by Catie Rhodes
I glanced at Dave, Neecie, and Tanner. They hadn’t heard anything past the thunder. They were still talking about whatever Dave found in the house. And I had missed whatever it was.
Tanner rubbed his chin, hand rasping over the short stubble he kept just the right length with a beard trimmer. “You say it’s a witch’s altar?”
“Or something,” Dave nodded. “I saw it, felt that crackle come off it, and I told Neecie ‘There’s one guy in the world who could tell us what this stuff is and if it’s worth anything.’”
“And help us find buyers if it is,” Neecie chimed in.
Tanner shrugged. “You know the same buyers I do.”
Dave did this thing where he shrugged and wagged his head back and forth. When he spoke, it was in a whiney, wheedling voice. “But without you there to tell me how powerful this altar is or isn’t and how valuable it is or isn’t, how can I get top dollar?”
“You must fly back with us.” Neecie’s gaze flicked to me. Guilt passed over her face like a cloud over the sun on a windy day. She dismissed me and focused on Tanner. “We’re looking at a commercial space right near the house. Selling these items could really give us the financial push we need to get into it.”
Tanner nodded. “I understand that and want to help you, but…”
A heavy heat settled in my stomach, mingling with the shock already filling it. Tanner had come here knowing Dave and Neecie had a proposition for him. That meant he was willing to entertain whatever they had to say. I knew this as sure as I knew to watch for snakes in tall grass. My mind struggled to catch up, but it felt as graceful as running through mud.
Tanner glanced at me out of the corner of one eye and hung his head.
Dave and Neecie, skillfully ignoring me, doubled down on him. They showed him pictures from their phones, pictures of L.A., the city where Tanner grew up and spent most of his adult life. He smiled and exclaimed over places he’d loved. His words didn’t upset me. The light behind his jewel colored eyes did. In the months I’d known Tanner, I’d never seen him glow like this.
Then Dave delivered the deathblow. “I ran into Nichole. You ought to see the kids. They’re getting so big. They asked about their Uncle Tanner. Nichole asked about you too.”
Tanner stiffened. Nichole was his sister. They had some bad blood between them, something Tanner wouldn’t talk about other than to admit he owed Nichole an apology over the way he’d acted following Bea’s death.
Neecie put a hand on Tanner’s arm, caught my glare, and dropped it. “Come to L.A. See your sister and your nieces and nephew. Visit with all your old friends. Maybe stay.”
“Even if you don’t stay, we could really use your help selling this altar, or whatever it is.” Dave kept his gaze carefully off me.
How could these people stand right here in front of me and try to talk Tanner into abandoning me? And not even invite me to come with him? The nerve of it made me see red.
I forced myself to back up. Tanner had no commitment to me. He’d said he loved me. But people fell in and out of love all the time. I knew that as well as anybody. I curled in on myself and stood staring out at the night, smoking cigarette after cigarette until Tanner said we needed to get back to the RV park where my family was camped.
“You live in an RV?” Neecie nearly screamed.
“Yep. But I own it free and clear.” I stepped toward Dave and Neecie, enjoying the way their eyes widened, and held out my hand. “Nice meeting you folks.”
Tanner played grabby hands all the way back out to my truck. I didn’t respond the way I usually did. Normally we’d have ended up doing something raunchy right there in my truck. Not tonight. I climbed behind the wheel before Tanner could and held out my hand for the keys.
He handed them over with a sigh. “You drive like an old woman.”
I ignored the barb. “Are you going back to California with them?”
He went around to the passenger side of the truck and climbed inside. Any other time, he'd have wanted to go twelve rounds over me driving. That alone told me how bad this was.
Part of me wanted to force Tanner to answer right then. Get the unpleasantness over with. But I tamped down the impulse, started the truck, and drove us back to the little town outside Austin where my family camped in a remote, nearly deserted RV park. This discussion was better had when I wasn't behind the wheel of a huge truck. Tanner must have felt the same way. The entire half hour drive, he said nothing.
As we turned into the RV park and drove past the darkened RVs where friends and family slept, Tanner said, “I think I want to fly to California with Dave and Neecie.”
