When I finished Jay surprised me by hugging me for the first time in two days. “That was beautiful, baby. She really loved you.”
“I loved her, too.”
Mr. Adams walked onto the stage next and cleared his throat before speaking. I couldn’t begin to imagine what he was going through. To lose someone you loved so completely. I squeezed Jay’s hand then focused my attention on what Mr. Adams was saying.
“Nicolette was and will forever remain the love of my life. From the moment I laid eyes on her I knew she’d be my wife. She on the other hand wasn’t having it, and I couldn’t blame her. I wasn’t a good man when we met, but Nikki being who she was, never tried to change me. She didn’t have to. Just being around her made me want to be a better person. It took some time and she fought me every step of the way, but eventually she allowed me into her heart.
“I have cherished every moment with her, both good and bad, because I knew all we needed were each other to make it through. Nicolette baby, I love you. I always have and I always will.”
When he finished there wasn’t a dry eye in the room.
A few other people took their turns before the emcee announced ‘A Song for Mama’, to be performed by Jayson.
Jay took the stage as the music started up. I hadn’t heard him sing since a talent show in high school, where all the girls had gone crazy when he’d sang ‘Incomplete’ by Sisqo and stolen the show.
I smiled as he belted out the lyrics. His voice was beautiful and so was the message to his mom.
He closed his eyes as he sang about loving his mama. A tear broke free and cascaded down his cheek, followed by several more. Soon his face was soaked, but he continued on about her giving him strength to go on and how she was the queen of his heart. His voice broke when he reached the middle of the bridge and he dropped to his knees. The mic fell from his hand, sending a loud screech through the room.
I raced to him and kneeled on the floor, wrapping him in my arms while he sobbed on my shoulder.
He clung to me, his body shaking as he tried to regain his composure. “She’s gone.”
I rubbed his back and squeezed him as tight as my arms would allow. “I know, baby. I know.”
Thirty
Jay
I rested my head on Gabi’s lap as we rode back to the house. My dad sat across from me along with a couple of my uncle’s from my mother’s side. The remembrance had ended soon after I’d broken down on stage. I’d tried to hold it together, didn’t want to accept it. Mourning made it real. She was gone. I closed my eyes as another round of tears threatened to spill and swallowed down the sob fighting to get out. I just wanted to sleep for a few hours. Hell, a few weeks. However long it took for the pain to stop.
Once we made it to the house I headed to get a bottle of water. I’d been surviving on it alone for the past few days.
When I entered the kitchen my fists clenched at my sides. Benji sat at the table with a bottle of vodka, or what remained of it, and a shot glass.
The sight caused me blood boil beneath my skin. Benji was known for his selfish moments but this took the cake. “So this is why you missed my mom’s funeral? To stay here and get drunk. What the hell is wrong with you Benji?”
He poured himself another shot, not bothering to even look at me. “Fuck off, Jay.”
I shook my head at him. “After everything she did for you, stepping in as your mother when your own abandoned you. You oughta be ashamed of yourself.”
He slammed his glass down, sloshing the contents on the table, and then stood so we were eye to eye. His were bloodshot. “I said fuck off. I’m not in the mood for perfect Jayson, and his perfect life.”
“Perfect? My mother is dead. Our mother.”
He shoved me back, a demonic scowl taking over his face. “She was NOT my mother.” He pointed behind me. “He’s not my father.” He shoved me again. “And you,” shove. “Are not,” shove. “My brother!”
My back hit the wall with a thud. By now all eyes were on us. “After everything we’ve been through, this is how it’s gonna be?”
His mouth twisted into a sick grin. “That’s the thing Jay, you ain’t been through shit. The worst thing to happen in your life was your mom getting sick, and even that didn’t happen to you, it happened to her. You’re still Mr. Perfect. Jay’s our star runner, let’s give him a full ride. Jay’s so smart, let’s put him on the Dean’s list. And to top it all off, let’s just throw in his dream girl for good measure.” He took the shot he’d left on the table and downed it. “Don’t stand there and try to tell me what you’ve been through, because if we compare battle scars, I guarantee you, I’ll win.” He grabbed the half empty bottle of vodka and headed for the back door.
