by HJ Welch
“Fine,” Joey said, trembling head to toe. The cold was already slicing through his thin jacket and the adrenaline was pumping through his veins. “I don’t need you, I’ve never needed you!”
He turned on his heel and walked down the street, the opposite direction to the way Gabe had gone. He should have been far enough along the street not to have heard the humiliating exchange between Joey and his family, but he wouldn’t take the risk of running into him, not after their argument.
Joey let himself cry, horribly, as his father’s jeers and mother’s weeping faded away. He could feel people looking at him through their windows, but he paid them no mind. Instead, he counted his blessings that he still had his earphones in his pocket if nothing else.
He sobbed in the darkness as the music consumed him, ignoring the rest of the world.
Now he truly had nothing.
26
Gabe
Gabe was walking aimlessly. Seriously, fuck this week.
What the hell had just happened? First, he got treated completely outrageously by Lewis, but stood his ground because he knew how much he’d come to care for Joey. He tried to tell Joey this, and the little shit breaks up with him? Which, of course, was his right if that’s how he really felt, but did he have to be so nasty about it?
If Gabe had expected anyone to understand what it feels like to have your personal life twisted and demonized by the public, it would have been Joey. Except, he’d acted totally disgusted and didn’t even want to give Gabe a chance to explain.
Gabe scrubbed his face again and took a deep breath of freezing night air. This hurt more than he could have imagined. He wanted to run back to Joey and demand he listen, that they hash this out properly. But his dad had come out looking like a raging bull, and Gabe just hadn’t had the energy to deal with a homophobic asshole as well.
That caused him a twinge of worry. What had Joey had to cope with once Gabe had left?
Gabe scoffed and shook his head. He couldn’t look after Joey too. He had to put himself first for once in his goddamned life. The sad truth was Joey had probably been eager for an excuse to run away and not even try to be a couple. He’d always made his views on a cozy, small-town life painfully clear. Because Gabe didn’t want the hustle and bustle of a big cosmopolitan he was never going to be good enough for someone like Joey.
He angrily rubbed at his sore eyes under his glasses. He needed to stop crying, now. If this was how Joey really was, it was better to find out now rather than several months down the line. This was just a blip. Gabe had said when he and Lewis split that he wanted to work on how to be single. He never intended to fall so hard and fast for Joey.
For now, he just needed to focus on getting through these shitty accusations, keeping his job and then maybe in the new year he could consider dating again.
The idea of dating someone who wasn’t Joey brought a fresh wave of tears, but he forced them back down. He was just sad for the imagined ‘what if,’ not Joey himself, he was sure. He didn’t know Joey enough to be this fucking devastated.
He pulled his phone out. For the briefest of moments, he hoped Joey might have messaged to apologize, to ask him to come back. But of course there was nothing.
Gabe considered calling his mom and dad, but they wouldn’t be able to help much. Plus, it was pretty late, they’d probably be asleep. Instead, he hit Mitch’s number.
“Hey, son,” he said on the third ring. “How’s it going?”
“Hey, Mitch,” Gabe said, hearing his voice catch. “Uh, sorry, I know this is a massive intrusion, and if you’re busy no worries at all, it’s just, uh-”
“Do you want to come round for dinner, Gabriel?”
Gabe stopped and smiled up into the falling snow. He choked back a sob. “That would be awesome,” he said emphatically. “I can grab some beer on my way.”
“No need, we have plenty,” Mitch insisted. “Just get your butt over here, okay?”
Gabe thanked him and made his way to the nearest bus stop. Normally, he’d walk it over town, but with the snow and bitter wind, he thought it best to get a ride most of the way instead.
He didn’t look at anyone on the bus. He didn’t want to risk seeing a look of recognition or disgust. He just kept his eyes down and his breathing steady.
It was amazing, he noticed in a detached sort of way, how much Joey’s cruel words cut deeper than the man he thought he’d loved for five years letting him down completely. It was like he’d never known either of them at all, but Joey had felt like the missing piece to his heart. Now his heart was just in tatters, bleeding out into his chest.
