Before I could talk myself out of it, I tapped out a text, finally replying to Hyde after nearly two weeks of silence.
~ I’m free the rest of the weekend. I want to see you.
I left the ‘and hope it doesn’t blow up in my face’ off the end of the message, but I felt like it was pretty well implied.
Hyde
INITIALLY, WHEN I told Remy I wanted her and planned on asking her to spend the night with me, I hadn’t meant either of those things in a sexual context. However, after that impassioned kiss on the sidewalk, it seemed my body was two steps ahead of my brain and fully understood where those words would lead. When I told her I wanted her, I meant I wanted her back in my life in whatever form that took. When I told her I wanted to spend the night with her, I was thinking about the old days when she would show up at my bedroom window well after midnight and tap on the glass until I let her in. We spent many a night huddled together in the darkness, sharing secrets and fears. Once the lights went out and I didn’t have to face the unvarnished adoration in her pretty eyes, it was so much easier to get close to her. I liked to hold her when she fell asleep and the unearned adoration in her eyes was no longer visible. It felt more like a level playing field in the dark, and her stolen kisses weren’t nearly as terrifying when she couldn’t clearly view my reaction to them. Maybe if we spent time in the dark now that we were older, we could connect like we used to. We could get closer and maybe start to heal old hurts.
It never occurred to me that being alone with Remy at night would be dangerous to my self-control or that I would suddenly want to do all kinds of new and lecherous things to her. I wanted her back by my side, but I also wanted to take her to bed… or against the wall… or in the cab of my truck. My libido wasn’t very picky about the location, and my dick seemed to be very on board with the plan to fuck her in any and all ways imaginable. My mind was struggling to switch gears and see Remy as a highly desirable, deeply attractive woman, but the rest of me didn’t seem to have the same hesitation. Even my heart felt like it was racing full steam ahead. It pounded and throbbed heavily every time I thought of her and ached when I replayed our kiss.
All of me acknowledged that whether it was friendship or something more, no other person had ever had the impact on me that Remy Archer had. I turned my life upside down for her when I didn’t know any better, and now, I’d do it willingly if it meant I got to keep her around. It was a weird turn of events that I was ready to cling to her for security and stability. I was the one whose life felt like it was out of control, and Remy was the only one who made me feel like I could eventually get a handle on it. Truthfully, I admired the hell out of her. It took a lot of internal strength and guts to come back from something as serious as she had. It also took a lot of reflection and self-analysis to remind herself that she was more than a single, tragic event in her life. The fact that Remy loved herself enough to make sure she never put herself at risk like that again was enviable. I wanted to appreciate myself just a fraction of the way she did herself.
I should’ve learned that lesson from her long ago. No matter how hard I tried, or how many emotional barriers I erected, I still felt like a little kid whose mom left him behind. It was always hard for me to figure out why someone loved me when it felt like my own mother couldn’t, so I got caught up on that rather than appreciating the fact that I was, indeed, loved by so many. The last thing I wanted was for my daughter to struggle with the same fears and doubts I still subconsciously struggled with. It would kill me if she grew up questioning her worth, or if she deserved to be cared for or not. It was another big reason I wanted to bring Remy back around. No one loved bigger or more loudly than she did. No one cared more than she did. Both Hollyn and I could use a little bit of that uninhibited affection in our lives.
I didn’t think she was going to text me back.
I crossed a lot of invisible lines, which had always been drawn clearly between us, and I was pretty sure I scared her off. I still kept with the plan of keeping busy and getting out of the house each and every day to help Hollyn acclimate and to let Campbell get her on a schedule that worked best for all of us. I spent time with my dad at one of his remodels. I took my mom to lunch a couple times a week. I spent the day with my cousin Joss and her kids, and even let my Uncle Benny convince me to go out drinking one night. It was nice to reconnect with my family, but I still waited anxiously for Remy to respond. The two weeks on pins and needles made it clear that I needed to make some friends. I was terrible at socializing. I was awkward around strangers and often found myself searching for something to say. I was also burned by the last person I let get close to me, so obviously, I was hesitant to trust anyone again. But I couldn’t count on my family alone for entertainment and companionship. Remy really was my best friend, even when we weren’t talking. She was the only person I was comfortable being myself around, and the only one I didn’t struggle to connect to.
