Now Lauren met my eyes and I had my answer.
“That’s it?” I wasn’t sure what hurt more: that Greg threw me under the bus to get at Dad or that he knew I was the way to do it.
“I think so.” Her voice was resigned. “He swears he didn’t know about the reporter. But he was so mad when Dad promoted the other foreman.…”
“You sat there listening to Dad give me a hard time and your husband leaked it?”
Lauren’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry—”
“Damn right you should be sorry.” I was breathing fast, which was sending stabbing pains through my ribs, but I was too pissed off to care.
She said, “I tried to tell you a couple of times, but I was worried Greg would lose his job and Dad would be mad and—”
“Treat you like crap?”
“He’s the only father I have.”
“He’s the only one I have too, Lauren.”
Lauren stared at the blanket on my bed and her face turned sad.
“I know things were different for you,” she said. “It’s not right how he treats you.”
I was silent, all my angry words dying in my throat.
“I’m sorry. I never stuck up for you when we were growing up. None of us did.”
Now I was the one crying. “You were just a kid.”
“But I’m not now.” She took a deep breath. “I’ll tell Dad.”
“He’ll fire Greg.”
“I’m tired of hiding. I have to make some changes in my life. You’re more important—you’re my sister.” Her eyes met mine. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” And then I realized I was. I had everything I needed.
* * *
My last visitor in the hospital was the last person I expected to see. As I flipped through channels on the TV, there was a light rap on the door. I glanced over, thinking it was one of the nurses, and saw Julia standing there. She looked elegant in a white linen pantsuit. She also looked really uncomfortable.
“May I come in?”
It took me a moment to find my voice.
“Sure, of course.” I clicked off the TV. “Have a seat.” I nodded to the chair beside the bed, but she moved to stand near the window. She fiddled with one of the flowers in the vase, plucking a petal off and rolling it in her fingers. Finally she turned and said, “I haven’t spoken to you since you killed him.…” Her voice drifted off and I fought the urge to fill in the silence. Why are you here? Are you happy he’s dead? Do you still hate me?
“I wanted to thank you,” she said. “I can sleep now.” Before I could respond she met my eyes. “Katharine’s moved out.”
Not sure why she was sharing this, I said, “I’m sorry.”
Her face turned reflective. “It was easy to blame everything wrong in my life on him.”
“What he did was—”
“He’s gone now. And I see now, things I’ve done—what it did to people around me. How I pushed them away.…” Her eyes fixated on the photo on my side table. “Is this your daughter?”
“That’s Ally, yes.”
“She’s very pretty.”
“Thanks.” She was still staring at the photo when my mom came into the room with the coffee I’d asked for a few minutes ago. When she saw Julia she startled.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll come back.”
“It’s fine, Mom. Please stay.”
Julia’s face flushed and she gripped her purse. “I should go.”
I said, “Wait a second. Please.” She stiffened. “Julia, I’d like you to meet my mother, Carolyn.”
Mom looked from Julia to me and her face lit up. I gave her a smile, my eyes telling her everything I wanted to say. She smiled back.
She turned to Julia and reached out her hand. I held my breath. Julia extended hers. Mom held it for a moment with both of her hands and said, “Thank you for giving her to us.”
Julia blinked a couple of times, but she said, “You must be proud. She’s a brave young woman.”
“We’re very proud of Sara.” Mom smiled and my throat tightened.
Julia said again, “I should go.” She turned to me. “I still have my father’s woodworking tools. When you’re better you can come have a look if you like. There might be something you want.”
“Sure. That would be great.” I was as surprised by the offer as I was by the fact that my creative side might not have come from John after all.
She nodded briskly and strode out of the room.
Mom looked at me and said, “She seems nice.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“She comes across a little angry. But she reminds me of your father.”
“How are you seeing that?”
“They act angry when they’re scared.” She settled into the chair by my bed. “Do you know your father stayed by your side all last night while you slept?” She smiled, then looked back at the door Julia had just exited. “You have her hands.”
* * *
Yesterday I was making Ally breakfast and just as I served her pancakes with extra blueberries and whipped cream—I’ve been spoiling the heck out of her—I moved too fast. Ally saw me wince.