He grimaced as he disembarked from the bus and decided to leave the full-on anatomical imagery for the medical dramas. His heart was just fine, pumping away like it always did. Just like Gabe would. He’d keep on with his life just as he had before.
Mitch and his wife lived in a nice part of town. Not the flashiest, but they had a three-story house and a newish car parked in the driveway that worked great. They even had enough left in the bank to go on a few vacations each year. So Gabe didn’t feel too much of an imposing heel as he rang the bell.
Mitch pulled him into a hug as soon as he opened the door, then pressed an icy beer into Gabe’s already-cold hand. “Come on in, son. Tell us all about it.”
Gabe chuckled and let Mitch and his wife Mary-Lou fuss over him. Their house was toasty warm, making Gabe glad he’d left the heat on for Duchess back at his own place. Gabe was greeted not only by the Curtises but by their fat, old chocolate Labrador, Timmy, and purring black cat Lotus.
Mary-Lou had made spaghetti with meatballs and they’d waited for Gabe to arrive to serve. So he was immediately ushered into a seat in their dining room and presented with a huge bowl of beef and pasta.
Gabe moaned as he took the first bite. Mary-Lou’s cooking was even better than his own mom’s, although he’d never admit that out loud. This was just what he needed after such a terrible day.
Mitch allowed him to get through about half his plate without probing for answers. Mitch and Mary-Lou argued good-naturedly about feeding the dog at the table. Or rather, Mitch told Mary-Lou off every time she held out half a meatball for Timmy on her fork, and Mary-Lou raised her eyebrows as if she had no idea what he was talking about.
Lotus managed to climb on the table from every single route possible, hopefully sniffing at the cheese sauce on whoever’s plate was closest. Mitch never paused or blinked each time he picked the cat up and placed him back on the floor, only to have to repeat the action thirty seconds later. Gabe guessed the only solution was for everyone to eat their meals as fast as possible. He was okay with that.
When Gabe started to slow down and his beer needed replenishing, Mitch pushed again. “Go on then,” he said, leaning back and rubbing his own belly absently. “I’m guessing you’re not all in a twist because of Debbie Slater’s nonsense. Unless…has she done something else?”
Gabe sighed and looked between them. They’d always been there for Gabe in the years he’d been working for Mitch, even more so since his parents’ retirement.
So he didn’t feel he needed to hold anything back. After assuring them that Debbie hadn’t upped her accusations, yet, he launched into recounting his god-awful afternoon and evening, all the while stroking old Timmy’s head. From Lewis’s pushiness to his downright deplorable change of heart once Gabe refused to try dating again. Then how hard it was to see Max and let him go again. His realization about his feelings towards Joey…then the gut-wrenching rejection he’d experienced on his front doorstep.
“I just don’t get it,” said Gabe, now on his third beer. He wasn’t really interested in drinking it though as much as he was picking off the label. “I really thought we had something going between us. I…” he faltered, but a masochistic part of him wanted to say it out loud. “I thought I loved him. I think I love him.” Because despite the vile words they’d exchanged, he did still feel like he was in love with Joey.
&n
bsp; Urgh, that was annoying. Why couldn’t he have just been a rebound fling? Gabe tore another strip of the label off.
Mary-Lou stopped his hand from fidgeting by placing a fork in it and a plate of tiramisu where he’d not even noticed his pasta had disappeared from. “Maybe you just need to talk with him again, when you’re both a little more coolheaded?”
Gabe rolled his hands. “What else is there to say?”
Mary-Lou glanced at Mitch as he picked Lotus up and let him settle in his lap. “Sounds like neither of you said much at all,” she said kindly.
“I think this boy is scared,” said Mitch. “Terrified, actually. You come along and you’re a damn fine young man. He’s probably used to being treated like crap by everyone, not just his family.”
Gabe sighed. “Yeah, I did think that,” he admitted.
