by Catie Rhodes
Horse hooves approached. Oscar’s voice came from nearby. “I call the hunt back in session.”
He didn’t matter. The hunt didn’t matter. I’d just gotten one of my best friends killed.
Running footsteps came from behind me.
“Get her up,” my uncle Jesse said to someone, probably Tanner.
Tanner’s earthy scent enveloped me. His voice was in my ear. “Darlin’? Get up. Lead this fight.”
Orev dug in deeper, cawing angrily. I raised my head to see both Jesse and Tanner leaning over me. Tears blurred their faces. I wiped them away.
“I can’t,” I sobbed. “I can’t leave him.”
Tanner looked into my eyes. Whatever he saw there brought tears to his eyes. He shoved around Jesse and walked away. It didn’t take a genius to understand he’d seen the depth of my feelings for Wade.
I wanted to yell at Tanner to come back, to explain it was nothing, that he was the one I truly loved. But I knew better. I’d known the second I woke up in Wade’s bed that it would drive a wedge between Tanner and me. I cried harder as I watched him go. He’d never let me win his heart again.
Jesse leaned in close. “Listen to me. If you don’t act now, fight Oscar now, you lose. Do you want to give in to this…this blast of diarrhea shit?”
I shook my head, too flooded with sorrow to do much else. I glanced down at Wade, wishing I had five more minutes with him. I needed to speak with his ghost. I had to tell him it was okay that he couldn’t be the kind of man I needed. He’d deserved a better ending.
We all travel our road as best as we can, Wade’s voice said from inside my head.
That halted the flow of hurt. It woke up some flicker of connection at the edge of my mind. I tried to pin it down.
Ignoring Jesse tugging at me and his shouts in my ear, I let the thoughts come. Wade had done the best he could. He hadn’t been a bad man. Just a damaged one who thought he didn’t deserve better.
Like Wade, I had done the best I could. I wasn’t a bad person or a nasty supernatural thing. But I often thought I was.
The fog cleared away. I had found the root of the scar tissue. The thought that I was something unwanted, something evil.
It wasn’t a new concept. I’d heard it all my life from authority figures, peers, even my own lousy mother. But they’d been assholes. The words and rejections had hurt, yes, but it was all so much hot air.
Yet, I had internalized their hate. Why?
Because it had been reinforced by someone important. Memaw. At home, in the place of comfort and safety, Memaw had taught me to hide what I was. That it was something bad. Something dangerous.
The lessons, presented with love, had wormed their insidious way into the fabric of my being. They had become the toxic story I told myself every day of my life.
Yet Memaw had loved me with all she had. She had given her life to protect me. How could one person be both champion and tormentor?
Because she’d been human. Flawed and full of contradictions.
She’d done the best she could. The way people do when they’re faced with an impossible situation. Just like Wade when he walked out of my life and then succumbed to the one night of passion—even though he knew he couldn’t sustain it.
I saw something else, and it broke my heart. It wasn’t me who had determined Wade’s fate. It was his belief about what he was capable of as a human being. He’d chosen his own fate. I’d never know why he valued himself or his life so little.
“It doesn’t matter now.” Wade’s voice came again. “It’s over. Your takeaway is to value yourself more.”
My head snapped up to find his ghost kneeling across his body from me. He would let me see him one last time after all.
“Overcome that seed of self-hate, or it’ll consume everything you love.” He put one freezing hand on my arm.
He was right. If I didn’t let go of the self-hate, and right now, I’d be wasting this brave warrior’s life. That would be unforgivable.
I called up my memory of Memaw, of her beautiful face, her long hair going from salt and pepper to gray and then to cotton white as the cancer ate away at her. She’d taught me to hate myself. Not to be mean or because she was a bad person. But because she thought it was best.
All this time, letting go of Memaw’s teaching had felt like the ultimate betrayal. She had sacrificed so much to raise me and had loved me when nobody else did. But now I understood. I could love her and know she was wrong. Just like I could love Wade, even though I understood he’d been broken and had chosen how he’d lived and died.