“Poor Mommy. What cheers you up when you’re sick?”
“You cheer me up.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s a joke.”
My heart started to flutter.
She said in a singsong voice, “What cheers you up when you’re sick?”
I played along.
“Pickles?”
“A get wellephant card!” She dissolved into giggles.
“Where did you hear that joke?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged her little shoulders. “I like jokes.” She grinned with her gap-toothed smile, and I wanted to tell her those jokes were silly. I wanted to take any part of John that’s in her and pull it out. But as I watched her take a big bite of her pancake, her face still in smiles, I thought about a father who didn’t let his little boy tell jokes.
“I like them too, Ally.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book would not have been possible without the help of some amazing people who shared their time and knowledge. Without them, and the countless cups of tea and bowls of popcorn that were consumed during the writing of this novel, I wouldn’t have made it through. First, I’d like to thank my aunt, Dorothy Hartshorne, for brainstorming sessions and “this-or-that?” e-mails, and my uncle, Dan Hartshorne, for teaching me about firearms. Once again, a big thank-you to Renni Browne and Shannon Roberts, whose valuable feedback always takes my writing to the next level. I’m also deeply grateful to my critique partner, Carla Buckley, a true friend and a brilliant writer who keeps me cyber-company on those long, lonely days at the keyboard.
For sharing their professional expertise, I’d like to thank Constable J. Moffat, Staff Sergeant J. D. MacNeill, Doug Townsend, Dr. E. Weisenberger, Nina Evans-Locke, and Garry Rodgers, who all generously shared their time. You can be sure any mistakes are mine. Special thanks to Tamara Poppitt, who taught me about six-year-old girls; Sandy Jack, who read my first draft and let me use Eddie, her French bulldog, for inspiration; and Stephanie Paddle, who didn’t laugh when I asked strange medical questions—and trust me, they were usually strange.
A writer needs a strong support system and I’m blessed to have that in my agent, Mel Berger, who always answers my questions and epic e-mails with wit and wisdom. Graham Jaenicke also provided much-needed support and e-mail entertainment. I feel very lucky to be working with St. Martin’s Press and my editor, Jen Enderlin, whose insights are always bang on, even if I’m sometimes slow to see the light. My gratitude also to Sally Richardson, Matthew Shear, Lisa Senz, Sarah Goldstein, Ann Day, and Loren Jaggers. Thanks to my Canadian publicist, Lisa Winstanley, who deserves all the hamburgers in the world for her color-coded schedules.
I’d like to thank Lisa Gardner and Karin Slaughter for going above and beyond to help out a new author. Don Taylor, yo
u’re a true gentleman. I’d also like to thank my foreign publishers, who take my vision and share it with the rest of the world. A special thanks to Cargo, who brought me to Amsterdam. I came home inspired and ready to write.
As well, I’m grateful to my friends and family who make this all worth it and who understand when I drop off the face of the earth for months. Last, but never least, my husband, Connel, my rock when the rest of the world is spinning.
Also by Chevy Stevens
Still Missing
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
NEVER KNOWING. Copyright © 2011 by René Unischewski. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.stmartins.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Stevens, Chevy.
Never knowing / Chevy Stevens. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-312-59568-5
1. Adoptees—Fiction. 2. Women—Identity—Fiction. 3. Fathers and daughters—Fiction. 4. Serial murderers—Fiction. 5. British Columbia—Fiction. 6. Psychological fiction. I. Title.
PR9199.4.S739N48 2011
813'.6—dc22
2011006370
First Edition: July 2011
eISBN 978-1-4299-2512-9
First St. Martin’s Press eBook Edition: July 2011
Table of Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Session One
Session Two
Session Three
Session Four
Session Five
Session Six
Session Seven
Session Eight
Session Nine
Session Ten
Session Eleven
Session Twelve
Session Thirteen
Session Fourteen
Session Fifteen
Session Sixteen
Session Seventeen
Session Eighteen
Session Nineteen
Session Twenty
Session Twenty-One
Session Twenty-Two
Session Twenty-Three
Session Twenty-Four
Acknowledgments
Also by Chevy Stevens
Copyright
Never Knowing Page 35