My entire body tensed. I pushed my lips together and locked my jaw. If I opened my mouth, I’d start screaming and not be able to stop.
Tanner put one hand on my arm. “Look at me.”
I did, tears gathering in my eyes.
“When Bea got pregnant, neither of our families wanted us to have the baby. We were too young, too irresponsible. Even our friends said we were crazy. I mean, we were kids in high school.” Tanner gave my arm a light squeeze. “But not Dave and Neecie. They stuck with us. They babysat. In those early years, they helped us stay afloat.”
“You owe them,” I muttered. It made sense. Tanner was the most decent, kind man I knew. Of course, he wouldn’t abandon his friends.
“And I need to set things right with Nichole. If she’s willing to speak to me again, I’ve got to do this.” Tanner leaned close. “Please understand. And know that I am coming back.”
I swallowed the urge to cry, shut off the truck, and floated into my RV, barely aware of my movements as I unlocked the door. Tanner followed, head hung. I turned on the lights, wincing at their glare.
I spoke for the first time. “Let’s get you packed then. Text them and let them know you’ll be there in a couple of hours."
His mouth dropped open.
I turned my back on Tanner, sorrow poisoning my emotions, and went to find his duffel bag.
I stood in the doorway of the tiny closet in my RV’s bathroom, pretending to assess what belonged to Tanner. But, really, I was fighting to control my bleeding emotions.
Shock radiated through me in dizzying waves. I couldn’t believe I didn’t see this coming. But Tanner had never let on he was unhappy. Not even a little bit. So how could I have known?
I grabbed Tanner’s leather jacket, one of the few things he had from his old life before we met, took it off the hanger, and started to put it in the duffel bag at my feet. My arm stopped midway and just hung there, trembling. I raised the jacket to my face and inhaled deeply.
Tanner’s musky, earthy smell. It had come to mean home, happiness, and safety. I took another deep breath. Tonight would be the first night in a long time that I’d sleep without this smell wreathing me, without the weight of Tanner’s leg across my body.
My lips trembled. I swiped an impatient hand over them. I would not let Tanner see me cry. Nor would I run around pulling a big, ugly fit. Adults didn’t do that. Okay. Maybe some did. But this one didn’t. Not anymore. I was better than that.
Tanner and I had had good times. Better than good. If he wanted to go now, he had his reasons. I had to accept them and move on.
“We’re not over. I’m no further away than a phone call. I’ll be back soon as this stuff sells.” Tanner’s voice came from behind me.
I sucked in a harsh gasp and let out a little scream. The jacket fell around my feet. I picked it up, folded it, and stuffed it in the duffel bag.
“Did you hear me?” Tanner touched my shoulder. “Call me if you need me. I’ll be back before you know it.”
I doubted it. Rather than argue, I began pulling his shirts off hangers, folding them, and packing them.
“Get a sack for your shoes,” I said without turning around. “You don’t want them getting your clothes dirty.”
Tanner’s light footsteps retreated. A rustling sound came from a few feet away. He reached around me and held the sack in f
ront of me. I shoved his sneakers and his flip flops into it and passed it back.
“Would you just talk to me?” He stood behind me for several long minutes, waiting.
Finally I managed to choke out, “I can’t.”
He walked away. A few seconds later, the closet next to the bed opened, and the sounds of his rustling around for his things came.
I grabbed a plastic bag and loaded up his toiletries, resisting the impulse to stick his toothbrush in my butt before I packed it.
We had Tanner’s things packed within the hour. That was the nice part about living in an RV. There wasn’t room to store much. Tanner made one last circuit, making sure he’d left nothing.
I already had my truck keys in my hand, bouncing them. “Do you want me to drive you back to Dave and Neecie’s hotel?”
He glanced at the bed and tried to smile. “I thought we could…”
“Absolutely not.” I had never been less in the mood in my life. Well, maybe a few times.
