“Of course. I haven’t been to the aquarium in years. I can’t wait.” She glanced down at her watch then took a step back. “I really do have to study. I’ll see you later okay?”
“Yeah.”
After she left I walked over to the fountain and sank down on the bench in front of it. If a meteor came crashing down on me I deserved it. I’d just lied to the one person in my life that meant more than anything to me. And now I could never tell her how I felt, if she ever found out I’d lied to her she’d never forgive me.
Seventeen
Gabi
My façade had shattered as soon as I turned away from Jay and the tears hadn’t stopped falling since. I sat in my dorm with my knees pulled up to my chin, his words reverberating in my head. I don’t know why I expected different. Jay wasn’t all of a sudden going to proclaim his undying love for me. I was his friend, his home girl, nothing more.
Admitting that, even in thought, set off another round of sobs.
Cam walked in giggling at someone on the phone and not paying me an ounce of attention.
I wiped my tears away but more took their place. When I sniffed Cam finally looked up at me.
She hung up on whoever was on the phone without a goodbye and came and sat next to me on the bed. “What’s the matter?”
Why was it when people asked that question it always made you cry harder? I laid my head in her lap and tried to get my sobbing under control, while she stroked my hair, waiting patiently for me to speak.
“Jay doesn’t love me. At least not the way I want him to.”
“I doubt that.” She handed me the tissue box from my nightstand.
“He said it himself, Cam.” I sat up and wiped at my tears again. “He didn’t mean to kiss me. He was drunk when it happened. That’s all I am to him, a drunken mistake.”
“No offense sweetie, but if you believe that you’re dumber than he is.”
I released a bitter chuckle and shook my head. “What’s not to believe? Look around. Do you see him? No. Because he’s with her.”
“But–”
“No buts, it’s over. He doesn’t want me.”
She patted my knee and pulled me into a hug. “I’ll let it go for now because you’re upset, but if you were on the outside looking in, you’d be over there fighting for what’s yours. I don’t know why Jay said such an awful thing, but I know he loves you.”
I pulled away and laid down on my bed, hugging my pillow to my chest as I sunk into the next stage if grieving, numbness. It engulfed me in its hold, bringing with it a feeling I wished could last forever, nothing.
Cam rubbed my shoulder, a deep frown creasing her small face. “You want me to kick his ass?”
The thought crossed my mind for a brief moment, but it wouldn’t solve anything “No, I just want to be alone.”
She hesitated, smoothing down my hair once more before leaning over to kiss my forehead. “I’m here if you need me, sweetie.”
I shifted in bed to stare at the ceiling, Haikeem invading my mind, or his words rather. Jay had successfully stolen my joy, he’d stolen everything. My heart, my soul, even my breath. I was an empty shell, void of anything resembling life. What was worst, as much as I hated him in this moment, I missed my best friend. When I was sad he was the person I went running to, but how could I when he was the cause?
I buried my head under my blanket and sobbed until my chest felt like it would cave in.
The sound of my ring tone pulled me out of my slumber. I wasn’t in the mood to even be a person, let alone socialize with people, but I recognized the tone as my dad’s and it’d been a while since we’d spoken. I rolled over to answer it, noting Cam sitting at her desk instead of out like usual. Knowing she’d done it for me, I allowed myself a tiny smile.
I picked up my phone and pulled my blanket back over my head, shivering. “Hi Daddy.”
“Hey there, Sweet Pea. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, just school. You know, boring stuff.”
He chuckled, the sound lifted my spirit a tad. “Boring? I’m paying all that money in tuition for you to be bored?”
“Okay, not boring, just normal stuff.”
“Uh huh. So, how you doing baby girl?”
“Fine.”
He was silent for a beat. My dad despised one word answers, it drove him crazy. “You don’t sound fine...have you been crying?”
Now it was my turn to be silent. It was creepy how he did that. No matter how well I tried to hide it, my dad could always tell when I was down, even if I’d been crying. But through the phone? “No.”
