“Okay. Give her to me. I’ll put a cool washcloth on her to try and bring her temperature down. You get dressed and grab whatever she might need for a night in the hospital. I’ll call my aunt on the way to the ER to see if there’s anything she thinks we should do.”
I watched Hyde struggle to hand his obviously ill child over to someone else. The moment he gently placed the baby in my arms before rushing back into his bedroom, I knew he trusted me implicitly. There might be issues between us and adjustments that needed to be made as we tried to slot our lives together, but knowing he trusted me enough to take care of Hollyn in such a serious situation eased any of the last concerns or worries I had about the two of us attempting to build a life together.
I cuddled Hollyn close and walked over to the large sink. I grabbed a washcloth and got it wet with cool water. I murmured words that I thought would be soothing in a low voice, but they were all nonsense. I wasn’t sure if the sound was to make me or her feel better. The baby was burning up in my arms, and I was pretty sure the only reason she was no longer screaming and crying was because she didn’t have enough air to make any sound. I could see her small chest shuddering with each breath. The poor thing was clearly miserable. Her eyes were watery, and I felt like they were silently begging me for help as I tried to cool her down a little bit. I often joked about being a bad adult and not making a lot of grown-up decisions. I really thought I was unprepared for whatever being a responsible, reliable human required, but the truth was, it wasn’t about me. I gave no thought to what I was comfortable with or what I could and couldn’t do. All that mattered was making sure Hollyn was okay and taking care of Hyde, who was very obviously on the edge of an emotional cliff. I couldn’t waste time worrying about what I didn’t know and what I couldn’t do; there was only room for how I could help both of them. It was hands down the most centered and calm I’d ever been in my life.
A few moments later, Hyde rushed into the room with my phone in his shaking hand. He took Hollyn from me, then tossed me my phone and told me he would meet me at his truck so I could put pants on before we rushed to the hospital. I propped my phone against my shoulder after calling my aunt. I struggled into a pair of Hyde’s sweats. I rolled them up so I didn’t trip over them and folded them over so they didn’t fall down. They were the closest thing I could find, and I didn’t want to give up even a second on something as trivial as pants while we rushed out of the house.
I thought I would wake up my aunt, so I was slightly surprised when she answered my call as if it was any normal situation. She even sounded cheerful when she called out a bright, “Hello.”
“Aunt Shaw?” I couldn’t keep the surprise out of my voice. “I didn’t wake you up?”
“No. I’m on call tonight. I actually just got out of surgery. I have another procedure I’m heading over to observe shortly, so I don’t have much time to talk. But you rarely call me directly and never so late. Is everything okay?”
“Oh.” Of course, she was already working. I forgot that her hours were varied and how incredibly busy she was. There was more than one holiday the entire family had to celebrate without her because she was called away for an emergency. The entire Archer clan tended to take the fact we had a doctor in the family for granted but rarely put too much thought into all the sacrifices Shaw had to make to achieve all she had in her career. “Things are not okay. I mean, I’m okay.” I had to clarify before she worried or called my mom. “But something’s really wrong with Hollyn. She was crying like crazy, but now it sounds like she can’t breathe. She’s also burning up. Hyde is taking her to the emergency room right now. I just wanted to ask if you think there is anything we should do before we get her in to see a doctor.”
I felt the change in my aunt’s demeanor almost instantly. She went from being family to being a professional health care provider in an instant.
“She’s struggling to breathe?” Her tone was intense as she asked, “How high was her temperature?”
I smacked myself in the forehead with my free hand while shoving my feet into my shoes so I could run out the door. “We didn’t take it. She sounds bad. You can see how hard it is for her to breathe.”
“This is the time of year where we see a lot of RSV cases in infants. It can be pretty serious in normal babies, but for a baby who was born premature...” My aunt trailed off, and I could tell she didn’t want to speculate or give me any information that might make me panic. “Preemie babies’ lungs are often underdeveloped and very prone to illness. Hollyn is in a very high-risk category, which I’m sure Hyde is aware of. Get her here as quickly as possible, Remy.”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me and paused to grab a hoodie for Hyde as I rushed out of the house. I was sure he had no room for thoughts of his own comfort and well-being, so it was up to me to keep an eye on him for the moment.
