He looked to be maybe two or three.
“Hi,” he said. And then he just stared.
“Adam is here? Where?”
I heard a booming voice.
When I looked, I saw a short and round woman with black messy hair and glasses on her face, eyes wide, charging right toward me.
I stood up and was ready to face whatever had happened.
Chris had been messing with the streets long before he met me. But I did nothing to stop him. I did nothing to help him. Just like with Janet. And I hoped the outcome wasn’t going to be the same.
“This is Adam,” Jess said.
“It’s nice to meet you, ma’am,” I said.
I offered my hand, but Chris’s mother didn’t want that.
She almost tackled me as she hugged me, breaking down into tears.
I looked at Jess and she just nodded.
I put an arm to Chris’s mother’s back. “I’m so sorry. How is he?”
“Oh, my son,” she cried. “My son. Out there playing that kind of game. Goddammit.”
“Ma! The baby!” Jess yelled.
Chris’s mother broke from me. “Oh, like it’s any better than what that loser says around him?”
“Hey, hey, hey,” I said, putting my hands out. “Let’s not argue. Tell me how Chris is doing.”
Chris’s mother faced me. “He’s awake. He’s going to be just fine.”
“Just fine?” I asked. “So…”
“The bullet hit his shoulder,” Jess said. “It wasn’t even that serious.”
“He was shot!” Chris’s mother yelled.
“Okay, okay, ma’am,” I said to her.
“Her name is Barbara,” Jess said.
“Can I call you Barbara?” I asked.
“Barb is fine,” Chris’s mother said.
“So, he’s okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. Like Jess said, he was shot in the shoulder. Even still…”
“I know,” I said.
“Dealing on the street,” Jess said. “Like an idiot. What if that came home with him? I have a baby at home.”
Barb looked flustered. I saw her messing with her left arm. I thought back to what Chris said about her having panic attacks and that heart episode.
I stepped in between mother and daughter.
It wasn’t my position, but I felt like I owed it to Chris.
“And who are you?” I asked Jess in a quiet voice. “I’ve heard a lot about your family, Jess. And I can’t even imagine what you all are going through, okay? But now is not the time to pick a fight with your mother.”
“Whatever,” she said.
I turned. “Can I get you anything?” I asked Barb.
“Thank you,” she said, ignoring my question.
“Me? What? Why?”
“You came,” she said. “He was asking about you.”
“Chris was?”
“Yeah. I called the diner. I talked to Judy. She said she would call you.”
“Chris is awake and asking for me?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Barb said. “He always talks about you. You gave him a job. You let him come and go when he needs to. You’re so supportive of him when nobody else is.”
I felt my chin tighten and shake. I slowly started to shake my head. “No, Barb. That’s not right at all.”
“What’s not right?” she asked.
Her eyes were big, bloodshot, the eyes of a mama bear who realized just how close she had come to losing one of her cubs. Top that off with the messy baby drama with her daughter Jess…
“This is my fault," I said. “I did this to him.”
“You shot my brother?” Jess asked.
“Bang, bang,” little Tyler said.
“Here, go away,” Jess snapped at Tyler as she gave him her cell phone.
Tyler fell to his butt on the floor and knew exactly how to use the phone.
“I didn’t shoot Chris,” I said. “But I sent him out there. I might as well have… pulled the trigger…”
Barb grabbed my arm. “Don’t make me wallop you on the side of the head. Because I already asked the doctor if I can do that to Chris. And they told me if I did that, he’d be out again.”
“Don’t tempt her,” Jess warned.
“I’m not tempting…”
“I don’t know what my son was doing or thinking,” Barb said. “But if you think this is your fault because you couldn’t pay him more, then you’re a fool. This is all our faults. Chris wanted to be the protector of this family. And with all of our flaws…” Barb turned her head and threw staring daggers right at Jess.
“I already apologized to him,” Jess whispered. “I’ll do it a hundred more times.”
“It’s not just that,” I said. “Ah, damn. He tried to do the same for the diner. Being the protector. Taking care of others.”
“It’s all he’s known,” Barb said. “He’s stuck between becoming a man and finding out what life really is.”
The guilt pressed against my chest.
Barb’s eyes filled with fresh tears.
Even Jess looked ready to cry. She just swallowed hard and rolled her eyes to block the tears.
“He loves you both,” I said. “Actually, the three of you.” I nodded to little Tyler. “I promise you, I will help fix this entire thing.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Barb said.
“I actually do,” I said. “That’s all I’m going to say right now.”
“You can’t-”
“Ma, if he wants to help Chris, let him,” Jess snapped.
“You’re going to get a fresh backhand to the mouth soon,” Barb said back.
“Here,” I said. “Jess, why don’t you have a seat? I’ll go get you something to drink. Tyler too. And Barb, why don’t you take a walk down to the window. It’s got a great view of the city. I’ll get you a coffee.”
“You’re too sweet, Adam,” Barb said.
I shook my head again. “Hardly.”
I hurried down to the nursing station and got directions to where I could get drinks for Chris’s family.