“Gabi.”
“I’m fine, Dad.”
“Do I need to come up there and kick someone’s ass?”
“No.” I thought of something to add before he got frustrated with my short answers. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course you can, knuckle head.”
“How do I know if...” I hesitated, unsure of how to broach the subject. We were close but I’d never confided in him about matters of the heart. “If a man loves me?”
“A man?”
I yanked the phone from my ear, wincing from the sudden rise in his voice.
He continued to rant while I rolled my eyes. “What man? You should be focusing on your school work, not thinking about love or men for that matter. I knew I shouldn’t have let you go away for college. I’m gonna have to kill someone, I know it.” He sighed and I just knew he was pacing and shaking his head like he always did when he was frustrated.
I almost laughed at the notion that he could’ve actually kept me from leaving. I was a strong willed child, if I wanted to do something, I did it. My dad would protest, but one bat of my eye lashes and I had him. I loved being a daddy’s girl. “Are you done?”
“No.” The line was silent for twenty seconds. “Yes. Sweet Pea, what’s this all about? What man?”
“Nobody, I’m just curious.”
“Gabrielle.”
I’d almost forgotten the effect he had on me, too. While I had the ability to bend his will, there were a few things he would not be moved on. Boys, and I suppose men now, were one of them.
I didn’t answer right away, his silent fathering weighed down on me. I could just hang up and pretend my phone died. Sighing, I freed myself from my cocoon and came clean. “Jayson.”
My dad was the only person besides Cam to whom I’d revealed my feelings for Jay, which had been completely by accident. Shortly after we’d moved to Chicago, I’d left my journal open on the kitchen table while I’d gone to the bathroom and my dad had discovered Gabrielle Naomi Adams scribbled across the page a hundred times. I’d had no choice but to come clean when he’d given me ‘the dad look’.
“Is that why you sound like the life’s been sucked out of you? Did something happen?”
“No, dad. I’m just confused is all. Sometimes it seems like he likes me as more than a friend, and sometimes...” He kisses other girls. In truth I had no right to be angry with him for kissing Brooke, she was his girlfriend after all. I was the one making out with her boyfriend behind her back.
My dad sighed into the phone. “I’m no love expert, honey.”
“But you and mom have been together for twenty years, you have to know something. How’d you show her you loved her?”
The line was silent for so long I thought we’d lost the connection until he spoke. “Well, if he’s too big of an idiot to come right out and say it, there’s a few ways to tell.” He cleared his throat before continuing “If he goes out of his way to make you feel special. Drops everything and comes running when you’re sick or hurt. He accepts you regardless of your flaws, embraces them even. Tells you how beautiful you are even you both know you’re looking a hot mess.” He laughed at his own corniness. “I think the most important one though, is the way he looks at you. Like no one else exists. Studies you when you talk, like what you’re saying is the most important thing in the world. Or stares into your eyes, like if he searches
hard enough he’ll see your soul.”
I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye and smiled. “Wow dad. I didn’t know you were such a romantic.”
His laughter filtered through the phone. “Well, I guess I’m speaking from experience.”
“Aww, with mom? That’s so sweet.”
His laughter died and he cleared his throat. “Since you mentioned your mom, when’s the last time you talked to her?”
“Last week, and I won’t be doing it again any time soon. She’s so mean to me dad. Why does she hate me?”
“Your mom doesn’t hate you, sweetheart. She’s just never been too good at showing affection. I’ll talk to her of you want.”
“Don’t bother. I’m done trying.” My parents didn’t have talks, they had fights. I wasn’t going to cause one.
“You two need to sit down and hash things out. She’s your mom.”
“And I’m her daughter. But she doesn’t act like it.”
He sighed heavily but didn’t respond. There was a loud thud on his end followed by a female voice. “I have to get going sweetheart. I’ll talk to you soon. Call your mother.”
