by Jenny Wood
“I’m almost done, babe.” He grunted in my ear, his sweaty body moving back and forth on me. “Oh, yeah, babe. Feels so good.” He groaned, dropping his head to the back of my neck, his arms going around my middle, his pace quickening. “You feel so good, Foss.” Foss. My name was Foster, but for some reason, I could never explain, he never called me that. Foss, or Fossy, but mostly, Babe. Never my name.
I try to hold my breath until it’s over, somehow thinking that if I can brace my body against the internal beating it was currently taking, it might hurt a little less. I’d watched porn before, I’d seen it feel good to people on the receiving end, but I didn’t understand why it wasn’t feeling good to me. I’d hinted to Jeffery once, about not getting off during sex with him, but he got really upset. He said “maybe you’re not really gay,” “Maybe there’s something wrong with you?” “Maybe you’re just not good at it.” I had to admit, I’d thought those same things, especially at times like these. I closed my eyes and hoped he’d be finished soon.
“Ready for me, babe?” He hissed into my ear. I think I said yes, it was hard to tell. He didn’t need an answer anyway; with three solid, painful thrusts, he emptied inside me. It was stupid of me, I knew that, but he was the only person I’d ever been with, and he swore to me there was no one else. At twenty-five years old and having been completely on my own, until recently, I’d talked myself into trusting him. I’m ashamed to admit that I liked him because he paid so much attention to me. Now that he was done with my body, he’d lay beside me and hold me. He’d say sweet things to me and caress my skin until I relaxed. Sometimes he’d let me fall asleep in his bed, and even though he rolled away from me at night, I liked knowing someone was beside me as I slept.
“I hate to cut this short, babe; but I have a big meeting in the morning that I’m not prepared for at all, so I need to hit it. I’ll call you tomorrow though, maybe if I get done early enough, I can come over for dinner.” He was dismissing me. I’d not even got to the good part of the night, and he was already dismissing me. He had a valid excuse though; he worked a lot. Work often kept him away for a day or two, especially when he had big cases to prepare for. The life of a lawyer, I guess.
“Okay, well…” I’d started to say, only to be interrupted by a chaste kiss on my lips and for him to turn away.
“Tonight was great, but I really need to sleep for a couple of hours. Tomorrow?” He’d suggested without giving me a chance even to answer. He flipped out his blanket and pulled the cover over himself and flicked his bedside lamp off without anymore acknowledgment of me. I guess that was that.
I tried to be quiet as I searched for my clothes, which were stripped off of me while walking down the narrow hallway of Jeffery’s condo. I dressed quietly in the dark of his moderately sized place and slipped away without having a chance to clean up or get myself together. The walk back to my little one-room apartment would give me a chance to shake off the shitty feeling that I felt after hoping for a little bit more and not getting it. I understood that Jeffery’s job was important and I hated being needy or selfish, Sometimes I felt guilty for wanting more time with him, but it felt like lately, he’d been backing away. I hated that.
I’d met Jeffery when the company I work for catered a charity event in which Jeffery attended. His eyes followed me all night, and he popped up, it seemed like every time I turned around. His smile was blinding and beautiful, and the wicked look in his eye as he flirted hopelessly with me was my undoing. Since losing my mother to a drug overdose when I was fourteen and never having met my father; I’d not had anyone look at me in any sort of way that mattered. He asked me several times that night for my number, but I’d refused. I wasn’t supposed to interact with any of the guests, not like that, and I couldn’t afford to lose my job. It barely paid enough to keep me in my tiny little efficiency apartment. Especially since every penny I earned otherwise was going towards paying off my student loans from the three years I’d spent at my local community college. I worked for a catering company at the moment, but what I really wanted to do, was open my own bakery. I couldn’t cook worth a shit, but I could bake amazing cakes and other treats and paint them to be beautiful. I made a work of art out of every piece, and I enjoyed seeing people enjoy them. Between paying off my loans and putting a little extra away each week to hopefully someday pay for said bakery; I was frugal, to say the least, and my apartment showed. Still, I didn’t need much, and I was used to having a lot less.