When she said she was free, I almost rushed to assure her that I didn’t mean anything inappropriate by my request. However, the truth was, I very much wanted to get inappropriate with her if she was willing.
I decided to let things play out however she wanted. Remy was always the type to call the shots, so I figured I’d follow her lead as long as it didn’t involve her freezing me out and ignoring me again. I told her I would take her to dinner, that we should go on a real date, but she shut me down almost immediately. Instead, she sent me directions to a trendy loft in LoDo and told me when to show up. I wasn’t expecting an invitation to her place; I also wasn’t expecting how difficult it was to leave my kid alone for the entire night. While I was slowly adapting to entrusting her care to Campbell when the sun was up, the evenings were just me and her. She filled up my nighttime hours with her sweet baby sounds and the rhythmic wailings of her temper tantrums. She was finally starting to sleep longer through the midnight hours, but I still found myself crashing into the recliner in her room more often than not. I wouldn’t have been able to drag myself away from her if the person waiting for me was anyone other than Remy. At some point, my daughter and my childhood friend had become equally important. I wanted to do my best to protect and care for them both.
The loft was very Remy. It had an industrial feel to it with lots of windows and metal. There was exposed brick throughout, and bright artwork decorated both the lobby and elevator. The floors were sealed concrete, which should’ve made everything feel cold and rough, but it didn’t. The whole building felt edgy and modern. The door to her unit was painted lime green, and when she opened it, I could see the interior of her place was just as bright and colorful. She waved me inside with a hand, looking questioningly at the flowers in my hand.
I practically shoved the sunflowers I bought for her in her direction as I let my gaze wander around the big, open space. The view of the mountains alone had to make this place outrageously expensive.
As if she was reading my mind, she looked at me over the top of the bouquet and informed me, “I’m leasing the loft from friends of the family. Actually, you probably know them. Quaid Jackson is friends with your mom, and Avett Walker worked for my dad for years. They bought a new place a couple years ago but kept this one as a rental. It just happened to be empty when I decided to stay in Denver, so I asked if I could rent it from them for a year. Avett has always been super cool and chill. I think she probably pressured Quaid to agree. She always tells me that I reminded her of herself when she was younger. Makes sense since my dad has always treated her like she was his own. She was practically part of my family when Zowen and I were growing up. Both he and Asa have a soft spot for her.”
Asa Cross was Rome’s business partner, and Remy and Zowen’s godfather. He didn’t live in Denver anymore, but his family was still very close with the Archers. I also recognized the name Quaid Jackson. He was an attorney like my mother, and the two often consulted on cases with each other. It seemed that all things in Denver could still be handled through someone connected by family or
close bonds of friendship. Both our parents had a solid network containing many different specialties and professions. There was little that couldn’t be accomplished if you just asked for help. That was probably one of the best things about being back home.
The other was standing in front of me, waiting for me to say something.
I nervously lifted a hand to the back of my neck and rubbed it awkwardly. “Do you want to order something for dinner? You should let me feed you. That was always part of the plan.” I didn’t want her to misunderstand that I was looking for a quick hookup and nothing more. I never wanted her to question how much I valued her.
Remy shook her head and moved to the long, mostly stainless steel kitchen that took up the entirety of one wall. She rummaged around, searching for something to put the flowers in, and told me, “I was going to make something, but then I realized I don’t know what you like.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up as I watched her move around with hungry eyes. “You can cook now?”
The Remy I remembered didn’t have the patience or coordination to be in the kitchen. She pretty much lived on ramen noodles and microwave bean burritos when her mom wasn’t available to cook dinner.