Then it was time to face Chris and find out what the hell really happened.
* * *
“Well, you can take a bullet, that’s for sure,” I said to him.
Chris laughed, winced in pain, and twisted his neck. He was in a hospital gown and his shoulder looked as bandaged as mine did when I got hit by the car.
It was almost like looking back in time.
A stupid situation that could have been avoided.
“I saw your mother and sister out there,” I said. “And Tyler.”
“I’m glad Ma got ahold of you,” Chris said.
His voice was soft, monotone, tired.
Maybe even ashamed.
I walked around the bed and took a seat. I reached for the remote and shut the TV off.
“Chris, what the fuck happened?”
“Nothing,” he said.
“I’m not your mother. Don’t lie.”
“What the hell do you think happened?” he asked. “Shit went wrong and I got shot.”
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. “I have to ask you something, Chris. And it’s a really bad question. It makes me sound like a jerk. And I am a jerk. But were you out there buying pills for me?”
Chris laughed. “You’re right. You’re a jerk, Adam. Yet the first thing I asked when I came to was if someone had told you about what happened. I thought about you, man. I figured you were going to get pissed at me.”
I reached for the bed and touched his leg. “I’m pissed. At myself. I put you in this spot, Chris.”
“No, you didn’t. I was doing what I was doing before I worked for you. Don’t give me that. Don’t steal my spotlight.”
“This is your spotlight?”
“It’s all I’ve got,” Chris said. “And to answer your question, no, I wasn’t doing anything for you. That shit’s easy to get. That’s more of a suit and tie business transaction.”
I shook my head. “So, if that’s suit and tie, what the hell have you been involved with?”
“Nobody needs to know,” he said. He broke his stare from me and looked at the turned off TV. “I was out trying to help Ma. And Jess.”
“Because of Gavin?”
“Yeah. He got himself in a hole with someone. He asked me to help. So, I did.”
“Why did you try to help him?”
“For the sake of Jess and Tyler,” Chris said. “I thought I could take the high road.”
“You got hurt because of that,” I said.
“Nah, it wasn’t that. It was a bunch of stuff. I’ve been scrambling, Adam. Trying to take care of everyone. It looked like I was panicking over something. Things exploded. I guess literally.”
Chris laughed.
I stood up. “Look, I don’t want to be that person that tells you what to do while you’re in a hospital bed, but you have to stop this shit. That includes me. I’m so sorry I put you in a position like this. I don’t care how you got those pills for me, I put you in that position.”
“Let me get out of the hospital before I start planning my life out,” he said.
I touched my jaw. “You’re smart, Chris. You could do something more. Something better.”
“Why does it matter to you?”
“You remind me of me,” I said. “When I was younger, I got hit by a car.”
“Oh, damn,” he said.
“Yeah. Hit and run. I was messed up and ran out into the road and… well, it destroyed my shoulder. And I refused to go to therapy and now my shoulder is still all screwed up. I’ve ignored getting surgery for years because…well, bad excuses. And my shoulder pain was the excuse to chew on pills like they were candy. I guess what I’m saying, Chris, is that you have to face shit in life. No matter how old you are. If you love someone, tell them. If you want to make a change, make it. If you can save someone, save them. If you have to let someone go, then let them go.”
“Are you talking to me or yourself?” Chris asked.
I laughed. “Right. Sorry.”
“Adam, you’ve saved my ass many times. And what I did for you never put me in danger.”
“Yeah, but I should have never done it. No matter what. And I’m glad you’re okay. You have a lot of people who care about you. And I’m sorry most of those people rely on you so much.”
“Maybe in some fucked up way, Adam, being here is a little break for me.”
“That’s pretty sad,” I said. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave the dishes to pile up for you.”
Chris lifted his right hand and threw me the middle finger.
“Rest up,” I said.
I exited the room and made a fist and brought it to my mouth. I bit at my knuckle, holding back all of my emotion. To my right I saw Barb standing over Jess as Jess sat in a chair. She looked uninterested as Barb talked to her. And Tyler wandered back and forth in the hallway, wall to wall, Jess’s cell phone in his hand.
I shook my head, understanding what Chris was going through. It was a tough life to lead. And all he wanted to do was protect them. Love them. Provide for them.
I turned and put my hand to the hospital room door.
My shoulder hurt. My shoulder hurt really badly.
Not as badly as my heart though.
The only thing I ever wanted in life was a chance at Elena’s love.
And it had come.
And it had slipped away.
But there was a catch.
We both loved each other. Then. And now.
My shoulder could hurt. The diner could collapse.
Losing Elena was not an option.
* * *
My house was empty.
There was no sign of Elena.
I checked the loft and went outside and down to the lake. I paused there and stared across the water to the shore where we all used to party. The nights over there were maybe where Elena and I really began to fall in love. We both didn’t know what it meant or how to handle what it felt like.