“If you leave, I won’t come chasing after you this time.”
He stopped but didn’t turn around. “No one’s asking you to.”
“I mean it, Benj. You walk out that door, I’m done. Don’t expect me to be there to catch you when you fall.”
“I won’t.” With that, he marched the rest of the way out the door and slammed it behind him.
I turned to find my father staring me down. I thought he’d say something about Benji and me fighting. Instead he just shook his head and stalked toward the basement.
I snatched open the fridge and grabbed some water before slamming it shut again. I guzzled half if it then turned to make my way upstairs while yanking at my tie.
Gabi followed me into my bedroom then shut the door behind us.
Continuing to pull at the noose around my heck, I plopped down on the bed. “Can you believe him? My mother was nothing but good to Benji, and this is how he returns the favor? By not even showing up to pay his respects? By getting drunk?”
Gabi stood in front of me and loosened my tie. “People handle death in different ways. Maybe that’s the only way he could cope.”
“He’s a drunken asshole, Gabi. I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. But there’s only so much he can blame on a fucked up childhood before he has to take responsibility for his own actions.”
She said nothing as she pulled the tie off and started to unbutton my shirt.
I sat there while she stripped me down to my boxers then told me to lie on my stomach. I followed her orders then closed my eyes. A moment later the bed shifted and her bare breasts pressed against my back.
She pulled the blanket over us and kissed my temple. A familiar tune drifted into my ear and I lifted my head slightly to look at her.
She smiled while stroking the side if my face. “Your mom told me. She said she used to hum it to you when you were little whenever you were sad or sick, or had nightmares. If you don’t want me to I’ll–”
“You can.” I laid my head back down and closed my eyes, listening to her hum the melody of Black Butterfly.
She laid her face on mine with her lips near my ear and lulled me to sleep with her soft voice. It was different from my mom’s, but still comforting.
I woke to the smell of food, Sylvia’s Fish Grille to be exact. I’d know that smell anywhere. My stomach grumbled, reminding me of the hunger pangs I’d been trying to ignore.
Glancing at the clock, I saw that it was past midnight.
I rolled over on my side and watched Gabi shovel a heaping spoonful of mac & cheese into her mouth.
She smiled and wiped some cheese from her lip. “Hey, sleepy head.”
“Hey. How’d you get to Sylvia’s?” It was a good distance away, further north.
She lifted my car keys and jingled them with a big grin on her face.
I raised a brow at her. “You drove my car?”
“Yeah, I drove your baby.”
“You’re my baby.”
She leaned down and pecked my lips. “I wanted to get you some dinner. I know Sylvia’s is your favorite but you never get to have it because it’s so far from campus.”
I took her hand and brought it to my lips. “You’re the best.”
She offered me
a bite of her macaroni but I shook my head. “Maybe later.”
“JJ, you have to eat something. It’s been two days. I’m surprised you haven’t fainted.”
“I just don’t have an appetite, babe.”
She took a potato wedge from her tray and held it out to me. “Please. For your strawberry?” She poked her lip out and flashed those big brown eyes at me knowing I couldn’t resist her.
I opened my mouth and let her feed me the potato. A mixture of garlic and cayenne washed offer my tongue and I damn near salivated. It’d been months since I had Sylvia’s Cajun potatoes. They were still the bomb dot com.
I sat up with my back against the headboard and reached for another.
She grinned and handed me my own tray.
My appetite was bigger than I’d thought. I scarfed down my entire tray in less than ten minutes then guzzled down my drink. Once done I leaned back rubbing my stomach and staring at my love. I definitely had to marry this girl. “I think I was too hard on Benji.”