It took me a long time to get my GED because after losing my mother, I went into hiding. I hid from social workers and any kind of authority, knowing they’d likely put me in group homes or with foster people; and I’d had my own horror stories about those. Because my mom often left me alone and I didn’t always have clean or fitting clothes, we got visited more than once by social workers in my life. In order to avoid them, I stayed moving during the day and found a shelter for the night only, or slept under a bridge or an overpass. I walked far and wide; sometimes I wasn’t even sure which town I was in. I had to wonder when the nights got bad and too cold to sleep outside, if a group home or foster care would’ve been better than being cold, hungry and scared. I stayed that way for a lot of years, mostly scared.
Thankfully, the classes I could take for my GED were free and in a heated building in a small town in Georgia. I was originally from Louisiana. I’d gone in on a chance one night, hoping nobody would notice my ratty clothes or messy, greasy hair and tell me to get lost. The instructor though was the nicest woman I’d ever met, and I think it helped that I was so eager to learn. I knew that if I wanted to change my circumstance, that I needed an education. People didn’t hire guys who dropped out of school at fourteen. It took almost a year for me to complete classes and round up the hundred and twenty dollars it took to pay for the test. I’d earned it legally twice, but once it got stolen at a shelter from right out of my shoe; and once I think it just slipped out of my sock while I was walking. I didn’t notice it missing until I found a small lake to sleep at that night. I’d walked miles that day; I couldn’t retrace my steps, not even for that much cash.
Once I got my GED and enrolled in college, I qualified for all types of assistance. Grants and loans were my saving grace, plus a girl in one of my business classes hooked me up with her brother, and I’d gotten the job at my current place of employment; Skye’s the Limit.
My boss, Anderson Skye let me work around my schedule and he gave me all the shifts I could handle. I made sure to be damn good at my job, and it was technically the first one I’d “legally” ever had. Legal- as in, not gotten paid under the table and had to pay taxes and stuff. I’d need it for references in the future, as well as income to live, so, I wasn’t going to mess it up. Fortunately, Jeffery didn’t give up. He hired our company to cater a small get together he was throwing a few days later and requested me as a server. Because it was a made-up gathering, when I arrived with enough food to feed a family of six their brunch, I was beyond surprised when he invited me to sit and eat with only him. I couldn’t be rude and say no, and to be honest, I was a little more than impressed. I couldn’t believe he’d done that just for a chance at spending time with me. We talked and ate and laughed, and when it was time for me to leave, he gave me the smallest kiss on the side of my lips. As first dates go, that one was pretty fantastic.
Of course, I’d given him my phone number after all that, but I didn’t often answer his calls. The phone I had was only for emergencies, as I paid a shit ton for it by the minute. Thankfully, texting was free, so for the next three weeks, that’s all we did. I finally gave in and agreed to dinner, and that turned into another one, which turned into a movie and a romantic walk under the stars. He seemed to enjoy the time we spent together, and I know that I did. He’d kiss me goodnight after every date and never pushed for more. A month into our dating, I’d finally given in and went to bed with him. He still had never pushed, and he never got frustrated when I put the brakes on things; but I was nervous. I’d never done it before
, I’d never had the time or privacy for more, and I wasn’t doing any of that while I stayed on the street. I didn’t want to be bad at it and mess up what we had. He seemed like the best thing that had ever happened to me. I had someone that cared about me and liked spending time with me. I was scared to death of ruining it.
The first time we were together was a disaster. I actually cried. The pain was simply unbearable. Spit and his fingers hurt, so I knew once he got inside me, that it was going to be ten times worse. It wasn’t; it was even worse than that. Thankfully, he stopped when I asked him to, but it was also the first time he’d actually gotten angry with me. Gone was the patient, kind man who’d taken me out and showed me what it was like when someone did something nice for you. I could become addicted to the attention. Because I’d never had it before, I was willing to put up with a lot to keep it; unfortunately, losing my virginity when not properly prepared wasn’t one of them, because that shit hurt!