Janet and I had walked around to that side more than a few times. She was never shy about asking about Elena. And when I was feeling good, I would talk for hours about her. It never really occurred to me that maybe Janet knew I loved Elena more than I loved her. It was a crushing thought…
I turned and ran back to the house.
I got the keys to my truck and left.
The only other place Elena would be was at Marjorie’s.
Yet when I arrived there, her car was nowhere to be found. Even still, I refused to give up.
I knocked on Marjorie’s door and waited for what felt like an hour before the door opened.
Marjorie stood there, a big smile on her face, her round cheeks pressing up to her eyes. Her brown eyes damn near twinkled, always happy and always appreciative of an unexpected visit.
“Adam,” she said.
“I’m sorry to bother you, Marjorie, but I’m looking for Elena,” I said.
“Oh. She’s not here.”
“I figured that. Her car wasn’t out front. Thought I would ask. She had been at my place… but now I’m trying to get ahold of her.”
“Would you like to come in?” Marjorie asked.
“I really need to get ahold of Elena. Not sure where else she could be.”
“Probably on her way to her mother’s,” Marjorie said.
“What?”
“She was here a little while ago, Adam.”
“She came here?”
“Yeah,” she said. “She packed and said she was going to visit her mother. She paid me for a few weeks in advance and told me she’d keep in touch. You didn’t know that?”
“No, I didn’t,” I said.
“So, she left without telling you.” Marjorie touched her mouth. “Oh, Adam, I’m sorry. I thought you two…”
“Me too,” I said. “I messed things up. Pretty bad.”
“She’s on the road,” Marjorie said. “She’s not gone forever.”
I gave a weak smile and a nod. “You’re right. Thank you, Marjorie. Sorry I can’t stay longer.”
I walked back to my truck slowly.
I drove around in a blur, my thoughts swelling like clouds over a mountain, ready to unleash a storm.
When I got home, I walked right into the bedroom and sat down. The sheets still smelled like her sweet skin. My entire house was a memory of Elena. Her desk was still upstairs in the loft.
She packed up and took off.
To get away from me. To get away from what I had told her. To get away from it all.
She should have just done that in the first place.
Instead, she came running to me like when we were younger.
Gritting my teeth, I reached for the nightstand and pulled the drawer open. The pill bottle was still there. I didn’t even bother to look at it as I twisted off the cap and poured two pills into the palm of my hand.
I dropped the bottle back into the drawer and kicked it shut so hard, it opened back up.
I walked out of the room and went outside again. Back down to the edge of the lake. The same spot where Elena stood as she stripped her clothes off and jumped into the lake that one night. And I stood up on the deck and watched her do it. And I came to get her out of the water, wrapped her up in a towel, and took her inside to finish the night together.
As I opened my hand, I looked down at the pills.
My shoulder throbbed. It really ached.
So did everything else.
I closed my hand, wound up, and threw the pills into the water.
It was time to finish what I had started years ago.
It was time to chase down Elena once and for all… even if that meant losing her for good.
29
Walking to Nowhere
ELENA
(now)
I listened to the sound of the ocean as I moved the same piece of hair out of my face over and over. It was so serene to be there. The beach was quiet. The ocean was endless.
It was a real chance to step out of the loudness of reality and just breathe for a second. I kept my laptop close and wrote a few words here and there. I ignored Lucy’s calls and texts. But each time my phone buzzed or lit up, I jumped for it.
Waiting for Adam to call or text.
But he didn’t.
It left me with a sinking feeling. A terrible hole in my heart and my soul.
Maybe leaving at that time was a bad idea, but it felt right. He had so much to take care of on his own. And I had been invasive to his life. I assumed he was going to be the same person. And he assumed the same of me. Yet we were two different people… and we still managed to fall in love with each other.
I loved him.
I really loved him.
For such a long time.
The door slid open behind me. “I can never get enough of that view.”
I looked back and saw my mother stepping outside with two glasses of wine.
She shut the door behind her and placed my glass on the table next to my laptop.
“How did you manage this?” I asked with a smile.
“Luck,” Mom said. “Found the right job and managed to swing this. Sometimes I still pinch myself.”
“It’s beautiful,” I said. “It’s so peaceful.”
“That’s one thing I wanted,” she said. “There had been so much going on and… I don’t know. I just decided to say screw it.”
Mom stood next to me.
I looked at her and her hair had been ripped out by the beach breeze.
“How are you?” she asked.
“Not good.”
“I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I’m lost, Mom. I’ve been lost for a long time. And all I’ve done is just coast along. To make everyone happy but myself. And when I finally try to make myself happy… it blows up in my face.”
“With Adam?” she asked.
“Yeah. I stepped right back into his life like we were teenagers. I didn’t even think it through. When Chad confessed that he had been cheating on me, I went right to Adam. I found comfort in him. I fell in love with him. But I never realized who he was.”
“And who is he?” Mom asked.
I swallowed hard. “The man I love. The man I’ve always loved. And I feel like I’ve thrown away so many years trying to avoid it.”
“But now you’re here instead of being with him,” Mom said. “Why are you running, Elena?”
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