Tanner’s face fell, but he gave a sad nod of acknowledgment. We loaded the truck in silence. Hannah was right next door, and I didn’t want her to come out to find out what was happening. I’d have to explain the whole thing to her soon enough. Right now, I just wanted to take Tanner wherever he wanted and call it done.
The thunder continued to rumble. For the second time, I thought I heard men’s shouts, the whinnies of horses, and dogs barking behind it. And that weird sound of engines racing. That memory fluttered again at the edge of my consciousness. Again, it faded before I could assess it.
Lightning cracked, bringing back the brightness of daylight for an instant. My imagination gave the clouds strange shapes. Almost human.
The radio played to Tanner’s and my silence as we drove. The moonless night, still except for the claps of thunder and flashes of lightning, was so dark that the reflection of my headlights on the road’s yellow stripes was all we had to light our way.
“I’m coming back,” Tanner repeated.
“You’ve said that.” I lit a cigarette and kept my eyes on the road.
“But you don’t believe me.” His voice rose with indignation.
“Would you believe me?” I stole a glance at him, at the dashboard lights glowing on his face. An ache grew in my chest. I swallowed hard against the rising tide of emotion.
“No. Probably not,” he mumbled. “Things have moved so fast between us. That was okay when I was eighteen with a pregnant girlfriend. But now I’m pushing forty. A little perspective won't hurt either of us.”
His words stabbed at my deepest insecurities, woke them up, and made them start talking. Why does he need perspective? I thought we were happy. I shut down the thoughts, cleanly pushed them out of my mind. There’d be plenty of time for recriminations later. Right now, I wanted to get this man out of my truck, out of my life, so I could have a tantrum in private.
The curbside in front of the Starlight Hotel was full, so I had to drive around looking for a spot. Tanner, maybe seeing the end coming, started talking.
“You’re thinking I don’t love you, but I do. Hey, look at me.” He tapped me, but I wouldn’t look at him. Because then he’d see the hurt on my face. My pride couldn’t have that.
Eyes forward, I whipped into a parking place. We were blocks from the hotel now, and it would be a helluva walk toting Tanner’s worldly belongings. Plenty of time to nag at each other and cause more hurt. Might as well speak my mind before things went any further. I took a deep breath and faced him.
“If you love me so much, why are you doing this?” I gestured at the backseat, full of his stuff.
He dropped his head and spoke to his lap. “I’m scared.”
Again, the images of those Tarot cards popped into my memory. The Tower. Death. Ten of Swords. Was Tanner cutting ties and running off the big upheaval predicted in the cards? It made a sick, ironic kind of sense.
He turned to me, eyes bright and wet. “I know I’m hurting you, and I’m so sorry. But I need some time to digest all this.”
There was no way to answer. I pulled the keys from the ignition, got out, and began unloading Tanner’s stuff.
Two dark figures hurried down the sidewalk toward us. As they neared, their faces became clear in the glow of the streetlights. Dave and Neecie.
I threw my head back and stared at the murky sky. Could things possibly get any worse? Having this final scene with Tanner in front of them was worse than crapping my pants in public.
“We saw you two drive by.” Dave had that asinine smile pasted on his face again.
Neecie hurried around Dave and came straight toward me, a fresh coat of that bright red lipstick on her lips. She put her arms out. I took a quick step backward and shook my head.
I might have to tolerate this scene in a grownup way, but I would not let her humiliate me. Neecie stopped her approach and stared, curiosity evident in her wide eyes and posture.
“Okay, then.” She withdrew. “This caught you off-guard. You’re hurting. I get that.”
Rather than acknowledge her half-assed sympathy, I pulled Tanner’s things out of the truck and set them on the sidewalk. He only had two duffel bags of clothes and toiletries. The rest was his stock of arcane and magical items, the stuff he sold at the carnival.
Staring at the pitiful evidence of Tanner’s life sitting there on the sidewalk, my throat tightened again. I glanced up to catch Dave watching me, smile gone, lips pulled down.
My fist curled. Furious words, ones I could yell at him, formed in my mind and pushed their way to my lips. Let it go, Peri Jean. It’s not his fault. Tanner is choosing this. I let my fist relax as a sob built in my chest.