“You were wrong, Memaw,” I whispered. “But I still love you.”
I went back to that door deep inside that I’d opened and walked through. The core of my magic hung suspended on the other side, the mantle and the scar tissue spell still fighting for control.
I closed my fingers around the dram hanging from my neck. It was time to drink it. With my thumb, I flicked off the cork and raised it to my mouth.
“I no longer want my seed of self-hate.” My voice came out as a little girl’s.
I upended the dram and swallowed its contents in one gulp. Fire worked its way through me. My magical core flamed to life. The scar tissue began to burn, the flames so hot they turned blue. The door I’d opened caught fire, orange and yellow licking over it as the old paint blackened.
My magical core exploded, the blast driving me back outside my body. Orange and blue flames licked over my skin. I was on fire. Burning. What had happened? I’d been so sure I’d done everything right.
My cooking skin sang with pain. Noxious barbecue-scented smoke choked my throat closed. It stung my eyes and blocked my vision. The agony took over my thoughts, turning them into a red haze.
Orev’s anguished squawks filled my ears. He was burning too, because he’d been part of me. That hurt worse than anything. I had loved him.
“She’s burning,” Shelly screamed.
“Use your coats,” Finn yelled. “Put her out.”
“Get out of the way,” Tanner shouted. Something, probably his coat, began to hit me.
I wanted to tell them not to bother. The fire was coming from inside. They’d never be able to extinguish it. But I couldn’t make my mouth work. I hunched over my legs as my family and my lover tried to beat out the flames.
Oscar shouted, “Kill them all.”
Cecil let out a bellow of rage. The ghosts who’d come to help me took up his battle cry. The sounds of battle began in earnest.
And there I squatted, burning, as my living family battled the fire and not Oscar. This was almost funny. After everything, I’d screwed up anyway and killed myself. I went back over my actions and couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong.
Now I wouldn’t get to see what it meant to be the Gregorius Witch. Just my luck.
Blackbirds flitted through my thoughts, beating at the disappointment until it seemed so much nonsense. The pain seemed further away with each passing second.
It didn’t matter how I’d messed up. I’d done my best.
Now all I needed to do was die so I could come back as a ghost and finish fighting Oscar. Even though I never quite became the Gregorius Witch, I’d still take the hunt from him. He wouldn’t win.
If this was the next thing for me, I was ready to face it.
I let my thoughts break apart then. The pain quit hurting. I let myself fall.
19
I lay in quiet darkness, more at peace than I ever remembered. All the things that had led up to this seemed a war of spun sugar and toy soldiers. I settled in to the soft comfort of this new place.
Hands tugged at me. I brushed them away.
“Get up.” Priscilla Herrera shook me.
I searched the darkness for her. Her familiar face came into focus.
“You need to finish it.” She tugged at me again.
Though I could have rested forever in this soft darkness, I knew she was right. I sat up and let her pull me to my feet. We stoo
d holding hands in front of my magical core. It was now a fiery red of glowing coals. I’d burned up, so I guess that fit.
“I’m sorry,” I told her, even though what I really felt was peace. The greatest contentment of my life.
“Sorry for what?” She waved one tattooed arm. “You’ve done it. Look at that.” She pointed at a burned-out husk, not unlike snakeskin, lying below my magical core. “That’s the scar tissue, the old you.”
I stared at her in disbelief. “But I burned to death.”
She laughed. “You’re not dead. You had to burn away the old useless part so you could take on the mantle of the Gregorius Witch.”
“Did you do this? Burn to death?” I couldn’t believe it. The pain had almost driven me mad.
“No. Every journey is different. From the day of your birth, you were the one able to ascend to half-goddess.” She beamed at me.
For the first time since we started talking about this, I didn’t feel ashamed or scared. Instead, excitement stole through me, raising a shiver. “You mean I can still do it? Be the Gregorius Witch?”
She nodded and held my hand tighter.
