I planned my smoke breaks around Janet’s, just to have an excuse to be near her.
It took all of a month before things started to heat up between us. A stolen kiss one day after the diner closed led to a date where I held her hand, took her down to the lake, and we gave the stars quite a show.
Her past was much like mine, and together we were two lost souls just killing time during the day in the diner and spending time together at night. Most nights we’d stay up way too late. I couldn’t even count how many times we’d stay up all night together and just walk to the diner, hand in hand, and start another shift. And when it all got to be too much, we’d crash hard, and sleep for hours upon hours.
Janet was the one who started the conversation that ended with me getting the diner from Wally and Gwen. The agreement ended up pretty simple. I’d get the diner and they’d get to live in the apartment above it for free. We stood in the back of the diner after closing and worked it all out. When everything was decided upon and settled for real, Wally broke out a bottle of whiskey. The four of us drank the entire thing.
Gwen helped Wally upstairs to the apartment and Janet and I walked to the lake again. We stumbled across a small house that looked like it needed a lot of work. Janet said it was the perfect little house and I boldly told her I was going to buy it.
That was maybe the last day of normal for us.
Somewhere in my heart I knew it was going to end badly…
I just didn’t think it would end as badly as it did.
* * *
I woke up to a fiery pain in my right shoulder. So bad that my teeth gritted tightly and I stared at the ceiling, wishing the roof would just cave in and knock me out. That’s what the pain did. It would come and go like a wave. The moment it was calm enough that I could move, I reached for the nightstand and opened the drawer. My pills were spilled all over the inside, the bottle opened.
“Shit,” I groaned.
I popped two into my mouth and swallowed them without water. I had become a master of this. Janet thought it was disgusting that I could do it.
When I sat up, my head felt like it weighed a ton. That had nothing to do with last night. Sitting down at the lake, drinking like I would never have a drink again. Somehow stumbling our way back to the house, drinking more, indulging in other things before heading to bed to finish the night.
It took me a few minutes to work my way from the bedroom to the kitchen. I never knew how Janet could do it so flawlessly. How she could go crazy the night before and still wake up early enough to clean up, make coffee, and just act as though things were normal.
She left a mug out for me and I poured a cup of coffee and went to find her. Which wasn’t hard to do. If she wasn’t down at the lake soaking up the sun, she was up in the loft. Sitting right there on the floor, staring out the window. She loved that window. She loved that view too. She said it reminded her of being a kid. I never asked for the full story though.
And that’s where I found her.
Wearing one of my flannel shirts, the sleeves dangling off her wrists, not giving a damn about her messy hair, no makeup, or anything else about her. That’s what got me with her. She was just herself and that was that. And the dark secret she held inside was the same as mine. Which meant we understood each other in such a deep way. What started out as something physical and fun turned into a deep bond over something as tragic as addiction. Yet, we didn’t want to save ourselves or each other from that. We took comfort in each other’s addictions and held hands as we went off the deep end into the darkness.
It was our thing.
“Thought you’d never wake up,” she said to me, turning her head.
She had a pretty smile. Her teeth were beautifully gapped, a little crooked, perfect for her. Her eyes were rich and dark, hinting at a wild girl just waiting to show herself. I dropped to one knee and kissed her good morning. She tasted like coffee and sleep.
“My head is pounding,” I whispered with a grin.
“Coffee,” Janet said. “Coffee and… well…”
She wiggled her eyebrows.
I saw the look in her eyes.
She was with me, but she really wasn’t.
That’s when it sometimes hurt. When she’d go dark without me.
I touched her face, knowing anything I would say would be ignored or forgotten.
She was still beautiful though. Even with those demons of hers dancing so close. And I was one to talk, considering the first thing I did each morning was grab some pills. I took what I wanted, when I wanted. And when I ran out, I always got more. It was the only way to dull the shoulder pain, among other things.
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask her if she had taken some of my pills, but what did it matter? Of course she did. She woke up early, took care of her own demons, had some coffee, and went snooping for something to keep her on the edge.
“How’s the lake today?” I asked her.
“It’s gorgeous, Adam. I can just stare at it all day long. The way the sunlight hits it. The gentle ripples. Sometimes I can see animals.”
I leaned in and kissed her again.
As I stood up, Janet grabbed my wrist tightly. “Where are you going?”
“The diner, Janet.”
“Stay home.”
“I own the diner. There is no staying home anymore.”
I smiled.
I knew we both probably looked like death right then.
Janet had stopped going into work a long time ago. After I got the diner and damn near killed myself trying to figure out how to run it - with the help of Janet - she stopped going in. It was one excuse after another. Anyone else would have gotten fired, but it was Janet. My Janet. So, I let it slide. Everyone at the diner assumed she was not coming back, even if I hadn’t made the official announcement. They all knew I was with her, so they didn’t ask any questions.
“Stay,” Janet said. “You have to stay.”