Dave was probably just as uncomfortable as I was. Here he was thrust into the middle of my tense situation. Neecie too. She’d done nothing to me. Not really. Despite how different they were from me, their love for Tanner was obvious. They needed him right now and wanted him with them. And they thought he was better off back in LA.
Tanner’s decision to go didn’t match his seemingly genuine sadness over leaving or his promises to come back. But Tanner had a good heart. He didn’t like hurting people, and he wasn’t doing this to hurt me. He wanted perspective. Away from me. My chest began to throb in earnest.
“Need help carrying this stuff to your room?” I spoke to nobody in particular.
Dave rushed forward and grabbed both duffle bags. “Not at all. We’ve got it.” He elbowed Neecie. “Come on. Grab that box, and let’s let them say their goodbyes.”
Never taking her eyes off the silent drama of Tanner and me, Neecie grabbed one of the boxes of items for sale and followed Dave back down the sidewalk. At the corner, she turned for one last glance at me. Nosy little mouse turd.
Once they were out of sight, I moved toward Tanner. I’d touched him many times over the past months. But tonight I hesitated. He moved forward and put his arms around me. Our bodies folded together, my head on his shoulder.
I raised my head and untangled my arms from his. Using one finger I brushed his hair out of his face and locked eyes with him. “I love you and wish you all the luck in the world.”
“I’m coming back,” he whispered, voice quivering.
I let him go, climbed into my truck, and started the engine. Tanner grabbed the last box and walked down the sidewalk, head hung low, tangle of long hair hiding his face.
Once he turned the corner, I pulled out of the parking space headed back the way I came. My route back home took me past the hotel’s entrance. I got there just in time to see Neecie holding open the little iron gate for Tanner to pass through.
She fixed her lips back into a sad pout and waved to me. I showed her my middle finger, gunned the motor, and sped away.
Thunder crashed and lightning bolted through the night sky all the way back. The storm would bring the first cool, autumn weather to central Texas. Wash away the dismal dog-breath humid summer. Make way for a new season.
But a storm like that created dangers. Out
here in central Texas, roads flooded easily. I could get washed away. Lost on a raging river. Maybe forever.
My mind tripped back to Queenie’s Tarot reading. Did the Tower represent Tanner’s leaving? Or was it the Ten of Swords? It wasn’t Death. I had a feeling I hadn’t yet hit bottom.
Every camper in the RV park was quiet and dark when I returned. Good. At least I didn’t have to tell anybody about Tanner yet. After Neecie’s little show, I couldn't endure any more sympathy for a few hours. No matter how well meant.
I crept into my RV, stripped down, and took a fast shower. The RV’s hot water heater provided approximately five minutes of hot water. It wasn’t nearly enough to wash away the hurt of Tanner’s blow-off. But I doubted anything was.
Body clean, I crawled into my pajamas. I hadn’t used them since Tanner came into my life. That brought a little smile, and I slid between the sheets with it still on my lips.
But I couldn’t sleep. The pillows smelled like Tanner’s hair, and the sheets smelled like sex. I got up and made up the table into a bed. Because my bedspread smelled like Tanner, I got a flimsy lap blanket out of the closet and used that for cover. I fell into a fitful sleep where Tanner’s voice endlessly promised, “I’m coming back.”
Three raps on the door broke my thin rest. I jolted awake to hazy, gray light streaming through the windows. Looked like the day was going to match my mood.
Hannah yelled, “Get the hell up and let me in.” She banged on the door three more times.
I climbed out of my makeshift bed and opened the door. Hannah stood there holding two cups of coffee and a doughnut box.
“Breakup food,” she muttered and shoved her way in. When she saw where I’d slept, she grunted and began stripping the sheets off my bed. “Got any more?”
I shook my head. It was easier to wash them than store a second set.
“Where’s your quarters?” She gathered the sheets and bedspread in her arms.
I got my sandwich bag of change and followed her outside. We walked up the little lane of RVs to the overpriced laundromat, empty at this hour. We got the bedding started washing and walked back to my RV.