“Are you kidding me? Do you know how hard it is to stop once you get going? Did you do that on purpose?” He asked, eyes narrowing as he jumped off the bed and threw my shirt on the bed for me to put it on. My body was shaking, and I was beyond embarrassed. He’d taken me out to a romantic dinner and ordered me the most delicious chocolate mousse desert. I didn’t often get treats like that because fancy restaurants and desserts weren’t in my budget. Not unless I was baking them for someone else, as I sometimes did for a little extra money here and there. A birthday party for a co-worker’s kid or a friend’s baby shower. It wasn’t often, but the extra money helped. So it was a nice gesture that I appreciated; I told him so as well. I always told him when I appreciated the nice things he did for me because I knew I wasn’t in a place where I could do the same financially, He never seemed to care about things like that, though. And really, I did want to give him that…to give him me. I just didn’t know it was going to be like that.
When I pulled my clothes on, so close to tears, he sunk onto his bed and hung his head. He’d looked so disappointed, and I hated myself right then. He’d given me such a nice time, and I’d disappointed him.
“I’m sorry,” I told him softly from the doorway, wondering if I had it in me to ever try that again. I’d really messed up, and I worried he was going to break it off. Our relationship had been newish, and I hadn’t had the time yet, to show him that I could be worth the trouble. I hated myself just a little bit right then too because I knew somewhere deep down that I deserved better. Still, I didn’t want it to end and have to go back to being alone.
“No, I’m sorry. I’m a dick.” He said, standing up coming towards me. My body froze until I could see what he was going to do. I was surprised when he pulled me into his arms and hugged me. “I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I was mean, and it wasn’t your fault. You’ve never done this before, have you?” I shook my head, I hadn’t ever done it before, and I was ashamed that he’d figured that out. How could he not have, though, after what just happened?
“I should’ve taken more time with you. Made it good for you.” He commented, kissing me tenderly on the lips. I wanted to apologize again, tell him I’m sorry that I ruined things with my inexperience. Instead, he stripped me of my clothes again as he kissed me and we rubbed off against each other in his bed. Afterwards, he apologized again and wrapped me in his arms as I slept, for the first time in longer than I could remember without complete dread about what I was going to wake up to. I felt happy for the first time in a long time.
The next time we were together, he’d taken a little bit of time with me; massaging my back and helping me relax. He stretched me with his fingers for a few minutes before telling me that, being that it was my first time, it was going to hurt. He promised it’d get easier, the more we done it. So far, that hadn’t been the case. And then tonight, the third time was no better but definitely not worse; that had to count for something, right?
I wondered if being on the bottom was something that I had to do and I wondered what Jeffery would say if I asked to be on top the next time. I wouldn’t hurt him; I’d experienced that myself, there’s no way I’d do that to someone else. Food for thought I guess. I told myself, I’d talk with him about it later.
My little apartment was chilly when I’d walked the thirteen blocks home and let myself in. I didn’t use the air conditioning or heating when I wasn’t home, and I’d had a long shift today at the country club where Jeffery picked me up from. I was glad to be home. I didn’t have much, but everything I did have was mine, and everything in here I paid for with my own money. I took pride in my things because I’d earned them. I worked hard for all of it.
After a quick shower that was more cold than warm, I grabbed my phone and shot Jeffery a text to let him know that I’d made it home. I didn’t expect him to answer because I’d left him going to sleep, so I was a little bit surprised when he shot back and immediate, “K.” Maybe he’d stayed awake to make sure I made it; though he didn’t ask me to text him. I for some reason always did. Secretly, I think because I hoped that he cared. I told myself he did.
In a way, it’s good I didn’t stay with Jeffery. I had to be at work a little early in the afternoon because we were doing a job for a charity fund raiser for a children’s home. I loved fund raisers for things like that; it made the hectic day I was going to have, completely worth it.