“What do I do? How do I get away from my burned body so I can kill Oscar?” I glanced around, seeing no exit from this silent, still place.
“Shrug off the burned skin, like an unwanted garment of old, and stand.” She came closer. “But before you do, and we merge forever, I wanted to tell you that I’m proud. We all are.”
She turned me slightly. Behind her stood many wild-eyed women of all ages and sizes. My tribe. The other witches in my line. We stared at each other. The power rose between us, heady and rich. All mine. I felt myself lifting.
“Go back.” Priscilla blew a kiss at me and faded from sight.
I understood without her telling me we wouldn’t, couldn’t, speak this way again. She’d now be part of me, as would all the other women of my line. Their knowledge brimmed in me, whispers and spells, advice and experience.
My brain shied away from the overwhelm, but I reined it in. This was my destiny, the thing I’d been born for. I listened to what the other witches of my line had to say. They explained to me about the survival of our kind.
And it boiled down to this: don’t give up, you got this.
I woke to the smell of barbecued flesh. Hannah cried somewhere nearby, loud, braying sobs. Tubby wept too.
Rainey screamed, “Help her, goddamnit.”
“It’s too late, sweet. Don’t worry about her now.” Jesse sing-songed the words the way a parent would to an overwhelmed child.
“Nooooo…” Rainey dragged out the word and ended it on a sob.
“Get up now, baby.” Memaw’s voice came from next to my ear and inside my head.
My heart stuttered. She was here. She’d come after all. Even after I’d decided she taught me the wrong things.
I tried to open my eyes and found that I either couldn’t or they’d burned up.
“It’s okay,” she comforted. "You don’t need to see me. Just know that I’m here and I’m proud of you. You did the right thing.” A cool hand, which felt great all things considered, pressed to my back. “But get up now.”
Caw, caw, caw. Orev’s call came from inside my head as well. He wanted me, us, to get up.
I began trying to stand. My burnt skin crunched. Tendons, which had drawn up in the fire, resisted my efforts.
“Oh fuck,” Rainey screamed. “Don’t let her fall over.” She let out a round of hoarse sobs. Jesse spoke soothing words, too low for me to understand.
I wanted to tell her I was okay, that I just needed help standing up, but my vocal chords didn’t work.
Feet thumped to the ground and approached me. I felt Oscar, knew him the way I’d know a fart in a car.
“That’s that,” he said. “I’ll take her magical core, unless any of you wants to die for it.”
No. He couldn’t hurt anybody else I loved. I mounted another effort to stand, this time ignoring the stretching of the cooked muscles. The stench was harder to ignore. I smelled like hotdogs left on the grill too long. I pushed past the pain and began to get to my feet, one arm reaching out blindly.
“She’s alive,” Tanner choked. He’d been crying. I didn’t have to see him to recognize it in his voice. He put his hands on either side of my waist. “It’s okay. I got you.”
Hannah cried harder.
“Get the burnt skin off me,” I rasped at Tanner. Good Tanner. Decent Tanner. Sweet enough to come to my rescue. Once this was over, I’d beg him to stay.
“Oh God, help me. She’s trying to speak,” he sobbed.
I tried to close my hand. Something cracked and fell away. What I needed to do came to me in a flash. Ignoring the resistance from my cooked muscles, I raised my arms. A silt of ash fell from them. Using both hands, I dug into what was left of my face, and pulled.
Horrified screams met my actions.
I kept right on pulling, digging with my fingers. I finally reached a hard surface, not unlike the shell of an egg. I pushed one finger through it. The crack, right next to my head, hurt my ears.
I gave a vicious yank and felt the hard shell’s rip throughout my body. One shrug of my shoulders, and the burned-out husk of the old me dropped to the ground in a pile of stinking ashes. I kicked it out of my way with one bare foot.
The sound of feathers rustling filled my head. Orev and I were one again, for right now.
Oscar Rivera stood not five feet from me. He still had a smile on his thick-lipped mouth, but it was no longer a happy smile. This smile was one of someone so shocked they can’t move their face. I walked toward him, aware I was naked and not caring.