“Send him a text, at least,” Mary-Lou urged, sipping her beer. “Tell him there’s no truth to the rumors and that he means so much to you. Maybe he just needs time to hear it on his own.”
Mitch was nodding. “Men can be stubborn creatures,” he said with a chuckle, glancing at Mary-Lou. She poked his arm affectionately. “Obviously we don’t want you getting hurt, and maybe this guy isn’t the one for you. But, if you really think you love him, he might be worth trying again?”
Gabe wanted that so badly. He’d already missed Joey enough this week; it had been so wonderful to see his face when he’d opened the door earlier. Then it had all gone south so fast.
He nodded. “I want to text him,” he said, reaching for his phone.
Mitch smiled and Mary-Lou nodded. “We’ll give you a minute,” she said.
Gabe was grateful. He watched them slip outside and share a cigarette. They’d been together forever, and they were still so happy.
It took him ages to work out what he wanted to say, with many drafts discarded and rewritten. In the end, he decided to be honest and keep it simple.
Whatever you heard about me being unfit for work isn’t true, it’s just homophobic bullshit, I promise. Please don’t let this tear us apart. I’ve missed you so much this week. If you want, I’d really like to talk again. Gabe xxx
He had written and erased ‘I love you’ from the end so many times. But in the end, Gabe decided if he was going to tell Joey that, he wanted to do it in person, so he could see his reaction. So Joey could see how much he meant it. Those weren’t empty words to be thrown around in an apology. The first time you said ‘I love you’ to a person was important.
Gabe hit send, then placed his phone down on the table to wait.
27
Joey
Joey’s phone died halfway through ‘The Show Must Go On’ by Queen, which he thought was somewhat ironic.
He knew he probably should have saved the battery and not used any apps until he worked out how he was going to charge it again. But his music was the only thing that could keep him calm, of that he was certain. It took him away from the miserable circumstances in which he’d found himself.
Six hours ago, he was on top of the world. Now he had no money, no home, no phone unless he got a charger, no way to contact Martha about the audition. Oh, yeah, and no fucking boyfriend.
He was stunned that Gabe had reacted so hostile towards him. Joey would have expected him to be at least be a little bit sheepish. He wished he knew what the full story was. Had Gabe been seeing Lewis this whole time? Or had they just reconnected because they missed each other too much?
He angrily wiped tears away from his face; he couldn’t afford to get any colder than he already was. His hands were trembling badly as he shoved his useless phone and earbuds into his jacket pocket.
If only he had a hat or scarf, anything to cover his head. The snow was falling thicker now and his shoes were getting soaked. Earlier, he’d sat in one of the cafés he’d passed just to try and warm up a little. They’d let him stay and sip a glass of water. But after midnight he was the only patron and they’d had to close up, leaving him back on the street.
He just had to make it through the night. Then he could try and hitchhike into the city in the morning. There was bound to be a phone shop there that would let him charge his phone for a bit, or if not maybe a bar or a hotel?
Once he had a bit of juice, he was calling Blake, pride be damned. Joey had made it this far, but he had nothing at all now; he was at rock bottom. Blake wouldn’t judge him. He’d wire him some money, maybe even get him a bus ticket to Cincinnati so he could stay with him and Elion for a while.
The thought of a friendly face brought a fresh sob from Joey’s chest. He stumbled as he tried to wipe the tears away again. He’d been walking the streets for hours and his feet were aching. Maybe it would be a blessing if they went numb from the cold?
He desperately wanted to sleep, but he was too afraid to. Someone could hurt him if he just laid down on a bench in the park. Greenwich was probably a safer place to rough it than New York City, but he was reluctant to take his chances all the same. This town had been nothing but a vindictive bitch to him his whole life. He didn’t trust it to leave him be, not even for a few hours.
He tried to guess the time. He’d sold his watch back in L.A., so generally relied on his phone for a clock. He’d not looked at it since he’d left the café at just past one, merely leaving his music to shuffle itself. He’d been walking a couple of hours at least before the phone had finally given out. So that put him at three, maybe four o’clock? The sun wouldn’t rise until after seven.