“I’ve been on my own for five years. I moved around a lot and worked a ton of different odd jobs. Wherever I ended up, there was always a café or pub hiring. I waited tables. I bartended. And I cooked on the line. I picked up a thing or two along the way.” She lifted a shoulder, and her t-shirt slid down her arm. It was oversized and appeared to be the only thing she was wearing. It was cute, but all her exposed skin was causing me to have a hard time following the conversation. “I was also really broke when I first started bouncing around. I couldn’t decide where I wanted to be or what to do with myself, so I barely scraped by. I lived lean for months at a time and learned how to feed myself on hardly any money.”
I frowned. I had no clue she was struggling so much after I left town. When I was in boot camp, I was so miserable, it never occurred to me that she was going to face her own fair share of hardships after I was gone. “I can eat anything. I spent enough time in the Army that I forgot how to be picky. You eat what’s available.”
She set the flowers on a counter that looked like it was made from part of a fallen tree. She rested her hands on the edge and asked, “Do you want me to make something?”
I was too anxious and wound up to eat. I was worried about making the wrong step and derailing any progress I’d made to get her to forgive me. And I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea about why I was here. Sure, I wouldn’t say no to sleeping with her, but her body was only part of what I was after. I wanted all of her to belong to all of me.
“I was asking you out on a date. You know that, don’t you? I thought maybe the reason you ignored me for two weeks was because you couldn’t figure out a way to turn me down.” I propped myself up on the other side of the wooden counter. Just like the rest of the loft, it looked and felt extremely expensive. “I’m trying to do right by you, Remy. I know I did a lot wrong in the past, but I don’t plan on making the same mistake twice.”
She didn’t say anything for a long time, just stared at me with those wild eyes. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, she cocked her head to the side and asked, “Why do you want to date me now? I used to beg you to take me on a date back when I thought the sun rose and set on you, but now I don’t know if I even like you, Hyde. I don’t know if I like who I am when I’m around you.”
I sighed and lowered my head so I could study the grain in the wood underneath my hands. “I like you. And the only time I’ve ever really liked who I am is when I’m with you.” I jerked my head up to meet her gaze and told her the truth. “But I’m working on that. I want to like myself all the time. I want Hollyn to love herself the way you do. You want to know what changed? The answer is easy—I’ve changed. Having a kid changed me. Being away from you changed me. Leaving my family behind changed me. The Army changed me. I want to be the kind of man who focuses on what he has and not one who can’t let go of what he lost. I want to be present and fully engaged with my daughter. I don’t want her to live consumed with the idea she was left behind like I was. I want her to have a better life, and to do that, I need to be a better man. I never agreed to go on a date with you back then because there were boys who had more to offer you all around. I didn’t want to hold you back, and I didn’t want to lose you. As passionately as you loved me, Remy, I was equally obsessed with what would happen if I gave into you and it went wrong. I didn’t want to hurt you. I still don’t. But I’m not as terrified of what might happen if I do anymore. I know how strong you are.”
She made a soft humming sound and narrowed her eyes a little bit. “You do understand there is no guarantee I’m always going to have it as together as I appear to have it now, don’t you? Who I was then and who I am now all inhabit the same body and mind. It isn’t one or the other. I’m always going to be a little bit too much and never be easy to handle.”
I leaned toward her, hating the big piece of polished wood that separated us. “I never asked for easy. All I asked for is you.”
She sucked in an audible breath, and her cheeks turned a rosy pink. I could practically see her weighing the pros and cons of giving me a chance to prove I wouldn’t bail on her again. I wanted to show her this time around I could take care of her and have her know all the way down to her bones she could trust me.
