She had the dream again, fought it, tried to outrun it, tried to push it away, but she’d always been powerless where it was concerned. She woke up screaming, crying, trying to break free of a hold that had her nearly paralyzed.
She pushed up against a man’s far superior strength, executed a neat little twist that had her on top of him in seconds, her hands around his neck a split second later.
Then she opened her eyes and looked down and saw Alex.
Immediately she backed off, taking her hands away. He coughed and grabbed for his throat, then lay there flat on his back, breathing heavily.
“Geri,” he said, when he could, “we’re going to have to talk about this bloodthirsty streak of yours where I’m concerned.”
“God, you really can joke about everything,” she said, leaning back, breathing heavily herself. “That’s the second time I’ve almost killed you without even realizing who you were, and both times you’ve managed to joke about it.”
“What do you want me to do? Yell?”
“Most men would.”
“I’m not most men,” he insisted,
Geri sat down on the bed beside him, disjointed sounds and images from the dream flitting through her head, like a movie that hadn’t been spliced together properly. Blood. Darkness. Her own voice screaming, begging.
She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re quick,” he said appreciatively. “You think you could teach me that neat little twisting thing you did?”
“Alex.” She started to laugh then—the laugh of a woman pushed too close to the edge one too many times. “You’re the only man I’ve nearly strangled who’s lived to talk about it, and then asked me for pointers on the technique I used.”
He shrugged. “A man needs to know how to look out for himself. Especially around someone as dangerous as you. If you won’t give me a lesson, how about telling me what’s wrong, instead?”
She shook her head, trying to push the memories away. “Bad night.”
“Come on, Geri. Tell me about the nightmares. Tell me about the night you got shot.”
“I don’t talk about it,” she said, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.
“Well, I don’t know how you came up with that plan, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Do you think that you’re just going to keep assaulting any man who happens to be in bed with you when that little nightmare comes around?”
“There hasn’t been anybody in my bed, Alex. Not for a long time.”
“So you just suffer through, all by yourself? I don’t think that’s going to cut it anymore, Geri. It’s tearing you apart.”
She nodded. “I’m just nervous about what’s going to happen tomorrow. You’re going to walk into the middle of this god-awful mess, and I’m scared you won’t come out alive.”
“I think I will. Otherwise, I wouldn’t do it. It’s not like I have a death wish. In fact, I’ve got a lot to live for right now. There are a lot of things I want to do, once this is over.”
She wanted to take the conversation on to the next step, wanted to hear about all the things he wanted to do—with her. That was the ludicrous fantasy that had been floating around in her head these last few days—that Alex was everything she thought he was—devilishly smart, determined, responsible, brave. If everything he said was true, he was a hero, and she’d always been a sucker for a hero. Her father had taught her to admire bravery, dedication, someone who wasn’t afraid to make the tough decisions and to carry them out.
Alex had done all that, she suspected. Which made her even more susceptible to him than before, and it had her thinking all sorts of foolish things about what might happen if they got out of this alive. It had her thinking this might be all the time she would ever have with him. And then she thought about honesty. She’d blamed him for things that weren’t his fault. She’d hurled accusations at him left and right and sworn that she hated him, because it was so much easier than the alternative—hating herself.
“What about you, Geri? What do you want to do when this is all over?”
“I just want it to be over,” she said:
Alex rolled over onto his side, reaching out and wrapping his hand around her ankle, teasing at the back of her leg with his thumb. “Just tell me. Close your eyes and just say it. The worst part of it. Say it.”
“I haven’t talked about this with anyone,” she said. “Except when I had to, as part of the investigation after the shootings.”
“You got into trouble? Because of me?”
“The whole agency was in trouble, and when that happens, they always want an explanation. They want someone to blame.”
“And they blamed you?”
“No. My partner, mostly. I... He was trying to protect me. I wasn’t hurt as badly as he was. Everybody thought I could make it back to active duty, that he wouldn’t. I think he didn’t want this to ruin my career with the agency, and he took responsibility for what happened.”
“For what? What did you do that was so wrong?”
She pushed her hair back from her face, but then she could see him looking at her, and she couldn’t have that. So she went to turn around and face the other way, but Alex grabbed her first. He drew her down to the bed beside him, pushed her head down to his shoulder, wrapped his arms around her and said, “Try it now. Tell me all about it now.”
“Is this supposed to make everything better?”
Alex swore. “Something tells me you have been sorely neglected by the men in your life.”
“There haven’t been all that many,” she said. “And the General wasn’t exactly the nurturing type.”
“I don’t think I’m going to like the General all that much.” Alex tightened his arms around her. “But go ahead. Just tell me, babe. Open up your mouth and let it all come tumbling out.”
Could it be that simple, she wondered? Could anything ever be that simple? He held her, and everything was better? She told him all about her problems, and they magically got better? Even Alex wasn’t that good.
“Geri?” he said. “I know what it’s like to be alone. And I know that after a while, it just doesn’t work anymore.”