“Fuck,” he said out loud, his voice croaky.
Three more hours, without any music to coax him through it. Maybe he should head to the highway now? He really, really didn’t want to risk getting in a truck with a stranger. It seemed like one of the most stupid and dangerous things he could do. But he couldn’t stand the idea of asking anyone around here for help again.
Which way should he head? He seemed to have lost his bearings, but that was unlikely as he knew these streets inside and out. It must have been the snow throwing him off. But he couldn’t decide which way was towards town, and which would lead to the interstate. He closed his eyes and tried to stop his whole body trembling so violently.
His hands were so cold they were painful in his pockets. He took them and cupped them in front of his mouth to breathe on before shoving them under his arms. Now he was no longer listening to constant music he realized how much his teeth were chattering in his head.
Keep walking, just keep going, he said to himself. The more he moved, the warmer he’d be. His head hurt, but that was no surprise given how much he’d cried.
He should have known this would happen eventually with his dad. The bastard had been itching to kick him out since the moment he’d come back. Joey suspected he’d only lasted this long because his old man had enjoyed tormenting him. But the scene on the porch had evidently shamed him one step too far.
It wasn’t like all the neighbors weren’t already fully aware Martin Sullivan had a little faggot for a son. Joey had to say he’d never really had that much hassle from them, aside from the odd stare. But he’d been a popstar, so part of him hoped their curiosity was from that too. Not just the fact he liked to fuck other men.
To listen to his father’s drunken rants though, a person would be forgiven for thinking all they did was laugh themselves silly over what a failure his dad was for having a queer kid. “At least we got one normal boy,” he’d said to his mom more times than Joey could care to remember.
Even after everything he’d been through, Joey refused to accept that he wasn’t normal. There was nothing wrong with him. Everybody had different tastes as to whom they were attracted to. As far as he saw it, liking men was no different to liking blondes, or women with big boobs.
He wouldn’t let his dad influence him. He’d had people on social media telling him to kill himself almost every day for five years. That kind of thing was easier to ignore online, it was true, but his dad wasn’t being as shocking as he thought he was. Joey could deal wit
h it.
He just wished he didn’t have to. He wished he didn’t come from a family where hate was the norm. Where he was now fearful of what he’d left his own mother to face. Hopefully, his dad wouldn’t take out his frustrations on her, or god forbid, the baby. If there was any luck in the world, his dad would feel victorious now he’d finally got rid of Joey for good, and leave it at that.
Joey wasn’t an idiot, he knew most people had crappy folks. Blake’s were no picnic, and TJ and Reyse were both estranged from at least one of their parents. Raiden’s were actually okay, but out of five guys, it was only fair that one of them didn’t get screwed by their families.
Joey rubbed his arms as his body was wracked with uncontrollable shivers. He needed to warm up, just a little. His eyes were drooping every other step now and he was fighting to stay awake despite being upright. He didn’t know what to do though?
Nowhere was open. This wasn’t like New York City where you could always find something. Greenwich was eerily quiet. The only sounds he could hear were his damp shoes squeaking in the snow and the wind rustling the branches whenever he found himself near any trees. There were no cars, no wildlife, and certainly no people.
It was no real surprise to him that in the bleakest moment of his life, Joey was alone and in the dark.
He was too tired to cry anymore. He’d been trying to walk to the highway, but he must have got turned around, because the same park where he’d seen Gabe and Lewis was looming up ahead.
Fuck it. The bench the two of them had occupied was under a tree. That meant that it would be relatively sheltered from the snow. It wouldn’t hurt him to sit for a while; Joey had been walking for hours. Plus, he got a perverse sort of kick out of sitting where he’d learned the truth about Gabe.
He sank down on the cold, wet wood with a modicum of relief. At least his feet would get a rest, even if he wasn’t much warmer. He touched the seat below him.