“We’re on our way now.”
“Remy,” I paused at the serious sound of my name. “I don’t know how serious Hollyn’s current condition is, but there is a chance she may stop breathing on your way to the hospital. She is a little girl in a lot of danger. Do you know anything about infant CPR? Hopefully, it doesn’t get to that point, but you need to be prepared.”
I got to the truck and stopped with my hand on the door handle, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly inadequate. Of course I didn’t know anything about infant CPR. I didn’t even know regular CPR. What good was I going to do Hollyn if I didn’t even bother to learn the basics?
Instead of climbing into the big vehicle and taking a seat next to Hyde, I got in the smaller back seat of the cab and sat next to where Hollyn’s seat was strapped in the middle. She was whimpering softly and crying. It was heartbreaking to see the tears, but now she couldn’t make any sound to go with them.
Hyde turned his head to look at me, and I could see every line of his handsome face was marked with fear.
I pointed to my phone and told him, “Aunt Shaw says to hurry.” He nodded and immediately pulled out of the driveway. There was a tension in the truck cab that was suffocating. I wanted to wrap both Hyde and his daughter in my arms and protect them from whatever might happen next, but all I could do was give the baby a finger to hold as my aunt hurriedly walked me through how to save her life if she stopped breathing.
It was a terrifying thought. I was well versed in trying to save someone from themselves, like with Daire, or when Bowe suffered from self-doubt, or even with my brother and his painful, unrequited love. But I had no idea how to save a life. It was weighty to finally understand what Zowen had gone through when he found me on the verge of death all those years ago. I thanked my aunt for her help and told her I would keep her updated. Since she was already at the hospital, I was sure I would see her at some point after Hollyn was admitted. She might be busy, but she would always find time for family, and I knew she was invested in the little girl who’d been dealt a rough hand from the start.
“I learned basic CPR when I was in the Army.” Hyde’s deep voice sounded like his throat was lined with sandpaper. “Hope to God I don’t have to use those rudimentary skills tonight.”
“I should take a class or something. I don’t want to be useless in an emergency like this.” I cooed at Hollyn and rubbed my fingers over her fuzzy hair. She looked miserable, and her face was a mix of splotchy red and alarming white. She still felt hot to the touch, and she seemed to get weaker and weaker as each minute dragged on. I bent my head close to her chest and listened as she gasped and fought for each breath she pulled into her lungs.
“It doesn’t seem fair that one little girl should have to go through so much. Why doesn’t she get to catch a break? How do you stop yourself from wrapping her up in bubble wrap and making sure she’s protected from everything?” I sighed and belatedly realized I should probably text Daire and have her send a message to Campbell to let him know what was going on. He didn’t seem to be at the house when I showed up with the cake, but the guy moved like a shadow and came and went as he pl
eased when he wasn’t working. He seemed to genuinely care about Hollyn, and I knew he would worry if he came home to an empty house. Hyde’s parents also needed to know what was going on, so I also sent a message to my dad and asked him to fill in Zeb and Sayer. I knew involving my family meant they were all going to show up at the ER sooner or later.
If there was one thing all the Archers excelled at, it was showing up for each other when times were tough. We were always a united front against whatever tried to take us down. I knew they would be there to hold me up while I did my best to keep Hyde on his feet as he did everything in his power to save his daughter. For the first time in our very complicated and tumultuous relationship, I realized I could be his hero the way he had been mine. Maybe he needed me; we were on equal footing for once.
All of a sudden, Hollyn made a horrible gasping sound that echoed through the truck. The weak grip she had on my finger relaxed, and her face went scary still.
I screamed Hyde’s name at the top of my lungs and felt the entire truck swerve. It wasn’t the safest, but neither one of us was thinking about ourselves at the moment.