“I… I can’t…”
There had been too many days already where Gwen and Wally had opened the diner for me because I had been running late, thanks to the previous night’s enjoyment. They were mostly okay with it, knowing I had been working long and late hours to figure out the business and how to save it. Only a fool like me would take over a failing diner in a failing little town. But I knew how much the diner meant and I would do anything to keep the doors open.
“Adam… please…”
Janet pleaded, and I snapped out of my trance.
She turned and was on her knees before me. Her hands touched the top of my jeans. She opened my jeans with a vixen grin on her face.
“I bet I can convince you to stay,” she whispered.
Her right hand pushed up my shirt and she came forward, kissing my bare skin.
I sucked in a breath, instantly hard, but I backed up and dropped to one knee again.
“Hey,” I said. “You know I have to be there.”
“Just stay here. Fuck me right here, Adam. Then we can get breakfast and fuck again.”
She was so wildly high right then, she’d never remember this conversation. And if I let her… you know… she’d never remember it. A sting of jealousy went through me, leaving me always wondering how many men she had been with where she didn’t remember.
“Janet, look at me,” I said. I cupped her face. “I have to go. But I’ll be back before you know it. Enjoy the view. Watch the lake. Write some poetry. Okay?”
“Adam…” Her eyes filled with tears. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said.
Those were tricky words for me. Because I did love Janet. Goddammit, I really did. I wasn’t sure what kind of love that was though. I wasn’t sure if it was the same love she had for me. I just knew that the love I felt for her wasn’t the same as I had felt once before for someone else. But if that someone else didn’t love me back, I had to move forward. Maybe not move on, but definitely move forward.
I pointed to the nightstand in the corne
r. “All your stuff is in there.”
Janet found the nightstand on the side of the road. We were on a little road trip north for the fall foliage and she spotted it and had to have it. It was old, beaten up, and she insisted it was antique. I couldn’t say no to her excitement. Ever.
I broke away from Janet as she turned to look out the window. She put her hand to the window and let out a weeping sound.
It hurt my heart to hear her cry, but it wasn’t the first time I had dealt with this. There were parts of the darkness that were tricky. One part left Janet happy and free. The wild woman who would laugh hard, kiss hard. She’d strip naked and run right into the lake and splash around in the moonlight. She’d run back to me and jump into my arms, smelling of the water and the night, begging me to take her to bed.
The other side… was much different.
She’d cry.
And she’d never tell me why.
It was as though something was unlocked, and she grieved whatever that was.
That side of the darkness I stayed away from. Because if I pushed too hard, it would get violent.
I walked to the nightstand and opened the top drawer. I took out the notebook and pen and gently placed it next to Janet.
I kissed the top of her head and left to go to the diner.
My heart hurt for her, but I knew I’d be back to her soon enough and we’d have another crazy night together.
That’s how it always went.
Except this time.
This time I’d never talk to her again. I’d never look into her eyes again. I’d never hear her voice again.
The tears this time were real. The darkness more real.
The demons… would win the fight.
14
The Desk and the Window
ELENA
(now)
I stared at my phone for a few seconds outside Adam’s house. It was in Chad’s name, my mind trying to calculate how many days it had been since we last texted each other. The last message being one during a time when I thought we were together, but he was already moving on. I still didn’t have the closure I rightfully deserved. Yet at the same time, I had no desire to track Chad down and get that closure. I refused to look weak near him.
After all the time I spent… the time I lost…
I looked up at Adam’s house and felt my heart sink into my stomach. I thought back to the night of my graduation party. For all the mess ups my mother had made in her life - and my life - that night she wanted me to be with Adam. Just to see what it would be like. And I didn’t do it. Even if Adam hadn’t taken off and gotten hit by that car, I wouldn’t have done anything with him. To my regret, then and now.
And in some weird twist, after that night, my mother and Chad ended up getting closer. Because of me. Pushing me into a life I wasn’t sure of. Wanting more for me when all I wanted was them to care for me the way I needed. The way Adam always cared for me.
I took a deep breath and put my phone away.
It was weird sleeping in a new room. At the same time, it was nice to have an actual bed. Marjorie mostly kept to herself. She always had coffee made. And she always had some homemade baked sweets on the counter waiting for me, too. I only seemed to really sleep there though. I’d wake up, grab my laptop, stare at a blank screen, and then go to my real job. Slowly, I had cut back on showings, trusting in Lacy to take the slack to help me out, blaming my break up with Chad. Which was partially true.
The entire truth was that the small town lake life was starting to consume me. And spending as much time as I could with Adam wasn’t so bad either.
He greeted me on the porch, but it wasn’t the same Adam. He wasn’t happy and smiling.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him.
“Want to go for a ride?”
“Sure.”
Adam breezed right by me, leaving me longing for a hug. Or a kiss.
I turned and watched him march toward his truck.
I feared he was going to leave without me, so I ran to the truck after he started it. Before I could close the door, he started to drive.