No. “Okay daddy. I love you.”
“Love you too, Sweet Pea.”
After we hung up I lay there thinking about all the things my dad had said. Jay treated me special but he’d always done so, even when we were kids. He also accepted my flaws, but then again, Jay didn’t judge anyone. I covered my face with a pillow and groaned. My dad’s advice had only left me more confused. How was I supposed to know how Jay looked at me? If he loved me wouldn’t he be here right now instead of with her?
~ ♥ ~
Jay and I ran side by side with a heavy silence hanging over us. I hadn’t wanted to see him yet, had even ignored his call, but then he’d shown up at my dorm at five a.m. with those stupid puppy dog eyes.
A thick fog surrounded us, which seemed to chill the air more than it already was. We hadn’t been moving long so my body hadn’t had a chance to build up any heat. I just wanted to be back in my bed.
We’d just made it to the gravel area of the running trail when something slid beneath my foot and I fell forward. I caught myself with my hands, but my knees still scraped against the ground.
Jay skidded to a stop and squatted down in front of me. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just dandy.” I turned and sat on my butt to examine the damage. My hands only had a couple of scrapes but both of my knees stung and a bit of blood seeped through my sweatpants.
“Come on, I’ll take you back to my dorm to get cleaned up.” He slid his arm beneath my bent knees and scooped me up like a rag doll.
I struggled, trying to get down. “I’m fine. It’s just a skinned knee, I can walk.”
“No, you’re hurt. I got you.”
I continued to fight against his hold. “Put me down.” I didn’t want to be in his arms. I didn’t want him touching me. I wanted to hate him. Why couldn’t I just hate him?
He held me tighter and I fought harder until he gave up and deposited me onto the damp sand.
I fell to the ground in a heap of tears. I was a mess. I wasn’t supposed to cry in front of him. He wasn’t supposed to see how much his rejection had affected me. When he sat down and tried to touch me I scooted away. “Don’t.”
“Gabi.”
I stared down at the sand, not bothering to wipe my tears at this point. “We shouldn’t hang out for a while. I think we need some separation.”
“Gabi, no.”
“Jay–”
“No.” He pulled me onto his lap and held me against his chest. “You can’t leave me. You promised.” His voice broke and he buried his face in my hair. “I know I have no right to it after I broke mine, but please, please don’t go. I need you.”
“JJ.” I sobbed against his chest. I didn’t want to let go but it hurt too bad to hold on. At the same time I didn’t want to hold on. I wanted to close off my heart to him. Lock him out forever, but my soul would not allow it. He was my weakness.
“Please, Little Red, I can’t lose you again. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me.”
The rawness in my throat burned as I swallowed and nodded against his chest. “Okay.”
Sniffling, he gathered me into his arms and started to head toward the dorms with me clinging to him. My heart was being ground to a pulp and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
Eighteen
Jay
She was slipping away. Each day that passed, a little more light faded from her eyes. The thread of our friendship was on the brink of snapping. Only one tiny strand remained and the edges were frayed. The way she looked at me was even changing. Gone was the smile that would grace me upon entering a room. She didn’t hug me anymore, she flinched whenever I went to touch her, and I couldn’t pay her to look me in the eye.
In a few short days I’d tarnished everything that was precious to me. At least I no longer had to wonder how she felt. It was clear that just being around me was killing her. I should’ve just let her go, but no, I had to be a selfish bastard yet again, and beg her to stay.
Staring up at the inky blackness of my ceiling, I bit down on my bottom lip, trying in vain to keep my tears at bay. I’d screwed up everything, was on my way into fatherhood, and losing the love of my life all in one go. I didn’t want to imagine her anywhere that wasn’t by my side. Losing her for three years was bad enough, an eternity would kill me.
But that’s the thing about love, I’d risk my soul to allow her to keep breathing. She deserved happiness. With me that would never be possible. Not with Brooke in the picture. Sure people co-parented, but things with Brooke were far from civil, and I refused to put Gabi through that hell.
