by A L Makin
“You need to keep in mind that vampires are naturally a selfish race. Because of this, Houses have fought against each other for centuries trying to gain ultimate power and dominance over all others.”
I nod trying to keep up.
Happy I understand so far, he carries on.
“Every few years or so, our House would be dragged into some sort of dispute over power and control, but we always triumphed and came out the other side relatively unscathed. However, on one occasion, the fighting escalated out of control and there were so many casualties. My father and his brother lost their lives in that battle,” he whispers, bowing his head.
“This would have meant that the Head of House would’ve fallen to me as I was the next in line. But relations with my family had already been ripped apart years before, and I’d been unseated, no longer allowed to lead our House as the next in line. With me unseated, my father and uncle dead, Travis was automatically the one to take my father’s place … which he did gladly,” he turns back to face me and I can see the pain swirling behind his beautiful black eyes.
“Growing up I always knew he held it against me for being the rightful next in line destined to lead our House. The day I was disowned was the happiest I’ve ever seen him,” he finishes bitterly.
“I’m so sorry Ryder,” I whisper as I cradle his cool hand in mine. He looks down at our hands as our fingers interlock.
Looking back up I can see his eyes have turned back to their captivating blue, and his fangs have disappeared.
“It’s ok. It’s in the past,” he answers sadly.
His wings retract back into his body with no sign they were ever there. Standing up he retrieves my dressing gown and his t-shirt off the wet floor. Handing over the sodden material he looks down at me.
“Maybe I should go? You must be cold and tired,” he blurts out.
Taken back by his unexpected and sudden desire to leave, I look down at my naked arms.
“No, I’m ok actually,” I reply looking back up at him. “Do you want to come inside instead?”
He looks across to the open kitchen door and shakes his head.
“I better not.”
“Why?”
“It’s late,” he answers flatly.
He’s being evasive and I don’t like it. Not when he’s been so open with me tonight. Not when he’s kissed me in the rain and spoken words filled with heat. I deserve more than that.
However, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I know why he’s suddenly had a change in heart. She’s not been mentioned yet, but she’s got to be the reason why?
“It’s because you have to get back to her, isn’t it,” I bite.
“Who?” he looks down at me, his brow furrowed.
Her name tastes bitter in my mouth, “Liliana.”
“Travis told you …” He answers flatly.
“Everything,” I reply.
“Everything … are you sure?” he answers low.
“Yeah,” I reply.
Ryder crosses his arms across his naked chest, wet t-shirt folded over the crease in his elbow.
“Go on then … what’s he said?”
“That you’re engaged to Liliana. You’re going to marry her,” I shrug my shoulders.
With lips pursed he nods his head slowly. “Is that all?”
“What do you mean is that all? Is that not enough?”
“I mean is that all he told you about our little arrangement?” he asks back.
‘Well yeah … what else is there to say?” I reply dryly.
“For a start, there’s the reason why I’m marrying her. We could start there. I bet he didn’t fill you in on that bit of information did he?” he asks back.
I don’t like the way the conversation has turned. We’re practically arguing between ourselves.
“He didn’t have to. You marry someone because you love them and want to spend the rest of your lives together,” I explain before quickly adding. “What I don’t understand is how you can love her … set to marry her … but then you’re here with me. You’ve kissed me and told me all your secrets … yet you’re marrying her. What was the point in risking it all?” I bite back hurt.
He takes a step forward and drops his wet t-shirt onto the bench, holding out his hand for me to take. Looking down at his outstretched fingers and back to his perfect face, I reluctantly take his offered hand, and he helps me to stand. We keep our hands holding. I sigh quietly, frustrated. I can’t help myself. Even when I know I shouldn’t, I give in.
“The point is I like you Willow. More than you could ever possibly know … more than I knew before tonight. Being away from you this last week has shown me just how much you mean to me. I’ve not been able to get you out of my mind and had to see you again,” he takes a breath. “I know what I’m saying must sound insane … I mean we barely know each other. But that doesn’t make it any less true,” he finishes.
“But Liliana,” I bounce back quietly.
“Liliana,” he nods. “Travis failed to mention a key part of my engagement to her,” he states.
“What key part?” I ask confused.
“He forgot to mention the part where I’m being forced to marry her,” he continues, “I haven’t chosen her … I don’t love her … Hell, I don’t even like the woman! But for the sake of my House, I have no choice but to marry her,” he tries to explain.
“I don’t understand how someone like you could’ve been forced into marrying her?” I question.
Ryder rubs his forehead, eyes briefly close before running his hand through his dark hair.
“Do you remember when I said I’d been unseated, no longer allowed to be Head of House Draegon?” he asks.
I nod my head in response.