“She’s not breathing!” Her chest stopped moving, and the horrible sucking sounds she made stopped altogether. I put my hand on her chest and tried not to freak out that it was no longer moving.
Hyde barked out a series of loud swear words, and the truck suddenly jerked to the side of the road. Ice-cold fear ran down my spine. I called 911 and practically screamed at the operator to send help, even though I wasn’t exactly sure how far away from the hospital we were. I probably wasn’t making any sense, but I did my best to call for help as Hyde pulled the baby out of her car seat and started frantically breathing for her.
His technique seemed to match the crash course my aunt just put me through, but it didn’t seem to have much effect. Hollyn’s little face remained frighteningly pale, and she was unnaturally quiet. Hyde’s big body was shaking. His broad shoulders quaked with each breath he tried to give his baby. It was heartbreaking to watch, and that lingering sense of helplessness and feeling of hopelessness started to get stronger. It was hard to keep the negativity at bay and stay present, so I could help Hyde in whatever way I could.
The 911 operator’s voice was calm in my ear as he assured me help was on the way. He instructed me to tell Hyde to keep up the CPR, which I did even though I doubted he could hear me. He seemed a bit like he was in a daze, and I hated that he was so familiar with what it felt like to be on the brink of losing his child. It wasn’t fair that a guy who had gone out of his way to take care of a young girl who was lost in her own head, and who had fought for a baby that might not make it, a guy who wanted nothing more than to help others; kept getting handed harder and harder situations to find his way through. It felt like our karma was reversed. I reached out to put a hand on the top of Hyde’s head to let him know this time he wasn’t in the fight alone when the shrill sound of sirens split the night air and bright lights lit up the inside of the truck.
Help had arrived, but it was Hyde who saved Hollyn’s life. Just as the paramedics were rushing up to the side of the truck, the baby let out a feeble cry and waved her tiny hand as if she was signaling ‘hello’ and letting us know she was back with us.
Hyde lifted his head, and I saw his handsome face had wet tear tracks on both cheeks. Our eyes locked, and I was shocked to see just how haggard and devastated he looked. There was no relief in his gaze, no respite even though Hollyn let out another pained sound as the paramedics frantically worked around her small body.
If I’d happened to catch sight of him when he came to see me after I tried to take my own life, I would’ve recognized the look on his face as one of guilt, blame, and remorse. It was the look of someone who felt responsible for events that were beyond his control. It was the look of someone bearing the weight of the world on his own.
It was the look of a man who came close to losing everything he loved and blamed himself for not being able to protect what mattered most to him.
Hyde
IT WAS SNOWING.
It was bitterly cold. Each breath I took puffed out in front of my face as if to mockingly remind me that I was still alive. I couldn’t remember which day of the week it was. I had no idea the last time I ate or took a real shower. My brain was just as fuzzy as my breath in the air, and my heart just as frigid as the winter snow and ice crunching under my boots as I absently walked toward the steps of an old church on the same block as the big hospital.
Time really felt like it had no meaning at the moment. I was existing between updates from the specialists working hard to save Hollyn’s life. She had stopped breathing once again on the way to the hospital, and her fever raged to over a hundred degrees by the time she was admitted. She was being kept alive by machines and was fighting for her life while I stood by helplessly and watched. She was in and out of consciousness the first day, and eventually, she needed to be put on a ventilator. Her preemie lungs just weren’t strong or healthy enough to combat the virus that was ravaging her respiratory system.
On top of feeling helpless, I felt like I was about to be crushed under the weight of my guilt.
How had I missed that Hollyn was struggling to breathe?
How did I not notice she had a fever?
Why couldn’t I tell she was so sick?
Was I the one who brought the virus home to her or had I mistakenly let someone else close enough to infect her?
The bottom line: I hadn’t taken good enough care of my daughter, and now she was once again battling an opponent far fiercer than she was. Like Remy said, it wasn’t fair that one little girl had to go through so much in order to simply exist. I felt like I failed her.