She looked up from her food, searching my face. “Yeah?”
I nodded. “I was in a bad place, still am. But I should’ve handled the situation better. I know how he gets. He has a hard time dealing with emotions. Always has. He’s my brother and I should’ve been there for him instead of pushing him away. Now because of me he’s out there somewhere, doing God knows what. If something happens to him, it’s on me.” I sniffled and closed my eyes a second. “I can’t lose him too, Gabi.”
She crawled over and sat on my lap, wrapping me in her arms. “You won’t, JJ. We can go look for him if you want.”
“I wouldn’t even know where to begin. He doesn’t tell me anything anymore. Not since I betrayed his trust and called Pops on him.” I ran a palm over my scalp and shook my head. “I suck at being a brother.”
~ ♥ ~
I hung up my phone and tossed it on the sofa next to me. Gabi and I had visited as many bars and strip clubs as we could within a five-mile radius. I’d called and texted him nonstop for hours and gotten no response. It was nearing four a.m. and there was no sign of him.
I lay my head back, nursing the pain in my chest. The past seventy-two hours had taken its toll. A piece of me had drifted into the wind a long with my mom’s ashes. Another had walked out the back door, possibly lost forever. A third had locked himself in the basement hours ago and had yet to resurface. The fourth and final piece lay draped across my lap fast asleep.
My fingers stroked Gabi’s hair absentmindedly. I’d thought things were finally right now that she was mine, but now my world was crumbling around me. I replayed Benji’s words again and again. Was he right? Had my life been too perfect? Was that why the metaphorical rug was being pulled out from under me now?
Growing up I’d never wanted for anything. For as long as I can remember we’d lived in the big house with the white picket fence. With my mom being a nurse and Pops’ fighting career and him eventually becoming an Electrical Engineer there was always a fridge full of food. I always had nice clothes, electronics, and anything else they spoiled me with. But most importantly I had their love. Not a day went by without them making it known that I was loved.
When Benj had moved in they’d never shown a difference in us, but I think by the time they stepped in it was too late. He was too far gone to recognize what it felt like to be cared for. I’d watched him struggle to stay above water for a long time, telling myself I was doing all I could to keep him from drowning. But had I really? Could I have done more to save my brother from the dark path he was lost on?
I thought back to the first time he’d gotten drunk. We were fifteen. While I didn’t encourage it, I did nothing to stop it either. Had even kept it from my parents who could’ve gotten him help long ago. It would’ve never gotten this bad. And now, just like his mom, I’d abandoned him.
Sleep eluded me as I sat waiting for the call I knew would come. I was Benji’s emergency contact, and soon my phone would ring and someone would say those dreaded words. My brother was dead.
Thirty - One
Gabi
Jay’s eyes raked over me as I pulled on my jeans. He liked watching me get dressed, said it was almost as sexy as me undressing.
I enjoyed his attention and was happy to see that my JJ seemed to finally be getting back to normal, as much as possible anyway. He’d had me worried for a while. Especially after Benji’s disappearance. Three weeks had passed and still no word. We’d all come to accept that he didn’t want to be found. For Jay’s sake and sanity, I prayed Benji was okay.
Once I’d finished putting on my clothes, I leaned over Jay on the bed and kissed his lips. “See you later, handsome.”
While heading to my first class my phone buzzed with a text from Kas.
Kas: Momster & Dad 4 o’clock
I sent him a quick thanks then put my phone away. My parents had been trying to visit me since the funeral but I still refused to speak to them. Kas, being an awesome brother, had been giving me warnings when they were on their way here so I could avoid them.
I wasn’t sure why my mom kept coming. It wasn’t like she’d had some miraculous change of heart and decided to love me.
“Gabrielle.”
I froze at the sound of my Dad’s voice and turned to my right. What the hell, Kas? My mom and dad crossed the courtyard headed my way while I calculated the distance to the building my class was in. If I bolted now I could make it. But with my luck I’d slip on a patch of ice and break my butt.