“Well, since the passing of my father and uncle, our House has been weak. Weak with Travis as Head of House. He’s not got what it takes or the strength to be a leader … a good leader,” he says, voice deepening. “Liliana comes from a strong House; the Zanak’s. Her father is Head of House Zanak at the moment, but the problem lies when it comes to deciding who will eventually take over from him. Liliana is the oldest of four. She has three brothers, but they are triplets. All three of them live like they’re one unit. You can’t have one of them somewhere, without the other two close behind. James who was the first-born male would be Head of House Zanak. But with their strange dynamic, he finds it hard to live and think for himself. On the same side, it’s impossible to have the three of them in charge at the same time. It was therefore decided between the two Houses, that if I want House Draegon to remain allies with House Zanak, then I must marry Liliana … On our wedding day, I have sworn that I’ll renounce my name Draegon and officially become a Zanak. Eventually, I’ll become Head of House Zanak when Liliana’s father steps down,” he says shaking his head.
“Travis gets his wish of continuing to be Head of House Draegon, getting rid of me in the process. Everyone in House Draegon remains safe, and the Zanak’s gain a Head of House with their daughter in charge by default. It’s win, win for everyone,” he explains.
“Except for you …” I state.
“Except for me,” he agrees. “But I have no other choice.”
“Of course you have a choice,” I argue. “Everyone has a choice.”
“But I don’t,” he argues back, jaw clenching.
“Of course you do. You don’t have to be a part of a House,” I try to reason.
“It’s not just about being a part of a House. If I don’t go through with the engagement, then House Draegon will be destroyed.”
“How?” I ask, rubbing my forehead.
“It’s simple. If I go back on my word, then I have as good as pissed on our agreement and rejected their daughter in the process. The Zanak’s are a House who fights fire with ice, and just like ice, they’ll extinguish everyone who carries the Draegon name … starting with my mother and sisters. I might be a monster. But even monsters have weaknesses and mine is my family, and the Zanak
’s know it. They have lots to gain from mine and Liliana’s union, so there is no chance they’ll stand by and let me insult them in that way,” he grinds out.
“With me unseated as Head of House Draegon, and our House weak with Travis in charge, they’ve got us right where they want us. They knew when they put the offer on the table that there wasn’t any way I could turn it down. If I had, they would have killed us all as punishment for sure. I just couldn’t do it, not when my mother and sisters are still apart of the House. Everything I have done in the past has lead me to this moment. I’m not worth it. I deserve to be in eternal hell with Liliana.”
I’ve never heard him mention his family before. He can’t be completely evil if he’s prepared to sacrifice his own happiness for their welfare … including Travis’s.
“So where does that leave us then?” I ask. “You’ve come here tonight because you can’t stop thinking about us. You’ve bared all your secrets, yet there is nothing you can do about ‘us’. Not without putting everything you hold dear and love at risk. It’s an impossible task,” I bite my bottom lip. “Not unless you never planned on us being together in an official sense of the word. If that’s what you’d planned, then I’m sorry you’ve wasted your time. There is no way you can marry Liliana and expect me to be something on the side. It’s not gonna happen no matter how much I like you. I’m not that type of person,” I finish.
He shakes his head. “I would never in a million lifetimes expect that of you. You’re worth so much more than to be someone’s plaything on the side. So in answer to your question, I don’t know … I honestly don’t know where it leaves us,” he replies staring at his hands.
“I know where it leaves us … it leaves us nowhere. We can never be. You’ve made a promise - a promise you have no choice but to keep, to keep for the sake of your family and your House.” I take a step towards him. “Tonight it must end. End before it starts. End before we’re in too deep. Before anyone gets hurt,” I say as I look up into his bright blue eyes. I can feel my heart slowly cracking in two. I can’t believe I’m losing him before I got a chance to have him. But he’s not mine to have, he never was. He belongs to Liliana and always has.
Every nerve tingles as he cups the side of my jaw. Looking down at me he stares deep into my soul.
“I don’t want this, you know that don’t you,” he breathes. “I would give anything to be with you instead.”
“I know,” I reply.
He nods slumping his shoulders. He’s comforted that I believe what he’s said, even though we both know deep down that they make no difference at all on the situation we’re in.
“You should leave,” I sigh. “We’re only torturing ourselves now.”
“But I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave here knowing this is the last chance I have to touch your beautiful face, or to hold you in my arms, or …”
He leans down brushing his lips against mine. The touch is soft and gentle at first, but we both quickly get swept away in the moment and begin to kiss each other deeper and harder. He wraps his strong arms around me as he continues to kiss me, the desperation to keep us connected flowing free. He knows as well as I do that the moment we pull away is the moment we have to say goodbye to each other forever. We struggle to catch our breath as the passion of the kiss intensifies. But no matter how much we both never want it to end, we know it has to. We stay locked in each other’s arms until I slow down the kiss and stop it completely. As I pull away from Ryder I can see the pain behind his eyes. He’s hurting as much as I am. Neither of us wants this. If we could choose, we’d choose to be together. But we can’t.
I lean my head against his chest and can hear his heart beating. Stroking my drying hair down my back, he rests his cheek against the top of my head.
“This isn’t helping either of us,” I say against his chest.
“I know,” he agrees. “If I knew in the past that one day I’d meet you, I would never have agreed to marry Liliana, regardless of the consequence. I’d have found another way,” he states.