It didn’t matter that, this time around, Hollyn was surrounded by people who loved her and were offering their strength when she had none. It didn’t matter that there wasn’t a moment I was alone with my fear and recrimination. It didn’t matter that I could make decisions swiftly and decisively this go around because no legal entanglements were standing in my way. I still felt like I was unworthy of being her father.
I also felt undeserving of the support system that showed up and refused to let me crumble each time Hollyn took a turn for the worse. My parents were unwavering at my back. My aunt and uncle made sure everyone stayed fed and got some sleep. Remy was the intermediary between the medical staff and myself. Whenever I felt like they were talking around what was happening, she tracked down Shaw Archer who made sure I was fully informed of each and every scenario that may happen with my daughter. It was quite the task now that we were in the children’s hospital and not the busy ER of the downtown hospital. Remy also held my hand and didn’t let go, even when I tried to pull away. I wanted to shake her off and sink into my own sense of doom and depression, but she didn’t let me. She kept me connected and kept me from freezing everyone out by sharing her warmth with me through a simple touch.
I thought her frantic, electric energy would be overwhelming and difficult to deal with in an emergency. As it turned out, when everything got still and quiet, when it all felt totally hopeless and excruciatingly painful, she was the one spot of light in the darkness. She was the one person I could see outside of my concern for my daughter. And because I had no issue finding her when everything else was black and broken, I reached for Remy time and time again to pull me back from the brink of despair.
She stubbornly refused to leave my side, even though she was also missing meals, sleep, and any semblance of a normal life. Finally, her brother had shown up and forcibly dragged her away from my side. He promised to bring her back as soon as she got some sleep and something to eat. I was so focused on Hollyn, I forgot to worry about Remy—and myself, if I was honest. I told her I would take care of her if she let me back in her life, and I’d already dropped the ball.
Why would she want to be with someone like me?
I couldn’t keep my word. I’d asked her to adjust the life she lived to accommodate me and my kid. I forc
ed her to feel things she’d long forgotten because I couldn’t stand to be nothing more than a bad memory. I lured her to love me because I had such a hard time loving myself. If I was a compassionate man, I would let her go this instant. But I didn’t. I still kept reaching for her in my worst moments, and when she left, taking her light and love with her, I felt consumed by the darkness. Choking on my emotions and feelings of inadequacy, I told my parents, who also looked haggard and tired from being in the trenches with me, that I needed to get some air. I walked out of the intensive care unit of the children’s hospital, not noticing I passed some familiar faces along the way.
I walked aimlessly until I came across the small church. The children’s hospital was outside of Denver off the highway in Aurora. It was more in the suburbs and located next to a small neighborhood. The church wasn’t one of the big stone ones decorated with ornate stained glass and bell towers. It was small, white, and blended into the rest of the established neighborhood with ease. I don’t know why my feet seemed to guide me toward it, or what kind of resolution I was looking for, but I felt compelled to go inside.
However, if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have had any luck at all lately. The doors were locked, and I was left standing out in the cold, looking up at the building as if it betrayed me. I had to fight the urge to kick the sacred building, and I reminded myself that I wasn’t really a religious man, but right now, I needed to amplify whatever faith remained as much as possible.
I swore loudly and spun around in a rush when a hand suddenly landed on my shoulder. It was probably a good thing I didn’t get inside of the church, considering I’d definitely just taken the Lord’s name in vain. I pressed a hand to my racing heart and took the heavy canvas coat Remy’s mom handed me.
“It’s Rome’s. It’ll probably be too big on you, but you shouldn’t be out in this weather without a coat.” She lifted her pale eyebrows and skimmed her gaze over my short hair and bare hands. She shook her head and clicked her tongue. “Getting your kids to wear a hat and gloves when winter rolls around is apparently a job that never ends.” She looked at the closed doors of the church and back at me. “If you’re going to be out here for a bit, let me go find the things you need to keep warm. You won’t do your baby any good if you end up with a cold and can’t get in the room to be with her.”
Prodigal Son: A Sexy Single Dad Romance: Book 2 in the Marked Men 2nd Generation Series (The Forever Marked Series) Page 21
