm clothes did nothing to dispel the storm within.
In her father’s room, Carter unlocked her father's gun case and took out the first gun her eyes landed on. Sinking to the floor, she disassembled it. There was a chill over the apartment but she didn't feel it. As she worked the chaos in her mind calmed as she focused on something that she could control. Something she could understand. Something that made sense.
Over and over again, she tirelessly tore her work apart only to rebuild it again. The light shifted and melted from the sky. Still, she assembled and disassembled the gun, her fingers fitting the pieces together by memory more than by sight.
Her father found her in the same spot hours later, her fingers bruised from pressing the metal too hard. She didn't see how he stopped in the doorway, a pain beyond grief came over him at the sight of her.
What she did see was his hand as he dropped it gently over hers, stilling her frantic movements.
But she didn't look at him. In the silence of the room, the rain continued to hit the window
"What am I not getting?" she said, barely audible.
"Sarge..." her father said, gently.
"What am I missing?!” she said, unable to hold back her hurt and anger. “What is wrong with me? Why did she leave me ...What did I do wrong?"
Carter’s voice cracked on the last question. She dropped her head. She couldn’t bear to see the truth in her father’s eyes, that it was her fault. Her father let out a weary sigh and sank to the ground. “Look at me, Carter”
When she didn’t, he rested a hand on her shoulder. "Sarge, look at me.” Finally, she met his eyes. "It wasn't your fault. Your mother left because she decided to leave. It had nothing to do with you, you hear me?"
He held her gaze in the dim light for a long moment and Carter knew he hoped his words got through. "You can’t take on this guilt. I don't fully know why she left but it had nothing to do with you."
"If I'm not the reason she left, then why?" she whispered.
Her father wrapped her in his protective arms as if he could shield her. They stayed silent, neither knowing what to say next, trapped in emotions they hadn't felt for years.
Chapter 32
Carter jammed her fists deeper into the pockets of her jacket as she sat huddled on the trunk of a car. The world smelled fresh with the scent of damp grass and wet cement. On the horizon, sunlight poked holes in the barrier of gray clouds. A gentle breeze played with the ends of Carter’s loose hair. As students passed by, they gave Carter odd looks.
When the black Mercedes pulled into the empty space in front of Carter, she saw through the tinted front window Donovan’s flicker of surprise and Link’s blatant bafflement.
“You can’t convince me this time that you weren’t waiting for us,” Link said. Carter almost smiled at that. “How did you know we would park here?”
“You’ve parked here the previous two times. Humans are creatures of habit.”
Link laughed, lightening Carter’s mood. Donovan gave Carter a studying look, as usual reading her unsaid thoughts
“You don’t have to say it,” Donovan said.
“How do you know what I’m going to say?” Carter asked.
"The way you’re sitting. Your face. If you wanted a fight, there would be more tension in your body. Since it's not a fight, there is only one other reason you would be waiting for us.”
At his thorough deduction, Carter did smile slightly, though it quickly faded.
“You don’t have to say it,” Donovan repeated.
"I know, but I need to."
Link ran a hand through his hair. "Should I know what is going on?"
Neither of them answered him.
"I'm sorry," Carter said, quietly.
“I know.”
Scratching his jaw, puzzled, Link darted a glance at both of them. “Is that what happened yesterday, you two fought?”
“Yeah,” Carter said, as Donovan rested back on the hood of the car.
“What was it about?” Link asked.
When Donovan said nothing, Carter knew he was letting her be the one to share or not. The fact that he wouldn’t reveal her outburst struck Carter. He was being a good friend to her even when she hadn’t been. Right then, she knew she didn’t deserve his friendship.
“Donovan told me,” Carter said. “That I wasn’t seeing everything clearly in regards to my mother. I got kind of mad at him."
Donovan raised one mocking eyebrow. "Kind of mad?”
Despite herself, Carter breathed out a laugh and Link took this as a sign he could take the spot beside her on the trunk.
"What did Donovan say that made you so pissed?” he asked.
"He said I wasn’t seeing things clearly in regards to my mother," she said, bitterness entering her voice. "He was wrong.”
Link softened with understanding while Donovan held his peace.
"Carter..." Link said. He met her gaze for a second then dropped it to his clasped hands. "I know it's going to sound...odd..." He wiggled, uncertain. "But have you ever thought that...I don't know, you've painted your mother as a monster for so long you've forgotten she's human?"
Carter closed her eyes, seeing too clearly the unyielding way her mother told her father she was leaving. The way she met Carter’s eyes but still walked out the door. Tangled with those were the good times when it had been the three of them, together.
“Making her human,” Carter said slowly, “makes it possible for me to rationalize what she did. It would mean somehow it was okay.”
Link shook his head adamantly. “Carter, no. No matter what, leaving you was messed up. You can still be mad at what she did. I still have times of being mad at my dad." He sighed. ”Whether that will ever change or not, I don't know.”
The vehemence in his tone comforted Carter. Not on
ly was she not alone but he understood her.
“Did you see your father as a monster?” she asked.
"First few years of my life,” he said, “he was this faceless man that had abandoned me. When he showed up and wasn't this monster, it took me a while to deal with that. In the end, what mattered was I got to say the things I had always needed to say.” Carter stared at the ground in thought. “What happened yesterday with your mother?”
Embarrassed, Carter didn’t look up. “I insulted her.”
Link bumped his shoulder with her. “At least you didn’t try to punch her. Did you say what you needed to?”
“I thought I did. But no, I didn’t.”
“Do you think you’ll see her again?”
That was the question. Could she face her mother again after what she’d said? Would it change anything if she did? Did she want to?
“I honestly don't know.”
“Carter,” Donovan said. “Saying what you need to doesn’t change anything. How much you see her or don’t, interact with her or don’t, will still be in your hands. She doesn’t have the power to control the situation.”
Carter regarded him, mystified. "How do you understand so much about this? I know your mother was a psychologist but this seems like more than what you would pick up just chatting with her.”
In answer, Donovan dipped his head toward Link.
"This is ancient history to Donovan," Link said. "He was the only one who I could tell all my problems too. Your situation is nothing new."
“And Link turned out alright," Donovan said.
"As far as you know," Carter said.
Link shoved her shoulder, eliciting a chuckle from her. They fell silent for a moment, both boys appraising her.
"What are you doing after school?" she asked.
"You need a ride?" Donovan asked.
"I think I might.”
Behind them, the bell called out to them, telling them to head to class.
"You guys don't feel like ditching first period and going somewhere, do you?” Carter asked.