“I’m back.” My voice carried the thunder of the hunt. I approached Wade’s still form. Someone had closed his eyes. His spirit stood next to his body.
Kill this motherfucker for me. Wade’s rumble filled my head, and I tipped him a nod.
Oscar began to back up. “We can bargain.”
Someone fell into step alongside me. Just as I had felt Oscar, I felt Sol.
“Don’t negotiate. He’s waged war against you three times now. You must kill him.” Sol’s grunts and squeals came through as plain as English. He spoke into my ear. “Recall the bargain you made with me some time ago. The time has come to fulfill it. Kill Oscar Rivera. Destroy his soul and all who helped him. Make this a horrible example for anyone else who’d like to upset the balance.” Sol was gone before his voice faded in my memory.
No problem. I kept walking toward Oscar. “Give me your headdress and sword, and I’ll make it fast.”
Oscar ran to his horse and mounted it. He turned the gray horse to face the huntsmen and the motorcycle men, who’d all frozen, either in terror or in preparation of the shit hitting the fan.
“Get them! Kill them all!” Oscar pointed at my family and me.
The hounds bayed, and a horse whinnied. The phantom motorcycles thundered to life. All the huntsmen charged.
I reached for the mantle, the power that now belonged to me, and found it ready. Vast and infinite, it bent my vision with shadows and color I’d never before noticed. A world to explore.
The huntsmen barreled toward me, all their fears and nightmares hanging over them like clouds. They didn’t know enough to shield their bruised psyches from me. Too bad for them.
I centered myself and called to the spirits who’d already come to our aid and any who wanted to join in. They assembled before me. Friends, family, enemies. The hunt rushed toward them. I poured energy into my spirits, made them into the nightmares of the huntsmen.
A cry went up from the huntsmen. The horsemen tried reining in their horses. The motorcycle men braked, back tires fishtailing. But it was too late. They raced through the wall of ghosts and nightmares, screaming. Rather than staying to fight, they fled down the road.
I jumped out of the way and watched them go, mildly annoyed. They’d have to be found and disposed of. But now wasn’t the time. Now was the time of Oscar’s reckon
ing. I turned back to him and raised my arms.
The sounds of feathers rustling echoed in the dark night. I flapped my arms as I walked toward Oscar, kicking up dust. Oscar spurred his horse, but the horse reared up and threw Oscar to the ground. He landed with a rattle of bones and metal, whatever he’d used to fuse together the thing he now was.
I took the last steps running and grabbed his headdress. I pulled as hard as I could. Oscar wrapped gloved fingers around the antlers to hold the headdress in place. He kicked at me with booted feet.
“Get out of the way,” Tanner yelled.
I let go of the headdress and took a step backward. This man was the best in the world. Even hurt and angry about whatever he’d guessed about Wade and me, here he was, fighting for me.
Tanner swung the long-handled axe he’d come with, just as he’d planned from the beginning. Oscar put both arms up and screamed. Though Tanner had thought it would take several swings, Oscar’s head popped right off. Naked bone gleamed in the ambient light. His sword dulled and rolled away from the body. I’d get that later. First the headdress.
I grabbed the antlers and shook out the skull. It thumped on the ground and rolled away. I put on the headdress. It clamped down on my head and tightened.
The weight of the headdress should have been uncomfortable, but I barely felt it. I was the mistress of the hunt. Images of chases flashed through my mind, all of them tasting like victory. Bloodlust bubbled through my veins. I stepped over Oscar’s carcass and picked up his sword off the ground. A little push of magic made the silver glow as it had for Oscar. Wearing nothing but the headdress and my power, I held the sword over my head.
“I call the Wild Hunt,” I shouted. “And these are my huntsmen.” I swept an arm behind me. Power sang through my body, eager to fill my command. I was the Gregorius Witch, owner of my own destiny. My first taste of this new power would come in the dish of revenge. I was eager for its taste on my lips.