I stood with my arms folded and waited for them to close the gap. Glancing over at ‘Momster’, I shook my head. As always she looked like she had better places to be, so I turned my attention back to my dad. “What are you doing here, Daddy?”
He mimicked my stance, crossed his arms and standing over me. “Did you think I wouldn’t catch on to you and Kasper’s little game?”
Well, it only took you three weeks.
I blew out a heavy breath and adjusted my bag on my shoulder. “Can this wait? I have class in a few minutes.”
“No, it can’t wait. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for weeks. I’ve given you time and space. Don’t you think it’s about time you acted like an adult so we could sit down and discuss things?”
“Discuss what, Dad? The fact that you lied to me my whole life? Because I think we have that part covered.” Though I’d tried convincing myself I was okay with the whole thing: Roslyn not being my mom and my dad being a huge liar, part of me still craved that love. The other still couldn’t get over the fact that they’d hidden the truth for so long.
“Gabi–”
“No, Dad. I do not want to talk to you! And I don’t even know why she’s here.”
Roslyn stood beside my dad with her hands in her pockets. “Gabrielle, I’m sorry for the way you found out–”
“No you aren’t. If you’d were you wouldn’t have been so cruel in telling me and you would’ve done so long before now.”
“I wanted to tell you years ago,” She glanced at my dad and frowned. “but it was never the ‘right time’. ”
“Bull shit.”
Her body stiffened and her eyes widened. “Watch your language. I may not have given birth to you, but you will respect me.”
“Oh, now you want to parent?”
She fisted her hands on her hips and stepped closer. “Grow up, Gabrielle. I know I wasn’t the best mother to you. But I was never hard on you to be mean, it was because you needed it. With your father giving in to your every whim simply because you reminded him of her, you needed a tough parent so I became that. And don’t you stand there and tell me I never tried. You have fought me every step of the way. I try to bond over shopping, you’d rather go to the game with your father. I try to teach you the catering business and you’d rather play sports. I buy you nice clothes, but you’d rather dress in rags.”
“So that’s what it is? Since I don’t want to be your clone, you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you, Gab
rielle.”
“Well you sure as hell don’t love me.”
“Gabrielle–”
“I’m late for class.” I stepped past them and hurried to the class I was now ten minutes late for.
She had some nerve acting as if it were my fault she was a bad mother. Excuse me for having a personality and thoughts of my own. And to try make herself out as the good guy was just low. How dare she insinuate that her cruelty had been for my benefit. What had she expected me to gain from being made to feel subpar? Empathy?
I leaned against the wall outside my class and massaged my temples. There was no way I could sit through Professor Forrester’s boring lecture with my growing migraine. Pulling out my phone, I texted Jay to see if he wanted to take a free day with me.
Fifteen minutes later Jay greeted me with a kiss after I’d climbed into his car. “Hey, bad girl.”
I stuck my tongue out at him. “Am not.”
“Really? Because I recall you being the one to talk me into skipping class back in high school, too. And everyone thought you were so innocent.”
“I was innocent, still am. I’m an angel.”
He looked at me from the corner of his eye and smirked. “Uh huh.”
We drove a few minutes then stopped at a red light. “So why the one eighty?” he asked. “You were fine when you left for class. What happened?”
I chewed my lip and stared out the window at the cars crossing the intersection. “Dad and mommy dearest finally caught up with me.”
“Oh? Did you talk to them?”
“Not really. It’s more like I yelled, and then my mom yelled, and my dad just stood there. Can you believe Roslyn tried to make it seem like she was doing me a favor by being a bitch to me?”
He glanced over at me and frowned. “Don’t call her that. She’s your mom.”
I reared back, knowing I had to have heard him wrong. “Excuse me? That woman is not my mother.”
“Maybe not by blood, but she raised you.”
Excuse Me, First Love (College Daze #1) Page 27
