“You have a good shifter smell!” Lorna announces, and I snort a laugh at that. “Some boys’ smell gross. But yours is nice.”
“Well, thanks,” Jason says, chuckling.
I lean by the stove and exchange a smile with my dad who’s just meekly making breakfast, laughing to himself at the conversation. But when he looks at me he says, “You look better.” But he looks tragic when he says it. And there’s not much I can do about that. If I told him this wasn’t his fault, I’d be lying.
All I can say is, “I’ll be alright.” I kiss his cheek and he looks mildly comforted.
“Where are you from?” Lorna says.
“Oregon,” Jason says softly.
“Do you have family?”
Ho boy.
“Uh, Lorna ”
“It’s alright,” Jason says. His voice sounds so soft I can hardly hear it and Lorna stops what she’s coloring to look at him seriously. “I have a sister. But I haven’t talked to her in a very long time now.”
“Why not?” Lorna whispers.
“I was… I was very mean to her,” Jason says, frowning down at her drawings of wolves. “I hurt her a lot. So she doesn’t want to talk to me. She’s right not to.”
“Are you sorry?” Lorna says.
“Yes, very sorry.”
“And you won’t do it again?”
“No,” Jason whispers. “Not ever.”
“Okay good,” Lorna says, as if that’s all there is to it. “As long as you told her you’re sorry and you won’t ever do it again.”
Jason suddenly gets a kind of adorably blank look on his face and he blinks up at me. “Oh… I didn’t. I didn’t do that.”
We all look at Jason and I say, “What’s that?”
“I mean I never told her I’m sorry,” Jason says slowly. “I guess it also feels like too big a thing to say I’m sorry for. I’ve been… I’d be apologizing for so much.”
“You should write her a letter,” I tell him. “Maybe send it to the Mulligan and they could get it to her. Write her a letter and tell her you’re sorry. Just be careful. Don’t expect her to want to see you or anything.”
“Yeah.” Jason chews on his lip, looking very serious. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”
My dad lays a big stack of bacon on a paper towel and I grab one hot strip and stick it in Jason’s gaping mouth as he laughs and then hums, grabbing it and taking a bite.
“Eat your bacon, baby.”
Chapter Thirteen: Jason
I gave in. I had too. I know the exact moment it happened too. It was when I thought that huge wolf was going to kill me. I really thought I was about to bite the dust and I even thought, it was maybe a fitting ending. As the crowd seemed to boo the newcomer and cheer me, I felt as if I’d found a home. I’d hitched a ride with no real idea of where I was going and ended up in a town that seems as lost as I am. Yet the place seems to want to try. It struggles against its nature. I haven’t been here long, but they were calling my name, cheering for me, shouting that they hoped I would be alright, even as my wolf faced off against one nearly twice my size. I have to admit, I was moved. But I also thought: this is how it happens. I find my home and my mate, and then I get killed. And after all, isn’t that what I deserve?
Then somehow, well I wasn’t winning. I was barely making it out alive as I dodged the guy, hoping I could get by on tiring him out even after having fought six fights. I had no better plan. I could barely get a swipe at him. He was a bit slow but not very. And he seemed to be made entirely of muscle. Nothing was going to get this wolf down. I was trying to figure out a way to give in without making it too obvious. The wolf had a dumb but brutal look in his eye. He seemed like he was ready to crush me into bits just to show he could and he started to before I whined. I think it was actually a mistake that the bell rang for the win as his jaws moved to capture my throat. He was about to kill me, deliberately, right there in front of everyone, but then the bell was ringing and Remmy’s guys were coming in and it was over. I got away. I survived.
I knew then as the crowd looked right at me, seeming to cheer for a pathetic loss (though I won every other fight last night), it’s useless to deny love. Because when I thought I was about to be killed, I only saw Carrie’s face in front of my eyes. It only occurred to me then, that though I may never deserve Carrie, seeing her love for me and loving her will only push me to be a better man. It made me less afraid. And when I staggered into that gym afterwards, I was ready to make her my mate for life.