“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing,” I reply as I pull away and look up into his beautiful face. I inspect every inch of it, taking it all in. I can’t guarantee that I’ll ever have the chance to be this close to him again.
“I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I have the strength to say goodbye,” he whispers.
“You have no choice remember,” I whisper back.
He nods slowly as he tucks a loose strand of hair back behind my ear.
I take a few steps back and Ryder’s arm stretches out in an attempt at keeping our contact. His eyes widen with every step I take.
“Don’t …” He begs.
It’s killing me to move away. To purposely leave him, his touch, his kiss. But I have to. I have to for Ryder. He has a promise to keep and I have to help him keep it. I can’t be the reason his family is put in jeopardy. I can’t be that selfish no matter how badly I want to be.
“I have to,” I sniff as my eyes begin to well. I can’t let him see me cry. If he sees how much this is hurting he’ll never leave. I take another step back, a step too far. He’s unable to hold on any longer, and I watch as Ryder’s arm falls limply to his side.
“Goodbye,” I mouth as I continue walking back towards the house. I can’t speak. My voice will betray me.
He stands alone, bare-chested on the grass and watches as I walk away. Away from him. Away from us. Away from what we could have been.
Sorrow fills the air as I turn my back and walk the rest of the way towards the house. I quickly reach the open doorway, but before stepping over the threshold I turn and take one last look. Ryder remains fixed to his spot, fists clenched into tight balls. His eyes have turned black once again and his face is contorted with anger and heartbreak. Large black wings spring silently from his back stretching out wide at either side. Looking at him in all his dark glory my heart begins to race. Taking one final look at me, Ryder looks up to the dark sky, bends his knees slightly and jumps. Immediately he’s up in the air and gone, disappearing into the night.
Tears fall freely down my face soaking the top of my nightdress again. I look across to the bench we sat on and can see he’s left his t-shirt behind. I run over and grab the damp top. Lifting it towards me, I bury my face in the soft dark material. It smells of him, of his cologne. I inhale deeply closing my eyes. I’m immediately transported back to the memory of our first kiss. Of feeling his soft cool lips against mine. All I have now are memories. I lower the t-shirt and clutch it next to my chest. Walking back to the house I let the tears continue to flow. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all … but I disagree. I wish I was never born with the ability to love, my heart has caused me nothing but problems and pain all my life.
Chapter Twelve
I wake up from another restless night’s sleep to the afternoon sun beaming through the windows, stinging my eyes.
When did the sun get so bright? I think to myself.
Rolling over the clock on the nightstand reads that it’s just gone past noon.
“Urgh!” I say out loud while dragging myself out of bed and walk towards the big bay window. My eyes feel puffy from crying, and my hair still feels a little damp from the rain. Grasping the edge of each curtain, I look down and into the back garden. My eyes are immediately drawn to the spot where Ryder held me in his arms and kissed me. Bringing my hand up, I gently touch my lips with my fingertips and smile. I lose myself in the memory of how amazing it felt to finally feel his lips on mine. To finally know that after all this time, he felt the same for me as I did for him.
The smile remains in place as my eyes trail across the garden to the spot where he bared his soul. He didn’t hesitate in being completely honest and open, telling me all his secrets and about the arrangement he’s trapped in. I resist for as long as I can when reluctantly I look at the spot in the garden where my heart broke in two. My eyes begin to well as I stare at the spot where
he upped and left, the same place where I said goodbye to him forever.
Closing the curtains I turn away and stumble back to bed. The cotton sheets are a mess of twists and tangles. Staring at the sheets I realise how ironic it is that my place of sleep is as messed up as my mind. No wonder I feel so overwhelmingly tired. How am I ever meant to rest with the thoughts I have playing on repeat. Settling in between the sheets, I close my eyes and let my mind drift off with memories of Ryder and me together. It doesn’t take long for sleep to take over.
~
When I wake for the second time, it’s to the sound of banging on the front door. My bedroom is in complete darkness.
How long have I slept for? I think to myself.
I look at the clock on the nightstand and it reads 19:12.
“What the fuck!” I say out loud, as another round of banging thrums on the front door.
I dive out of bed reaching for a dressing gown. Wrapping it around me, I rush my way down the stairs and grab the keys from their hook. I unlock and open the door just as Travis raises his fist ready to bang on the door again.
“Where’s the fire, Travis?” I ask more annoyed than I intended. I’d forgot Travis comes round each evening.
He frowns back at me. “What?”
“I said, where’s the fire? You know, as in what’s all banging about?” I question folding my arms across my chest.
He runs a hand through his thick blonde hair. “I’ve been knocking on your door for ages Willow. When you weren’t answering I started to get worried,” he replies concerned.
“I was asleep,” I reply bluntly. I can’t help snapping at him. I’m still hurting from everything that happened last night.
“Asleep? But it’s not even seven-thirty yet,” he says while looking at his watch on his wrist. “Be careful Willow, you’re getting old before your time having such an early night,” he says with a wide grin.