“It did for the longest time,” she replied. “I don’t understand how I could be fine one minute, and just...lost the next.”
“It wasn’t ever working for you,” he said. “You just managed to kid yourself about that for a while. At least, I did. Give it up, Geri. Let me in. Just a little.”
She closed her eyes, concentrated on the feel of his body pressed against hers, so solidly, with such strength. She felt so safe with him, always had. Irrationally safe, even with all those people coming after them.
That was a big part of it. She was scared about the next day, scared she was going to let everyone down, especially Alex. And she had to be honest with him now. She owed it to him.
“Remember all those times I said I hated you?” she began.
“Vividly.”
“I told myself I did, Alex. But I was lying. I hated you because it was either that or hate myself, and it was so much easier to hate you. But it was me. All that time, I hated myself even more than I hated you.”
His smile was gentle, understanding. “What do you think you did that was so wrong, babe?”
“I know it was wrong.”
“Tell me.”
“I knew something bad was going to happen that night. Dan did, too. Right from the start. You can feel it sometimes, and still you can’t stop it.”
“What happened, Geri? Who shot you? Who shot your partner?”
“A kid,” she said. “He was just a kid. And I could have stopped him. I had a shot. I just couldn’t make myself take it.”
“What was some kid doing in the middle of this?”
“It was a setup. We know that now. Dan knew it that night, and he tried to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen,” she said. “It was the middle of the night. Dan and I heard a commotion on the street—a car stereo turned
up way too loud, and then shouting from inside the car. It stopped at the corner, and all of a sudden the door came open, and somebody pushed a girl out of the car.”
Geri had to stop to take a breath. She could still see the girl’s face, too. “The girl was so afraid. One of the guys got out of the car, and the next thing I knew, he was screaming at her and holding a gun to her head. He was going to kill her. I was so sure he was going to kill her.”
“God,” Alex said, his arms tightening around her. “Tell me nobody else died that night.”
“No. I should have stayed right there. We had orders. We weren’t supposed to leave our post, no matter what.”
“So you were supposed to stand there and watch somebody put a bullet in that girl’s head?”
“We had a job to do, Alex. Protecting you and what you were working on. We had reports that people had been trying to get to you, that we should expect trouble.”
“A setup like that? A girl getting shot in front of you?”
“Anything. We were supposed to be ready for anything.”
“And not react, you mean?” Alex swore again. “You’re still human, Geri. They can’t expect you to stop being human.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I think they do. Dan knew it was a setup. He told me to stay put, and I didn’t listen. I pulled out my gun and took off, and I put him in an impossible situation. To back me up or to follow his orders.”
“He chose to back you up?”
Geri nodded. “If it happened the way you said, that’s when Tanner got inside. He would have been monitoring our radio transmissions. We’d had a few glitches in the signals earlier that didn’t seem important at the time. You always hit static and places where the signals are blocked. But looking back on it now, Tanner could have been listening. He could have engineered a little problem, just when he needed it. He’d know the instant we left our post at the front of the building. He could have kept us from telling Doc what was happening. Tanner could have gotten inside. He would have set up the security system. He’d have all the codes. And Doc wouldn’t have been surprised to see him. Tanner could have walked right up to Doc and shot him, with a gun with your fingerprints on it. It would have been easy for him.”
“So you believe me? About all of it?”
“The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. None of us was comfortable with the story we pieced together of what happened that night. Dan and I both insisted the two boys and the girl looked like D.C. gang kids, and you can imagine how eager we were to believe we’d been bested by some punk kids. Nobody wanted to believe this could be random gang violence, although there’s certainly a lot of that in D.C. But everything we came up with pointed to that—a random act of violence. But this—Tanner being involved. It all makes sense if he set this up. He would have access to every psychological profile ever done on me. Civilians caught in an operation have always been a problem for me.”
“And this is supposed to be a failing of yours? That you have a conscience? That you don’t like it when innocent people get killed? It sounds like it’s a lousy world you live in, babe.”
“A lousy job at times, but somebody’s got to do it,” she said.
He sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. There was a time when I was damned glad to have people like you looking out for me,” he said. “I’m still grateful to have you. And for what you’re going to do tomorrow. God, Geri, be careful. I’ll never forgive you if you get shot twice trying to save me.”
She almost smiled. “You won’t forgive me?”
“No way. Now finish your story.”
“Well, if Tanner was looking for a way to get me away from the front of that warehouse, he couldn’t have come up with a better scenario than an innocent girl about to get shot. Any psych profile on me would have shown him that. He could put me on duty that night when he needed me, when he knew how I’d react,” she said. “I’m sure you’re right about it. I’m sure it was Tanner.”
Alex nodded. “So you think he hired these people? To put on a show for you? And get you out of the way, so he could get to me?”
“We’ll know soon. Dan said they picked up the two guys who shot us both, and the girl, yesterday. That’s what led them to Rob Jansen.”
“You think Jansen was working with Tanner?”
“They knew each other. Jansen was engaged to Tanner’s secretary, and he did some work for the agency last year. It fits, Alex.”