I’m not working today so I spend the whole morning with Carrie before she starts her short shift at the diner. We walk together and she jokes about having to hold me up and I tickle her side in retaliation. I love seeing her laugh. I never tried to make somebody laugh for the right reasons before. The only times I ever did that that I can think of is when I’d make the other guys laugh at how I was teasing the pups or being cruel to them.
Carrie and I kiss by the water. It takes forever to walk her to the diner but I finally leave her, promising to see her later at The Ring. I don’t know what happens tonight but we have this time now. I think I’m only just realizing that as miserable as the fights are, they shouldn't steal our happiness. Life is too short for that.
I go home and clean up my place a little. It’s been getting messy and dirty because I’m not used to having a place to keep up myself. I don’t mind it though. It’s kind of satisfying to take a little pride in a home even if it’s a crappy little shack like this one. It’s nothing compared to Carrie’s place. That place is totally different and I like the way I feel when I’m there, like I’m becoming the kind of man I’d like to be. I never thought in my entire life I’d enjoy talking to a little kid about her crayon drawings but here we are.
I have so much time on my hands before the fights that I can take it to rest but I know what else I have to do and I shouldn’t put it off now that I have the drive to do it. I limp on over to the general goods store next to Casey’s and buy myself the nicest pen they have, some paper, and a couple of envelopes. Then I go to the coffee place next door and sit down. This is going to be difficult not just because it’s Alice I’m writing too but because I’ve barely written words in my life. There was some low level schooling at Hardwidge, but it wasn’t exactly intensive. I can read and write and do basic math and all but I’m probably equivalent to a fifth grader or something like that. Plus, Alice was always better with that sort of thing. I remember she had a backpack full of books that she kept and read over and over. And sometimes she’d get to go to the library in town. I never cared about that stuff.
Dear Alice,
I’m stuck on that for a good half hour. But I make myself keep going, my cheeks burning at the sight of my awkward and childlike kind of handwriting. I tell Alice that I’m sorry. I tell her that I didn’t think about anything in prison but how much I regretted what I’d done and how I’d treated her her whole life as well as everyone else I mistreated back at Hardwidge. I go on and on about what I’d do over again and how sorry I am til I’m rambling and tears are sliding down my cheeks as I cover a fourth page with possibly incoherent words. I tell her I don’t expect her to write back or ever want to speak to me. I tell her where I am and what I’m doing on the off chance she’d want to know and I tell her I hope she’s found happiness with Mason Tremblay (I’m pretty sure he’s her mate now). I tell her a lot of things.
I sign it:
Your brother,
Jason
By the time I’m done writing, I’ve written ten pages. I’m guessing there are a whole lot of misspellings and errors in the letter. At a point I was just writing whatever was in my head. I’ll bet some of it doesn’t even make sense. I didn’t tell her about Remmy or the fights or any of that stuff. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to make her feel sorry for me. Because she shouldn’t. I just tell her I’m in a small town in Alaska and I’ve found work and that I’m trying to learn to be a good man. Before I can second guess myself, I address the envel
ope. I seal up Alice’s letter and I write my address on it in big letters just in case Alice ever does feel like writing back. I write a note to the office at the Mulligan and ask them if they can forward this to Mason Tremblay care of Alice, because I think she lives with him but that’s all I know. Then I address the second envelope and seal everything thing up inside. I’m full of nerves but I drag myself to the post office, buy one single first class stamp, and send it off.
That night when I meet Carrie at The Ring, I feel weirdly good, considering I don’t want to fight at all anymore and my body is beaten to shit and this asshole alpha basically owns my ass just because he says so and definitely owns my mate’s ass. But he can’t touch us, not Carrie and me, not really. The thought makes my feet feel light as Carrie throws her arms around my neck and I kiss her.
“I’m worried about Ray,” she says, leaning against me.