I seriously hoped that one day I’d be able to open my own place. I wanted a life like Jeffery’s, where I could go to dinner without having to calculate menu prices before making a selection or to buy a car that wasn’t twenty years old with a mess of problems. The first and only car I’d bought set me back twelve hundred dollars, and it broke down within six months. The transmission all but fell out of it, and it cost more than it was worth to fix it. I decided to junk it and keep what little money I got from it in savings. There wasn’t much there, but enough for an emergency if one came about. I hoped one never did because it was also all I had saved up for my future bakery.
Sliding into my small but comfortable bed, I’d finally started to get warm. I wondered how late the event was going to go on tomorrow, because I didn’t want to have to call and cancel on Jeffery, not after the disappointing night tonight. I also wondered what I was going to do about dinner since he’d said he’d stop by for that. Letting my mind wander through the ingredients I currently had sitting in my almost barren fridge or my half empty cabinets, I made an internal list of what I’d need to make something edible. My eyes closed on their own and exhaustion of the day took me away before anything came to mind.
Wade
Me: I have nothing to wear to this thing.
I shot a text to Conner. All week I’d thought of excuse after excuse to come up with to ditch this thing. I didn’t like crowds, and I hated being social. I always felt like someone was going to see through the bullshit wall I had around my fucked-upedness.
Conner: Do you have a button up and nice pants? I could bring you something of Kayson’s if you want.
I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to go at all. Still, I had a button up black shirt and a nice pair of slacks that I’d bought and worn once, for the interview at the station about six months ago when I’d first got here. I’d stayed with my cousin Shelby until I got a couple months’ rent together and rented this house. I had the option to buy after two years but wasn’t sure I’d be sticking around that long. I’d never been in one place for so long, not since I graduated high school and enlisted.
I got dressed and sent Conner a picture of what I had on, hoping it was good enough. He sent back some fire emoji’s and something that looked like a sweating face. I took that as a good sign; these guys were weird.
Plopping down on the couch with my dress shoes, I figured the chances of me getting out of this was pretty much nil.
Jody: You want us to grab you on our way?
Me: Nah, I’ll drive. Thanks though.
It was nice of him to ask, but I wanted a way to escape when I’d had enough, and I wouldn’t want
to be rude and take him away from his friends later. He sent me the thumbs up and said he’d be there in a half hour. I still needed to drop by the bank and withdraw some cash, because I absolutely wanted to do my part to help this children’s home, even if kids’ paintings were the way I had to do it.
The three story, red brick building, was lit up in white, twinkle lights around every door and window. It had a sign out front, in big, bold, black letters, showcasing the sign for “Kennedy and Ross’ Night For The Children of Madison.” I knew Morgan and his friend Cobb had pulled together volunteers all week long for pieces to be donated tonight. By the looks of things, the turnout was impressive. Not only were their dozens of beautiful pieces adorning each wall, but there were dozens and dozens of people milling about, already talking about bidding on their favorite pieces. The atmosphere was light and airy; I didn’t get the feeling of dread when I get claustrophobic, as I walked in and wandered around.
“You look about as out of place as we feel.” I heard Jody say from behind me and I turned to find him and his co-worker and friend, Finn. I’d not spent much time around Finn or his boyfriend Jay, because they didn’t go out as often with the guys, due to having a little one at home. I envied them a little bit when I’d first met them and saw how happy they all were together, though I’d never admit that out loud.
“You’re wearing suits,” I say unnecessarily. I felt kind of underdressed.
“Who knew you bearded fucks would look hot in suits?” Kayson and his husband Conner sidled up beside us. “I need a drink.” He muttered before a man with a tray full of champagne flutes popped out of nowhere.
“Can I offer you gentleman a drink?” The man’s smile was bright, too bright; it looked forced. He looked anxious, but that didn’t take away from the lightness of his brown eyes and incredibly adorable dimpled cheek. His light brown hair was a bit longer on top than it was on the bottom and it was combed over to one side, making him look very, boy-next-door. He was shorter than all the guys standing around him by quite bit, but he didn’t seem the least bit intimidated by these tattooed, bearded guys; myself included.