“Now we just have to prove it,” he said.
“We will.” She was going to make this right, no matter what it took.
“Okay, tell me the rest of your story. You took off after the girl?”
“Yes. And Dan came after me.”
“His choice, Geri. He had a choice, just like you, and he made it. You can’t blame yourself for that”
“That’s what Dan said.”
“He’s right. You trust him, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Then believe him about this,” Alex insisted. “What happened next?”
“I ran toward the girl, caught the guy by surprise. He let go of her for a minute, and she ran into the alley. I grabbed the guy, had him facedown on the pavement. Dan took off after the girl and walked right into a trap. He put his gun away, to try to reassure the girl that she didn’t have to be scared of him, and then a second kid walked out of the shadows with his gun in our faces.” She sighed. “God, they just looked like kids, Alex. Fifteen? Sixteen? It’s obscene to see a kid that age with a gun—one he’s ready to use.”
“It is,” Alex said.
“So, there we were. The girl took off. Dan had a gun pointed in his face, but I had time. I had my gun in my hand, and I sighted it on that kid’s chest, and then I looked into his face, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pull the trigger.”
“And you hate yourself for that? Because you couldn’t shoot a kid?”
“That kid shot my partner a split second later. He very nearly killed him, and I do blame myself for that. I could have kept the whole thing from happening.”
“If you’d let them shoot that girl? Or killed the boy yourself?”
“It was a setup,” she said. “The whole thing was a setup, and it worked Perfectly. Because I did just what Tanner expected me to do.”
“Geri?” Alex shook his head. “You need to get the hell out of this line of work. You don’t want to be good at something like this. Do you?”
Geri laughed then, until she was crying. “No,” she admitted. “I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too hard. Too ugly.”
Alex held her tighter. “How did you get into this? Trying to impress Daddy?”
“I guess. He wanted a son, somebody to carry on the family name—somebody who’d be a soldier he could be proud of. And at first, I think I wanted to do it just to prove to him that I could. And then it just drew me in. The agency—”
“Wait. What agency?”
“We’re a counterterrorism agency primarily. We go in where the U.S. doesn’t want to send the military, so the government can claim it isn’t officially involved”
“You’re a spy?” he asked.
“An agent.”
“And you get off on the challenge of it? The danger?”
“I guess I did. For a while. I’m good at languages, and growing up with my father, we lived all over the world, so I know a lot about different cultures. I’m good at blending in, at taking on a personality that allows me to blend in lots of places. It’s more mental than anything else. Being quiet and careful. Planning things to the nth degree. Executing the plan. Our goal is always to get in and out without anyone knowing we’re there, without drawing a weapon. And usually it works.”
“And sometimes it doesn’t,” Alex said.
“Yes. Sometimes it doesn’t And then it’s bad. Horren-dously bad.”
“So what happens in those nightmares of yours?”
“I see that kid’s face down the sight of my gun. I know I should pull the trigger. I know what’s
going to happen if I don’t, and I still can’t do it. I just freeze up. I see Dan get shot. I see him fall. I see me lying on the ground, feel the bullet drilling into my shoulder, and then I’m crawling down that dark alley. One of my arms has gone numb, and I’m so dizzy I can hardly see, and I finally get to the spot where Dan is, and he’s so pale, so still. There was so much blood, Alex. All I could do was sit there and beg him not to die—and know that it was my fault, that I could have stopped it.
“You need to think about that,” she warned. “You’re going to walk into that trap tomorrow with me guarding your back, and who knows what I might do. I might freeze up all over again.”
“I’ll take my chances with you.”
“No, I mean it. Think. The other day, when you walked into the motel room and I had my gun drawn, it wasn’t your face I saw. It was his. That kid’s. I’ve begun to think I’ll see his face every time I draw my gun.”
Chapter 13
Alex looked at her for a long time, his gaze steady and sure. “Geri, you already saved my life once, remember? When those two men broke into the cabin, you did what you had to do.”
She hesitated. In all that had happened, she’d almost forgotten that. Two nights of that dream, and the men at the cabin had been the last thing on her mind. “It’s no guarantee I’ll be okay tomorrow,” she insisted.
“Hey, there aren’t any guarantees anywhere, are there?”
“Alex, can’t you ever be serious about anything?”
“What do you want me to say? That I don’t trust you? I do. You want me to tell you that you’re an awful person because you looked down the barrel of a gun and saw a teenager and couldn’t fire? No way I’m going to do that. I don’t want the robot, Geri. Or the agent, although she does have her moments.” He grinned. “The one I’m concerned about right now is Geri, the woman. And I like her just fine.”
“You don’t even know her,” she argued. “Most of the time, I don’t even know her. I’ve buried her so deep inside, she may never dig her way out.”
“Oh, I think I can find her.” He gave her a roguish grin. “I think I already have. She went on this wild ride with me one day on the bike, had her hands all over me. Had me so turned-on, I could hardly see straight.”
Spies, Lies and Lovers Page 18