I rub her back. “I know,” I say. I’ve thought about the kid too, but if we demanded Remmy let him out, he would want some kind of trade or to teach us a lesson and I’m not about to risk Carrie getting hurt again. “I know, baby.” It’s all I can think to say. And all I can do is hold her.
Remmy is in a mood so cheerful it makes me immediately suspicious. Since Carrie’s in better shape, he definitely wants her to fight, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Since she’s in better shape and that big asshole is gone, I’m not very worried. Although I’d rather she not fight at all.
We’re all hanging out in the gym, laughing and goofing around, and in way too good a mood for a night at The Ring.
But then Remmy changes up his spiel at the beginning of the show, the mood abruptly changes. We weren’t even listening and then one of the fighters, Louis, popped his head in and told us we should be watching.
Carrie and I go out and lean on the wall of the bleachers by the gym. Remmy’s in the cage but he’s not alone. He appears to have brought up somebody from the audience at random. The guy is young but well built. He looks like he could be a fighter himself except that he looks mortified to be trapped in a cage with Remmy who is puffing on a cigar and leering at the crowd.
“We have a lot of fun at the fights!” Remmy shouts. “As the alpha of this pack, I like seeing my pack have fun! Haha!” His laugh is cutting and there’s no mirth in it. I have a terrible feeling creeping up the back of my neck as Remmy spins and finding us in the crowd, looks at both of us, hard. I get the feeling whatever is about to happen is a lot to do with us. “And as the alpha of this pack, I want to give you a show! Wooo!” Everyone cheers but it’s that fake kind of cheer that means everyone desperately hates Remmy. “So I’m going to fight myself tonight because as your alpha I should prove my worth to you, shouldn’t I?” People seem to like that idea. I think they’re being incredibly stupid.
The guy in the cage says, “I...I don’t want to fight you, please-”
Remmy says something in his ear and the guy goes pale. I’m guessing it was a threat because immediately the guy shifts. The crowd cheers and then Remmy shifts and the bell rings.
It doesn’t take a genius to guess what’s coming. Remmy goes at the kid like a bomb. He practically tears the kid apart and never attempts to subdue. It’s a show of strength and power to put everyone in their place. The crowd cheers tepidly but everyone looks horrified. The fight is long. Remmy doesn’t want to just kill him, that would be too obvious. He plays with him, bats him around. The guy gives him a run for a minute, but he’s up against the alpha. By the end, the guy is gushing blood on the floor and not moving. Remmy shifts back, sweaty and wiping his bloody mouth. The bell rings and even the chime itself sounds more like a church bell rung for a funeral. One of his guys unlatches the cage and climbs in to check on the audience member just as Remmy lights up a cigar.
Remmy’s man who I’ve seen before and who has never looked very bothered by what Remmy does on a daily basis now looks shocked as he stares at the unmoving wolf on the ground, his neck bleeding out into the cage. The floor looks slick with blood. It will need to be cleaned up before anyone can even fight in it.
“He’s…” Remmy’s man clears his throat and says, “He’s dead.”
Remmy raises his arms and hoots and the crowd claps very sporadically but nobody says a word. Everyone just looks sick. I want to scream at them that they could surely overtake him if they just pulled together and decided to but they all look cowed now, too afraid and beaten down. Remmy ends his spiel, naming the next fighters, his chin still dripping blood and then he climbs out of the cage and down to the floor. He makes his way back to his waiting seat in the VIP section, still puffing on his trusty cigar.
Nothing else of note happens at the fights that night. Carrie fights and wins and the crowd supports her. Remmy looks very angry about that. I don’t understand what the guy expects. He murdered an innocent person in front of everyone to show off his power. Does he really think they’re going to love him too? At the end of the night he tells Carrie all her pay from now on is going to the debt. She’s basically indentured, but then we all are. At least I’m getting money though. Not that I wouldn’t give it up if he’d let us go.