Fifteen. The number of hours until our day at the aquarium. I’d considered cancelling, but I wanted her last memory of me to be a happy one.
My chest burned thinking of all the things I was losing. Her raspy laugh. Her soft hair tickling my face when I hugged her close. The way she chewed her bottom lip when something confused her. Things some other guy would get to cherish. Maybe Haikeem. She always seemed happy with him.
In the few weeks they’d dated he’d put me to shame. Maybe that’s why I despised the guy so much. Where I broke promises, he took her on fancy picnics and defended her against assholes like me. Yeah, she deserved someone like that.
Me...I deserved everything that was coming to me.
I felt around the bed for my phone and hit a random button to light up the screen. Gabi’s smiling face stared back at me. Tracing the curve of her jaw, I memorized every part of her. I was gonna miss my Little Red.
Keys jingled outside the door and a second later Benji stumbled in. He flipped on the overhead light, damn near blinding me.
I covered my eyes with my arm to block it. “Man, turn that shit off.”
I heard him moving around the room then the lamp clicked on. I waited a few seconds to expose my irises to the semi-darkened room.
Benji sat on his bed frowning at me. “What are you doing in bed so early on a Friday? It’s not even ten o’clock.”
Turning my gaze back to the ceiling, I shrugged. “I got a lot on my mind.” That was the only information I’d divulge. The mood I was in I was bound curse him out if I had to listen to his smart ass comments. Especially if he found out about Brooke.
“You talk to Gabi?”
My mouth stayed shut, but apparently he didn’t get the message because he kept talking. “The way you’re pouting I’m gonna take a wild guess that you either haven’t, or I didn’t go well?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and blew out a heavy breath. “Not now, Benj.”
“Then when? Ignoring it won’t make it disappear, ain’t that what you’re always telling me?”
I turned my back on him, staring out the window at the moon. “Just let it go.”
He smacked his lips, the bed squeaking as he moved around. “Well fuck you too then. Last time I try to help.”
The jing
le of his keys told me he was leaving again. I didn’t care, the contempt I felt for myself would keep me company.
I woke to sunlight peeking through the blinds, taunting me with its glory while a dark cloud hung over my head. I was drifting off again when a baritone voice caused me to jump. He didn’t... I cast a cautious glance over my shoulder and spotted my father sitting at my desk. Benji sat on the edge of his bed nodding to whatever my father had said.
Without making any sudden movements, I returned to my position, hoping they hadn’t noticed.
“Get up.”
Shit.
I swung my feet over the bed then stood to stretch out the stiffness in my back. Glancing at the clock caused my chest to tighten. Four more hours.
My dad’s eyes appraised me. He had that look on his face, the one that said a lecture was coming.
“Sup, Pops.”
“Don’t ‘Sup’ me. Sit down.” He fixed me with a glare and crossed his arms. “Now what’d you do to Gabi? And don’t lie.”
“Sh-she called you?”
“No, Benjamin did. Woke me up last night with some pretty disturbing news, something about you making Gabi cry?”
I snarled at Benji, clenching my fists to let him know once Pops left he was a dead man. Then looked back at my father, whose expression hadn’t changed. “You know I’m your child right?”
“So is she. Talk.”
I bowed my head, resting my arms on my knees. “I messed up, Pops. It’s bad.” My gaze burrowed into the carpet. Once I told him, I’d be the dead man, or at least short a limb.
“Continue.”
I kept my gaze down. The disappointment I’d see in his eyes was too much. “Brooke’s pregnant.”
Benji called me every type of dumbass, but my father remained silent.
The slap was so loud it made my ears ring. I clutched at the back of my neck and glared at Benji who found the situation hilarious. I hadn’t gotten one of those since I was thirteen, the day I met Gabi, the day we fought. My dad had gotten on me for hitting a girl.
Excuse Me, First Love (College Daze #1) Page 17