After another long stretch of contemplative silence, she finally spoke. “I can’t say with any certainty I want to date you, Hyde. I don’t know that I trust either one of us enough at the moment to agree to that. Not when you factor in Hollyn. But I will admit that after you kissed me back the other day, I want to see how things play out between us physically. I feel like I waited a lifetime for you to show any interest in me, and I don’t want to let the opportunity slip by.” She tilted her head again and flashed a playful grin. “Why don’t we call it friends with benefits for now, and if we don’t destroy each other, we can revisit what we’re doing down the road?”
I wanted to press for more, but if this was all she was willing to give, I would take it. After all, she’d always been persistent and unwavering in the way she loved me. Nothing ever scared her off or caused her to back down. The minimum I could do was care about her with the same unwavering intensity.
I just had to make sure that I made the benefits so good, she wouldn’t even think about—or be able to—walk away.
Remy
IT SEEMED LIKE dinner was off the table. However, a moment later, I was on it.
Hyde circled the fancy art piece of a tabletop and stepped in front of me. Without saying a word, he caged me between his arms and braced his much taller body with his hands on the raw edge of the wood. The way he stared down at me was intense and full of both anticipation and a heavy kind of longing I couldn’t fully decipher. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to figure out the best way to kiss me again, or if he was trying to see inside my head to see what I was really thinking about everything. I was glad he couldn’t see my thoughts because they were jumping around like excited ping-pong balls, delight and doom smashing into one another.
I lifted my hands and wrapped them around the back of his neck. The heat from his skin immediately sank into my fingertips, and the soft brush of his short hair tickled.
“We’ve only kissed one time for real. We might not even have any chemistry. We could be a really, really bad match in bed. We might end up as friends without benefits anyway.” I lifted my eyebrows and tilted my head, giving him a grin to let him know I was joking—sort of. All the times I kissed him when I was younger were real for me, even if he thought I was just playing around.
Hyde slid his hands closer to my hips and let his eyes rove over my face as if he was dissecting my every feature for a clue as to what he should do or say next. “It was one hell of a kiss, Remy. If that’s how things between us start, I can’t wait to see where they end.”
I used my nails
to lightly scratch his nape, and let out a breathy sound as he suddenly shifted, lifting me off the floor, so my ass was on the edge of the table. The t-shirt I had on was long enough to cover what needed to be covered, but in this new position, there was a lot of leg exposed, and Hyde was really close to finding out I didn’t have much on underneath.
I didn’t intentionally get dressed with seduction or benefits in mind, but if I was going to play with fire, I would make sure the flames were as hot as possible. And when the burn died down, all that would be left was ash and ruin. What girl didn’t like to dance in the destruction she created?
“I’ve kissed you a thousand times. The only thing special about that kiss was that you finally decided to kiss me back.” I wanted to tease him and ask him if he finally realized what he’d been missing, but the truth was, I learned a pretty important lesson from that kiss. It showed me very clearly that it didn’t matter how much I loved him or how badly I wanted him in the past; if the feelings weren’t returned, if the other person wasn’t fully engaged, all those feelings were worthless. There was definitely a difference between unrequited love and feelings that were reciprocated. If Hyde was interested all those years ago, he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from kissing me back, and just like now, that first kiss would’ve blown the door wide open to so much more.
It sucked. I couldn’t see through my fog of obsession back then. A twinge of guilt crept under my skin for all the times I tried to force him to feel about me the way I wanted him to. He put boundaries in place to protect both of us, and I blatantly ignored them time and time again. At the time, I couldn’t help myself because my brain was sending me dangerous messages I couldn’t ignore. I could recognize that now, but it didn’t excuse my problematic behavior. I could simply acknowledge the reason why I never knew when enough was enough. I literally could not help myself back then. This time around, I was the one with parameters in place to try and protect us. I couldn’t decide if I wanted Hyde to be like me and push against them, or if I wanted him to behave and play by the rules.
Prodigal Son: A Sexy Single Dad Romance: Book 2 in the Marked Men 2nd Generation Series (The Forever Marked Series) Page 13