Carrie and I go to Casey’s because as much as we don’t want Remmy to have a hold on us he just killed a guy to prove a point and the entire town sat back and watched it happen. At Hardwidge, wolves occasionally challenged each other but except for the challenges for alpha, nobody was actually killed. Or not deliberately anyway. I can’t believe this place is actually worse than Hardwidge. At least in some ways.
We saddle up to the bar. Casey’s is open on fight nights, it’s just mostly empty so Gary doesn’t need my help. He’s looking grim now as he wordlessly pours us drinks. He’s already heard about what happened.
“What was his name?” I ask Carrie.
She leans against my shoulder, sighing. “His name was Sam.”
Gary pours himself a drink too and we all clink our glasses. “To Sam,” we say, and the few other patrons in the bar raise their glasses to and pay their respects. In a very small way, it does feel like a rebellion against Remmy just to acknowledge that tragedy.
“I wrote a letter to my sister,” I say, taking another sip. It burns going down. I couldn’t drink this stuff all the time, that’s for sure. But booze sure is nice for times like these. “Mailed it off already before I could change my mind.”
“Yeah?” Carrie beams at me and kisses my cheek. “That’s good. I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah yeah yeah.”
“It’s good,” Carrie insists, wrapping an arm around me. “Personal growth and all that.”
“Personal growth?” I cackle at that. I’ve heard about self-help type therapy stuff on TV but it feels weird to hear it from Carrie. It seems like such a human thing. “Sounds like something you gotta see a doctor for.
“Ha ha.”
We chat for a while and Gary asks for a rundown on the fights. He says he never goes to them even if someone else is covering the bar. But he likes to hear about it if only to make sure nobody’s gotten too badly hurt lately. When we tell him about Ray, he looks pale with anger and stalks off to the back room, slamming the door, before a series of thumps and shattering is heard.
When he comes back out, he just shakes his head, muttering to himself.
“Son of a bitch, that Remmy,” he says under his breath.
“Cheers to that,” Carrie cracks, raising her glass.
“Hey, Carrie?” The voice is young and male and we spin around in our seats. Four boys who don’t look quite young enough to be inside a bar are standing there, looking sheepish in their parkas. The one in front has long dark hair falling into his eyes and he looks shy as the others push him forward to speak. They whisper among themselves and Carrie and I glance each other, amused.
“You need something, Carlos?” Carrie says.
“Yeah.” Carlos clears his throat. He gestures to his friends and says, “Yeah okay, so me and the guys here we were just up in Kodiak Woods? On the other side of the river?
”
“Yeah?” Carrie looks a little bemused by them but she lets them go on.
“Okay, so we were south of the river which is still Grayling pack’s territory, right? But then the Kodiak pack came down south of the river and went after us and there's more of them than us-”
“They were south of the river?” Carrie says. She looks each of them in the eye and they all nod firmly.
“Yes,” the kid says. “Definitely south. But like shit like that can start a war, right? Like I don’t know, I feel like maybe they didn’t know where the boundary was? So I shifted back and I told them, you know, like almost ass kicked, dude. And I said if they fucked with us again I’d send you after them because people come down to The Ring sometimes from all over, ya know. And they’d heard of you and it really freaked them out. So I just wanted to know if that was okay.” He wipes his nose and looks at Carrie expectantly. “Like it seemed to work! They said they didn’t know the boundary was at the river.”
“You used my name,” Carrie says flatly. “Why didn’t you just tell them Remmy would come after them?”
They all look at each other funny when she says that and Carlos laughs. “Well, he wouldn’t though. Remmy doesn’t give a shit about pack business but you always do. You’re more of an alpha than he is.”
Carrie blushes a little at that but I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face. “Alright,” she mutters. “Alright yeah, that’s fine. Let me know if they do give you trouble again and I’ll make a visit to their alpha.”
The kids thank her and then Gary drives them out of the bar because they’re not really supposed to be there. I can’t stop smiling and Carrie finally raises her eyebrows at me and shrugs.
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