“Adam,” I said.
The back end of the truck fishtailed, kicking up dirt and dust as he sped away from his house. I saw the way his eyes looked in the mirror. As if someone was going to follow us. As if he wished he would never go back to the house.
I slowly reached for his hand. “Hey. Tell me what’s going on.”
“How was your day?” he asked me.
“It was a day.”
“Write some words?”
“Not really. I’m having a hard time right now…”
“You’ll get there.”
I just stared at him. “Adam… what’s going on?”
“You’ll find out soon,” he said.
And soon came about five minutes later.
When he pulled up to the entrance of a cemetery.
That’s when he turned and reached for my face.
Stroking my cheek.
“I want to tell you about the only other woman I ever loved besides you.”
* * *
That sentence took my breath away.
And I was still having a hard time breathing as we walked hand in hand through the cemetery. I was holding his hand to keep my balance. Because the words bounced around my head.
… the only other woman I ever loved…
… besides you…
“Janet was wild from the day I met her,” Adam said. “She was exactly what I needed right then. You know how I met Charles.”
“You said you came here and were living… nowhere.”
“The diner saved me. Gwen and Wally owned it for decades. Shit, they probably yelled at us so many times for the dumb things we used to do to the place. We were such assholes as teenagers.”
“I think that’s the point of being a teenager.”
“Maybe. When I made my way up here, I thought I was going to find myself. Or save myself. I don’t know. Everything changed the night of the accident. And not just me getting hit. It was the pain in my shoulder. And everyone telling me it would go away. All my friends were gone. You were gone, sugar.”
I swallowed hard. I had no excuse. I chased after Chad as he went to college two hours away. I lived in an apartment and struggled to pay the rent, waitressing, watching him play baseball. It took me until the following year to finally decide to go to college myself. For business. Because by then, both my mother and Chad had convinced me I should be in real estate. All because when I moved out of that apartment to live with Chad, I did all the work myself to rent it out. The guy who owned the building made a comment about me being in real estate. He even offered me a job.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“You never have to be sorry for anything you’ve done,” Adam said.
I looked at him. “Yes, I do, Adam.”
We kept walking, now in silence.
I was a fool for not putting things together until I saw the gravestone with the name Janet Lowrski etched into a gray, marble stone with an angel above the name. There weren’t even dates on the stone.
I gasped and squeezed Adam’s hand even tighter.
“Adam…”
“The diner saved me,” he said. “And meeting Janet made me feel alive. The first time I had felt alive since you.”
“Since me?”
“Since you, sugar. And I’m showing you this for a good reason. Telling you this for a good reason. The diner was in serious trouble. And for some dumb reason, Gwen and Wally wanted me to take the place over. So, I did. When I did, Janet stopped showing up to work. I let it go because I owned the diner. Gwen got mad at me. Wally wanted to slap me upside the head for falling in love the way I did.”
Adam in love with someone else…
Jealousy stirred in the pit of my stomach. Just like it had always done when I saw him with another girl. But that was always high school stuff. Holding hands. Kissing goodbye before class. Her head on his shoulder. Her drawing I lov
e you with a heart and just the letter U in blue ink on the palm of his hand. I had always watched it and secretly wanted it.
There I was, admitting that kind of stuff to myself while standing at the grave of the woman that possessed Adam’s heart. Meaning if she hadn’t passed… would she have answered the door the day I showed up heartbroken? I couldn’t even imagine how awkward that would have been. Thinking I could just step into Adam’s life like nothing had changed.
I felt like a terrible person as I stood there.
“It was a different kind of love though, Elena,” Adam said.
“How so?” I asked, my voice low.
Cemeteries creeped me out.
“It just was. We were together, but we were both lost.” Adam ran a hand through his hair. “My enjoyments from back in the day didn’t quite end after I left.”
Our eyes met, and I knew just what he meant.
“Oh,” I said. “You and Brad?”
He laughed. “No. I haven’t seen Brad since… a long time. He went out west, got into trouble, and got cleaned up. I carried my demons with me. And meeting Janet… well, she had demons of her own. You know that old saying two wrongs don’t make a right? That was us. I bought the house because she loved it. I kept the loft cleaned up because she loved the window and view.”
“That’s why the loft is a mess now?” I asked. I gasped and grabbed his strong arm with my other hand. “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Yes, you did,” he said. “And, yes, that’s exactly why the loft has been a mess. When I lost her, I couldn’t go up there anymore.”
“How did she…”
“I left to go to the diner one day,” I said. “She had been high already, but that was normal for her. And me. I didn’t think anything of it. Looking back, she was really upset about something. I’ll never know what she was upset about, Elena. Because… she left a note that she was going for a walk. When I found the note, I just knew. Why would she leave a note? She knew I wasn’t going to be home for hours. But she wanted to be found. And that’s what I did. I found her.”
“Found her where?”
“Up the road. Just off it, actually. She had… she overdosed.”
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